I realized even as I was writing that that I should have qualified it. Can I add the word “voluntarily”?
May you never have the experience of being proven wrong. 
Damn! I must be pretty lucky. I’ve never been with a girl who didn’t dole out the ol’ BJ’s.
Now I’m curious as to what the ratio is as to women who do and women who don’t.
But yeah, sexual compatibility IS a deal breaker for me. If a woman didn’t give me BJ’s we probably wouldn’t last long.
Not trying to say anything is wrong with women who don’t; it’s just a compatibility issue is all.
I don’t get the whole ‘anti-blowjob’ thing. I went down on my ex 99% of the time before we had sex. Then again, I had a greater sexual drive than him, so I tried to encourage him to have sex by making it as good as I knew how to. If I were dating a guy who had a greater sex drive than I did, I would expect him to make me feel like having sex with him was worth it.
I wouldn’t want to date someone with as low sex drive as my ex again just because it is annoying when you feel like you have to beg someone to get them to have sex with you. I don’t think I will ever met a person with a sex drive too great for me, but if I did, it would depend on how he reacted to my lower sex drive.
But I think those things should be worked out in the start of a relationship. I would never go into a marriage without having sex with the other person first to avoid any sexual problems later in the relationship.
So lets assume it isn’t blowjobs. Lets assume its anal, threesomes, bondage or spankings. Lets assume its strap on dildos. Lets assume your wife isn’t sexually satisfied unless its you watching her with another guy. Or water games. Or … there is a lot of fetish behavior that - if it floats your boat and your partner’s great. If Brainiac4 comes home with a trapeze and a girl, he’s got another thing coming…(now talking about the trapeze and the girl, I’ll go there).
Its about sexual compatibility. Its also about realizing that changes over time and yes, a woman may not be up for sex all the time after having children. Or a guy may just go through a period of just plain not being up.
To my mind, it’s kinda hard to decide sexual compatibility prior to marriage. Oh, some big issues can be dealt with, sure, but like someone posted–life happens to people. The man or woman you married at 20-something, may not be the same sexually at even age 40 something.
And the constant comparing to others in terms of frequency, type and achievement can and does lead to feelings of inadequacy–on either partner’s part. (realize that is not the topic at hand, but felt it was related). Frankly, I think that men succumb to the competitiveness more–like that old Woody Allen movie:
Keaton “we always have sex, we have it 3 times a week!”;
Allen: “we never have sex, we have it 3 times a week!”
IOWs, the expectations may lead to less cooperation or willingness on the part of either partner–too much pressure.
IMO, there are women who are uncomfortable with giving BJ’s–there could be any number of reasons for that. I do think there is a difference between a reluctance to experiment and a deep abiding distaste. The latter should be respected, but the former–the partner should give it a few times, before the final No.
To demand BJ’s or anything sexual takes the issue out of doing xyz, and into major control problems, IMO.
Been through all that. The real question is whether you both feel the same way about it. It’s one thing to cut down after a baby, or an illness, or a dissertation, but another for one party to just stop being interested unilaterally when there aren’t external pressures - and not talk about it.
And anyone who does something before marriage with the intention of stopping after marriage - and not just sex - has my utmost disdain. Bait and switch is illegal for stores. Happily, not my problem though.
Yes, it should be worked out before marriage. That includes those who don’t believe in sex before marriage – it should at least be talked about it.
The idea that a person is obligated to do something he or she doesn’t like doing, is just repulsive. I’ll try not to get into Pit territory here, but there were some things said in those threads that were just creepy, disturbing, and just plain wrong. There are only two acceptable sexual acts:
- The ones that both people (or, okay, I guess all people involved) like doing and like having done.
- The ones that one person doesn’t like to do all that much, but knows that his or her partner likes having it done, so it’s an act of intimacy. Not a “favor.” Not a “gift.” And sure as hell not an “obligation.”
I can’t even conceive of being aroused by something that I know the other person hates to do or doesn’t even like to do. It’s not just gross, it suggests some weird control issues.
