We are together for the last 1,5 years and we live together in our new house for the last 5 months. At first sex was frequent and while not great it was OK. But when we moved together 5 months ago the frequency dropped from once every 2 days to once a week. Whenever I would ask her for sex it would be either too late or too early or she would have just had a meal and feel bloated or whatever.
And when we would eventually have sex, it would be bad. Some times I would touch her the “wrong way” and she would go cold. Sometimes she would go cold for no reason at all. Another time, while I was eating her she cut me off because “I was making too much noise”.
Part of the problem is that she has a lot of hang ups regarding sex. She doesn’t want to touch herself, she doesn;t like lube or saliva, which sometimes makes sex uncomfortable or even painful for me. She just tolerates being fingered and sometimes she gets turned off by it. Anal play is right out of the question, even when I try to touch her back there she will clench her ass. I should mention here that we are in our mid 30s and we both had several relations before.
To be fair, sometimes sex is good, but chances of good sex are just slightly better than winning the lottery. I’ve tried several things to spice our sexual life but mostly they failed. I tried some light bondage with soft ropes but she panicked, pulled the rope hard and sprained her ankle. Then I got her a rabbit vibrator. She said that it made too much noise and she didn’t feel anything. I’ve got her sexy lingerie but she rarely puts them on
Now I have come to the point where I prefer to jack off to porn than have sex with her because I know it is going to be bad and dissapointing. I have talked to her about it several times but it only seems to make things worse.
From my point of view I have tried everything to fix things while she doesn’t put any effort to it.
I still love her and any advice to make things better is welcome. But this relationship is starting to make me unhappy and if things don’t go any better in the following months I am going to pull the plug.
I’m sorry, but your girlfriend has some sexual hangups. There isn’t really anything YOU can do to change that until SHE wants to make the change.
If you stay in this relationship your sex life won’t change - other than to likely become a solo act.
It’s up to you to decide if:
this relationship is worth having a frank discussion with her in regards to the sexual issues. This risks an ugly blow up, but maybe she’ll she the light (I rather doubt it).
or -
this relationship is not worth it, and you (gently as possible) break up and move on.
Oh, please! :rolleyes: He’s coming here asking for advice and you’re critiquing him on vernacular that is too crude for your precious little ears? My boyfriend has used those terms before and it was just fine to me, never have I doubted his love. His choice of words is not the point here. Not enough :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: in the world for this little comment.
Are you kidding? A crappy sex life is the number one reason for splitting. Frankly, if you take more pleasure jacking off, I dont even see the point of maintaining a relationship. Especially when that’s apparently the best you got, and you feel like it’s gonna get worse with time.
No no no, if you really love her, you “taste the sweet nectar of her love,” or something along those lines. Any less and the relationship is doomed. DOOOOMED!!!
You know she has a lot of hang-ups, so you thought tying her up would help? Or using a machine on her? Or asking her to wear a costume? You probably scared the hell out of her.
Firstly, well done on bringing the problem up to try and reach a solution. You obviously care about her a lot and want to make it work with her.
Can you tell us how you talked to her about it, i.e. the timing of the discussion, the tone of conversation from you and from her, what you said, what she said, what was decided (if anything)?
Does she acknowledge that she has sexual hangups, or does she maintain that there is nothing wrong with her? Do you know and understand why she has these hangups?
Often, problems with sex aren’t about the sex. That is, you’re dissatisfied with the quality/quantity of sex, so you try to fix the sex. It’s more likely that the problem has nothing to do with the sex, but is simply manifesting as her disinterest in sex.
Since this became a problem once you two moved in together, I would suspect that something with your living arrangement is upsetting her, and she is finding herself less interested in you. Fix that, and you may find your sex life returning to prior levels.
Yeah, not quite ‘too crude for (my) precious little ears’ - just tacky and adolescent. Of course your boyfriend has used those terms before - to you. If he said it to someone else about you, you may feel a differently.
As you say, Dog80 has come here asking for advice - yours? Or is :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: for me all ya got?
Ironically, hormonal contraceptives can negatively effect sexual desire, especially after prolonged non-stop use. It might be worth using condoms for a few months and then restarting the pill.
Another idea is this: Try to find a week where you have an hour or so a night to explore each other… not have sex, but day-by-day ramp up to it.
Day 1: do or watch something sweet or romantic together.
Day 2: spend at least an hour caressing each other while clothed, but no touching of erogenous zones or kissing.
Day 3: While clothed, Aggressively pet each other and light kissing.
Day 4: While clothed, Grinding and french kissing
Day 5: Try being naked together and try kissing and caressing her, don’t stimulate any erogenous zones. You can try striping if it wouldn’t be too ridicolous
Day 6: Shower together, then dry her and carry her to the bed. Kiss her everywhere and tease her pubic area and inner legs with light kisses, after about 30+ minutes of sweet torture, proceed to lap her to orgasm.
Day 7: See if she still doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Dog80, was any of the “spicing up” her idea? If she didn’t have any input on it, it’s likely to feel as an imposition. What does she enjoy? Do you have any idea what her fantasies are?
No contraceptives??!! So you guys are planning on having kids? Maybe her reluctance to have sex is because she’s afraid of getting pregnant.
If you love this woman, you need to openly and without judgment talk to her about it. Also, it’s great that you tried new things to get her going, but for a lot of women, the things should be things like cuddling, taking about love and caring, and signs of support other than sexually, like housework and kind words. And - ask her what turns her on, and what turns her off. Vibrators and ropes, really? With someone with sexual issues? Bad call.
But, if you are not sure this girl is the One - just break up with her. The kind of effort and time it will take to “cure” this is substantial, and if this isn’t the One for one or both of you, it will just be a frustrating waste of time.
If it’s tacky and adolescent to use those terms when speaking to someone else, is it any less tacky and adolescent to use them when speaking to the person you’re doing it to?
Also, you didn’t simply say it was tacky and adolescent, you questioned whether or not Dog80 loves her on the basis of those terms.
