I know this girl, who I met through a mutual friend (if you’ve followed any of my past threads, the mutual friend was the one who died last month). She knew of me through his descriptions and MySpace, and apparently developed a crush on me. We first met in person last month at the mutual friend’s memorial service. Since then, we’ve been IMing each other and talking on the phone.
In our conversations, she’s indicated that she wants to have sex with me (not insinuated, mind you; just flat out told me). Very flattering indeed, but we live about five hours apart. I’ve told her I wouldn’t want to try and be in a relationship that is so long distance, although I enjoy talking to her and being her friend. She, on the other hand, has told me to meet me when she and her friends take a trip in September that’s closer to where I am. And, she says, we can be “fuck buddies.”
Now, as a guy, I’m all for the sound of that! I also have very deep suspicions. Unlike porn stars, real people have feelings that get riled up when they’re physically intimate. Already, her conversations have gone from titillating comments (“I want you to pin me up against a wall”) to more mundane stuff (“how was your day?”). I certainly don’t mind that; as I said, I like her as a person. But I do sort of think it’s indicative of the fact that the whole “fuck buddy” phenomenon isn’t real; either you have romantic feelings for someone, which make you vulnerable and subject to being hurt, or you don’t, in which case you aren’t interested in being sexually intimate.
So, have you ever had such a “booty call” arrangement? If so, how did it turn out? And would it be completely horrible for a guy to drive 3 hours to hang out with a friend in part because he thinks it would be fun to get laid (FWIW, I’ve told her that I have “no expectations for that weekend. Ideas, yes. But no expectations.”)?
Yes, way back when before I was married. He was a great guy, fun to hang out with and party with, and very good in bed. He also drank. A lot. Much too much for me to ever see us having a serious relationship - I’m not going to come in second place to alcohol. I really didn’t need or want a serious relationship at the time - I was in grad school and studying my butt off - so it was a perfect thing for both of us. There were never any emotional problems. We were friends, but that was all.
I had a fuck buddy a couple of years ago. It worked because sex was all we had in common; we got on each other’s nerves when we tried anything else, though we didn’t dislike each other. It ended when he went back to Florida; he was in Louisiana to teach summer classes. Unfortunately, though he didn’t want a romantic entanglement, it took some doing before I was able to make him understand that I was no longer interesting in having sex with him. He tried several times to hook up with me again when he was in my town, and I had to be harsh to make him stop.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to have sex with someone, or hanging out with them with that expectation. However, people often use the fuck buddy arrangement as a way to try to get a relationship out of someone, and then they’re upset when all the other person wants from them is sex.
I would never have another fuck buddy myself. It worked out OK when I tried it, but it wasn’t something I want to do again.
Yep! I’ve had several actually. My favorite was one that we had such an arrangement for about 3 years. It would have continued, but I got into a monogamous relationship.
I had (and still have) fond feelings for him, but it was never anything approaching a relationship.
I’ve had several. Some I was good friends with, but wasn’t romantically interested in. I’m still friends, albeit without benefits, with most of those people. Others I had no significant feelings for outside of the sexual. Those people were more “booty calls” than “friends with benefits”, and when I stopped having sex with them, I stopped seeing them.
There’s nothing wrong with having sex with someone outside of a relationship, or even with having someone whose sole purpose in your life is sexual. Of course, it appears that your issue with this woman isn’t so much that you’re not romantically interested in her, as much as that she’s too far away. That doesn’t exactly make her an ideal booty call either.
I had a couple. The first was during my last semester in college, and for about a year after that. I met her in line at a bar and she took me back to her place that night for sex. We had very little in common- she was about 10 years older and a professor at the university I attended, but she loved sex and neither of us were with anyone at the time, so we used each other to fulfill that one need. I could only stand to be with her for about 48 hours at a time, any longer than that and she’d really get on my nerves.
After I graduated and moved a few hours away; we hooked up half a dozen times over the next year, specifically for sex. It was good fun and kept me from experiencing an extended dry spell while I was in between girlfriends.
The other was several years later, someone I worked with that confided in me she needed regular sex and didn’t have anyone, so, would I be interested. We kept it up for about a year, then we just sort of drifted apart. It was interesting because despite what we did share, I don’t think either of us had any desire for an actual relationship with the other, and I know that I didn’t develop an emotional bond with her. I think it was the same for her.
One, in the past, was when I still believed all the romance novels I’d read that told me as soon as I fell into bed with a guy he’d fall madly in love and marry me. I lived with him for about 2 years, the fuck buddy status lasted for about a year until he got into a monogamous relationship and I moved out. There was a LOT more to it than that, but I broke my heart over him and did a lot of growing up.
