This has been a bit of an on going discussion with my friends and so I’d like to get a wider sample size to find out if I really am the horrible person my friends are suggesting I am.
We all know folks in those sexless marriages- whatever the reason may be for it, there ain’t no knockin’ of any boots for months- if not years- at a time. For this scenario, let’s make a few assumptions:
[ul]
[li]The lack of sex isn’t due to some horrible and obvious physical medical condition (ie: horrible accident leaving your spouse parapalegic or something). [/li][li]You have tried to work with the spouse on the matter for however long you deem reasonable and in whatever fashion you think is the best (talking, therapy, whatever). Things aren’t better, either because the spouse can’t or wont. [/li][/ul]
So, what do you do? Do you stay in a sexless marriage? Do you cheat? Do you leave? Why? Poll’s a-comin’ (unlike you in this hypothetical).
I don’t think the lack of sex comes in isolation. There are always going to be problems that are leading to the lack of sex — be they emotional or physical. You’re ruling out the purely physical: the person can’t do it because of a physical problem with actually prevents sex.
So in short, I leave because there’s an issue the spouse refuses to address — not the lack of sex per se.
I voted for leaving, but it’s a really tough question. It depends on the circumstances.
Over the past couple of decades I’ve had several women strongly hint (as in outright state) that they wanted to marry me. I didn’t say yes to any of them, and fear of a sexless marriage has been one of the strongest motivators.
Cheat. The way I see it, I need sex. I can get it from her or from someone else. And I can’t get it from her. So then I have to figure out which I need more, the sex or the wife. Then I weigh the chances of getting caught. I mean, we’re not talking an affair here, just sex. So I think I could get away with it.
I also figure that if I left, I might as well have cheated. So cheating it is.
While it’s certainly conceivable that I would stay in a sexless relationship and try to be supportive, my first thought is that the lack of sex indicates a fundamental, relationship-ending problem.
Hypothetically I’ve already done my best to work it out, I’m heading for the door.
This is what I was getting at in the OP-- whatever the other problems might be for it (emotional, whatever else), you’ve tried your best to work on them and things just aren’t improving.
If we had a close loving relationship other than sex, and if, as the OP stated, it was not for some terrible medical reason, I think I’d tell her I’m going to have sex with others. She can then say 1) ok, just don’t tell me about it, 2) ok, keep me in the loop, or 3) not ok, the marriage is over.
If, like my last marriage, there was no sex **and **not much else positive about it, then the marriage is over.
Sex is a big deal. If it is flat out refused for no apparent reason other than it’s not enjoyable for my spouse, I’d eventually either leave or cheat…which would probably itself lead to leaving.
I suppose we’re far enough down now that I can give my position (that I alluded to in the OP), which my friends think makes me a horrible, vile human being.
For me, sex is a big part of a relationship. Certainly not the only part that counts, but it’s up there. From talking to most of my female friends, I appear to like sex more than most of them do, but they’re hardly a full sample size. If my husband stopped wanting to have sex with me for months on end, I would certainly try to figure out what was wrong, but if there was no resolution, that’s a deal breaker for me. We’d be done. I would never, ever cheat on someone (my issue with cheating is that it exposes the unknowing partner to health problems-- so, if my spouse decided to suddenly want to fuck me again, I’d potentially be putting their health at risk without their knowledge, which isn’t right), but I would certainly leave over lack of sex.
The secondary thing that I didn’t want to muddle the OP with is that my friends always bring up, “But what if they were hurt/maimed/unable.” Honestly, I would hope in that situation that my spouse would recognize the importance of sex to me and allow me to pursue sex with other folks if I want to, within reason. I know that’s what I’d do for my spouse if that ever happened to me.
Leaving is honest, cheating is not, so how do you figure? You can have sex with someone else after you’ve left, too.
