As mr avabeth and I approach our upcoming nuptuals, I’m rather pissed off about my sex drive. Obviously, when we first met and were in a long-distance relationship, we were all over each other. When we first moved in together, same thing. We had a healthy, happy sex life and a wonderful relationship. We still have that wonderful relationship.
And now my sex drive has totally killed our sex life. It’s down to once or twice a week (which, may be normal for some, but it’s never been normal for us). It’s not him - once we get going, I very much enjoy it. But due to a combination of factors - my new brand of birth control pills and my terrible hours (7 AM to 5:30 PM Mon-Thurs, to get Fridays off for summer hours), I’m just very rarely in the mood. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex - I’m always happy when we do. It’s just that I don’t feel like exerting the effort. Make sense?
Aside from getting off of my birth control pills, which isn’t an option because of my endometriosis, and working less hours (not an option until after Labor Day weekend because once our schedules are set, they’re set in stone), I don’t know what else I can do. Mr. avabeth is incredibly romantic and sweet and tries to tempt me, but…honestly, I can’t attribute it to anything other than pure laziness and lack of motivation on my part - ie a low sex drive.
Help. I want to have sex more often, I just don’t feel like it. Any suggestions? Herbal remedies, aphrodisiacal foods, meditations? We’ve discussed it and he knows that it’s not him. (And he doesn’t care that I’m sharing this). As soon as I get medical insurance, I’ll be making an appointment with an OB-GYN to change my birth control pills, but that won’t be for at least a month. And no, this is not just a natural progression of our relationship - we’re both very, very affectionate with each other at home, but when it comes to actually exerting the effort to have sex, I just don’t feel like giving up the energy.
I know it’s contradictory. That’s my problem. I enjoy it once I get into it, but I never seem to remember that when he wants to have sex - instead I let my fatigue get the better of me, and I just don’t feel like exerting the effort. He usually initiates, and I’ll either tell him yes or no. I initiate sometimes - not very often, but I’d say 1/4 of the time now. Which, considering my past sexual history (molestation and rape as a child), is pretty good for me. And the sex is never bad - regardless of whether I feel like it or not.
I think the problem definitely lies in my BC pills and the hours I work exhausting me - plus, I’ve been out of town every other weekend for family weddings and our own wedding planning. He goes sometimes, but I just feel like I very rarely stop lately. So I’m always tired. And I’m sure that has a lot to do with it. Because before I started working these hours, I was at work at 8 AM, home by 4:30 or 5 PM every day, and getting a lot more sleep - and we were having sex much more. But now, by the time I get home at 5:30 or six, after being at work for eleven hours, we get our piddling stuff done around the house, eat dinner, and I’m ready for bed by 9 PM. And I’m not feeling romantic at all most nights when that happens.
Can you talk to your doctor about changing the brand of BC pills that you’re on?
Back when I was on OrthoCept, I completely lost my sex drive, on top of gaining a bunch of weight that I’d lost. I think that partially led to my breaking up* with the guy I was seeing at the time - I just wasn’t physically interested in him anymore.
Beyond that, do you exercise? My sex drive always increases when I’m taking care of myself - eating decently, exercising regularly and the like. If you’re not, it may seem like an awful lot of effort to start a program, but fitting it into your schedule is worth it.
*Not that I think it would lead to a breakup for you, just that I think it partially led to mine.
Oh, no, it’s definitely not leading to a breakup - I’m madly in love with him, and can’t even walk by him without touching him or giving him a kiss or squeezing his hand. We both realize this is a temporary thing - and I’m trying to figure out what’s going on.
The exercise is a good suggestion - I do try to exercise, but that’s the same thing - I’m always so tired after work, I don’t want to go to exercise either. So it’s not just the sex - it’s my motivation to do other things to physically exert myself. I have started eating better again, though, and I’ll make it a point to get to the gym starting this coming week.