And otherwise, I currently have a fuck buddy. We watch movies and hang out as friends and have sex. Neither of us is that interested in a relationship (I’m open to the possibility but I find I like my singledom more often than I don’t) and… well, we’ll see if things lead to more but I’m happy as is so I won’t be broken like I was before.
It works better when you’re older, not so naive and know what you want IMO and E.
Starting when I was about 17, ending when I was about 22, I had a male friend that I had an arrangement with: when neither of us was involved with someone else, we’d have sex. Whenever one of us was in a relationship, it was strictly platonic and hands-off. The sex was good, the friendship was good, neither one of us wanted any more from it than that.
OTOH, when I was about 22, I started seeing another guy, and sex was the only thing either of us was interested in. For two years, we both told everyone we knew it was “only a fling”. When I was 24, I got pregnant, and wanted to keep the baby. He moved in with me so he could support me and bond with the baby. At that point, I’d have married him, but he had had a bad prior marriage, and was absolutely not interested in marriage, so I didn’t push the issue. Somewhere along the line, though, he changed his mind. This November, we’ll celebrate 19 years of marriage. So you see what a fling can lead to!
Yep, though I hate the term.
We’ve been friends for 15 years - sometimes we’re in other relationships and it’s just coffee, chats and movies.
Sometimes we’re both single and the sex is fantastic. The coffee, chats and movies are still great too.
We wouldn’t work as a couple, we both worked that out very early on.
We started out 8 hours drive apart. I moved to his city (for a job oppotunity) for 6 years. Had a child with someone else and now live 5+ hours drive away.
Nothing has materially changed between us.
We got into it as friends who sometimes have sex.
He still freaks out periodically, thinking I’ve got romantic feelings for him and must be about to cry or beg or something.
I really, really like him and all, but…
I have had a couple of fuck buddies but I don’t think of them as booty call arrangements. This may be because when I first heard the term “booty call” it meant quite literally a telephone call whose purpose was to get laid. So I could make a booty call to anybody I had hope of having sex with. It didn’t refer to the relationship, it referred to the phone call.
They were people whom I had sex with when it was convenient for both of us and who I genuinely liked, admired, enjoyed spending time with, and at least once even loved – but with whom there was no romantic connection or desire for a romatic relationship of any kind.
However, my own experience is that men are more often the ones who harbor secret romantic notions of turning what is a perfectly good fuck buddy arrangement into some kind of romantic entanglement. This may have more to do with me than with people in general.
Wow! And here I was worried I would get some scolding for my frivolous sexual desires.
I’ve noticed that IMing has now turned into calling me at night to just chat, so I’m still worried that she might be trying to turn this into something more “relationship-y”. Or maybe she’s trying to keep the seduction alive until we meet up at the end of September. Still, it’s good to know that a friend with benefits can happen, and it won’t necessarily end up with someone crying about unrequited love.
No, I did have one for a short time a few years ago but he kept saying things like “I love you” which really killed the whole fuck buddy paradigm. I hooked up with him again a couple of months ago (had I been sober I never would’ve done it) and he started right back in with the whole “I could really fall for you” nonsense.
Hell, I’ve never even been hit on by a woman, much less propositioned for an arrangement like this. If a girl asked me for this, I’d probably look at them like they grew a third eye, not because I wouldn’t possibly enjoy it, but just because it’s just so completely alien to my experience.
I guess my social circle is just sorta Puritan or something.
Think again Sunspace; I believe we are about of an age, and I’ve had plenty of them.
The distance would be a problem in an ongoing fuckbuddy deal for me, but there’s nothing wrong with a one-off casual sex encounter, if that’s what you both want.
On and off throughout life. I had an ex that I reconnected with on a f*ckbuddy basis. Any time she was driving through town she’d stop off for a bit of “how’ve you been?”
When I was working in summer theatre, it was a pretty common situation. We all knew that these jobs and friendships would only last three months, so there were plenty of f*ckbuddy setups around the company. Mmmm… good times.
Of course, the last f*ckbuddy I had turned into my wife. Sometimes you just come to realize how lucky you are and can’t let a good thing get away.
Yeah, that’s where I see it headed, since this sounds a lot like a situation a male friend of mine (who really is just a friend to ME ) went through. I bet she’s going to go all psycho chick on you if you sleep with her and still don’t want to date her. A lot of women out there think they can use sex to get love. Girls generally don’t go from having a crush on a guy to just wanting to bang him and forget him.
