Relationship Help Needed (long and a little TMI)

In My Humble Opinion
1

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 6 years. We’ve been living together for almost that long. I’m 31 and he’s almost 28. We love eachother very much but right now we’re having problems and it all stems from my sex drive, or lack there of.

I really don’t know when exactly the problem began, but it was probably within the last 2 years or so.

When we first moved in together and it was all new, we had sex all the time. Now, we’re lucky if it’s once a week. I just have no sex drive. The only time we have sex is when he asks. I don’t bring it up. We had a long talk last night and he said that he feels like I don’t want to have sex, and I do, but I just don’t get…well, horny.

When we have sex it’s great. Last night he said he can’t understand why if it’s great, that I don’t want to do it more, and I really can’t tell him. I know he’s frustrated and I just don’t know how to fix it.

We’ve had 2 miscarriages in the past 4 years and here is where the catch 22 comes in. I really want to have a baby, but I’m afraid that if we have sex, I’ll get pregnant and have to go through the whole miscarriage thing again. I want nothing more than to have a baby but I guess that hurt is always in my mind.

I want to want sex more. I told him last night that I need more affection from him. He never holds my hand anymore when we’re out. We’re stuck in a routine…sleep, work, home, supper, relax then bed. He is affectionate, but sometimes it feels like the only reason he is is because he wants sex.

I told him all of this last night, but I need a few outside opinions from both the guy and girl perspective.

I’ve heard that natural herbs such as ginseng boost the sex drive, is that true?

Please, help me out here.

2

I would think that those two reasons are pretty good reasons why you aren’t experiencing alot of ‘drive’.

The first issue, I can’t really help with, but I think that if he starts showing more attention/affection, being romantic etc, that it would eventually overcome or at least supress some of the worry of the first reason. Your feeling neglected in the affection department can and will have an effect on your sex drive.

It’s good that you’ve talked about it, and I would suggest that you both continue to discuss it. Sometimes us men can be a little dense, or not really see that we’re not being as affectionate as we should be or as we’re expected to be. So keep talking about it, but at the same time don’t beat him over the head about it. You’ll find that communication is probably the best thing to help fix things and bring back that lost sex drive.

I wouldn’t have a clue on any herbal or other remedies, this is just my $.02 worth.

3

Definitely a tough situation - but something (or something similiar ) a lot, if not most, couples go through.

My suggestions:

  1. Talk it out - especially about your misgivings given your miscarriages. You need to find whomever you are most comfortable with - hopefully that involves him, but may include other folks or a therapist, too - and talk out your concerns. Also, you may need to specifically talk with him about what you need - if he can say genuine things about how committed he is to you and working through pregnancy issues and no matter what you two can make it, it may make a lot of different. But, as the previous post said, some guys are dense (present company definitely included) and may feel that way, but not know that saying it out loud would help. Sorry you have to take the first step, but if you need it, you should take the initiative and give him the chance to follow through.

  2. Make date time - getting stuck in your daily routine is the norm. Make sure you two explicitly reserve quality date time at least once a week. Period. Put it on the calendar and make it stuff you want to do. It really helps.

Best of luck.

4

I agree with Grimace - it sounds like his lack of attention might be a contributory factor to your loss of drive, and I don’t really have any recommendation other than to talk about it in as non-confrontational a way as possible. Maybe you should tell him that he has to do more than just plainly ask for sex - maybe he should have to seduce you. Herbs may or may not work, I honestly don’t know, but I don’t think they should be treated as any kind of long-term solution in any case.

On the miscarriages - have you sought medical advice as to any possible underlying reasons? - My wife had two miscarriages (at 20+ weeks); the first one was shrugged off as just random shitty luck, but the second one provoked investigations that diagnosed an easily-fixed problem and we now have two lovely kids.

But do try to dispassionately scrutinise your own motives for wanting children - I may be way off-base here, but it strikes me that there is just the outside chance that you’re hoping that a child would cement/repair your ailing relationship - this would be quite unlikely to be the case and adding the stress and work of raising children to the relationship might tip it over the edge (not that I’m suggesting you should try to maintain a doomed relationship, just that, if it really is inevitably doomed, it would be better for it to happen before children arrive on the scene).

Sorry if that all seems a bit pessimistic; I’m just trying to be frank - I wish you all the best in your situation.

5

I would suggest couples counseling. Two miscarriages are not easy things to go through, and I think a therapist could help both of you work through this. I agree with the other posters in that your boyfriend needs to make more of an effort to be affectionate. Since you feel that he is only affectionate when he wants sex, let him know that you appreciate those small gestures of affection that don’t necessarily lead to sex. Let him know that you still find him attractive and that your lack of sex drive isn’t necessarily his fault, but that you will both have to put in more effort.

Since the pressure of pregnancy and miscarriage is also a big factor in your lack of sex drive, maybe there is a way to focus on getting your sex drive back without these fears. You might try using condoms for a while until you can enjoy sex for sex’s sake, and not see it as a path to more pain. It’s a cliche, but making an effort to put romance back in your relationship really helps. Schedule time for real dates, give each other massages or backrubs, talk about why you love each other, etc. With time you may feel more comfortable about initiating and enjoying sex.

6

Thanks for all the input guys, I really appreciate it.

The only things I want to touch on right now are this…

Mangetout

I’ve been having fertility problems for about 8 years now, first with my ex-husband and now with my boyfriend. After the first miscarriage, it was ruled as random shitty luck and with the second just being this past September, it again, was no cause for concern with the doctors. I’ve been told time and time again that they won’t investigate too far until after the 3rd (which I’m hoping there won’t be) We had our blood tested after the last and found out we are compatible, so it’s not that.

Also, I just wanted to say…We have a wonderful relationship. We are eachother’s best friends. We don’t fight, we laugh a lot, we do stuff. We want a baby and it’s not to keep us together, because there is no danger of us not being together. We want a family. We are getting married sometime in the next year or two, so we are in a commited relationship that is stable, with this one glitch. Our relationship is not doomed and he told me himself that night that he wouldn’t leave me because of this. He wants this to get better, as do I.

We are going out on a date tomorrow night and we have decided to not leave sex until bedtime, but to be more spontaneous. I want more romance. I love him with all of my heart, and I know he loves me, he tells me all of the time.

I think if we’re both commited to working on this it will make our relationship all that more enjoyable.

7

I’m glad to hear all this and I hope you weren’t too offended by my attempt at brutal honesty; It sounds like you are on the right track - just try to make him understand that sex doesn’t begin in the bedroom.

8

Ditto what **Mangetout[\b] said. I’m glad to hear that you two get along so well. You both sound commited to each other, and that is worth it’s weight in gold. Just keep talking, and it can only get better.

9

First off, let me give you a HUGE pat on the back for trying to fix this. You and your relationship are so far ahead of the game because you’re willing to work on this. You can and will make it work with that attitude.

I’m in a somewhat similar situation. I’ve been married for about 12 years and we have a pretty good relationship, but my wife does not have much of a desire to have sex. If I initiate and get things going, then the sex is pretty good and we both enjoy it. But if I’m not the one to get things started, it doesn’t happen and it doesn’t matter to her that we don’t do it.

It’s like saying you love to go to Disney World whenever you’re in Orlando. But if you’re not in Orlando, you don’t think about going to Disney World or even think about driving there. But if someone gets you to Orlando, then you’re really up to go to Disney World.

Although she is very willing when I initiate, it is still frustrating having be so one-sided. I want to feel like she desires me sexually, but by having to initiate all the time it makes it feel like I’m making her go along with it.

You say you want to have sex more. Why do you want that? Do you want to feel the physical sensations of sex more or do you want to have the emotional connection that sex brings? I’m reading between the lines a little bit, but do want to have more sex so that your boyfriend will be happier and more satisfied in the relationship?

