Advice of a sexual nature

I have some advice I would like to share with you all, my fellow Dopers. Do not ask how I have come to know these things, but be assured that I speak with a true heart and certain knowledge.

[ul][li]Do not play “finger games” after eating Buffalo Wings. []Always know where the keys to the handcuffs are. []The police know what you are doing in the car for over an hour. []“Holy shit, fuck! Get off! Get off!” is not funny dirty talk.[]The heat produced by Cinnamon Emotion Lotion increases with friction.The kids can hear you. The next door neighbor’s kids can hear you.[/ul][/li]I know the Teeming Millions have more valuable advice to dispense. Please, by all means, do so.

If, while having sex, your partner says “I think someone’s coming” don’t say “It’s me!!”

Do NOT, under any circumstances, aim for the nose.

Fortunately, I have not personally experienced these ones:

[ul][li]Yes, it can break. It’s very painful and not funny.[/li]Sweetcorn: it doesn’t always digest very well, so if you’re into backdoor shenanigans your partner may get a nasty surprise.[/ul]

A condom doesn’t have to break for it to fail. Trust me on this one, kids.

(Fortunately, we wanted another one anyway, just not this soon.)

If she’s thrashing her head from side to side and crying out, “Unh. UNH. Aaaagh!”, don’t just assume you’re a major stud… check to see if you’re on her hair.

Don’t indicate orgasm with “finger pistols” a la Isaac on “The Love Boat.” Don’t use two thumbs up and a big cheesy grin, either.

Please, please, please, do not rub and squeeze the boobs like their rubber squeeze balls, these things are for real.

Wash your face after oral sex.

If you think that someone might come home eliciting a frantic scramble for clothing, keep a wet washcloth by the bed.

(They will know what you’ve been up to, but at least it won’t be awkwardly obvious.)

Under most circumstances do not grimace and say “this would be much better if you take your teeth out first.”

Not like the opportunity would ever present itself but too bad, you have a really cute nose. Your other parts too for that matter.

If you’re male, and have been chopping habaneros for salsa, wash hands before peeing.

Never, ever, no matter what else you do, sleep with someone crazier than you.*

[sub]*(One of the three fundamental rules of life, the others being:

  1. Never play cards with a man called “Doc.”
  2. Never eat at a place called “Mom’s.”)[/sub]

Don’t keep the Bengay in the same nightstand drawer as the intimate lubricant. :eek: :frowning:

Assuming this is sex advice, my advice is stay the hell away from Rysdad.

I see that many of us have had experience with the flaming hot rod of passion. Abby and Rysdad, I feel your pain.

As for aiming for the nose Sue, sometimes it is better to aim for the nose and hit it than to aim for some other orifice and miss.

And andygirl I must tell you that the glazed donut look of love is much more embarrassing on a black man.
It is true that we Dopers are a sage group.

Glazed donut look? What’s that?

Ah lurk, it is obvious to me that you have never seen a black man after a round of oral pleasurement. I don’t know whether to be happy for you or not.

When she screams “Fuck my brains out!”, don’t say “I think someone already did that.”

doesn’t have any advice as this is sort of a ‘new’ thing to her
didn’t realize the pervasive nature of sex in human culture
resists urge to vomit
wishes she had some advice for some obviously already well-versed people

in this case, my advice would have to be…uhm…
'don’t ask a virgin about: 1) WHY s/he is, 2) how s/he ‘think it feels’ or 3) would s/he care to contribute their virginity to a ‘worthy cause’.

all questions i’ve been asked, no less.

walks away whistling nervously

lurk, go perform oral sex on a woman for a very long time and then look at yourself in a mirror. Your face looks like you’ve been eating glazed donuts in a very sloppy manner.

Also, the towel can be very important if it’s that time of the month.

Not if you have a beard. Then it looks like you have rabies. :eek: