In this thread, the conversation got sidetracked onto the reasonableness of people’s expectation of sexual favors. Being of dirty mind, I found this topic to be of greater interest and started this thread.
The thread seemed to have a gender divide on ‘reasonable expectations’. If a very sexual person marries a less sexual person, does the less sexual person have an obligation to satisfy the more sexual person? Or is it wrong for the more sexual person to be expect the less sexual person to be someone they are not? Or maybe sexual compatibility should be a major consideration before marriage
Certainly it’s something that should be discussed before marriage. If the two people have vastly different sex drives, how that fact is handled should be decided before promising “Til Death Do Us Part” and all that.
There are lots of ways to handle a difference in sexual needs (a lot of things costitute “sex” if you can manage to think outside of the bounds of intercourse and/or oral). If a couple has mutual love and respect, and are willing to be creative, almost anything can be worked out. If they don’t have mutual love and respect, and a fairly healthy dose of creativity, they’re probably not going to be very happy long-term, no matter how compatible they are sexually.
That’s my stance. Granted, sexual compatibility can be made up for in other areas, but in my mind, at least, physical attraction is an important part of most relationships. (I’m being careful not to say ‘all’ here, because obviously there are exceptions.)
Blowjobs aren’t a dealbreaker - not for me, anyway, and I can’t imagine that they would be for any reasonable guy. I do, however, stand by what one of my exes said to me long, long ago when I was concerned that she was just horny and not interested - “Lust and love are complementary.”
Strangely, I get the impression that it is a deal breaker for quite a few guys. Or maybe more than are willing to admit. Guy get BJs before marriage. After marriage, no BJs. Guy questions the longevity of the relationship.
My advice, if you are a woman who doesn’t like BJs, dont do them. Zero tolerance. A lot of guys, confuse sex with love. A lot of guys think of BJs as something special. You combine those two and sometimes, blowjobs become not only a symbol of a girl’s love, but how much she loves you as well. Perversely, the more you state how much you hate BJs before you do them, the more it enforces the specialness.
It depends on what works for each individual couple, really. What constitutes an equitable arrangement depends on the procilivities and priorities of the people involved. If the less sexual person doesn’t particularly want to have sex, but doesn’t mind having sex either, the fairness point is going to drawn in a whole different quadrant than if the less sexual person really, really hates having sex when they don’t actively want it. Ditto for any particular sex act–some accommodation is reasonable if someone doesn’t particularly enjoy it but doesn’t particularly mind it either, but not if someone is actively repulsed by it. (I can’t fathom enjoying something when the person you love and who is supposed to be sharing your pleasure is clearly hating every second of it. I’d think it would suck all the fun out it.)
And, of course, how much the more sexual person is willing to give up. If someone like sex but isn’t all that worked up about not having it as often as they’d enjoy, the line is going to be drawn in a completely different place than someone who claims they need sex like they need air. (Odd, when you don’t get air, all of you turns blue. And then, you know, you die.)
The trick is to find someone whose comfort level overlaps with yours. Then you can find something that, while less than ideal for either of you, is still good enough for both of you. If your comfort levels don’t overlap, though, it’s going to be a constant source of friction (and not the good kind). No matter what you do, then someone’s going to be really unhappy because they feel deprived or put upon.
:dubious: Not all so fast there, bub. My husband still gets them after 10 and a half years of wedded bliss.
Of course, we do have a reciprocal arrangement going on.
Well basically I started going out with my “wife” specifically for sex (we met through a clasified add). I had been dating someone for a year who was a virgin and who didn’t seem to want sex (then again I was of the mind set that it would be her who would have to initiate sex). The point being that I was not even attracted to my “wife” beyond casual sex. I ended up staying with her because I liked her personality, and didn’t want to hurt her feelings by “breaking off” the relationship. The funny thing is that I’m now attracted to her, but she doesn’t want to have sex with me (although we usually end of having what she calls mutual, masturbation once a month or so). Before marriage she used to give BJ’s (including to my friends on more than one occassion), swallow and the like. After our “marriage” I give her oral stimulation, but she doesn’t even kiss. On the whole I am satisfied with our relationship although I would like to find an effective “anti Viagra” so I could reduce my pesky sex drive.
In a loving healthy relationship, a reasonable expectation would be that each person would want his/her mate to be satisfied and happy. If one or both partners puts their own personal happiness, comfort, or satisfaction way above that of their partner on their list of priorities, the relationship/marriage is likely to be miserable and/or short-lived.
As a corollary to this, it seems unreasonable either to expect your mate to do something they absolutely hate, or to deny your mate something they really want without a darn good reason.
It strikes me as grossly unfair to radically and unilaterally decrease the quantity or quality of sex in a marriage.
It also strikes me as grossly unfair to enter into a marriage willfully deceiving one’s spouse about any significant part about what life together will be like, including sex life.
If there were some particular sexual act that I wanted but that my (hypothetical) wife or girlfriend were unwilling to do for/with me, I would try to be understanding and not press the issue, especially if she made it up to me in other ways. If it were an act that she was unwilling to do for/with me but had done for/with previous partners, I would feel hurt, insulted, and unloved.
People get old. People have babies. People have incredible pressure from their jobs. People develop arthritis, heart problems, depression, pelvic inflammatory disease, erectile dysfunction. Life gets in the way.
The question is, “how do you choose to deal with it?”