The big sticking point in my relationship is that my wife doesn’t want to do anything sexual if she’s not in the mood. But it doesn’t have to be like that. I would suggest that you do sexual things for your boyfriend even when you are not in the mood. Oral sex and manual stimulation can be very satisfying. I’m sure it would make you feel good to make him feel good so approach it like that. Maybe it doesn’t lead to sex, but it doesn’t have to. Let him know that you love making him feel good even when you’re not in the mood. You could tell him that you don’t know why you don’t feel like having sex more often, but that you love how it feels to make him feel good and that you’re excited about learning how to please him in many new ways.

It sounds like your boyfriend is very understanding and that’s good. I know I was very frustrated until I understood things from my wife’s point of view. I wondered what it would be like if she wanted me to love shopping for shoes. Not just go along with her, but really love shoe shopping where I would look forward to it and ask her to come along with me. I seriously doubted if I could do that. The best I could expect would be that I would go along and try to enjoy it, but I could never see my self eagerly wanting to go shoe shopping. So the most I can expect from her is to go along with me and try to enjoy it, but I don’t expect her to eagerly desire sex in the same way that I do.

Another thing to remember is that your brain is awash in special love hormones at the beginning of the relationship that make the feelings much more intense and greatly increase your sex drive. Those hormones don’t last forever and when they’re gone, the relationship moves more into a companionship type of love. That’s probably part of what’s going on here. When you were not in a relationship, how was your sex drive? I would tend to think that your sex drive when you’re not in a relationship would reflect your normal sex drive. Men usually desire sex most of the time so the hormones don’t affect the man’s sex drive in the same way. But you might notice that he doesn’t do the same romantic things he did at the beginning of the relationship (like love notes or whatever). This is because his love hormones have faded so his desire to do those things is reduced.
And one last thing that I would like to say is to not project your expectation of a proper sex drive onto your partner. If your partner wants it 1 time or 10 times a week, that’s how much they want it and that’s okay. As a loving partner, you should help them be satisfied or realize that you might not be the right partner for them. You should not demand that they want it less or more just because you want it that way. Please note, I’m not saying you should have sex when you don’t want to. What I am saying is that you should be willing to provide your partner with an environment which provides them the sexual release they need.

10

Read what you’ve written here:

That kind of fear is more than enough to stomp out anyone’s sex drive. Maybe you need to try something different to get past that worry. Even if you do want kids, maybe you should try having some sex while using birth control. That might help you get past this fear of the possible bad consequences of sex (i.e., another miscarriage) and get back to enjoying it physically. Then you can work on gradually moving back to the unprotected variety: use rubbers; use rubbers you’ve punctured with a pin; make him promise to pull out before ejaculating; pull out a little late; finally, aaaaaaahhhh!

11

get off the depression drugs if you are taking any. Almost all of them cause significant reduction in sex drive.
often you can reduce or eliminat your taking of a particular drug for the weekend or other events.

I know I am making assumptions about possible use of these kinds of drugs but I have seen this many times and often physicians seem to like to leave out these important tidbits of information when they prescribe these medicines.

12

Awww, crap, I can’t remember the name of it right now, but there’s a lady’s herbal viagra, so to speak. My gf’s friend swears by it. I’ll get back to you, but if you’ve been fully checked over to make sure it isn’t a medical condition, it, or something like it, might be the answer.

13

filmore, you have said a lot of things that I’ve never thought of.

First, it’s not that I want more sex, it’s that I want to want sex. I wanna be horny again dammit! :stuck_out_tongue:

I don’t have a lot of time right now to write a big post, but I’ll do that tomorrow.

Quint Essence

I’m not on any type of meds at all.

Great Dave

No medical condition, just the spark missing. If you could get that name, I would be greatful.
Thanks everyone!