In my experience, refusal to have sex = a lack of love/affection anyway, so staying for love doesn’t even make sense – the other person doesn’t love me. If they’re making no attempt to resolve the problem(s) that led to this, then I’m going to have to come to terms with the fact that they’re a lot less emotionally invested in this relationship than I am.
I would probably stay for longer than I strictly should in order to try to work things out and/or convince them it’s worth working out (the aforementioned talking, therapy, etc.). But sooner or later, the reality is, I’m working on this relationship, and my partner is not. That’s no indication that there’s any love to stay for.
I think a lot of your women friends don’t agree with your position because they have low sex drives and they don’t want their husbands to leave them because of it. They may not see the importance of sex to someone with a high drive. It may be difficult or impossible for a high drive spouse to be happy in that type of marriage.
Many people get into a marriage with the attitude that their spouse is there to make them happy. Their spouse is an accessory to their life. But if you really love someone you want them to be happy too. If a spouse needs a lot of sex to be happy, the low-drive spouse should either help meet that need or step out of the way.
Yeah, this certainly is an aspect there, I won’t lie. My friends regularly tell me: Oh, Diosa, just wait until you’re married, then you’ll see. You wont want to do it EVER. Oh God, then once you have kids. . . it’s like, why would you even want to? You just want to lay there and let him get it over with.
Not once in the almost 10 years I’ve been sexually active has there ever been a time I haven’t wanted sex. My understanding is that women are supposed to get even more sexual as they hit their 30s. I mean, I guess I wont understand until I’m there myself, but it’s just odd for these blanket proclamations to be made about my sexual future, because that’s how “all” women are. And this apparently generally accepted truism sure makes me understand why it seems like so many men are willing to cheat…eesh.
Dio, the position you gave now is the one I was about to type out. Your friends - if they truly think you’re such a horrible, vile human being - are idiots. Lack of sex doesn’t happen in a vacuum (i.e. there are definitely other issues), I’d cut The Other Shoe a similar deal and imagine he would do the same if one of us was truly incapacitated, etc. etc.
You should see the looks on some of their faces when I state my position on this- you’d think I just announced that I’m a Nazi who likes to kick puppies. I’m always quick to point out to them, “Look, some people are more sexual than others. If you’re not, then that’s ok, you just need to be sure to marry someone with a similar sex drive as you. Whereas I need to marry someone who wants to bang like bunnies, otherwise I’ll be unhappy. There’s someone for everyone, blah blah blah.”
What’s most interesting about the girls making these statements. . . they are the opposite of the frosty women that generally make such proclamations. These girls were party girls in college, racked up quite the sexual tally, and are generally open minded in discussions of sex. And yet. . . blam.
For what it’s worth, I have had several male friends also take a position opposing mine, though it is mostly the women.
Okay, derailing a bit here but I don’t even fully buy the ‘medical exception’ bit.
Let’s say the dude gets in a pecker-wrecker of an accident - major bummer. I’d still expect him to want to enjoy some kind of physical intimacy with his wife in whatever way they can manage it.
Lesbian here so I’m trying to imagine an injury that would prevent me and imaginary wife from having sex. It doesn’t matter if it’s loss of limb or vaginal dryness, as long as the sexual obstacles don’t have psychological origins, get creative and figure out how to come or at least achieve a modicum of satisfaction - 'snot rocket science.
Seriously, disliking sex is fucked up, that means you’re doing it wrong. I wouldn’t just leave because of lack of sex, I would leave over incurable bad sex.
It’s scary that there are women out there like that. I have to wonder how common that is. I also have to wonder if they’d feel differently if their husbands had a more creative approach to the situation.
I won’t go into my unfounded theory about the relationship between how much a woman talks about sex and sleep around, and how much she actually enjoys sex. That (not?) said, I am willing to put up with all kinds of crap for a great and healthy sex life. Despite my user name, I’m not that hard to get along with. Don’t be dumb, don’t be a douche, and have a sense of humor, and we’ll probably fine. Sexual compatability is harder to come by.