Oooh! A topic about sex!

I have a topic that I’m somewhat embarrassed about, which is why I’m glad I’m talking to you folks rather than someone I know and who actually knows me.

I’m in my early 30s and have a rather spotty romantic history. I’ve had only one real girlfriend in my life, when I was in my early 20s. We dated for about a year before a) she moved away to go to school, and b) while we intended to have a long-distance relationship, she ended up cheating on me. While we were intimate, we never had sex.

About a year after that, I finally lost my virginity in a drunken tryst on my birthday. Since then, I’ve had sex with around a half-dozen women. It’s always been after drinking at a party or the bar, thus it’s always been drunken sex.

Here’s the prob. I’ve never been very good at it. I’m a little – shall we say – quick (more from lack of experience than anything, I think). Besides which, I’ve never been all that original, sticking to the couple main positions. One of the things that terrifies me about getting into another relationship is that I’m not going to be able to hold my own in the sack. Especially given my age (and the degree of experience that it should imply), I’m quite concerned that I’ll suffer not only embarrassment about my inability to please, but it’ll get in the way of actually moving a relationship forward.

I’ve not had to really be worried about it before, as I don’t tend to meet many women that I would actually care to date. However, I’ve just become acquainted with a new gal that is just fantastic. After hanging out on the weekend for quite a long time and, I think, hitting it off, she called me tonight. I asked her out and she said that she’d like that.

I don’t want to jump ahead of myself. I mean, we’ve just met, but there’s a possibility I suppose that this could move forward and either sooner or later lead to an intimate relationship. I’d like to be prepared if I can.

Can anyone offer me any advice or reassurance that can help me deal with this?

maybe watch some porn to see new positions.

if you want to last longer, use a condom to dull sensitivity.

always, squeezing below the head of the penis will help you not cum. so when you feel like you might cum, but you think it’s too early to, pull out and squeeze the tip of your penis.

  1. On being quick: Take care of business before you leave the house.

  2. On pleasing her and being quick, I think most ladies enjoy everything before and after the actual intercourse almost as much/more than intercourse.

  3. Positions. I don’t believe people usually bring out the swings and sex pillows the first time, they start switching it up when they get a little bored. So you should have some time to work that one out.
    IANASex therapist, but I do get Cinemax. :wink:

I got a late start on that sort of thing, too. When my inexperience came up in conversation with potential sexual partners, I got the following responses:

“Don’t worry… if I’m attracted to you, I’ll teach you. It’s not hard.”

“Really? Cool!”

“Oh, so I get to train you to do it my way? That should be fun!”

“No problem. Most guys are such lousy lovers, I never have been able to tell the difference.”

So, if she’s really upset that you’re inexperienced, then she doesn’t like you all that much, anyway.

I wouldn’t worry about being quick. Most chicks can’t come from being banged anyway. Its all about foreplay (massage and touching and stroking - if you give her a massage she’ll love ya forever) and cuddles afterwards and oral when you’re ready. Theres heaps of books on satisfying chicks in the sack. The best one I found was called “Pleasure” by Margaret Leroy and I reckon all chicks and all hetro guys should read it. The ole porn style sex may put her off.
Many of my partners have been virg or little experience which I think is great because then you don’t have to worry about stds so much.
Good luck.

True Vlad.

ANd unless she is a truly outgoing, assertive/agressive gal… who wants to have complete control over all the sexing, the MOST important thing to be is confident.

ANd yes, she’ll hardly notice that the intercourse doesn’t last a long time if you spend a loooong time fingering her and other foreplay.

You could spin this and make it work for you.

“I’m a shy romantic guy at heart. I’ve always felt that sharing yourself with someone shouldn’t be routine, it’s just too special. I care for you so much, and I’m actually sort of intimidated because you’re just so wonderful, I’m afraid I might mess things up! Since you’re so important to me, I wanted to be honest with you. I haven’t had loads of casual sex like some guys, something this meaningful just wasn’t meant to be trivialized. I really want to show you how much I treasure you, but I’m paralyzed with nerves. Could you find it in your heart to be patient with me and help me learn how to properly worship you?” blah blah, etc.

As long as you’re sure to play on her nurturing impulses and let her teach you, as opposed to coming off like some overly intense stalkerish type, that might work.
Being inexperienced doesn’t make you bad in bed, being inflexible and unwilling to learn and laugh at yourself does.

