Alright, kids. I need love-life advise. Many moons ago, when I was a young Swiddle, I posted this pit thread. It’s long. Basically, there was a guy I worked with, we clicked, I find out he has a girlfriend, grrrr. A year and a half later, his girlfriend has broken up with him, and he’s going to Germany for three months. We had a pretty fantastic night together, and two weeks later he left for Germany. He comes back, but I have quit the place we worked together, so the only time I see him is when I go into the store.
One night, about three weeks ago my friend tells him that she’s meeting me for drinks after her shift. He says “I’d like to be friends with Swiddles. I’d like to be MORE than friends with Swiddles.” Sounds pretty good for me, eh? Except I’ve sworn off one night stands after a particularly bad string of them. And he’s moving to Florida in September.
Our mutual friends, who have been watching this progress for a long time, all think I should just go for it, and see what happens. So here’s the question, Dopers: is it worth getting involved with a friend (where the stakes tend to be higher then with Just Another Guy) when you know that there’s a three month time limit? And if so, as an emotional person, how do you not get attached to someone? Help me out, Dopers.
It doesn’t sound like you’re bosom buddies. You may have been good friends in the past, but if you don’t really hang out together any more, the friendship has definitely cooled. As far as your concern about the stakes of dating a friend being higher, I don’t see it in this case.
If you dig him and he digs you, I say go for it. Three months is plenty of time to find out if he’s a keeper.
By the way, you might consider asking a Mod to move this to IMHO before the troglodytes show up and recommend you fellate a farm animal for posting such a weak “rant”.
Swiddles, darling, a three-month affair is decidedly not the same thing as a one-night stand.
As for emotional attachment, assume it’s going to happen (though, I submit, that it’s likely that the knowledge of the time limit will serve to hold you back from going overboard). And decide whether three months of happiness/comfort/mind-blowing sex is worth more on balance than a bit of heartbreak at the end.
Well, Swids, I think the only one who can possibly know your level of comfort and emotional attachment is you. Do you really like this guy? Is it going to break your heart if you hook up with him, and then he goes? If so, I’d leave him alone. On the other hand, are you emotionally at a place where you can cheerfully use a guy for fun and sex (and let him do the same to/for you), and then be strong enough to wave goodbye when he walks away? If so – go for it.
Personally, I only get in “involved” (as in, I’ll see you more than, say, twice) with guys whom I think I have a chance of developing a relationship with – because I know myself well enough to know I can’t keep an emotional distance from a guy I both really like and am intimately involved with. So for me there’s no such thing as a “three-month relationship.” If it’s HML* and a cheery goodbye in the morning, that’s one thing, and if it’s a relationship that’s going somewhere that’s another – those are both okay. But I couldn’t see a guy for three months without hoping something more would come of it – or if I didn’t hope something more would come of it, I wouldn’t be interested in seeing him for three months. If you follow. Maybe that’s just me, though.
Don’t deny yourself a summer full of romance because you expect it to end in September. As spooje said, things can change. Even if he does move away, long distance romances can work. If things go well, either one of you may decide later on to move so you can be together.
If he moves away and you never see him again, this could be one of those summers you remember fondly for the rest of your life. If you don’t go for it, this could be one of those decisions you regret.
Well, it’s obviously a deeply personal decision. On one hand, there’s nothing wrong with a summer fling. On the other hand, you are clearly setting yourself up for a major emotional fall – you have feelings for the guy and he’s moving 2500 miles away. (You don’t say why – school? job? is there a chance he’d change his mind?).
My deeply cynical opinion? You’re at the age where 3 months is still the average half-life of a relationship. Go for it, and there’s a good chance that in September you’ll be secretly glad to see his tail lights heading south.
My deeply romantic opinion? You only get so many summers and if you can find someone to spend one with, it might be worth spending October sitting in your dorm room moping and playing Dar William’s “End of the Summer” over and over.
If I applied rational rules, I’d have never gotten involved with a girl who lived in another country, clearly a situation in which there was no future, in that we started OUT apart.
But I did anyway, and our second wedding anniversary will be this year, and we have an eight-month old son.
The lesson?
If he makes you tingle… go for it. Plans can change. Hearts can change.
Sappy personal anecdote:
Against my better judgement I hooked up with a guy I was mildly interested in while living in Portland although I knew I was heading to grad school in Indiana two months later, intending it to be the one time I get the opportunity to shallowly use and abuse some fellow and throw him to the curb like so much rubbish after having my way with him. We have our third wedding anniversary next month. You never know what will happen.
On that note,
<Butthole surfers> “Daddy, what’s regret?”
“Well, son. . .there’s a funny thing about regret. . . it’s better to regret something you HAVE done, than something you never did at all. And by the way, if you happen to see your mother this weekend. . .”
</BHS>