But yes, I definitely think it’s a combination of my birth control pills and fatigue. The only thing that worries me with the pills is that I’ve switched brands twice in the past year - and when I start them, I have an increase in my sex drive, then it levels off to normal, then it completely disappears practically. The first two times that happened, I went straight back to the doc and had my prescription changed. Unfortunately, since they’re also for my medical condition, I don’t have a huge choice in how many I can switch between - they have to be suitable for my endo, too. But there’s definitely a pattern - the fact that my drive increases when I first start the new pills shows me that.
I feel I should add to the medical and “take care of yourself” that it’s natural with two people who juggle a relationship with jobs and other stresses (you did mention you’re in the middle of planning a wedding!) for their sex drives to cycle down some. Unless it’s something that’s really affecting your relationship, I think it’s often helpful to just realize that things like that happen, and that they’re not the end of the world and that the desire will surely pick up again when you’re not so stressed out.
I’m not saying that it’s okay not to “work” on your relationship, but as long as you’re healthy in all other ways I wouldn’t worry too much about a temporary stall-out in the old libido. Talk to your OB-GYN about switching pills (I’ve been on three kinds, all completely different) and if there’s an easy way to rearrange your schedule, try to do that.
In addition, you can try a few of those old “spice up your marriage” techniques - I know it seems unspontaneous to say “Okay, Wednesday night is meatloaf and also we’ll have sex. At 8:30, sharp.”, but sometimes you have to have sex to want sex. Don’t have sex when you really don’t want to, but there’s nothing wrong with being ambivalent about it or feeling tired and being “talked into it” as long as you enjoy it.
In general, though, the best advice is to not add the stress of worrying about your sex drive to the stress that already seems pretty intense in your life. As long as your relationship is still close and affectionate, I’d see it as something that will pass - even if your work dosen’t get any easier or more conveniently scheduled, the wedding at least is a specific event that will pass and take its stress with it. Try switching pills, make time for you as a couple, buy yourself something red and lacy, and try not to worry too much about it.
I have plenty of issues about sex that my wonderful hubby has helped me overcome but I know what you mean by “wanting” sex in that generic “sex would be fun - we should do it more often” kind of way but right here and now you are just tired and stressed and frankly not feeling very sexy.
With his work and my activities and two small kids sex tends to get backburnered more often than we want it to if we aren’t proactive about it. We make a plan to fit it into the evening even if that means the dishes don’t get done or the laundry isn’t folded or we’re a little tired the next morning. (Not every evening but you know what I mean)
We do pretty well until something derails us. Sounds like you’ve been derailed and need something to spring you out of that rut! I’m happy I don’t take the pill anymore. The ones I took made it impossible for me to orgasm. Talk about taking the fun out of sex
I’ll pass on the advice that a wise old man once gave me (sadly, I’ve not had the opportunity to test it out for myself). According to him, the best way to get a woman in the mood was a drink of sloe jin and orange juice. He said that every woman he served the drink to was willing to crawl into bed with him shortly after they consumed the drink. When his sister-in-law complained of not being able to sleep, he advised her to drink it (without bothering to tell her why ), when he spoke to her some months later about it, she told him that she had to quit drinking it because it made her too damn horny." (He said his brother had a shit eating grin on his face as his wife recounted the story. )
Can I also just add: you’re getting ready for a wedding. It’s incredibly stressful. And I’ve heard more than one bride-to-be say “I just never feel like it any more…” and then after the wedding, sex drive returned to normal. It’s a huge event, one which requires alot of your time and attention. It may be nothing more than you’re just emotionally drained.
Have you spoken to your doctor? No, there still isn’t a pill for this, but if you’re suffering from a minor depression related to all this stress - it would explain the demotivation - Wellbutrin is known to help and kick up your sex drive to boot. Since it’s at least partly medical, a doctor might have some insights. Or a counselor - not a psychologist who’s gonna “get to the root of the problem” - more the kind who can offer the nuts and bolts advice on how exactly to deal with it. My own therapist (a social worker, not a psychologist) gives me that sort of advice (though on a completely different issue) and since it’s obviously not a relationship problem, this could be exactly what you need.
