So...how do I bring this up? (LONG)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Before you read any further, I feel the need to let you know this is, in fact, a sex advice thread.

Anyways, getting to the point here…

My GF and I do sexual things, there’s no doubt about that. We have not actually had sex, since I’m still a virgin, but we will soon. (We talked this over and it will most likely happen within a week or two…it might have actually happend all ready but I was on spring break last week, and she is on break this week (you’d think colleges in the same town would coinicide their breaks! :mad: ))

Anywho…my questions aren’t about that, since we talked about that. Seeing that I am very…inexpereinced in the world of sex, and she is, shall we say…not, I am fairly uncomfortable talking about this. But, they are things I want to bring up, and a few things I don’t want to sound like a jerk when I do, so here are my “problems” (they aren’t really problems, but I couldn’t think of any other word to call them.)

  1. I go down on her…a lot. More so than any other partner she has had. This has positive and negative effects. Positive: I think she likes it. She makes fun noises and squirms around a lot :slight_smile: I am aware of “faking” and so forth, but from what I hear from her friends (whom she tells everything to) she honestly is enjoying it, and I’m inclined to believe what they say.
    Negative about this: I go down on her far more than she goes down on me. I would prefer that she went down on me more, but I don’t want to come off as sounding like,
    “Bitch, suck it!” :frowning:

  2. (relating to above) When we first started doing things, she went down on me every night we got ‘frisky,’ for the first couple of weeks. However, I have never orgasmed from a blowjob (hmm…that word makes me feel jerkish as well…for some reason, the idea of my GF giving me a “blowjob” or “sucking my dick” sounds…not right.) I think that she thinks it might be her fault (i.e., she thinks she’s not good at it.) This is far from it (I think…seeing as she is only the second person to give me head (I like calling it that better) it’s hard to compare, but I do enjoy the feeling.) It’s just that I have previously only orgasmed from “self-gratification,” and it even took a while to orgasm from a hand-job. I think I have a slight psycological barrier to orgasming from anything else…however, the more it gets done, the more likely I think I am to orgasm from it. And I want her to feel like she IS doing a good job, cause she is. So I guess my “problem” here is that I want her to know it’s not her fault at all.

  3. I want to…experiment, in bed. Even though I am fairly new to this, I want to experiment with things like “69,” shaving (her shaving that is…though I suppose that if me shaving was the deal breaker I would), and anal sex (once we start having sex, that is.), and possibly other stuff. I know this sounds weird coming from a virgin, but 19 years being denied any thing makes it all sort of build up. Again, the question is, how do I bring this up? (Especially on the, well, anal issue. For some reason I find that very eroctic…but the few times I have “ventured” down there while pleasuring her she definetly wasn’t thrilled about it and I stopped. Again, I don’t want to sound like a jerk who wants everything to be “his way” in bed.)

I realize this is a lot of stuff…but I’m sure that it can all be solved with one solution. And I’m sure that solution is “Just talk about it and don’t be shy!” But I just want to see if there is some subtle, sneaky way I can bring these things up without her realizing it until too late!

2

Subtle and sneaky never worked well enough for me, ever. Some things just need to be said out loud, plainly.

You could show her this thread. :wink:

3

Orrrrrr… not!

Shimmery fading effects… cut to scene of bouv and bouv GF in front of computer…

bouv “…so I thought I’d just show you the thread…”
bouv GF “Um… huh? What is this? (reads for a minute) YOU A**HOLE!!! You posted this on a PUBLIC MESSAGE BOARD???”

bouv GF reaches for a kitchen knife, conveniently sitting on the desk nearby…

Shimmery fading effects; cut to a scene in A.D. 2062… we see bouv, old, wrinkled, and recently de-virginized, sitting on a bed next to a sleeping professional woman. bouv seems somewhat melancholy. He speaks in a Shakespearian aside:

bouv “E’en though wonderous to behold were the thrashings of my (rented) Lady Love, Methinks that something wath amiss! Mine newly-acquired ‘Platinum Pleasure Pole[sup]TM[/sup]’, which hast recently been sewn upon my nether regions by surgeons most wond’rously skilled, performed as advertised… yet, I lothe am I to abandon the thought: wouldst things have felt different if Mr. Happy had been here?”

fade to black

4

bouv: “But sweetie, I wanted to learn how to make our sex life good so much that I appealed to total strangers for help! I’m only thinking about our happiness!”

bouvGF: “Well…” :sets down knife:
I think I owe bouv help now. :slight_smile:

If you want more oral sex, nothing really beats asking for it, straight out. Sneaky and subtle tend to come off as manipulative, so I’d avoid it. Besides, that’s not a great precedent to establish in your relationship when it comes to talking about things.

If my current partner wanted to ask me for more blowjobs, here’s the approach I’d be pretty responsive to: “(Name), could you go down on me more often? I really enjoy that.” For me, knowing that something I could do could make him happier is often enough to get me to do it.

If you don’t want to come across as “Bitch, suck it!”, then say just that: “I don’t want you to think I’m going to force or manipulate you somehow into doing it if you don’t want to. I just thought I’d ask.”

It’s not something you can slip into casual conversation, of course (“Hey, hon, can you pass the sweet potatoes? And by the way, can you give me more blowjobs?”) but there’s nothing wrong with asking for it once the topic of sex arises.

If your GF isn’t going down on you because she thinks she’s not any good at it, first, do what you can to show her that you’re enjoying it. Personally, I like seeing a guy writhe and moan if he’s having a good time. It keeps me going, and gives me feedback when I’m doing something right. I also like being told later that it was good, that it was enjoyed and appreciated.

If it takes a while to get you to come, even on your own, then by all means tell your GF that. Heck, I’d want to know. Though it might discourage her from starting anything sexual with you, it will help reassure her that your not coming is not her fault.

As for your psychological barrier to orgasming, hopefully, in time, as you and your GF have more sex (woohoo!), that will fade. I would also like to suggest that sex should be less oriented around the goal of orgasm, and focused around simply having a good time. Easier said than done, I know, but it takes a whole lot of stress off you if you approach sex that way.

As a former fellow virgin who wanted to experiment, I can only advise you to just ask if she’d be willing to try (fill in the blank). It’s awkward, but it’s the easiest and most direct way of finding out if you’re going to get to do it.

You said you’ve tried venturing down there (I assume anal) and how you noted her unenthusiasm about it. That’s good. You’re paying attention to her reactions. That’s one of the things that makes a good lover.

I realize that talking about sex might be hard for you. I know I still have my shy, uncomfortable moments. But really, nothing beats an honest, cards-on-the-table discussion. Good luck.
I do believe that’s the most personal post I’ve ever written. I’m going to go hide now.

5

In a word: talk to her.

Okay, so that’s three words. Well, technically a verb, article, and an adjective. So shoot me.

If this girl is important enough for you to lose your virginity to, and if you think you’ve got a real future with her, then establishing an honest and open channel of communication with her will lead to great sex. Trust me on this one.

It will be awkward, but it’s supposed to be. Just be honest, but not too blunt. “Suck it bitch” is right out.

As far as anal, shaving, trapeze acts, and the other stuff goes…

Get the basics down first. Once you start having actual sex, it will take some time for the two of you to get the mechanics worked out. Positions, motions, rhythyms, all these take a surprising amount of time to get right. Bad sex is easy. Good sex takes practice. You know, walk before you run, that type of thing.

6

Couple things:

  1. I want to second Why A Duck and recomend you take things slowly: remember, you are going to have sex thousands and thousands of times before you die, so save something for next month. For one thing, if she already thinks she isn’t satisyfing you, it won’t help if your first reaction is chronic restlessness.

  2. If you don’t come during oral sex, don’t let her blow you forever before you take the initative to move on to something else. My hisband is also very slow to come (which is nice for coitus) and I have a certain stubborn streak that makes it very hard for me to stop blowing him–it makes me feel like I “failed”. So when we started going out, I wouldl keep doing it long after my jaw ached and my neck cramped. It’s frustrating and painful, and enough to make you quit initiating things. I would suggest that after ten to fifteen minutes max (and often after 5 or 7 minutes) of oral sex, you need to be the one to reach down and pull her up your body and segue into other activities.

  3. Once you start having “real sex”, you may find you get a great deal more oral sex as part of foreplay.

  4. Quit comparing how much oral sex you give with how much you recieve. Sex just dosen’t work that way, and if you spend any time at all worrying about who’s giving more and who’s getting more you will ruin everything.

  5. (standard lecture) Before beginning a sexual relationship, the possibility of pregnancy should be discussed. What form of birth control are you using? How does it work? Who will pay for it? (offering to pay for half of the pill/depo shot is a seriously gentlemanly thing to do). Furthermore, if she got pregnant, what would you do? Frankly, it’s a good idea to spend a bit of time discussing it: don’t assume that she would get an abortion, or that she wouldn’t get an abortion, if these are things you feel strongly about.

7

First off, congrats. You and your girlfriend are gonna have lots of fun!

Let’s see. Advice. Good sex is fun, not deathly serious. It makes you laugh sometimes. It is never embarrasing. It is never a contest or a competition. It is just pure old fashioned fun. Enjoy yourself and don’t worry too much. You seem to have a good handle on this part. Be honest about performance issues. Make a joke about. Let it be known that you coming isn’t the most important thing in the world. Let her know how much fun you are having. A good thing to tell her is that if comeing was your goal, you could wack off alone anytime- but your goal is to have a good time with her, not simply get off.

