Warming KY and astrolube are great. Flavored lube is OK but not great. I always found it made things sticky.
My wife and I have been together 19 years, married 17. I bought her a vibrator, thinking it might spice things up. We used it a total of 3 times. She prefers me to plastic.
OK, let’s say I buy for the moment the “isn’t supposed to” rationale for the lack fo oral sex. But then you say “Ditto for the lack of positions…” and this I don’t understand at all. Where is the rule that says only one position is the one you’re “supposed to” use, and that it’s missionary to boot? This is NOT a “logic” issue; there’s no particular logic (or truth) in that claim.
I think this is for you and you only to decide. Sex may be more important to you than everyone who responds here.
You’re not a bad guy for asking. But for some people that sort of thing (your sex life with her) is a deal breaker. For others it’s not. What is it for you?
You can try to work it out between the two of you, see what compromises you come to and if you’re not happy with the outcome and you think it’s the right thing to do, then bolt.
My friend dated a girl who ended up being his wife and was the exact same way about sex as your girlfriend. They are still happy, but that’s because he wants to be with her even if it means this “sacrifice” of bland sex. Sex was not on his top 10 list of things that would make him run away.
But that’s him. It might not be you - or might be.
I didn’t even know you could use a straw for oral sex. Ignorance fought! 
Has she had oral, or at least non-missionary position sex with someone other than you? Does she KNOW she doesn’t like it?
If not, then if you don’t mind my asking, exactly how have these conversations gone? Because if it’s you saying “I want to try this and this or maybe this” and her replying, “I don’t want to because it’s not rational”, then essentially she’s saying “I don’t care what you want.” and that’s a problem in and of itself. You’re asking for pretty meat and potatoes sex here, it’s not like you’re going Fear Factor on her. And what’s rational about being unwilling to *try * something that would make someone you love happy?
That said, this:
is not true. There’s no one on earth that I’ll do ANYTHING for, since 1. having boundaries is what makes us individuals, and 2. sex is supposed to be fun for everyone involved.
Have you considered cheating?
I think you should dispel this notion that you won’t have a libido in 20 years. Not only is it common for people to be sexually active well past their 60s, what does that have to do with now? Is this relationship worth 20+ years of telling yourself, “I just need to suppress my libido, and our relationship will be totally happy”… and risking that this isn’t true?
If it’s entirely that she’s unwilling to compromise on this issue of sex, I would leave her. I can understand having tried oral sex/doggy style and not liking it and not wanting to do it. I can understand not wanting anything but missionary because everything else hurts or brings back abuse memories. I can understand preferring the lights off or being covered by a blanket the entire time. But I cannot understand being unwilling to compromise with your SO about something as fundamental as sex. That’s irrational.
How adventurous have you been in the bedroom? Have you tried to give her oral? Initiated alternate positions, such as spooning, or doggie style(both of which are perfectly natural, watch the discovery channel some time)? Experimented with lube? Focused on her other erogenous zones before beginning? Three years together is a long time, if you know what turns her on without wearing her out or running into one of her brick walls, why not do a couple extra rounds of that and see if she reaches the state where she’s willing to experiment a bit more?
Enjoy,
Steven
I totally agree. If she’s not willing to try something new or compromise even a little bit for the sake of her man’s happiness, she’s being extremely selfish.
Does she have other issues? Has she been abused?.. maybe she wont admit she was abused? It sounds like this girl needs some therapy.
[Old fart voice]“Son, what we have here is a failure to communicate.”[/Old fart voice]
I usually stay out of personal relationship threads, but here goes:
Seriously, you likely have a bigger problem than a sexual one. There’s a communication breakdown here. This will cause more sexual problems than anything else. You think she’s communicating with you, but somehow the two of you are not yet on the same page with this issue so somehow the communication isn’t complete.
I cannot stress this strongly enough: Sexual incompatibilty will not get better without communication. It will only get worse and it will lead to bigger problems. It will not go away. It may not get better with communications, but at least there’s hope.
So, if she’s talking to you (and you say she is), but her words don’t agree with her actions, is she communicating honestly with you? Is she communicating honestly with herself? I can’t tell you how to solve this yourself and it may be best to get professional help.
If she’s not talking to you (not your case, but I’ll include it for completeness) about this problem, then there’s an underlying problem. Solve it.
Again, I can’t stress this enough. Don’t accept this because everything else in your life is great. If you do, you will be missing out on the greatest joy in life and your resentment (and hers) will build until all of the things that seem great about her now will fade into unimportance.
If she means that much to you, it’s worth the effort to fix the problem. If she’s the perfect partner for you in all other regards, then fixing the problem will make you the luckiest man alive. Would you buy a lottery ticket today if you knew you stood a 50/50 chance of winning? Living with the perfect partner would be better than winning the lottery every day of the week.
If it can’t be fixed and the sex means that much to you, then it’s best to find that out now than waiting until you invested 20 years of your life in a marriage and then realizing that its broke.
Just something to think about, regarding this comment: If she already has a tenancy toward pain, I would leave off all “warming” or “flavored” lubes. These products have been linked with UTIs. The theory is that they help spread/harbor bacteria (especially the cheap flavored ones that contain any sort of sugar) that travel up the urethra.
I am prone to UTIs, and have had the best luck with plain KY liquid (for the kinky stuff that required greasing up. 
).