Is the work situation temporary? Will you be less stressed out and fatigued soon? If it’s a long-term thing, you’re gonna have to do some real work to deal with it. I would think a therapist would help. If it’s not, it might be enough to just sit down, schedule some time, and try to remind yourself that you’re into it once you get started. (As with anything else in life - getting started is almost all of the battle. Even if our image of sex is such that we think it shouldn’t be.)
Or just imagine Goran Visnjic and Adrien Brody wrestling naked. That always helps me.
Sounds like you’re just plain worn out. Hopefully once you’re able to reduce your work hours and have your wedding ceremony behind you, you’ll get your vigor back.
Pardon me for getting all personal, but maybe you could talk to Mr. Avabeth about some “lazy” sex for you. Get out some body oil and present your back for a massage and take it from there. Or play “sleeping beauty”, or something. Sex can be just as fun with gymnastics.
When Dave and I got married, I switched to a different type of birth control pills. It completely killed my libido. It was supposed to be the exact same pill as I had been taking in Canada, but it was different. Is there any way to go back to the old kind?
Don’t wait until bedtime for sex. For us, right after we get home from work is often the best time. Chores and dinner can wait. I am sure your SO won’t mind takeout or delivery.
I’m feeling much better now that I’ve read everyone’s responses. It’s funny because it’s not a problem so much as it is a concern - our relationship is still wonderful. We come home from work and talk most of the night, we’re always together on the weekends if I don’t have to go out of town, and we rarely fight (disagree, yes, fight, no). But I am going to chalk this up to work and BC pills - the work situation will end the week before our wedding (mainly because I’m taking off that week). It’s only for the summer for summer hours. In the fall, I’ll be back to regular eight hour days. And as soon as my insurance kicks back in, I’ll get my pills changed.
Thanks for all of the responses. I think we’re just going to chalk it up to stress, fatigue, and the wrong pills. Provided my job hires me permanently this week (they were supposed to do it last week, but there’ve been some issues - absolutely nothing to do with me or my performance, which they’re happy with, but it’s still stressful and frustrating), I’ll be able to work normal days this week since we’re off tomorrow. If I’m able to work 8 hour days, I expect I’ll have gotten a little bit more sleep and will be less tired - so things should get back to normal a little this week:). I’ve also gotten some really good ideas for injecting a bit of ‘fun’ into things:D.
Are there any foods, wines, cocktails, or scents that get you more in the mood? My wife, for instance, will perk up very quickly with the right wine, carmels, and/or the smell of baking break.
One time we stayed in a bed and breakfast next to a woman who was constantly baking bread. It almost killed me.
Consider a nap. Go to sleep for a while and wake up for sex. Or set the alarm an hour earlier…sex in the early morning is so warm and cuddly.
I work 12.5 hour shifts 3 days a week and I go to bed at 9pm when I have to work the next day. I leave the dishes and the laundry for my days off. I tell **Drachillix ** to coax me until I want to, because I know I’ll want to, I’m just feeling tired at the moment–I won’t feel tired for long. I’f I’m coaxed…
Cabernet usually gets me in the mood - the only other problem is that one glass tends to put me to sleep almost immediately. So it’s either drink two and get slightly sloshed (I don’t hold my liquor well), or drink one and fall asleep. So I usually drink two :).
I’m happy to report that this weekend has been back to normal in almost every way - so it’s very obviously a result of exhaustion on my part. We’ve spent the whole weekend together, which is always a plus, and we’ve been cough enjoying our usual activities. So once I’m back to my regular schedule and this dang wedding is over, I can imagine we’ll get back to normal.
), when he spoke to her some months later about it, she told him that she had to quit drinking it because it made her too damn horny." (He said his brother had a shit eating grin on his face as his wife recounted the story. 
)
I am sure your SO won’t mind takeout or delivery.