Why do men marry women who don't really satisfy them sexually?

In My Humble Opinion
21

Fear of loneliness for most people outweighs what they see as a “small problem” of sexual incompatibility. Of course as years pass, small problems become huge problems. People in their first major relationship don’t know this, and people who’ve been in a series of short-term relationships don’t know this (or maybe don’t think it would apply in the long term because they’re omg so in love). The longer I’ve been with someone (anyone), the more their little flaws become magnified into deal-breakers.

This is why I’m still unmarried in my late 20s and will conceivably stay that way forever. Unless I meet my one-in-a-million soulmate (and I’ll know him when I see him, haven’t seen him yet), I see no reason to settle for less. To some people, settling is better than being alone.

22

This usually happens when women act a certain way in bed just to make the man happy (and eventually get married) After marriage that motivation wears off.

Futhermore some men just want sexual variety and there’s nothing the wife can do to change that unfortunately.

23

Some women like sexual variety, too. The issue is still one of marrying someone with different preferences than your own. It’s possible to marry someone who is open-minded or polyamorous like yourself. If you aren’t monogamous, then you shouldn’t be marrying someone who is. PARTICULARLY not without full disclosure.

24

Well, I guess that depends on how you define marriage.

I define it as a committed union between two people, undertaken specifically because this is the person you love in many ways and for many reasons…AND YOU HAVE SEX WITH THEM.

I love my friends dearly and deeply, and they all bring different things to our relationships. But the dividing line between everyone else and the person I consider my partner/spouse is that I get naked with the spouse person. That’s the big, fat, gigantic reason that they are “spouse” and everyone else is “friend”. In most cultures, sexual relating is the thing that defines a relationship that is eligible for being a marriage. If you aren’t having it before, the plan is to have it after! In fact, that’s even the legal definition of a true marriage, at least when it comes to the immigration department… If you ain’t fuckin’, your marriage is considered a sham.

So yes, sex does seem to be rather important. If it’s not important, why is this person the person you pick to be your spouse? Why not pick them for your best friend? Your roommate? Your doubles partner?

25

I don’t:dubious:… the question was about that particular woman and her reality, which I think is entirely legitimate. I really don’t believe that Dr. Phil has actors on…There’s plenty of fucked up people in the world willing to go on TV and talk about it.

26

You are right, that’s the way it should be but isn’t. Good luck getting married by declaring yourself polyamorous.

People tend to try to have their cake and eat it too. Both men and women.

27

I know several poly couples who are married to their primary partner.

If you can’t find someone who is marriageable and compatible with you sexually, you have no business getting married.

28

  1. Couple’s sex drives often naturally taper off with time as lust gives way to long term companionship.

  2. Sex may not be a high enough priority when choosing a partner.

  3. People don’t cheat because their wife won’t give them a blow job, they cheat because the entire relationship is breaking down.

  4. The wife is a long term partner and the husband has “been there and done that” to some extent. Purely in terms of sex it is hard for the wife to compete with someone new and exciting.

29

I’m willing to believe that she is telling the truth about her situation, but that doesn’t mean that it’s by any means typical or ordinary. That’s what I meant. Also I would not be surprised if she is coached into exaggerating the t ruth to make her story more interesting.

30

Well, I’m not sure this is the best example of what you’re asking in your OP - for the couple in question, the woman was gagging for it and hubby was the one who wasn’t putting out. She actually thought he might be gay. To me that’s a bit different than them getting married and her deciding she doesn’t like to give BJs.

FWIW, I know an IRL (former) couple where the man quit having sex with the woman after she had to have a hysterectomy. She actually thought that he couldn’t get it up but it turned out he was going to hos the whole time.

To me, that has nothing to do with him marrying someone who doesn’t satisfy him and everything to do with him having bizarre hang ups about uteri the their presence or absence in the woman he’s fucking.

31

I don’t think these kinds of marriages are mainstream yet or ever will be.

True, but people still do.

32

And some men marry women who are apparently happily married for fifteen years and who then begin drinking to excess every day and who begin behaving erratically in the extreme. Go figure.

