I'm needing, but hubby isn't giving. What to do?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’ve been married since this past June. I dated my husband for 3 years prior. He’s a great guy, we communicate very well and share like interest and viewpoints. The problem I’m having is with the intimate side of things.

From the very beginning we had great sex, but not very often. Once, maybe twice a week, tops. Not a lot, but it was enough to keep me satisfied. He’s never, ever been the one to come on to me or initiate things; I’ve always been the one to start it. In fact, if I didn’t, it would probably never happen. He’s never exactly been a go-getter in that department.

Since we got married, the frequency has gradually dropped off. Now it’s at the point where I haven’t slept with him in over a month. When I ask him why, he says “I just don’t think about it.” Sometimes if I’m feeling down about it he’ll apologise and say, “I promise I’ll give you some lovin’ tonight,” but then that never happens. He swears he still finds me attractive, and he tells me he loves me all the time. Sometimes I’ll try to start something up by kissing or playfully grabbing him in certain places. He doesn’t resist my advances, but I might as well be fondling a block of wood. It just doesn’t lead to anything. He seems to be tired all the time as well. On days he doesn’t have to work, he’ll sometimes sleep up to 10 hours at a time, and when he gets up he’ll still say he’s tired. He’s always been like this.

I know for a fact that he’s not cheating on me, and know he just wouldn’t; we have 100% trust in each other. He doesn’t have any porn, be it videos or magazines, that he’s turning to instead of me.

He’s on Paxil for depression, and I thought that might be causing the problem; but he doesn’t take it properly. He forgets to take it and when he does remember, it’s so infrequent that I doubt that it’s even working for him. Here’s his statistics, if that might clue anyone into anything that might be the problem:
-36 years old
-smoker (a pack every 2 days)
-athsmatic
-sedentary but very thin and lean

I’m always worried that it has something to do with me. I’m no supermodel and never will be. I look kinda like my username would suggest (but without the floozy and goddess parts…;)). Imagine Wonder Woman 60lbs heavier and not as pretty - that’s me. I’m clean and neat, I dress well, I smell nice. Sometimes I fart, but I don’t think that would be the reason why I can’t get laid.

Any suggestions/advice? Has anyone else gone through this? I’m terribly sexually frustrated. I should not have to have a vibrator as my lover instead of my husband.

2

Oh yeah, going through the same thing. I can only give you sympathy.

I used to try to talk to him about it, but it only made him feel bad and give me pity sex, which I hate. So I’ve given up. If he wants it, he’ll get it. If he doesn’t, there are other ways of getting what I want.

3

Low sex drive, high need for sleep are both correlated with depression. IANAD, but from your description, he just sounds depressed. Which makes sense, since it seems he has been previously diagnosed with depression. He needs to figure out how to take his meds properly. Work out some kind of system, you know?

However with the time of year being what it is, I would also wonder about Seasonal Affective Disorder. This is a special kind of depression caused by a lack of sunlight. Especially as you’ve noticed the situation getting worse since the fall.

Luckily it’s fairly easy to treat, you just get some special kind of lights and put them around the house. He should speak with his doctor about it though.

Having been on the other side of this situation – I was on a Birth Control that killed my sex drive, dead (ironic, no?) – his feelings or lack thereof have nothing to do with your attractiveness. There’s just something that ain’t working right. Once it gets better, his mojo will be back on. Consider though, that his mojo and your mojo may never be on precisely equal terms.

4

Neither the depression nor the smoking are what one would call “sex drive enhancers”. :frowning:

The depression is linked to the tiredness, too - and of course feeling physically tired doesn’t help with the sex drive… and if he starts feeling like he’s failing you, it will make his depression worse…

Not medicating properly is common among depression patients. It doesn’t help.

Can you speak with his therapist about what would be the best way for you to handle both the medication issue and the sex problem?