You don’t have sex for another person, you have sex with another person.
archmichael (the OP):
I have never and as of yet even in my worst nightmares have not entertained the notion of participating in marriage, but from my outsider’s viewpoint I’d think this is the kind of thing you’d want to discuss and formulate before doing the “yes” thing.
In nonmarital relationships, the general rule is that if either partner doesn’t wanna, it ain’t happening, regardless of reason. And that the other person has absolutely no cause or reason to think they are somehow entitled. Frankly I can’t imagine it any other way. If you’re involved with someone you love, you really want to obligate them to doing sexfavors like a chore regardless of whether or not they’re in the mood???
:eek:
I don’t think I’ll ever understand the fascination with some person’s (almost always insufficiently warm) mouth, it’s repository of food residue, etc.
Deal breaker yes: anyone who expects to perform oral sex on me is in for a rather rude shock. Yecch.
Likewise to icky oogy gooey gookey lotions and stuff.
But give me slow dry smooth hands… 
I think this could be a problem for some. On a purely practical basis, if you’ve never had sex, how do you know how much you’re going to want to? Certainly couples should lay down some ground rules, but “nothing icky” doesn’t quite seem to cover it, does it? Frankly, blowjobs are not mentioned in most “health” classes, and it is still possible that someone could be completely innocent of such an idea.
Personally, I think you’re right. I only included that bit in my post (gramatically incorrect, I notice now) as a show of solidarity to the pre-marital sex people. I think the restriction on sex before marriage is a bad idea, specifically because of this issue – sexual compatibility is a big deal and if you don’t figure it out before you make the commitment, then it just leads to frustration and dissatisfaction later on.
I always assumed that the people who believe so strongly about remaining celibate before marriage, just aren’t that into “experimentation” during the marriage. So a BJ deficit wouldn’t be that much of an issue. I could be wrong; they may be going straight home from the chapel to harnesses and whips and chains and end up horribly disappointed when it doesn’t feel like what they were hoping for. Seems that they should at least talk about it beforehand, to make sure that they’re looking forward to the same things.
Horny and not interested in me… that is, lust, to the exclusion of love.
I know, I’m a freak for being worried that my attractive SO was only interested in sex.
No, if your partner vomits after swallowing, it’s a bad one. :eek:
Not necessarily, if they can at least make it to the bathroom first.
Same goes for shitting in the bed :eek:
I don’t really know what to add, except that BJs are kinda my favorite sexual thing. No BJs? Wow, that’d be rough.
Carry on.
In other words, don’t buy the car until you test drive it. You also have to treat the car right if you want it to perform years down the road.
Personally, I’ve very sexually active. Girls I’ve been in relationships with have all been sexually active. If they don’t enjoy sex or have weird hang ups… the relationship kind of putters out quickly.
No oral sex would definitely be a dealbreaker for me. As would a person with an uncompatible sexual drive or belief system (like a polygamist for instance).
For some of us, the sexuality within our relationships IS that important. I can’t imagine being with someone and never again, for the rest of my entire life being able to enjoy doing the things that I enjoy in the bedroom.
The problem is that it is never that clear cut. Even if you start off with a sexually matched couple, in a long term relationship, things fall apart. One person’s sex drive might fall off drastically. The most common thing I see (and that kunilou pointed out), is that Life has a tendency of getting in the way. Kids, job responsibility, conflicting schedules can wreck havoc on ALL intimacies, not just the sexual ones. Both partners have to make time for intimacies. The question is what is the appropriate response, when one party stops putting in the effort?
To the person who no longer wants to make the effort, the attempts of the other person can be viewed as “nagging”, “pressure” or “obligation reminders”. For some couples, waiting for one person to get in the mood can be a 5 month wait, if not years.
I know that stands and positions in Great Debates and The BBQ Pit have a tendency to get exaggerated, but to me there seems to be a growing consensus that ANY pressure for sex is wrong. The quoted text above, seems to indicate that as well. Please tell me if I’m seeing something that isn’t there.
It should. WHich is why I do have a hard time understanding those people who remain celibate before marriage. I mean, of course it’s your choice, but it is a HUGE part of any human relationship. Just like chores/interests, it’s something that should be compatible.