I never ask but sometimes you need advise from strangers who are not close to the situation.
I have been dating a guy for over a year that I am madly in love with. He is perfect; fun, good looking, sexy, high energy, good career, great no best in bed, sweet, caring, just one issue… non committal. He has been married twice I have not been married ever. He says he does not want anything serious but the more we are together the more we are together. He still tells me we are not boyfriend/girlfriend but we have lived together for 9 months. (Situation that helped us both out in a pinch) He has now bought his own home but we still stay together every night be it at mine or his house. He mows my lawn without asking, fixes my car, cooks breakfast every morning and packs me lunches, cleans my house and picks me up surprises of items I have either said I wanted or something I need. Could be small as a pack of batteries. But he continues to say we are not serious and that he is not looking for a relationship. I know he sometimes talks to other women and when we first started dating it was a more open relationship. At least on his end. He has not been seeing anyone else for at least nine months but me I am 100% sure. When do I give up hope and walk away? I obviously want a serious relationship, not talking marriage or a ring or anything but I want to be able to call him my boyfriend at least. I just have so much fun when I am with him I am starting to feel that the pain when I am not with him is worth it. I am addicted to spending time with him and I am all mixed up. Sometimes I think it is going great then he will do something that makes me think not. But then turns around and does something amazing to make up for it. It is very confusing to me. I think I keep holding on to the hope of something because his actions are of someone who really cares but what he says about his status on relationships is completely contradictive to that. I would love to hear from a guy’s perspective what I am up against.
Reported for forum change.
Reported for forum change.
Moved to In My Humble Opinion from About This Message Board. Welcome to the site, TXGirl33 - this part of the board should be a better place for this discussion.
If you’re happy the way things are stay. If you want things to change, leave.
I would listen to the more pessimistic of the options between what he says and what he does.
Why did he get divorced twice?
How old are both of you?
Believe him.
You are not his “Miss Right” but rather, his “Miss Right Now.” It’s great that he’s so good to you in so many ways but he’s made it clear he’s not available for more than what you already got.
If you’re okay with that, then you’re okay.
If you want a deeper commitment he’s already said he’s not into you like that so don’t go looking for it.
Will his attitude change? Probably not. You shouldn’t count on it.
If you want a deeper commitment – if you want to get married – chances are you’ll have to do that with someone else, live somewhere else, and give this guy up.
Don’t tell yourself that maybe if you stay long enough he’ll change his mind … chances are no. If being married means that much to you, take him at his word and move on.
Im 33 he is 43.
I would guess he is a slow learner.
Oh for sure this is not going to change!
Again, if you’re happy with the status quo then go on with yourself. But if you’re looking to get a ring on it you should be looking elsewhere.
I think you are more than his Miss Right Now, by his actions towards you. How would we react if you went out with another guy? His reaction might tell you quite a bit.
For your own sake I think you need to spend less time with him and develop your life outside of him.
Heck, if I were twice divorced I’d be reluctant to give it a third try too.
It sounds to me like he’s giving himself permission in advance to cut and run if things should get difficult. The reality is that even if he told you he wanted to commit, even if he married you, there’d still be no guarantee that your relationship won’t end tomorrow. At least he’s being honest about it, but I think he’s probably scared and insecure as well. That might change, but I wouldn’t count on it.
If you really need to hear him say the words, you’re not doing yourself any favors by keeping the status quo. But know that if you push him to commit you could push him away. There’s no crystal ball. He might jump ship the minute the next girl looks his way, or he might be perfectly happy to stay with you forever without ever using the word “girlfriend.” Can you live with that? I dunno. Sounds like you have a pretty decent thing going right now, but only you can say whether it’s enough.
Sounds like he’s telling you who he really is and you’re ignoring it. Because, by your own admission, he’s sending mixed signals.
In my experience people self identify in the most positive light. So when they say, “I’m a little brassy!”, it usually means they can be a right asshole, from time to time. He’s telling you, don’t get attached. Take him at his word.
Or accuse him of sending mixed signals, and rattle the cage, like you’re out the door, and see what shakes out. He could surprise you.
