I’m not sure which forum this goes in, so I guessed. I have a female friend who’s married and wants a man’s perspective on this. Having never been married though, I don’t really have much of a perspective on the situation. With her permission, I’m posting this here since no one here knows her but me.
So here it is. They’ve been married for less than a year, are in their mid-20s, and for the last couple of months, he seems to have a really low libido. They get it on about once a month and she has to coax him into it. Sometimes he doesn’t even finish. She asks him about it and he just says he’s tired, but she says nothing has changed such as his work schedule or anything. It’s really getting to her self-esteem. Other than that, everything seems to be fine. They communicate and there’s no obvious non-sexual tension.
So I don’t really know what to advise her to do. I’m sure you guys can give some advise to relay to her. I’m tempted to send Sancho over there. (Not really. She’s too far away anyway.) So how can they work this out and save their relationship?
Unless there’s a health issue, or she has gained a lot of weight, or has otherwise become unattractive (and it’d have to be pretty damn unattractive) to him in some fashion, the usual answers when a young, healthy 20 something man does not want to boff his new wife fairly regularly are typically that -
1: He’s probably gay, or bi and preferentially gay.
3: He’s depressed, but for a 20 year old man to be down to an unenthusiastic once a month he’s have to be really depressed and this would (I think) be much more obvious issue than sexual frequency unless she’s kind of clueless.
Stress? Does he have a new job? More responsibility? Are they having financial issues?
Has he seen his doctor? It could be anything from depression to a hormone imbalance.
Are they going to talk to a therapist about this? An outside unbiased person may be able to help get all the issues out and start helping the couple to resolve them.
Could he be on anti-depressents? I was on Paxil for about a year, and it totally KILLED my sex drive. When I went off it, it came back just like it had been before I started taking them. Maybe he’s on something and just doesn’t want to tell her.
Okay, I got another clue. I asked her if there was anything going on that would cause him stress. She says he has been worried that they won’t be able to pay the bills lately, even though they have been paying them and their financial situation hasn’t changed. So I’m starting to think depression.
People can come up with all of the unlikely solutions they want but the most relevant variable is that he is married now and has lost interest in her sexually. A lot of male sexual libido is based on rarity and novelty and, when that becomes a non-issue as in marriage, he may just not care that much anymore. My ex-wife is gorgeous by any standard but we were together since we barely turned 18 and I would have taken a fresh $10 bill over sex with her on many occasions especially in the later years. At least the $10 bill was new to me. My sex drive wasn’t low and I didn’t cheat on her and I am certainly not gay. I just didn’t see the point.
Not all guys are gigolos on demand. You didn’t say how hot she is or how long they have been together overall. It gets old. I personally have a strong sexual aversion to any female that is less than highly attractive. Computer porn does much better than a less than highly attractive female for me and he may feel the same way. This isn’t a rare thing and it doesn’t have to mean much. He is probably stressed due to circumstances and depression can certainly cause that also but maybe she needs to hit the treadmill a little more and buy some new nighties. Sex is a physical thing and it has to be treated as such and not a knightly duty.
Well I think we figured it out. We went further into the money thing, and she said that he had mentioned being unhappy that he graduated college and is working a menial job unrelated to his field. I’m not going to say where, but I’d probably be depressed too if I worked there. I’m fairly certain that’s what’s at the heart of the matter. I’ve certainly been there myself.
I read this paragraph to my husband of 16 years (together 19 years) and he says “nope, maybe you, but not all guys”. We have way more sex now that we did even 5-10 years ago. Sex is better than ever, frankly.
True, guys or women should not be expected to perform on demand. But the idea that a guy loses interest simply by being with the same woman is in no way a universal truth.
Fair enough although you did just conduct a one-person survey at gunpoint there. I am speaking as an insider but I know men like your husband do exist too. I know my comment is offensive to some but it is a lot more common for married men to talk about someone other than their wives to be checking them out even in a casual way than it is for them to talk about actual sex with their long-term wives unless it is something unusual.
You say they’ve been married for “less than a year”, but how long have they been together?
I ask because my husband of more than 20 years has always experienced, well, peaks and valleys, in his libido.
The first time this happened (in our relationship, well before we were married; but we were together five years before we got married), I was sure our relationship was doomed, or that it was something about me. But then, after a month or two, he ‘bounced back’ and was just as good as ever. He’ll even go through times when he’s up (heh) for twice a day! But then he’ll hit these valleys, where he’s OK with going without for a month or two.
After all the years together, I’m used to it now.
I’m not saying this applies to all guys. Just relating personal experience.
Your husband’s libido sounds exactly like mine. There were months where I never initiated sex with my girlfriend and weeks where I was fucking like a bunny multiple times a day. It’s just how things work sometimes.
If I’m grinding away at a lousy job to get ahead, sex with my wife would be one of the things I would forward to. Once a month, and then only under duress, is (IMO) more than just “I hate my menial job” for a 20 year old.
They were together for two or three years before getting married. But from what she told me, this seems pretty sudden and severe to just be a natural swing.
Well there’s “I hate my job” and then there’s “I hate my job and I’m never going to amount to anything worthwhile.” I’ve certainly felt the latter, and it was pretty depressing. It’s not going to affect everyone’s sex life the same, but it seems reasonable to me that some people’s libido would be crushed by that feeling.
I am in no way doubting your experience. Just trying to deflect the universality of it. Given that we generally have sex 4-6 times a week that he initiates most of, I don’t think he’s making stories up “at gun point” to satisfy some image he thinks I need reinforced. 10 years ago, when our kids were small, we had sex once or twice a month because I was depressed and tired (I was turning him down). Now that things are better for me, we’re back to having fun.
And that of course was my point-- not all guys feel as you do and your post suggested otherwise. I don’t find what you said offensive- it’s your experience. My husband;'s is different and I have no reason to doubt that he is telling me the truth.
Given the situation, he could also be afraid of an unplanned pregnancy, especially if they are not using what he would consider a highly effective birth control method. Have they discussed having children?
I’ve got recent experience with being a 20-something guy and the depression angle is pretty close to right on for me–even relatively mild depression would dial me and my wife back to once a week or less.
The worst is when you’re both mildly-to-moderately depressed/preoccupied enough and your sex drives get out of sync, so you’re missing each other’s “interested” signals and then you have a sit-down conversation because you’re both worried and have a lot of “what? I thought you weren’t in the mood last Tuesday!” “I thought YOU weren’t in the mood.”
I wouldn’t rule out “getting it on the side”, granted, but in the absence of any evidence that’s happening we’ve got a nice preponderance of evidence that suggests the depression/stress angle.
Maybe the guy is overwhelmed with his fairly new set of responsibilities - a little stressed out.
He has a wife now, and, while its no longer true, many men think they have to be the ‘main bread winner’. He’s worried about paying the bills -
And now, if the wife is interested in adding a child to the mix - could be a bit much for him.
Party time’s over, time for adulthood. Its a new mind set -