How important is sex?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Long-time lurker, actually signed up to get some feedback from the Oracle of All Wisdom.

In a nutshell: How important is sex?

My gf and I have a wonderful relationship. We’ve been dating for over three years. We rarely, if ever, argue. We share some hobbies, and happily give the person the free time to pursue their own hobbies. We have never had a fight about money. We have great friends we like hanging out with, and we have a very active social life. She’s equally happy staying home with a DVD, or heading out to a bar with friends. When I go out, sometimes she tags along, sometimes she doesn’t. We have a great system for sharing cooking and cleaning that has us both oddly enjoying the activities that in the past I would have snubbed for root canal wok. We can be with each other 24/7 for days on end and not get on each other’s nerves. We can talk about anything and everything under the sun.

In short – in just about every aspect she is the perfect gf, and I am very happy. Except for just one aspect of the relationship that has me somewhat depressed.

Quite frankly, the sex is… bland. To give you an idea: absolutely no oral action, neither giving nor taking. No lights, not even a candle. Full blankets, no matter how warm it is. Only one position (missionary, me on top, and her legs stay on the bed – no ‘legs over the shoulder’ action). No woman-on-top, no doggie style. She sometimes complains of pain during intercourse*, so sometimes even insertion is out. So we end up with 45-minute rubbing sessions and a hand-job.

Now, it’s not like she doesn’t enjoy the sex we have. She initiates it as often as I do, and frequency-wise it has been very steady; a steady 2-3 times a week for the entire three-plus years of the relationship. She doesn’t ‘not like’ sex, and it isn’t ‘frigid’ – she dances around in skimpy underwear, and pushes a camera in my hand and tells me to snap away.

Early on in the relationship I put down the relatively bland vanilla sex to initial shyness. But after three-plus years and numerous fairly frank conversations, it has become pretty clear that things aren’t really going to change.

The thought of going the next 20-odd years with no blow jobs, no hot, raunchy sex, no oral action, etc has set me to thinking the last couple of months. I always held to the ‘idealist’ view that sex, money, and other ‘base’ feelings and things were secondary to love….but now I’m not so sure.

Am I an inconsiderate pervert for being unhappy with the sex when the rest of the relationship is so good? I’ve heard of people staying together longer than they would otherwise because the sex was really good; flip it around, and would you guys and gals out there break up because the sex was so bad? In 20 years or so when neither of us have a sex drive the whole issue would be mute - so should I sacrifice my desires for the interim for the long-term good?
*This is sometimes considered a symptom of female-related problems, but she’s been checked out and everything is in working order. She is very petite and skinny, and while I’m not exactly peter north, I’m not little john either, if you get my drift. This effectively eliminates any ‘hard and fast’ action regardless of position.

2

It’s as important as it is to either of you. Sexual incompatibility is a HUGE deal if you’re really into sex. In my opinion, it is a legitimate deal breaker. If you can’t come to a place where you both feel fulfilled, you need to decide if it’s worth it to YOU (not her, not us) to stay in the relationship. It’s a tough spot to be in. Best of luck.

3

It depends on what you’re willing to live with. She sounds otherwise fantastic, and you should give serious consideration as to whether you’re actually willing to give her up in pursuit of better sex with someone quite probably *less * otherwise fantastic.

On the other hand, IMO, sex is **extremely ** important, so I wouldn’t be madatchya if you did. When you get right down to it, sex is the one thing that absolutely differentiates your mate from everyone else you know. When you agree to be sexually exclusive with someone, it’s perfectly reasonable to expect mutually satisfactory sex.

4

I think there’s a big, lingering question here - Why? Does she think the aforementioned are “gross,” or does she “just not want to do them?” There are psychological reasons at work here, and it may take therapy to get to the bottom of what’s going on.

5

I just want to say that you shouldn’t feel guilty for asking yourself this question. It is a legitimate one, and too many couples probably go their whole lives without examining it. You feel how you feel.