33

And some men tell others that the reason they cheat is because their wives won’t do A, B or C often enough or ever, when the reality is that the guy might be 1)crappy in bed 2) not a loving person who makes his partner feel wanted or even 3) just a jerk who wants to cheat but needs to make up an excuse. Maybe his wife has just given up on trying to deal with an alcoholic. Maybe he puts her down any time he doesn’t meet his standards…there’s plenty of guys who threaten to leave if their wife gains weight. And maybe, in some cases (yes, it still happens) they don’t have sex before they marry and have no idea what they like in the way of technique or frequency. Or maybe he doesn’t bathe before asking for oral. There’s a lot of ways it could be the guy’s issue, not the woman’s.

34

It’s kind of arrogant to dictate to people what has to be important to them about their marriages, isn’t it? Not everybody thinks sex is the be all and end all, and while a lot of guys might not be getting everything they want, enough of them get enough of what they want to stay.

Romantic love is not just about sex, and we generally aren’t talking about no sex at all, anyway.

One of the things that happens (and happens pretty commonly) is that the sexual character of the relationship changes over time. A lot of women have diminished libidos after having chidren. Some of them just were never that interested in the first place, but played along enough to get the ring. Sometimnes the guy lets himself go physically and she isn’t as excited about blowing him anymore. It’s also often the case that the guys aren’t meeting their wives’ emotional needs and are essentially expecting something for nothong.

Usually, when these guys married these women, the guys really were in love at the time, and quite often did not anticipate the sex going away. Your real question is why they stay with them and cheat rather than just leaving them, and the answer to that is that divorce presents a host of inconvenient conflicts and headaches that they’d rather just avoid, especially if there are children. You didn’t mention that aspect, but a lot of people actually give a shit about their kids and don’t want to disrupt their lives.

35

Because she lost interest, and started treating sex as a distasteful chore after they married.

Because they assumed it would get better and more comfortable, with time, and it didn’t.

Because they felt they had to marry her for one reason or another, and tried to make it work. And failed in at least one respect.

Because they were told that regular sex was an unreasonable assumption, post honeymoon.

Because they never HAD sex pre-marriage, and didn’t realize they weren’t compatable.

Because they believed they could never find a compatible partner. (Bisexual guys, or straight male submissives, just to name two, have a pretty tough road, marriage-wise. Many kinks have a very disproportionate gender-skew)

Because they’re gay and were trying not to be.

Because they didn’t think they could do any better.

Or, of course, because he had a Madonna/Whore complex, or some other major sexual hang-up. Or, she did. I have been lead to believe that an inability to enjoy sex for its own sake is more common with women, but perhaps I was misinformed.

While ‘why did you marry X if you’re not into them’ is a good question, but it isn’t always a fair question. People can change, and so do the times. Bad romantic situations aren’t always someone’s fault.

Though it IS an important thing to consider PRE-marriage.

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What would the female version of Madonna/Whore be called? Daddy/Rapist? I’ve known women who seemed to have them, but never heard a term for it.

36

Incidentally, a lot of cheaters will say their marriages are unhappy or that their wives won’t put out as a means to excuse their own cheating and gain sympathy. Quite often (I would say more often than not) the guys are just lying. It would not get them laid nearly as often if they said their wives were caring and unsuspecting and thought they had a happy marriage. Every cheater says they have a bad marriage.

37

Ok, that wasn’t the tone I intended. I actually don’t know if that’s more common with men or women, though I would assume the latter.

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The edit window is your friend. But not mine, apparently.

38

I am a gay male and I can’t tell you how many Tops enter exclusive relationships with other Tops or bottoms enter exclusive relationships with other bottoms.

Then they wind up cheating. It doesn’t take a genius to figure that out does it? But they do it. So stuff like that effects gay people as well.

I do think sex drives change and I don’t know if people intentionally deceive you or not.

39

Some people cheat because their entire relationship is breaking down. Lots of people, Particularly men, cheat because they want to do things that their spouse won’t do.

40

No, my real question is exactly the question I asked.

I’m fully aware that relationships can and do change, I am asking about relationships where he knew before he married her.