If she literally was frightened by the bondage attempt, as the OP stated, then I think that indicates something deeper than just not being into him. If that were the case, she might be annoyed, offended, bored, whatever, but frightened would seem to indicate that something happened to her somewhere along the line, and that it’s affecting intimacy, trust and comfort with sex.
Does she ever initiate at all?
I seriously doubt she actually feared for her safety when the bondage gear came out. Come on.
The OP said she “panicked,” and sprained her ankle trying to get away. How does that not indicate fright? What other interpretation is there for “panic?”
He should try one of those chinese fuck swings.
Joe
Not an uncommon reaction for someone who was willing to start with but then found their feelings/reactions changed midway through. It happens, people deal with it by learning from it and deciding what to do and not to do next.
To the OP: It sounds like you two are not particularly sexually compatible. That bodes ill for a long-term relationship, especially if you can’t discuss it together.
I found nothing “juvenile” about the descriptors used by the OP. Such plain language is a boon to communications. Us medical types spend too much time using technical jargon as it is. Asking my patients questions like “did you ejaculate into her vagina” leads to more confusion than asking “did you cum in her? What part of her?”
Hell, I’m fingering the forum right now…
Joe
They might change their minds, but they don’t “panic” and sprain their ankles running away.
An ex tried bondage with me, I was fine with trying it but the reality of having my hands tied freaked me out. It had nothing to do with trust or our relationship or sexual hangups. If he hadnt gotten me untied I probably could have sprained my wrist easily enough.
I disagree. Panic reactions happen in perfectly willing people who are trying something new of their own volition.
In my experience, when our sex life is bad, it’s because some other aspect of our lives is bad. If the house is a disaster area and I have asked my husband to help me with it for the umpteenth time, I am not really going to be feeling it. I would suggest you take a look at the rest of your relationship. If it seems hunky dory then…
…try to be intimate with her on occasion. Do not expect sex. If it happens, great, if not, do something intimate with her the next day. Snuggle, kiss and don’t pressure. If she never gets to the point where she wants to have sex after a few days of this, chances are she isn’t going to.
Would you and your partner consider going to a couples counselor? There are a lot of issues that could be affecting her sex drive or her willingness to have sex with you, and there is no way for us (or maybe you) to really know what’s going on.
I’ve been in relationships where I didn’t want to have sex with my SO. Some various reasons:
I was mad at him for something that we had talked about but had not been resolved. I suspected he was cheating (well, he was cheating, actually, and I knew it but he wouldn’t admit it). He was emotionally abusive. He was overly demanding and critical of the way we had sex–I wasn’t “into” it enough, I didn’t initiate it enough, I didn’t say the right things, etc. I had abuse issues and like your girlfriend, could freeze up if something triggered me. The things that turned me on weren’t the things he wanted to do, so he’d refuse to do them.
Note that these reasons didn’t happen all the time, or with a single partner; I’m thinking of issues that occurred at various times with various partners. But any one of them could be applicable in your case, and you may not have the information you need to really understand what’s going on. In fact, she may not really have a handle on it herself.
So again…how about that counseling?
Good luck.
Of course not. And if the OP had used the phrases “performed the act of cunnilingus” and “performed the act of manual digital stimulation,” some ass would say he was being obtuse.
Joe
So she sprained her ankle trying to get out for the pure fun of having a sprained ankle, did she? :rolleyes:
OP, only she can really know what’s going on here, you can only ask her about it. And if she will not talk to you about why she doesn’t want to have sex, you can make an ultimatum that she gets therapy for her hang-ups (or medical intervention if her naughty bits are literally insensate), or you will walk. I definitely think it’s time for that.
You didn’t necessarily handle this situation in the best way (though I’d say that most women would really appreciate the vibrator purchase, unless they had a medical condition preventing its use). The bondage incident in particular points to either a lack of preparation (if a safe word was not implemented) or her not feeling safe enough with you to have you untie her before she went into full-on panic mode.
Some important questions before anyone (hopefully a therapist) can truly advise on the situation: Has she ever masturbated in front of you? Has she ever had an orgasm at all? Does she ever play with herself when you aren’t around? A healthy relationship needs to be able to field these sorts of questions honestly, or you’re not going to get anywhere. I hate to say dump her, but if she isn’t willing to get help there is nothing much else you can do.
Does she have a history of systemic sexual abuse and/or rape that she didn’t get psychological help for?
Cite?
Personal experiences of people in this very thread?
How about personal experience in lieu of a cite? I have had panic attacks when I was willingly with a partner I loved and trusted. And I wasn’t even tied up–if I had been, no doubt I would’ve hurt myself trying to get away. Even now I have moments where I really have to stop and regroup and take a few deep breaths.
Trauma does terrible things to people.
Trauma. Exactly. That’s exactly what I said. That panic indicates earlier trauma.
My post was my cite. Be there, done that, although I have no idea why I responded to the situation as I did.
Are you saying that panic only occurs when you have experienced trauma in the past from a similar event?
If you’ve never been in a car accident before, and you see a car heading directly at you about to have a head on collision with you, you will not panic, since this will be the first time? Is that the argument that you are making?