6

We’ve had many a conversation where I’ve tried to figure out the why. She is incredibly logical and rational - one reason why we don’t have arguments. Regarding oral sex, to her it just isn’t ‘rational’ - the mouth wasn’t supposed to come in contact with the reproductive organs. Ditto for the lack of positions (that, and the fact that it is sometimes painful). For a time I seriously thought that maybe she had been molested or something in the past, which would explain the need for complete darkness, etc. But she has openly and pro-actively talked about our sex life, and hasn’t gotten defensive when pushed on the subject, so quite frankly I no longer think it’s a reason. Some girls are self-conscious about their body, and thus want it dark - not her. She is incredibly strong-willed, and very very self-confident in her intellect and body (she’s friggen’ hot, by the way, and she knows it. Some girls will try the ‘oh, i wish i was pretty like the girls on tv’ line in a way to fish for a compliment; that type of line would never even think about crossing her lips).

One friend of mine insists that ‘if a girl really loves a guy, she’ll want to do anything that he wants, even if it’s something that she normally would do’. In general, I kind of believe this, and the second year or so I did wonder if maybe there was an unbalance in the degree of affection we had for each other. Over the last year or so, however, I’ve seen enough to be confident that there isn’t any such disparity.

7

Yeah, I can’t help but feel like such “rationalizations” are a big dodge to avoid dealing with whatever the real issue is at hand. Who says the mouth “isn’t supposed to” come into contact with the genitals? And if so, SO WHAT? There’s obviously something more going on. Total dodge.

8

Right there is likely part of it. Sex isn’t logical and rational. By it’s very nature it is spontaneous and down and dirty. I am usually a rational and logical person, but when it comes to sex…all bets are off! If I were to be logical and rational about it I’d be straight since sex is ‘supposed’ to create the next generation.

9

If the problem is logic, you can talk your way into “doggie style” in no time, really.

Anyways, let me be the first to say that if you are thinking marriage and kids, sex won’t be there forever anyways. My wife and I were very sexual when dating. Somewhat sexual after marriage and just a step above potted ferns now that we have two kids.

There is the odd time when we are both frisky but those are few and far between.

I am sure many here will have a similar story (or are lying) :slight_smile:

Sex goes down the list of priorities as time goes by. Good conversations are everything.

10

How important is sex to you? And what sort of sex is important to you?

My basic feeling about sex in relationships is pretty much the same as my feeling about anything else in relationships: both parties ought make some accomodations for the other, and if someone isn’t getting what they need to sustain the relationship happily on that front they have to weigh whether or not that level of tension/additional stress is worth the rest of it. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, and that’s sad.

I’ve had experience with having a partner who just couldn’t cope with some of my sexual responses, and thus I had to stifle them or risk distressing him. In the long run, this distressed me a great deal, so now while I don’t necessarily need a kinky partner, I’m not willing to deal with someone who I have to hide it from. I’ve also had experience dealing with someone who was interested in things that didn’t float my boat at all; I learned that I’m willing to do some things for a partner, but not so much that what I want out of a sex life gets neglected.

Only you can weigh where the lines go, really.

11

I think most people who know me would laugh at the idea that I’m a sex maniac (since I’m single and celibate for the foreseeable future), and yet I would definitely break up with someone over bad sex if trying to talk things out didn’t help. Someone you get along great with but who you don’t share sexual passion with is a FRIEND in my world, not a lover.

It seems very strange to me that if her reasons for being against oral sex are purely rational that she wouldn’t be willing to at least try it for your sake. I am sure that there are plenty of people out there who don’t really enjoy giving oral sex but do it because they want to please their partner (and it’s very rational to want to keep your partner happy in a relationship!).
Being a 24 year old female I am not really an authority on the sex drives of aging men, but I’ve always heard that there are plenty of elderly folks who still have a libido, so I wouldn’t resign myself to a lifetime of bad sex in the hope that eventually I’d just stop caring about it.
In fact, it seems to me that it’s better to move on now than to risk that, sooner or later, you’ll meet someone who is more sexually adventurous and end up cheating on this girl.