Have you asked her any direct questions about sex lately? Even if the two of you have discussed this before, people grow and evolve. What would happen if you explained that you would really like it if she were on top? Not “for a change”, not “Because you never get on top”- just a direct but polite request.
Lots of people will find some aspect of their lives that they-and only they- can control. Sort of like food issues for someone suffering from anorexia or bulemia, or housekeeping to an obsessive degree. Do you think she is running a tight ship in the bed simply because she finds some sort of comfort in her routine and the expectations she has previously spelled out? She may not have a psychological issue at all, but instead an inconsiderate bad habit.
What’s the point of having a hot girlfriend if you can’t go home and bang the shit out of her?
Are you giving her orgasms? Does she masturbate?
I am a very horny girl and, to me, sex is a huge issue, especially no oral! I always assumed that those poor, pathetic creatures who “don’t like” oral eventually grow out of it, because otherwise their relationships are doomed! Who would put up with that?
How old are you both?
I have a feeling that it might be a self-esteem issue on your part that’s keeping you in a relationship where the sex is unsatisfying at best and completely unacceptable at worst. Are you only with her because you don’t think you can do better? Trust me, there are girls out there who would be happy to blow you 5 nights a week, and you’re not going to find them watching a DVD next to little miss blowjobs-aren’t-logical.
She’s not religious, is she? That’s not what’s going on here…?
Whew - lots of comments.
In no particular order: Lubrication isn’t a problem; she is as wet as they come. Like I said earlier, it’s not that she doesn’t like sex: She enjoys the sex we have. She initiates sex, and she comes almost every time, and I’m pretty sure she’s not faking (guys, most of you probably have experienced what the vaginal walls feel like when a girl reaches climax; pretty hard to fake that!).
I’m late 30s, she’s early 30s.
About twice a year we try oral sex (both ways); she just doesn’t like it. Ditto various positions. We’ve tried numerous - even when it isn’t painful, she just doesn’t like being on top or doggie style. She’s generally not willing to do something she doesn’t want to do (she’s very strong willed - one of the things I love about her), but that’s beside the point because having her do something I know she doesn’t want to even try is a mood-breaker for me.
The sex is bland, but I wouldn’t say it’s bad. Basically it’s 30-40 minutes of foreplay (lots of touching, rubbing, and kissing) and 10-15 minutes of insertion, sometimes followed by a handjob. 2-3 times a week. I know lots of couples that would kill for that kind of sex life 
I’ve heard her talking with girlfriends about it - they all tell her she’s crazy for at least not wanting oral, and one friend keeps getting mad at her (jokingly, of course) for not giving BJs; she’s (jokingly, I think) offered to ‘help out’ :eek:
But she tells them pretty much the same thing she tells me - she doesn’t like something, and why should she do something she doesn’t like? Plus, she’s very happy with me in bed, and she doesn’t ‘want more’. The fact that I want more doesn’t factor into the equation, and it’s the ONLY aspect of our relationship where I feel like she is being selfish.
Am I with her because I couldn’t do better? Almost all my ex gfs were better in bed. None, and I mean none, were as good of person and gf as she is in every other aspect of the relationship. She’s beautiful, intelligent, has a very respected career at a very very well-known, respected institution, had her master’s at 23, speaks three languages, and has essentially zero emotional issues (other than sex, which may or may not be related to emotional issues). I long wondered if there wasn’t an abusive history involved, but I’ve pretty much ruled it out by now: she initiates sex, she clearly enjoys it, and she is very self confident about herself and about her appearence.
I haven’t thought about cheating (well, ok - the friend offering to help out has introduced fantasies of a three-way )
The mantra that has kept my girlfriend and I together due to differing tastes in sex: “It’s not cheating if the other person is there at the time.”
If you don’t think it will bring a world of hurt on your relationship to suggest this, I’d give it a shot. I mean if she isn’t meeting your needs, someone has to right? And it’s better to do it with her support than without it.
runs whetstone over machete
You rang? :dubious:
Is she hot?
Come on, everyone here was thinking that!
Uh- yeah, she is, actually. One great universal truth: Hot women have hot girlfriends. I’m convinced it’s god’s way of testing us.
GCS, she sounds wonderful. Next time you feel a complaint about mediocre sex coming on, refer to this list.
If I were in your shoes, I’d look for a new person. For me, sex is a fairly important part of a good relationship. Why? I’m not the nicest person to be around if I’m not having good sex, and masturbation doesn’t really help that much. Also, I don’t want to be bored in bed for the rest of my life because someday my libido might wane; I really don’t have any expectations of that happening, and I’m a happier person when I eat well, exericse, and get good sex.
As for you, is having boring, somewhat unfulfilling sex something you’re willing to put up with to get all the other benefits out of the relationship? Sure, it works for some people, but are you confident that you’ll never meet someone as good as her who’s also great in bed? You’d also mentioned some size compatibility issues; you’re a little big for her, and she’s a little small for you. If it were me, I’d feel really awkward about that to start with, and probably wouldn’t have gotten as far in the relationship because sexual compatibility in addition to personal/emotional compatibility matters a lot to me. Part of intimacy is being completely comfortable with the person in situations like this, and a good bit of that stems from a shared/agreed view on things like this. If it were me, I would’ve been out of there, but it’s your decision in the end and I wouldn’t want to push you to leave if boring sex isn’t a dealbreaker for you.