Hells yeah on the fingering. If you can find the G-spot and she likes it there, you’re golden. (But be sure to gently tease and play around on the outside before you slide a finger in.) It’s about two inches inside the vagina on the upper wall. Basically, slide the finger in and make a “come hither” motion. Also, as a general rule of thumb on general touching/foreplay, softer is better–light touches and slow strokes can be incredibly erotic. Unless she says she wants it harder or rougher of course. :smiley: The other big thing is to GET FEEDBACK from her–ask her what feels good. Does she want it softer, harder, faster, slower, etc?

HIGHLY recommended reading–it’s long, but the print’s not small and it’s actually a good read in addition to being a great, comprehensive sex guide: “The Guide to Getting It On” by Paul Joannides.

And, like others have basically said, play up the honest, sincere, romantic guy angle. She’ll probably be quite willing to teach if that’s the case. And the BEST thing you can do is show a genuine desire to please her, which ties into the feedback thing I mentioned. Good luck!

I would not worry about it.

What Melanie said. My boyfriend of 7 years was also a bit light in the experience area. But he spent a lot of time reading about women’s bodies and watching porn (he’s a former marine, I guess they do a lot of that aboard ship), he’d study the different positions and such, and compare them to the books he read.

The first time we went out I thought, “gosh, he’s really sweet, oh well, if I have to teach him, I guess that’s what I’ll have to do”.

Later on, when he kissed me for the first time (oh yeah, that’s something you’ll want to work on too, I’m pretty sure I’m not the only girl who figures out whether or not a man knows what he’s doing from his kissing technique), ANYway, the first time he kissed me, I about fainted.

And then laughed at myself. Not much experience or not, he definitely knows his way around a woman’s body. He had been with two other women before me, we started going out when he was 26 and I was 37 (I know, I know), but a girl would never have know it to make love to him he said that all the long boring hours on ship he’d read and study about sex, women and how to please them.

It worked too. I think any man could learn how if he were interested and cared to (which it sounds as if you are, and you do). Just pick up some books, talk to women who are open minded about sharing what works for them, etc.

You’ll be fine. And if you make it “safe” and “okay” for a women to “teach you” (you know, don’t be all macho and insulted if you have to be shown), and enter into it (no pun intended :)) with a spirit of fun, cheerfulness and sharing, you’ll be fine.

What is said above about women generally not orgasming from intercourse alone is true, far as I know. BUT if you get her warmed up with a couple (or a couple dozen) good orgasms beforehand - note the word “hand” - then that can change things a lot.

Tons of stamina isn’t a requirement, therefore. But concentration helps (as does practice, obviously). Try to distact yourself a little bit. Thinking about baseball is a bit of a cliche, but maybe it works. Do some math, you know, multiplying some large two-digit numbers or something. :wink:

Gee, could that sentence in the middle paragraph have made ANY less sense???

This one:
but a girl would never have know it to make love to him he said that all the long boring hours on ship he’d read and study about sex, women and how to please them."

Was supposed to read:
but a girl would never have known it (it being his lack of actual physical experience) to make love to him. (geez shoes, punctuation huh?).

Then the next sentence was supposed to begin:
“He said he learned how, because during the long boring hours on ship he’d read and study about sex, women and how to please them.”

Masturbate about six hours before you think you might be involved in “naughty business”. It will help you last longer. Also, I’ve found that my ability to control my climax has improved with age, so that’s something you can look forward to. (I’m 41).

It seems like the other posters have given you great advice regarding sex, Nicholas Nickleby - namely, communicate thoughtfully and effectively, be honest and open. Good stuff.

Observation: You said:

It seems like the right thing to do would be to TAKE IT SLOOOOW - meaning talk a LOT, get to know each other, and cuddle/kiss a bit - like, maybe 3 - 6 dates. Why? Well, a few reasons:

  • You will get to know her better and may feel a little more at ease around her.

  • Ditto for her feeling at ease around you.

  • It is good etiquette in general to wait this long, at least, before trying to get “down n’ dirty” anyway

  • By putting the Big Event off a little bit, maybe you can go easier on yourself, not generate all that stress, and GET TO KNOW THE WOMAN.

  • Finally, and most importantly - the keys mentioned by the other posters - open communication and honesty - work best when you know and trust the other person, at least a little. The best way to do that is to spend time with them.