It seems unlikely till he changes his own perception of things, both as they are, and as they might one day be.
Why can’t he be a really nice guy that doesn’t want to get married or have any sort of committed relationship? He sounds like someone that’s burned on relationships in the past. This isn’t contradictory behavior.
If marriage is really what you’re after, probably should cut bait and look for someone else. Most guys interested in marrying, don’t really take too kindly to the women they are dating having fuck buddies on the side.
My guess is that after two failed marriages he’s wary of starting an “official” long-term relationship, as he’s seen firsthand that even the most official LTRs can be temporary. However, his behavior isn’t consistent with your typical “Miss Right Now” relationship. All of my “not looking for a relationship” relationships with women have been largely sexual, with a good measure of “someone to hang out with and do fun stuff with” thrown in occasionally. I would certainly avoid moving in together, even seeing each other every day or being excessively thoughtful in order to not lead her on. If he’s truly trying to keep this a low-level, non-committed, easy-exit relationship, he’s pretty bad at it.
I have two suggestions, one adult and honest, the other somewhat more manipulative but possibly more telling.
Option 1) Tell him you’re frustrated at the current mismatch between the lack of official relationship status and the fact that to all outside observers (and you as well) you seem to be in a * de facto* serious relationship, at least serious enough to call each other boy/girlfriend. If you want this to change, tell him what you’d like and see what he says.
Option 2) Casually mention meeting someone else. Then a week or so later mention going out for lunch with this person, etc. Check out his reaction to this news. Then tell him that you’d really like to continue your relationship with him, but that you’d like at least some level of commitment. Then tell him that if he doesn’t want any level of commitment, you’ll probably start looking elsewhere. He’ll either agree to a relationship or not. But even if he doesn’t you’ll probably be able to carry on with the status quo. My guess is that he doesn’t want to leave you, and that unless you take the initiative to break up he’ll continue as is.
He’s not perfect; he doesn’t seem to want the same things you do, and that is almost always a deal-breaker in relationships. I agree with the others who said that if you want things to continue as they are, don’t say anything, but if you want something more from him, you need to ask for it and see what his response is.
I’d sit him down for a talk and calmly explain that you’re confused by his ‘no relationship’ thing, because as far as you can tell, you’re already in one.
If he gets angry or otherwise freaks out, that’s your answer. Give it up. He is too defensive or stubborn or just content with his life as it is to change for you.
If he gets quiet and says he has to think that over, tell him he has (one week, two weeks, one month – some period of time that is acceptable to you) to get his pondering done, and then ask him again. If he pops a sprocket or tries to wheedle more time out of you, then see above.
Getting ticked or stalling for time both mean that he knows what you want to hear, and he knows what his answer is, but they don’t match at all. He wants to delay the messy end of it for as long as he can, because he probably thinks you’re wonderful, too – you’re just not him, and he’s the only one who can change his mind.
My instincts say that if he were going to change his mind for you, he would have done so already, but actually having a conversation about it will make whatever he does feel more official for you, and mark some sort of solid turning point around which you can base your future decisions. You might get lucky and have one of those 0.00000005% of guys who really do just need the push, but you probably won’t.
In the event that the two of you end things over this, please don’t talk to him for several months at the very least. At all. He may be a great guy, and it may be that you two can be friends for the rest of your lives, but not until you’re done nursing your wounds. It will make a minimum of one of you miserable if you break up and he comes over to bring you Pop Tarts or something the very next day like nothing’s changed.
My personal status, I am a male, but I’ve never had a long term relationship, and don’t date much. So take this for what it’s worth.
It appears to me there is a disconnect between his stated feelings (i.e. lack of commitment) and his demonstrated feelings (via his actions). It seems to me that his past history of two broken marriages makes him commitment shy, that he is afraid or unwilling to allow himself to feel like he is in a closed thing. Because he tried that before, and it didn’t work out, twice.