12

Perhaps you could mention to her that sometimes a different position would eliminate her pain. That might give her an incentive to try something different. A good book or two might help. Or make a deal with her that once a month the two of you try something a little different sex-wise in exchange for something she likes to do, with the proviso that if she really, truly hates it you don’t have to do it again. And by a little different I mean like candlelight instead of pitch-dark…nothing drastic to start. I would hope she would be as eager to please you as you are to accomodate her. Many’s the time I’ve done things I wasn’t totally thrilled with, just because it gave my partner pleasure. A lot of the time I ended up really liking it, too, but if there was ever anything I truly couldn’t get into, then the good lovers didn’t force the issue.

I have a friend who is in a similar situation but to a more drastic extent…he and his girlfriend have been together 20 years but haven’t had sex for the past ten because she doesn’t like sex. And since he can’t get aroused if he knows she isn’t enjoying herself, he doesn’t even ask anymore, to the point where they have separate bedrooms. But she is totally unlike your girlfriend in that she has body image issues, and past abuse issues. He loves her dearly and doesn’t want to hurt her by having an affair, but he’s one horny guy who I think feels a bit trapped, especially since she’s the primary breadwinner, and they are both over 50.

13

Tell that to my dog.

14

Sex is like oxygen: you don’t realize how important it is until you’re not getting any. :stuck_out_tongue:

15

I’ll quote my idol Adam Carolla and what he has to say about it.

“Sex is about doing something you don’t want to do for 15 minutes, then expecting your partner to do something they don’t want to do for 15 minutes”.

Like anything, sex requires compromise to make sure both people are satisfied with what they’re getting. You’re not satisfied, and if she’s not willing to accomodate, then I’m not sure what else can be said. Break up or learn to jerk off a lot while watching porn showing scenes you’ll never be able to experience yourself.

16

Actually, all kidding aside, while sex is important it is much more important to be happy with the person. When we got married my wife was a virgin and I was anything but. We fooled around a little but didn’t go all the way until we were engaged.
My wife doesn’t like oral because of the taste and she has a sensitive gag reflex (she can’t even use a straw). We don’t get into acrobatic sex because of surgeries she has had. She is reluctant for me to perform oral because she feels she is being selfish and she also prefers the intimacy of intercourse.
Our sex life is not hot and heavy and there have literally been several months between sessions. But more important to us is the fact that we are friends. I guess we are friends with benefits.
She and I can talk about anything, know that we can count on each other when times are tough. Sure, I’d love things to be steamier and a little more variety. Hell, I’d settle for a BJ for my B-day! But she and I have talked about it and I know that she does the best she can and I love her enough that I don’t put it at number one on my list. I love her with all my heart and would do anything for her (or with her) if she asked. I will never look outside our marriage for a little nooky.
I’ve been with a lot of women but my wife is the only one I have ever really loved.

17

Sex problems are the major cause of divorce. Second is when one relocates and the other won’t.

18

Really? I thought it was money?

19

Do you think sex hurts her because of lack of lubrication? Not all women produce enough no matter how horny they are. KY is your friend. If it’s not something like dyspareunia or psych problems, it could be she isn’t lubricating enough long enough for sex to not hurt. If that has been ruled out, then I dunno. I can see not digging the oral thing; not everyone is down with that for various reasons. But not even trying other positions is odd to me. If she’s on top she has control and could reduce pain. And I don’t see how she digs missionary that much if she keeps her legs on the bed.

20

I think you need to start slow, as someone said upthread and talk with her re getting some variety. But I have to disagree with your friend–I don’t agree that “love” means the girl does anything the guy wants, even if it’s something she wouldn’t normally do".

That’s not love–that’s a fantasy.

I don’t get the sex has to be under blankets, but she is ok with her body stuff–something doesn’t add up there. I also don’t get the only one position. I think you need to explore, as a couple, maybe some sex videos–start with (is it Kim Catrell?) Sexual Intelligence (which is available at my public library)–it may just be ignorance on her part (believe me, I found unknown depths to my ignorance re sex when I first signed on here).

IMO, there is alot invested here–too much to just walk away from because of one thing. It’s worth it to try to work this out–for both of you. You sound bored. Maybe she isn’t or maybe she is, but in a different way…time to find something for both of you to share. Just my 2 cents.