Last summer I was taking a class and working at my university. This university holds summer classes for gifted children ages twelve to thirteen. I struck up an acquaintance with one of the guys teaching math in this program. We were attracted to each other, but knew there wasn’t much future in anything, as he was going back to his home state at the end of the summer semester. So we had a purely physical relationship, based on that and on the fact that we couldn’t discuss anything more meaningful than pop culture without getting into an argument.
We were clearly not friends, yet he referred to us as “friends with benefits.” The word friend, to me, is much more meaningful than that, and I referred to us as “fuckbuddies,” when I did refer to us. (I did have to answer a question from my roommates about who that guy was.)
So I have wondered…I know several Dopers have been in sitations something like that. Were you really friends with the person, before or after the physical relationship started?
I’ve had a few cases of friends with benefits type relationships, though I preferred the terms “fuckbuddy” except in polite conversation. Sometimes we were friends first, but not usually; they’d tend to start as internet hookups, and we both knew that the heart of the relationship was shared orgasms.
In two cases we were friends first. In one case we were friends primarily, even after the sex stopped.
My friends with benefits have been genuine friends. In most cases we were friends before we started sleeping together, and in all cases we remained friends after we stopped.
That said, there’s nothing **wrong ** with a fuckbuddy relationship, provided everyone is clear on the terms. I don’t see any reason to pretty it up.
In my experience, fuckbuddies rarely have parity in terms of emotional investment: one or the other is actually emotionally attached, while the other is either deliberately using them or oblivious to the issue.
I ran into that once, he didn’t tell me that he actually wanted more then sex out of the arrangement we had until after I got into a relationship and was letting him know we couldn’t be f-buds anymore.
It certainy happens. That’s why it’s necessary to be completely upfront about expectations. If one party has explicitly stated that they regard the relationship as purely physical (or at least non-romantic), they’re absolved of any responsibility for the other person’s hopes for a romantic relationship.
I know this, but of course emotions and sex are rarely that clean and neat, at least for this human and the other humans I know. It never stops me from feeling crushed when I’m the one participant, or guilty when I’m the other.
OneCentStamp, I should mention that my previous assertion doesn’t provide blanket permission for being an asshole. If one party is *clearly * overly invested, the other *should * end it. To purposely use someone who loves you is heinous.
However, that’s where the being upfront comes in. It applies to *both * parties. If the overly invested person is never honest about his feelings, and is sufficiently good at hiding them that the other person may genuinely not know, then he has only himself to blame for the result.
I have had one fuckbuddy. We were pretty good friends before, and only slept together a couple times here and there when we were out drinking. After we both began dating other people, we started to grow apart. I haven’t seen her since we both left college.
That’s a shame, because I could sure use some. I was the user quite a few times before I was ever the usee. These days, I have a little more perspective.
Fully agreed, and at least in my experience, I always knew it when the girl in question was more invested in me than I was in her. But to a horny guy in his twenties, the rationalization that if she didn’t say anything, I could later claim that “I never knew,” seemed good enough.
Mostly agreed, with the slight amendment that, in the failure of any kind of relationship, it’s extremely rare for the split of the blame to be more lopsided than 80-20. The only exception that comes to mind off the top of my head is a physically abusive marriage where the abusee received no warning of what he/she was getting into.
Thanks, folks. Now for another question. Was there a set time for the arrangement, or did you just say that it would end when it ended? I was very clear with the guy that this was only a summer thing and he agreed, but contacted me twice more when he was in town later to try to hook up again. He was very angry when I declined, and couldn’t seem to understand why I wouldn’t want to do it again when it had been such fun before.
In the few cases where this has actually worked for me with no apparent heartbreak on either end, it was always a (spoken, not implicit) agreement that it was until one of us started dating someone else. And by “dating,” I mean “sleeping with and emotionally attached.” I never had jealousy issues with being one of several fuckbuddies to a girl, but being “Plan B” to a girl who had a boyfriend would not have worked.
Well, let’s see. I’ve never had a set time; when I’ve had a fuckbuddy, it was with the agreement that it would end when either of us wanted to or started a real relationship with someone else.
Usually mine have ended amicably. The biggest exception–which involved my changing my phone number and all my locks–was with a girl who got extremely, extremely needy. I wasn’t so much that I wasn’t willing to give her emotional support; it was that she needed much more support than I or anybody could give. F’instance, she regularly broke into tears after sex but would never explain why, but got more and more inconsolable if I tried to leave–or get out of bed–or go to sleep–no matter how long she’d been crying. She didn’t get that we could have an emotional interaction without a sexual one–that is, she felt compelled to trade sex for intimacy, even if I was willing to have an non-sexual conversation, she believed she was obliged to be of, ahem, service, lest I lose interest.
I think I’ve only had one genuine “fuckbuddy.” We weren’t friends first, we had little in common, didn’t even like each other much, but had amazing chemistry. We spoke of no “arrangement” of any kind, but it just seemed fairly obvious what we were, and it basically lasted just long enough. I don’t even remember who stopped calling who.
The rest would be considered “friends with benefits,” in most cases being friends for years before the “benefits” occurred. It was unspoken but understood that the “benefits” only applied when we weren’t otherwise involved. Communication would go something like: “it would be great to see you, but I can’t stay over since I’m seeing someone.” That has always seemed to work out fine, without hurt feelings. (so far!)
BTW, in nearly all cases, the FwB and I lived in different states, so would only get together once in a while. If I were to live in the same town as the FwB, I think it would take more careful communication to distinguish between the FwB arrangement, and a genuine “dating” thing.
I’ve had two friends with benefits/fuck buddies, and both were actual friends before, and are still friends now. Actually, the second one went from friend, to fuck buddy, to girlfriend, to friend, to fuckbuddy, and now just a friend again.
I had one who was really a friend (years ago!). We really got along well and could talk about anything at all for hours, or just sit and read in the same room with little conversation. The sex was great. He just drank more than I was willing to tolerate from someone in a relationship - I knew there was no future for us, so didn’t see any point in becoming emotionally involved beyond friendship.
It never stops me from feeling crushed when I’m the one participant, or guilty when I’m the other.
I was the user quite a few times before I was ever the usee. These days, I have a little more perspective.