33 and 43 isn’t a dealbreaker by age differences, but it is a large enough gap that he is perhaps at a slightly different stage of life, or has had experiences that have changed his own expectations for the future. Maybe he feels a long term relationship that is not expected to be permanent is comfortable enough to allow the things he likes but with the freedom to feel like he could bail any time it gets rough, so he doesn’t feel trapped like he perhaps felt in the past. Maybe he has no interest in children. If you do, you should find out now, because this could be the deal-breaker you need.
It seems to me his unwillingness to even call yourselves a couple, i.e. girlfriend and boyfriend, is seriously at odds with the relationship you actually have. It sounds like a personal smokescreen to me. Self delusion on his part.
There is no magic wand here, no special thing to say or do to fix this. You seem uncomfortable with the current relationship, the unwillingness to even call it a relationship. This fundamental disconnect between your desires and his desires does not bode well for the two of you finding long term happiness.
I agree with others, that if you cannot stand the relationship in its current state with an undefined label and no clear boundary, then you must do something.
I kinda see the same two options as wheresmymind.
Option 1: You need a heartfelt conversation with him about how you feel, why the lack of using a label to describe your interactions is uncomfortable for you, why his behavior seems at odds with his words, and how that leaves you confused. You need to focus on yourself, rather than allocating blame. This is not about blame, it’s about how you are feeling attached to him and feeling confused by his behavior. You need to clearly define what it is you want (first to yourself, so then you can define it for him), then you need to explain it to him in a manner that allows him choice, but makes clear what your lines are for continuing the relationship and where your lines are for ending the relationship and trying to move on to find something that works for you. He may be a great guy, but if he’s not willing to find a way to make it work for you as well, he’s not the right guy.
Option 2: Try to help him discover and clarify how he feels about you by putting some stress on the relationship. Showing an interest in another man, giving him doubt about the current status of the relationship, that maybe you won’t be there for him if he’s not fully there for you, will put him in the hot seat. He will then have to confront if he really does want more commitment, i.e. a closed relationship with defined titles (Sir Studly and Lady Hotabody, no I mean girlfriend/boyfriend, sexthings, whatever). I think the method proposed doesn’t actually have to involve a real guy, just the implication of a guy. Mentioning you met someone, mentioning going to lunch, is a way to put him on the spot without actually involving another person, both to mess with your own head as well as mislead someone else.
Both of these tactics have merit, both have risks. One suggested course of action might be to begin option 2, as a means of forcing the conversation so that you can then convert it to option 1. In the end, I think you are going to have to have that conversation, the only question is whether you start with the conversation, or attempt the object lesson first.
In any case, there is no guarantee this will work out with you staying in this relationship. If he truly is as scared as his words come off, he may decide that the casualness has run its course, that he is not willing for deeper commitment, and that it is the end. If that happens, then you will have to accept that, and deal with the break up. But better to face that now, then to wait 10 years of hoping and then have him dump you.
There is a chance, however, that he will realize that he really does care about you, that his aversion to the relationship ties is really his fears from his past, and that he is willing to try. If so, some sort of couples counciling would be useful, mostly because I don’t think you can get him to seek counciling of his own.
Anecdote: my sister met a guy, they started dating. Things were going well, but they dated for several years and kinda seemed stalled out. She had the confrontation conversation, and he broke up with her. A couple days later, he came back and begged forgiveness, admitted he was afraid of change and afraid of commitment, and then they got engaged. They eventually married.
Of course, their marriage continues to have issues. His insecurities have not been solved. She doesn’t wish to leave him, both because she loves him and because of their kid, but it isn’t all smooth and easy either. But I guess that’s life.
Ultimately, you need to determine what it is you really want, and draw lines for yourself on what you can accept and what you cannot. Then you need a heart-to-heart conversation with him, and find out if he can fit in those boundaries. If not, you need to break the ties and move on, for your own emotional well-being.
Quoted for truth. If the relationship ends, you will need some time and distance to heal before you can resume a healthy friendship that does not have romantic ties. Both of you. Because it is too easy to fit into old patterns, to slip back into doing things like before. And if you’ve already broken up, that just leads to more mutual confusion, more hurt feelings.
Been there, done that.