We do use condoms. When I said no contraceptives I meant no oral ones.
At first I did the “initiation” thing day after day and she would be as unresponsive as a brick wall. Then, some days later I said that we havent had any sex lately and she replied that I never asked her. So I started asking explicitly for sex.
Well, you aren’t going to make progress with someone who has sexual hangups by coming at them with ropes and dildos, that’s for sure. Usually this kind of thing is rooted in issues of intimacy and trust, and amping up the aggression is basically the opposite of what you need to do. It’s about building trust, and being emotionally available, not just finding the right sex toy.
If you’re going to say that those terms shoud not be used, suggest alternatives.
You say “Ah, no” to my asking if it’s any less tacky and adolescent. So it’s as tacky and adolescent?
In case you were saying it’s less tacky and adolescent: The fact that you are fucking them or wanting to doesn’t make it any less tacky and adolescent, if it is. If refering to those acts in that way is tacky and adolescent, it doesn’t matter who you’re speaking to.
3. If you weren’t questioning his love for her, why did you say: ““Eating her out” and “fingered”? Really? About someone you say you love?”
The “someone you say you love” is questioning his love for her.
More generally, how do you get that using those terms (is “fuck” one of them? Can I say that I fucked someone without disrespecting them?) is a lack of respect, as connotative as that term is?
It’s crass and objectifying.
I can’t actually think of a nicer term for “fingering” that isn’t the clinical “manual stimulation”. What on earth is wrong with “fingering”?
It kind of 8th grade.
Well, what do you think aobut my other suggestion, would she be willing to try it with you?
What terms would you use? If I say that I fucked someone, is that objectifying them?
As for objectifying, usually, when people talk about objectification, they’re using a botched version of Kantian morality that they haven’t understood. Being crass or focusing on a particular aspect of someone (like sexuality) is not the same as denying the other aspects and believing that the person is nothing but that aspect.
It depends on the context. If you’re asking for relationship advice and you can’t rise above sophomoric terminology like “fingering” and “eating,” then yes, it comes across as objectifying.
Again, what exactly would you say for the act of digital stimulation besides “fingering”? That isn’t, to me, a crass term.
How about “digital stimulation?” Better yet, how about not talking about something that specific and personal at all?
We need a fingering forum.
ETA: or call it “digital stimulation forum” to please Dio
Okay, how about not clicking on a thread that’s obviously going to be all about somebody’s specific personal bidness? Seriously. Fingering.
Aside fromt the very clinical “digital stimulation”, the only alternative terms I can think of for fingering involve puppet references and I don’t think those would be appropriate to Breakfast and Dio.
I’m wondering if GF perhaps doesn’t know her own body well enough to know what turns her on or not. She seems a bit repressed.
I think the OP took totally the wrong track with the “light bondage” thing - where did you get the idea for doing that? Did you ask if she was interested, or just show up one night with it? (There are quite a few people who would find even light bondage terrifying - if she panicked and sprained her ankle during it that’s a good clue she might be one of them) Likewise the vibrator - did you ask her if she wanted one, or simply present it to her as a gift?
Seems to me some of the “spice it up” tactics were more for the OP’s pleasure than hers - sexy lingerie is for the guy’s pleasure, not usually the lady’s. Sure, some gals like it, but some of those outfits aren’t really all that comfortable for the person wearing them, the appeal is the effect on one’s partner more than anything else.
What GF might want (and remember, she might not know what turns her on) is a romantic dinner, or an erotic massage, or pink sheets or a particular kind of music… I don’t know. But something for her, which means it might do nothing at all for the OP’s libido.
The OP’s idea of “spicing it up” sounds like male-oriented porn to me, which is fine, if you’re looking at male-oriented porn, but he’s trying to make love to his real life GF which is different than porn. I known the girls in porn all seem to get really, really hot at the notion of being tied up, riding giant dildos, and wearing totally impractical sexy outfits, but remember, they’re actresses. Real life women sometimes get off on that, but quite often they don’t, they doing it for the man, and what turns them on is something completely different.
It sounds like your lack of sex is a result of more than normal long-term live in relationship complacency. It seems like some sort of intimacy barrier has sprung up between you for some reason. That’s not a problem that will be fixed by dressing up in crazy sex costumes or taking romantic vacations to spice things up.
Unfortunately, if your relationship with Countess VonFingerbang is making the both of you that unhappy, and she isn’t really interested in trying to fix it, you may have to end it. Or resign yourself to being miserable forever.
Yeah, this may be about her sexual hangups, but it may honestly be that she’s just not that into you. I sort of did the same thing with my boyfriend for years and kind of figured it was a problem I was having until it finally occurred to me that maybe I didn’t want to have sex with him because I just didn’t want to have sex with him. It was a relief when I broke up with him - I stayed with him for ages because I was just sort of in the habit.
I love how a guy opened this thread to ask for some advice, and it turned into a forum for everybody else to argue about their own personal hangups.
I highly doubt a few months is going to change anything. If sex is a big part of your expectations in a relationship (it is for me), then you should probably be moving on. It’s not like you’ve not tried. It appears that it’s not important to her…so giddy-up.
When has that not happened? I think the internet is the worst possible place to look for advice on anything other than neutral non-controversial topics. (I.e. “What car should I buy.”)
Anyway OP, I would have one talk with her, being as non-judgemental as possible. It’s worth a shot if you really care for her. But you really should prepare to get out of the relationship, as those kind of talks rarely work.