Some people don’t respond well at all to being restrained, and don’t realize how poorly they’ll take it until it’s already going on. That’s why, if you’re playing these games with a newbie, you have to take it really slow until you know each others comfort level.
Very well said and good advice. My sentiments exactly. I wish you luck Dog80.
No, I’m saying it’s a red flag, especially in combination with other intimacy issues.
Everyone — please return to the topic of this OP’s problems with his girlfriend and stop the highjack regarding the cause of panic reactions. It’s swamping the main point of the thread.
Thank you,
Ellen Cherry
Had we had an episode of The Dio Show in a while? I can’t remember one but this poor thread doesn’t stand much of a chance now.
There’s been good advice posted here OP. You have my best wishes.
She sprained her ankle as a result of her issues and hangups, not out of fear of her boyfriend. And :rolleyes: right back at you.
Oops, I posted this before I saw the mod warning.
Dog80, it sounds like you have done your due diligence to try to fix this large problem - if you’re not sexually compatible (and it sounds like you aren’t, without pointing any fingers at either of you), ending the relationship is probably best for both of you. Couples usually find their sex life getting less…hot and intense as they stay together. Yours sounds like it has nowhere to go except down from here.
Take the “Dio Show” baiting elsewhere-it has no place here.
Again, no. Even if my boyfriend used that vernacular while speaking to another person, I wouldn’t care. Nice try at guessing that, though.
Dude, if things are dry enough that it’s painful for you, how do you think it feels to her? :eek: Excuse me for a moment while I knot my knees protectively together at the very thought.
Then for fuck’s sake, STOP DOING THAT. You know she doesn’t like it, enough that it’s a mood killer. Continuing to do it just makes matters even worse. When a guy does something boring/freaky/painful over and over and over again, it becomes worse than a mood killer–you stop being able to relax and enjoy everything else because you’re waiting for him to go for the ass/suck his thumb/crank your tits like he’s trying to start a Model T/whatever. You know it’s coming, and it’s on your mind the whole time, destroying whatever hope of arousal or pleasure you ever had. And fyi, doing the same thing harder and faster really doesn’t help.
As bad and disappointing as your sex life is for you, it sounds like it’s far worse for her, and I don’t think it’s all her hangups. Those don’t typically get worse over time, after all, and you say your sex life has gotten progressively worse. As others have said, it may be some other issue in your lives together, or it could be that you’re doing the exact opposite of what she wants/needs, or she could be having some sort of hormonal fluctuation that’s having a negative effect.
Well OP I think you’ve got some good advice in this thread. It sounds like you’re doing stuff to turn her on but it’s not the stuff she likes. Have you asked her what she likes? If not, I wold start there. And if she says she doesn’t know perhaps that’s something you can work on together. However, I have to agree with what CCL said - if she doesn’t like it when you touch her ass quit touching her ass.
Personally it sounds like there are issues on both sides - she may have hang ups but it sounds like she’s trying to communicate with you and you’re not hearing her.
ETA - I thought the terms you used in the OP were fine.
Dog80, it could be:
- Medical issue…loss of labido, changes in hormones, medications, fatigue, illness…etc.
- Emotional issue…lack of intimacy, trust, depression, stress, affair…etc.
- A combination of the two issues.
Try to:
- Rule out any medical issues by her going to her doctor. When was she last seen by her doctor?
- If there is no medical issue, then seek counseling with her. She may wish to do it alone or as a couple.
The issue(s) may resolve quickly or may take some time depending on what the issue was. If you love her, help her get the attention she needs and be understanding through the process. Good Luck.
This might come off the wrong way, but do you guys ever have a couple of drinks beforehand? Maybe you go out to a nice dinner and have a bottle of wine or so? I guess what I’m asking is, does she ever drop her inhibitions when she’s been drinking?
Hey Dog80, sorry to hear about the situation.
Good effort trying to change things up in an effort to improve the situation (apart from trying even light bondage with someone with some sexual hangups; though I’m assuming she was a willing participant prior to the freakout).
The only way to get through this however is to double down on communication. I would approach purely from a place of love that you have for her. Table the “I’m not getting what I want” feelings for a while and put your focus on wanting to provide what she wants. And if you want to get honest answers, you HAVE to give her a safe environment to do so without being penalized for it (pardon the pun). This means you have to man up and not let male pride or insecurities about what she might have to say get in the way. The truth might be hard to hear, but if you’re serious about it, you have to (a) steel yourself for uncomfortable truths, and (b) let her know you you’re ready to hear the truth and you’re going to support her because you love her.
I think most people regard sexual incompatibility as a deal-breaker. If she isn’t going to participate in a intimate relationship that is mutually satisfying, I think the odds are strong that someone (or both people) are going to eventually start looking outside the relationship for satisfaction; causing resentment and ill will escalate to Defcon 1 levels and nobody wants that.
You got to talk it through and all of us on a messageboard can only guess about where she’s at in her head. Only she knows. The best you can do is give her a safe space to do so.
Good luck, bud.
I’d say so. Help me out here, because I always get confused about the comma = decimal mark thing, but doesn’t “1,5 years” mean they’ve only been together for a year and a half?
Admittedly, I’m looking at it through the scuffed lens of a 15-year marriage, but… if they’ve reached “bed death” this early in the relationship, I don’t see the point. Cut your losses and run.
Ok. This is gross. I don´t want you near my flowers. 
The two of you do not sound compatible. Give up or change your approach to her sexuality.
You know she doesn’t want anything near her ass but you’re still attempting it.
She’s clearly self-conscious during sex and you’re buying her lingerie and vibrators.
Neither of you are helping each other.
I beg.
Since that’s unlikely, may I suggest as an alternative that we all take a moment to enjoy the following musical presentation, courtesy of South Park?
I’m sorry, I can’t get over the fact that you thought that tying her up would be a good idea. Yes, let’s take the woman who is clearly uncomfortable with whatever the two of you are already doing, and this time let’s restrain her so she can’t get away.