Talk honestly and openly about all this new ground you’d like to cover. Once again, don’t be afraid to smile and laugh while you do it. You might want to try to get her to talk about her fantasies. Start playful conversations about how you both feel about certain practices. Just make sure she knows this is all in the world of fantasy and you wouldn’t dream of asking her to do anything she wasn’t one million percent wanting to do. Anal sex can be a pretty hard sell, but it can be pretty fun for a girl. Try getting her permission put a finger there when she comes. If she likes the sensation, she might want more. But by all means be honest and playful about things.

I’ve noticed your having trouble with words. I have that too. It just seems like all the words that describe sex are so corrupt. I usually either use the most vulgar term possible with a smile, or I use a good descriptive term like “oral sex” instead of blow job.

Oh yeah, blow jobs. Almost all guys want more blow jobs. But unless a girl is in just the right mood, it really isn’t all that fun. Save it as the occasional treat and learn to enjoy the wonders of mutual pleasure that you are about to embark on. Done right, sex is way more fun than blow jobs, and both of you get to get off.
Have fun! Don’t expect too many fireworks right away. Sex involves lots of holes and stickiness and sweat. It isn’t quite as automatic as they’d have you think. Lots of things might go a little wrong. You might come to soon. She might hurt. You might have trouble finding each other’s rhythm. Have fun with all these things that can go wrong. It is a shared adventure. Relish the fact that you have infinate time to practice untill you get stuff right!

8

bouv, I was a virgin until I was 28, so I am probably the last person who should give you advice, but, what the heck, I will anyway.

Actually, you have already gotten a lot of good advice. I strongly recommend that you reread all of the advice above. Then go back and read the posts from Why A Duck and Manda JO again. Then read Manda JO’s last paragraph again.

Remember, there is no such thing as foolproof birth control. Pregnancies can be ended, but they can’t be undone.

There are a lot of books giving sexual advice. Unfortunately, some of that advice is not very good, so take anything you read (or hear) with a grain of salt. But there are things you need to know (for example, Vaseline will weaken condoms; use K-Y Jelly or another water-soluble personal lubricant instead), so find a few books in the library.

9

I understand how you feel about a lot of this stuff.

I totally agree about the problem of what to call things. Words like “blowjobs” and “eating out” are things from dirty jokes, not the acts of love my boyfriend and I share, ya know?

As to your other questions: I’d say you have it better than you think you do. You say she is a lot more experienced than you, great. Maybe she’s just as curious about different kinds of stuff as you, and she doesn’t have to deal with worrying about her “first time” and stuff. Sometimes, although it isn’t always easy, it’s good to have a partner more experienced than you are.

Don’t push. Suggest things as total fantasy. Twice, maybe three times, max, over a period of a few months. Acclimate her to the ideas. Once she starts thinking about them, nor being pressured and on her own terms she might want to try them. That method has gotten me to try things I was definitely not comfortable with one year ago.

I understand your reluctance to ask her to go down on you. Ther emight be benefits todoing so, though: instead of her thinking that you’re trying to force her, it might make her realize how much you do, indeed, like it. Don’t say that you want more blowjobs in general, that seems more like an obligation, just when you are having a passionate session, ask her to then, in a very polite and sexy way.

BTW, take all this advice with a huge grain of salt. I am really not much more experienced in any of this than you are.

10

Thanks for the good advice. Especially the parts about bringing these things up at different times over a longer period of time. As for ** Manda JO’s** question about birth control, I was planning on condoms. They’re cheap, effective, and also protect against STD’s. This was actually an issue I DID plan on bringing up…tomorrow even! I am visitng her tomorrow, and I plan to talk with her about birth control and protection. Maybe I’ll bring up a couple of those smaller topics, too…we’ll see. As I said, I certainly won’t drop everything all on her at once.

11

Lots of excellent advice in this thread. I think the best advice is relax and enjoy yourself, and USE BIRTH CONTROL!!! Pill and condoms, please (you don’t want an unexpected pregnancy or vd). My doctor tells me that condoms alone are very difficult to use completely right.

You might find that the best time to talk about sensitive things is just after being intimate, when the lights are off and you’re feeling very close to each other. Some times and places make more sense than others for these discussions (first thing in the morning, when you’re both getting ready for school/work, not so much). A word of caution, though - don’t let dissatisfaction sit undiscussed. No one wants to hear that they’ve been doing things wrong for a long time, and they weren’t told about it. While you’re in the middle of it, ask each other for feedback; “Do you like that? Does this feel better than this?” etc.