Ergo - go on a few or a bunch of dates, cuddle a lot, and see how comfortable you are talking - when the talking turns to more intimate topics, there will be a better base to build off of.

My $.02

I want to thank you all very deeply for your expression of concern about my little problem, and some very good advice. I already feel less worried about the whole bit. Ya hear so much about pleasing a woman n all that that it starts to sound like its the most important thing in th world. You’ve given me confidnece and reassurance knowing that it’s not the end all be all.

You guys rock.

You may want to try reading The Multi-Orgasmic Couple, really helped my fiance with lasting longer, and of course having multiple orgasms before ejaculating. It seemed like he got the hang of it very quickly, so you may want to give it a try, seems fairly easy to me and that helped me be multi-orgasmic also.

Yay us!!

Glad you liked what you read.

One more tip: Avoid getting drunk. Drunk men are bad lovers. Even if they’re great when they’re sober, they’re much worse when drunk. (Pay attention, lads.)*

I agree with everyone else who says “It doesn’t matter to her as long as you remain open-minded, and ask for and LISTEN to her comments and suggestions.” You can’t go wrong.

“You mean, you like it when I touch you … here? No? How about here?”

*Disclaimer: This is only my experience, of course. But it has been my universal experience, and it only makes sense: alcohol kills nerves, makes you self-centred, makes you want to stop whatever you’re doing and pass out without concern for what anyone else is doing, and so on - what’s sexy about that?

Not many people have mentioned the little things, Nik, so here goes:

A1) Be prepared! ALWAYS use condoms with lubrication. Don’t feel silly or that it is ‘destroying the moment’. My friend got together with an innocent girl who had only had 2 other lovers a few months back. He got inner-ureathral(sp?) genital warts and herpes. He had to shove a glass eye-dropper up his penis for 6 weeks to apply an acid to burn the warts. You want to risk that? Wear condoms. Period.

  1. Wash. Be completely clean every time you go out with her so you stink pretty.
  2. Trim. Get a haircut and trim your pubes to 1 inch length. Pluck your ear and nose hairs. Just do it. Shave.
  3. File your nails! Clean and file your nails. No woman likes to have dirty sharp edged fingernails anywhere near her naughty bits. It is unsanitary and hurts. When you go pee for the last time before gettin’ down, noticably wash and dry your hands (with soap!).
  4. At your age, she’s probably not some little flower that needs to be coddled and cherished and wants you to be chivalristic. If your going to fuck, she knows it. Go slow, but don’t worry, if she doesn’t want to go beyond a certain point, she will tell you and not feel insulted that you tried to touch her breast or cooter. She’s an adult, treat her as such. Don’t pout if she says no, she might have reasons to say no (period, etc.) so just smile and keep it simple. No means no, yes means “Get it on!”
  5. “Did you come? Did you?” is one of the most un-romantic things to say after sex. Cuddle, kiss, laugh and tickle afterwards. Then say “Again?” while smiling a few minutes later. If she says no, then she’s probably satisfied. If she says yes, it is an opportunity to focus on her needs. Ask her if she wants you to go down on her or use your hand (see? You don’t even need a hard-on for this). While men normally peak and fade, women stay horny for longer, even after orgasm, so asking about the second time is a good thing.
  6. You know how when you are about to come you generally speed up your stroke (masturbation and/or intercourse)? How you like it a bit on the fast or rougher side? Most women aren’t like that. What feels good to your penis is not what feels good to her cooter. Being rythmic, steady and gentle will go farther with the fairer sex than acting like a jackhammer. Porn Stars are paid to say “HARDER! HARDER!” but most women will never say that. Plus, if you are too hard to start with, you can desensitize the area and it will go from hard to “Stop!”. So start slow and light and you can always build up. She will think you are just prolonging foreplay (a good thing) if you are too light.
  7. Some women take FOREVER to come. My wife takes about 20 to 30 minutes (sometimes more) with me alone and only slightly faster with a vibrator (yes, 15 minutes with a vibrator minimum). So don’t try and run a fast marathon. And guess what? Sometimes they won’t come at all, whatsoever. Nothing, nada, uh-uh, nope, sorry, try again later. It happens. Don’t stress. Don’t force her to fake it to stroke your ego. Also, only 30% of women can come from intercourse alone…so chances are you will need to do something else.
  8. Have Kleenex nearby. A glass of water too…
  9. When in doubt, laugh. Sex is funny.
  10. Did I mention the condoms?

Just my $0.02