There may be a support group for “caretakers” where you live. I know that some people think “caretaker” means only those whose 95-yr-old Mom has terrible Alzheimer’s or whose 17-yr-old son is firhgtfully abusive, but it does not.

5

If he’s not taking his Paxil correctly, then it may not be working well enough (or at all) to correct his depression, which may be the root cause of his disinterest in sex.

I know that when I am depressed (not clinically like your husband, but I have been in the past), sex does not interest me b/c I don’t feel good about MYSELF. It has nothing to do with my partner, but if I’m not happy with me, then I’m not comfortable getting naked in front of somebody, regardless of how sexy and attractive I find them, and how much I love them.

I don’t really have any good advice on how to handle this, but I wanted to reassure you that it doesn’t have anything to do with you, but probably his feelings about himself.

6

My sex drive drops precipitously when I am smoking. It’s a really abrupt shift for me…I smoke around exam periods to keep myself up and it automatically kills the horniness.

7

I found my interest waned when I was very stressed, depressed, or tired. It sounds like he’s at least 2 out of these three all the time. It would be nice if somehow you could “get away” for a day or so together, that might help. Sometimes the mundane day to day life just gets boring. I would imagine there would be improvements if he was feeling better too. I know I battle with moderate, although irritating illnesses, so I can imagine how he might feel.

So I would try to find some entertainment, that you both enjoy, that will put his mind at ease and allow him (and you) to escape reality for awhile. Hopefully you will find something fairly simple and inexpensive that does the trick. For me it’s sporting events, movies, stage plays or festivals. I would try to get in some “down time” at least once a week. We all need to get away from the 9 to 5 once in awhile.

Good luck.

8

He’s not well. Cigarettes and anti-depressants take a toll on libido and especially someone who isn’t that vigorous to being with. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it doesn’t sound like it’s going to get better given he’s only 36.

9

He could be gay.

10

I agree with everyone who’s said that it’s the depression. If he’s not taking the Paxil as directed, he’s not treating the depression, unfortunately. And the depression itself might be making him not care either way.

Here’s my suggestions: (IANAD)
Start monitoring his medication intake. Simple enough- at dinnertime, put his pill next to his drink or just say “Did you take your pill?” Some people are just awful at remembering pills. Soon enough it will become a habit. If you don’t think that will fly, try getting him a pill container with an alarm on it- it will beep to remind him to take his pill.
(something like this- they have smaller ones with a single compartment and alarm on them:
http://www.bindependent.com/cgi-bin/shopper.cgi?preadd=action&key=gcm80041 )

If he continues to not take his pills, maybe he should talk to his doctor about switching to Prozac weekly (if that drug will work for his situation).
http://www.prozac.com/how_prozac/prozac_weekly.jsp?reqNavId=2.4

If it were me, I would have a good talk with him. Tell him that you love him and want him to feel his very best, and that his lack of pill compliance affects you directly. Lay it right out on the table. It’s tough love, but let him know that you love him, but you will not live with an untreated person with depression- it’s not fair to you and it’s not fair for him to ask you to.

11

Paxil is a definite libido-killer, and I expect it is even if he isn’t taking it as regularly as he should. SSRI’s tend to stay in your system a while, and the side effects didn’t fade for me until I had been off Paxil for a number of weeks.

That said, I have to second what others observed about depression putting a damper on sex drive, too. Fortunately (?) for me, when I was going through the worst of my depression and was on meds, I didn’t have a partner who would be affected by my lack of drive.

12

I’ve been married for 5 years and as a man, I’ve gone through phases when I am under the gun and just don’t have the energy. That’s the key for me - as my energy decreases - my drive for everything goes. Being in shape/working on projects that are interesting to me help my labido - I guess the absense of spirituality is what makes me lifeless :wink: but I mean spirituallity in the doing what I love doing sense, not an overall religion aspect, which I don’t want to get into.

The worst thing you can do is think it’s about you - and when your husband says he finds you attractive - I’d believe him. He has chemicals gone wrong in his noodle and he’s medicating irregularly. But I know how you feel - eventually something has got to give - and wtf do you do if the ship doesn’t turn around? Better or worse and all that, but you are human. Me, I would insist he takes his medicine and talk to his doctor honestly about if it is working or not.

My wife gets in funks also - and what I do is wait for the first sign of optimism on her part and jump all over it, baby! Make hay when the sun shines! Don’t know if he has any upswings, tho, not being depressed and all.

13

Is this typical with hormonal birth control, and does this change with age? I’ve seen a pattern, which only became apparent to me in the last couple of years, in which past girlfriends and wife became completely disinterested in sex or even much affection a few months after starting on The Pill, which, as you point out, kinda negates the whole purpose. :frowning: No matter what I tried to do to keep things going, the romantic aspect just collapsed like an exotic dancer at the end of a 10 hour shift.

I’ve a bit of anecdotal evidence, but the literature I’ve found doesn’t really confirm or deny this absolutely.

Stranger

14

Can’t the two of you visit the doctor who prescribed the antidepressant for your husband and talk the problem through?

Maybe he’ll suggest a different happy pill, like Lexapro, along with an RX for Cialis, or something along that line.

15

Well I went through a whole year where I refused to have sex with my wife because she “turned me down” one night. To make it worse I was “passive aggressive” about the whole thing and wouldn’t even give her a straight answer as to why. In my “warped” mind the theory went something like “he who dares to say no to Roland rightful king and ruler of the universe is destined to be forever denied the pleasure of his presence.” I’ve mellowed a bit in the five years intervening, but I paid the price in “passive aggressive retalitation” from her for several years. Basically, I’ve come to accept that my rise to universal ruler is probably not going to happen for a while.

16

You need to put more men on the job. I’m available. :slight_smile:

OK, I got nuttin. I do recommend that he discusses this with is doctor. The doctor has heard it all before, there is nothing to embarrased over.

17

It’s like just about any other potential side effect of oral contraceptives–it’s so variable that you can’t really say if anything is typical. Some women experience complete loss of sex drive, others experience such a very marked upswing that they can’t get anything else done. Others see no change at all. Still others go up or down some, but not enough to really make a difference in anything.

18

By the way my brother in law started Paxil a few years ago for social anxiety while he was living with us. After about two weeks he became so moody that having the television up to loud or having the wrong light on in the living room caused him to get mad and storm out. He stated (he’s been off the stuff for over a year) that he even heard voices while taking the drug telling him he was worthless, and that he should do bad things.

The point is that its not out of the rhealm of question that this might be part of the problem.

19

I just came back in to this thread after realizing it was **Amazon Floozy Goddess’ ** husband who wasn’t giving.

**AFG ** has got to be one of the nicest people on the boards, not to mention one of the most stunningly attractive. Be quiet, I’ve seen your picture, I know. If I was a guy or if I swung that way I’d be making the offer to step in.

I don’t have any experience with drugs or depression but I wanted to wish you the best. I hope things work out for you.

20

You had a big warning sign before you even married. So, why’d you go thorugh with it? A marriage without affection, intimacy and passion is no marriage.

I dated a guy like this and it was extremely perplexing. I figured it was probably depression, a medical condition or issues with his sexuality. Whatever it was, it was a completely unfulfilling relationship.

Has he been on antidepressants since you met him? It is true that these will kill your sex drive. I should know, it happened to me. When I was on prozac a long time ago, i had no interest in sex whatsoever, and it really put a strain on my relationship at the time. I’m on Zoloft now, which I know affects my sex drive too, but not as bad. And I make a serious conscious effort to work on it (and it helps that I am madly inlove with my SO, so I would be jonesin’ for him no matter what).

Maybe he should try Welbutrin. One of its marketing points is that it has a low incidence of sexual side effects.

Good luck, girl. Please know that you should not have to live without intimacy and passion in your life! It is truly one of the few pleasures we have in life, you should not have to go without it.