Some advice from the sexual virtuoso...

Mundane Pointless Stuff I Must Share (MPSIMS)
#1

This is aimed mainly at our male members who have complained about their lack of success with the fairer sex.

  1. Women are kind of peculiar when it comes to their breasts. During foreplay, you should not scream “They’re free! FREE!” in a Frau Blucher voice when you unclasp her bra. Similarly, most women will be put off if you press your eyes to her breasts and shout “Up periscope!” Why this is the case, I don’t know; but trust me.

2.Don’t be in a hurry. Deadwood and The Sopranos repeat several times a week.

  1. Never glance down at your penis and smugly comment “Magnificent, isn’t he?”

  2. Take your socks and your wristwatch off, despite what you have seen in porn movies.

  3. Premature ejaculation can be embarassing, but it is better to face it with dignity and good humor than to try to cover by faking a seizure.

I’ll be back later with additional pointers after you’ve had time to internalize these lessons.

#2

Heh. Heh heh heh. Heh.

#3

I’ve been told that the best line here is to say “It isn’t really premature…I’ve been thinking about it all day!” :smiley:

#4

That’s some good, sound advice. I would also advise that during sexual congress (or sexual executive branch, if that’s your thing) you not mention that you think her grandma is so much hotter than her.

#5
  1. Leaving a 20 on their nightstand is considered poor form, unless this was already agreed upon as a business arrangement.
  2. Shouting out your own name during the act is often a turnoff.
#6

Is it OK to shout “Oh Flying Spaghetti Monster!” instead?

#7
  1. Even if you can last an hour, it’s not always a good idea. Things get sore, sensitive, or they chaff.
  2. The clitoris is like Kentucky Fried Chicken: it’s wonderful and magnificant, but you can’t go there all the time or things get nasty.
  3. The best “not yet! not yet!” delay mantra? All 50 states, in alphabetical order.
#8
  1. Stick it in, and wiggle it around.
#9

What about playing with her nipples while you make noises like you’re tuning a radio?

#10

Furthermore:

  1. You may have heard that licking the alphabet during cunnilingus will drive her wild with ecstasy. While this true, it is for neos. The true “oriental lickmaster from the Far East” licks Egyptian hieroglyphics. Get yourself a copy of The Book of the Dead and commence to studying.

  2. “Eat it or wear it!” was a fine sentiment in the mess hall during Basic Training or at Band Camp, but has no place in convincing the object of your affections to take fellatio all the way to the moment of clouds and rain.

  3. Many women are willing to try anal sex, or can be convinced to try it. Pressing the head of your penis against her anus and growling “Little pig, little pig…let me in!” is, however, unlikely to give the desired result.

  4. Muttering “3…2…1…Blast off!” as you orgasm may cause you good lady to think you are a little off the beam. Do not refer to her as “Ground Control.”

  5. Before you try inserting anything into her anus, ask yourself if you would be willing to have it inserted in your own. If you decide to test it first, be sure to wash it thoroughly. Do not give it an affectionate nickname.

#11

This sometimes works, but if you start imitating old time radio shows, or pretend to be receiving Spinal Tap tunes, it usually results in your rapid precipitation floor-wards.

“Big bottom
big bottom
Talk about your bum cakes
My girl’s got 'em.”

#12

Much better to shove it directly in their mouth where they won’t miss it.

#13

Ok, I like you. You’ve gotta stay.

#14

:dubious:

  1. Clown noses very rarely are going to turn the girl on. Less so if you didn’t put it on your nose.
#15
  1. Motorboat!
#16

:smack: Now he tells me!

#17
  1. If you’re with a real woman, don’t try to inflate her by blowing into her nipples. At best, it’ll look silly, and at worst, you’ll have a lot of uncomfortable explaining to do.
#18

Hey! That’s my kink, dammit!

#19

  1. Carnie girls should not be written off just because of dental hygiene issues alone.

  2. Pretty girls know they are pretty. Ugly girls know they are ugly. It will be left as an exercise for the reader to determine which group still likes to be told about it anyway.

  3. Generally, when a woman tells you to “kiss my ass,” it isn’t the sexual overture it might appear. Do not attempt to comply.

  4. If there is a language barrier, clutching at your groin and making hooting noises will generally get the message across. Wait for her to do likewise before proceeding, though.

  5. Consult the “present value of a blowjob” charts before doing anything to get the blowjob that might be damaging to your personal or professional life.

I hope everyone is paying attention because there will be a quiz later.

#20

“Driving the skin bus through tuna town,” is not likely to be considering an endearing euphemism for the act of lovemaking by the fairer sex.