Seriously. I hear about it all the damn time. I’m amazed by the number of men I’ve known and heard about who decided to marry a woman who is pretty far apart from themselves in terms of what they want and enjoy sexually, most commonly oral sex. Especially fellatio, of course.
And if she doesn’t refuse outright, frequently she considers it a chore reserved for birthdays and other “rewards”.
But this also applies to any number of other sexual activities.
And I’m not talking about men who are not that into it, i’m talking about men to whom these things are genuinely important. But they decide to overlook it and marry her anyway.
And within a year, or 5 or 10, if they are still together, he’s cheating because he can’t get his needs met at home.
WHY DID YOU FUCKING MARRY A WOMAN WHO WASN’T SEXUALLY COMPATIBLE WITH YOU???
Are there really that many men, in 2010, who are STILL suffering from the madonna/whore syndrome? (For the uninitiated, this is a psychological condition most famously suffered by Elvis Presley, who, following the birth of Lisa-Marie, reportedly never had sex with Priscilla again. In other words, some men, despite all reason and logic and awareness to the contrary, find it impossible to reconcile genuine sexual freedom, joy, and adventurousness with a woman who is worthy of bearing their children. So they marry “good girls” and fuck “bad girls” on the side.)
I suspect it is more along the lines of men falling in love with a women for her total package of qualities, which outweighs the (significant) failing - such as, being unwilling to give BJs.
Can’t speak for everyone, but my ex-wife lost all interest in sex the day we got married. Yep, that very day. Before that I thought we were very compatible. Post marriage the only time she was interested was when she wanted to conceive So, i thought I was marrying someone with a great sex drive and adventurous spirit. Didn’t turn out that way. I didn’t “decide” to “overlook it.”
Desperation? They really want a wife so her selling point is that she’ll say “yes”, not that she’s a good match. Or maybe they just think that most or all women are like that. Large numbers of women still tend to act like they think sex is icky and that men are disgusting. Or as Procrustus seems to have encountered, perhaps the woman in question is just a liar.
I don’t see this as having much to do with any “madonna/whore syndrome”, since a whore is paid for it, whereas here we are talking about a woman who likes it. They quite likely assume that the whores hate it just as much as their wives.
Woah. Color me confused. That’s not what I always thought Madonna/whore dichotomies were all about. You’re right that it’s about whether a woman likes it or not, but imho quite wrong about the “hates it” assumption. I also never, OP, though it had anything to do with childbirth. I mean, Elvis fucked her before the birth, right? In Elvis’s case, I’d have thought it has more to do with being squicked out by her vagina being used for something other than his dick.
Dr. Phil is conducting what amounts to group therapy with a bunch of women on Tuesdays, it’s fascinating. One of the women reports that her husband of 16 years cheated on her and she’s devastated.
Then she casually mentions that they stopped having sex more than 15 years earlier, right after she became pregnant!
WAIT A MINUTE… Your husband stopped having sex with you a decade and a half ago and NOW you’re all in a twist because he CHEATED??? What the hell is going on here? Is this for real???
Well, Elvis never publicly explained himself, but the general impression is that once Priscilla became a mother, it was somehow wrong and dirty for him to stick his dick in her.
It should be part of a healthy marriage, though. It’s kind of like marrying a woman who won’t speak civilly to you, but will happily have fun sex with you, cook, bring home a decent paycheck, etc. To use Dan Savage’s phrase, being “GGG” (good, giving, and game) is an act of kindness and consideration in a marriage.
I’ve heard this same story many, many times. While there are clearly many women who really do enjoy sex, there are others who don’t and hide that fact until they’re married, or who used to enjoy sex and then their sex drives fall through the floor.
I don’t think it’s always a case of the guys fooling themselves, ignoring a problem, or failing to satisfy the wife. Sometimes, it just comes out of nowhere after you’re married.
It should be, agreed. The issue is, is not getting BJs or whatever a sufficient “deal breaker” to prevent considering marrying someone who is civil, attractive, brings in a good paycheque, etc. ? I suppose that depends on what you value, and how much of what you value your wife (or husband) brings to the table, and how much of what she (or he) values you bring.
That assumes the two are thinking rationally in a cost-benefit sense. Factor in that folks in love may not be altogether rational.
The issue in the OP though seems to me equivalent of asking “why doesn’t everyone have a marriage that is good in every respect?”. Ideally, we all would, of course.
It was just an analogy - if the guy finds his sex life that important to really complain a lot about it and knew about the woman’s lack of interest/accomodation before marriage, then I was comparing it to marrying a woman who measured up well in other ways but was disrespectful. Because being treated well is important, too, and refusing to be GGG or at least work on physical intimacy is extremely unkind, at the very least.
Me, I hate doing dishes. (And my paycheck could stand to be better, but that’s another matter.)
Anecdotally, a fair few wives-to-be are well and truly up for it, or advertise that they are, only to lose interest almost totally as soon as the ink’s barely dry on the marriage lines. Some may claim to be inhibited pre-marriage on account of their upbringing but make promises that they will become wonderful lovers if treated with care and patience. Some may even laugh at stories of other women who lose interest, and declare that they themselves could never be like that. And, of course, some men may have the kind of dating history that suggests if they don’t marry the woman who ticks most of the boxes, they may be in for a very long wait for a woman who ticks more. Likely they’re wrong, but it’s an easy mistake to make.
(And my paycheck could stand to be better, but that’s another matter.)