So I moved to a new (smallish) town for school about 6 months ago, and found myself single about four months ago. I really am not at all interested in a serious relationship at this point, but I realized a few days ago that I am really, really tired of masturbation. There’s only so much your finger and a dildo can do for you.
I’ve realized the ideal solution to my situation is to have a f*** buddy. I’ve sort of had one before, over the period of a year or so, where we would meet about once a week and have dinner, movie, sex. It was perfect. But I basically fell into that, and I’m not sure how to go about purposefully finding one. Or if purposefully trying to find one can really even be a fruitful endeavor.
In my ideal world, I would have someone that I would see 1-2x/wk max, for pizza, fun tv/movie, alcoholic beverages, and sex. Sleep at their place, leave early the next morning. No commitments or responsibilities outside of this. However, I’ve had several people tell me that this would be a bad idea, that a special friend should be someone you visit ONLY for sex and you should never spend the night. Also, I’m concerned about the other person, and to a lesser extent myself, becoming attached. Furthermore, in an ideal world, I think they would be someone that I was slightly attracted to but not very attracted to . . .so someone with a terrible personality wouldn’t really do, in my ideal world.
Anyways, any thoughts or advice Dopers? Please also let me know if I’m living in fantasy-world for thinking I can so tightly regulate the boundaries of a relationship.
It can’t be that hard to find such a thing. I am a male who has been divorced for a little over a year. I always wanted to be a gigolo but never got around to it because of other commitments. I don’t need the money so I was thinking I could start that up now as a charity or non-profit foundation. I have no interest in being in a long-term relationship but it is a shame to let talent and ambition stagnate into nothing at the same time or else the another wonder of the world would disappear forever again. I am sure there are a whole bunch of other guys that feel the same way I do in your area. Don’t sell yourself short. In most ways, your qualifications sound like a perfect match for the job description of the best wife in the world as well.
I don’t see why you can’t have that. Like in all relationships, if you are honest up front about what you’re looking for, and you and the guy agree on the terms, go for it. It sounds like the kind of thing that many guys would jump at.
You can have that. You do need to watch the situation to make sure that neither partner is becoming too emotionally attached. If that happens, break the relationship off, because there’s really no way to “undo” those feelings, even if the person believes they can compartmentalize or control them.
More from a male perspective. All you have to do is pick an available guy that you want and say the same thing to them that you just said here. Hardly any of them would fail to see the downside unless they have a wife or girlfriend and probably not even then. It is cliche, but guys are really simple in general and easy to deal with and navigate. It would take some serious guts from you to propose such a thing but you are going to have to do that anyway if that is what you are interested in.
Thanks for the advice so far y’all (and can you tell I’m avoiding studying by checking this thread for updates far too often :D). Shagnasty, it does take guts to propose such a thing. If I were back in DC, I would probably go on a couple of dates with someone, and then bring up how I wanted things to work once we were a little more comfortable with each other. Also, if things went bad, it is in fact very easy to never have to see that person again. Also, the pool of commitment-free young men was . . . large.
But now in this small southern town, I’m really not sure how to go about it, and I’m worried I might run into a situation where I end up with someone who knows someone . . . and people tend to be a bit more conservative here . . . and, it’s not as easy to get dates, I think, to begin to propose such an arrangement. Although I haven’t really tried.
Oh, also, if they had a wife or gf and weren’t in an open relationship, then they would not be an option.
Too bad you live in MA, Shagnasty . . . a little far north for me to travel
Oh well, back to histology. Thanks again for the input. I’m glad what I want is not impossible or freakish.
Oh yeah, one more thing. Is wanting the pizza/movie/beer thing as a prelude to sex okay, or too relationship-y? Should it just be text-message arranged booty-calls?
Nashiitashii and i started our relationship in that manner. We had the same arrangement you’d like for about a year until we decided that we truly enjoyed one another’s company and decided to take it more seriously. If you are honest about what you want it can be an awesome way to indulge your sexuality, meet new people and have an opportunity to date lots of people without playing the realationship game. Of course you always run the risk of falling in love and ending up with someone like we did with each other. Still, the lack of awkwardness and game playing made it simple for us to learn about each other without wondering if we were just maneuvering for sex!
I don’t know what age range you’re looking for, but is there a university nearby? If so, that might be a place to meet people (e.g., single grad students, professional students or younger faculty) who may be a little more liberal and, perhaps, not as tied into the small town gossip. Also, I don’t mean to perpetuate stereotypes, but you might find more liberal folks among a group of artists. One of my exes (a guy) met a few women who were interested in NSA relationships when he joined an amateur community dance group that practiced on weekends. (He was in a small Southern town at the time.)
I think a lot of people would find it difficult not to get attached if they like you enough to spend that kind of time with you. People (esp. men) may say they won’t get attached (and proprietary), but in my experience that happens rather easily with people you are having regular sex with.
I’d think a college area <if that’s where you are> would be GREAT for that kind of thing, as many or most folks need to stay concentrated on their studies, and might hesitate to get too involved until they’ve completed their schooling.
It might be TOO small a place for this, but…might I suggest a personals ad, stating just what you want? A lot of people might not realize that hey, this is just what THEY need too, but didn’t know how to go about finding it, or whether it was truly feasible.
To answer a couple of suggestions: There are two colleges near me, one of which I attend and the other of which I don’t. But, honestly, I’m not really looking for college-aged men . . . to try to avoid being really really offensive, the ones that are single tend to be a bit boorish, and their interest and sexual skills a bit amateurish. Those are only the ones I’ve been around of course, but I would prefer someone my age (25) or older . . . maybe as old as 45.
I thought about doing something personal ads-esque, but I think I prefer meeting face-to-face, and honestly, in a context where at least a little bit of alcohol is involved. But thank you very much for the suggestions, and I will keep Craigslist in mind as an option
Oh, and also, I really refuse to do this with a current friend, as there’s a way too much potential for drama. Someone I could stop seeing at the drop of the hat is better.
I hope the foundations I will fund can reach out and touch the lives of young people like yourself who I know are underserved.
Laying such a plan out on the table for a man would be basically the same thing as giving him a winning lottery ticket as long as he knew the conditions in advance. Few females are as brave as yourself to admit such a thing though and that is admirable and you should get an award for it.
