I’m curious as to how the whole “friends with benefits” works
Do you hang out as friends and also have sex occasionally?
If yes, how is that different than dating?
Is there kissing, or is that considered too “personal” for non-dating people to do?
How does one start being a “friend with benefits”?
Do you say to each other “Look, I want to fuck you several times a week but I don’t want to date you”?
Is this a new phenomenon, or has it been with us for decades?
You’re mostly right. The whole ‘Friends with benefits’ aka ‘Fuckbuddies’ is pretty much everything you’ve described, or at least it’s meant to be. Clinically speaking, it’s basically a non-exclusive arrangement (I wouldn’t call it a relationship in the accepted sense of the word) between two consenting and horny people who aren’t a dating couple per se, but can be frequently found in flagrante delicto.
Before the sniperfangess found me, I used to have a couple of friends with benefits. We’d occasionally hang out with friends, and more often than not these little rendezvous would end up hot and sweaty. It’s different from dating because the arrangements were non-exclsuive, we weren’t a couple - in fact it was pretty clandestine.
How does one find a friend with benefits?
Simple - mix several shots of tequila with a friend, 2 heaped cups of randiness, 1 dance floor, and 1 apartment. Stir, serve chilled.
In the real world, I think it’s often the case (in fact it’s quite likely to be) that one party wants more commitment than the other, but feels forced to compromise. This could lead to abusive situations - it needn’t, but it can.
Yes, there’s kissing, since, generally, neither party is a prostitute. Sheesh.
Usually a friends with benefits thing is an acknowlegement that there’s not future to the couple as a couple, and one or both parties is/are more or less actively looking for “the real thing” elsewhere, but, in the meantime, what the hell.
It’s very, very hard to sustain in the long term, but it can be done.
Yep.
Yep.
Somewhere along the lines of talking and getting to know a person, you both agree you’re compatible sexually, really really want to hit that, but you’re both mature enough to know you wouldn’t work out as a couple.
There’s nothing new under the sun.
What UrbanChic said.
Plus, it doesn’t hurt if you’re both in the same place mentally in that you’re not looking for that great big romance but are largely content with the personal part of your life as it is at the moment.
People need and want love, affection and intimacy on various levels. FwB provide all of these with a relatively low demand on one’s life outside this kind of arrangement.
It’s also a tremendous advantage if your FwB and you are incredibly physically attracted to one another and can really make the sparks fly.
But there ought always be a mutual tennet of respect and honesty with one another. Feelings can be hurt if a new person enters a scene and upsets the balance. Both people must keep in mind and be prepared for the real possibility of that.
Oh… and HELL YEAH there’s Kissing!!!
What I don’t understand is the following:
In what way is this different from dating the person? What makes this person a “friend with benefits” vs. a girlfriend/boyfriend ?
Don’t girlfriends/boyfriends do the same things as above?
Also, I’m curious as to the age of people who have had friends with benefits.
That is, has anyone here had friends with benefits in the 1950s,60s,70s,80s,90s?
I have the feeling that, even if this thing existed before, it was not until the 1990s that it became more acceptable and widespread.
The difference is, as I said above, that there’s no assumption of exclusivity, and no expectation that there’s going to be any kind of long-term relationship. The big difference is probably is that you meet each other’s family if you’re bf/gf, but don’t if you’re FwB.
I suspect – based on nothing in particular – that it’s more common in somewhat older people – it’s reasonably common in my peer group (people in their 40s and 50s), who have usually had enough sexual partners to be able to separate the physical and the emotional pretty cleanly. I’m sure someone will be around any second now to correct me on that.
As far as the historical perspective – probably more common now than it was 50 years ago, as a side-effect of the sexual revolution – it’s a lot more common for adults “of a certain age” to be unmarried than it was 50 years ago.
It’s fairly common in my peer group too, Twickster, although mine overlaps yours (late 30s and 40s.)
I’ve had a few, and have one now. Sometimes it just develops and sometimes you lay it all out with words to be sure that nobody’s reading too much into anything, as is the case with my current one. I’ve found that people I’ve formerly dated but weren’t really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way, but were great friends and physically good together have worked the best. I didn’t even have to date one to know we wouldn’t work together, but we had a great time as lovers anyway.
But it is really important that both parties are clear that that IS what sort of relationship it is. There’s too much potential for hurt feelings otherwise.
And yes, there’s kissing! But not really in front of other friends, because who knows, one of you could be scoping out an actual date with someone else.
I had FwB during the 80’s and 90’s. In all cases it was kind of an unspoken agreement that when we were together, we were basically like girlfriend/boyfriend- held hands, kissed, had sex, etc. Next day, we went our separate ways with a kiss, and there were no obligations, no required phone calls, no guilt. Also, no guaranteed date on the weekend, no certainty of safe sex (one or both were most likely sleeping with others, as well as each other), no assurance that we would necessarily be there for each other. They lasted as long as a couple years to a few months. The couple years one was nice- when either of us was in a relationship, we didn’t contact each other. In between relationships, the booty calls re-commenced.
This is all very informative, so thanks for all the replies.
But I have to ask, if you are “great friends” and “physically good together”, I thought those were the two requirements for a good bf/gf. How can there be someone who satisfies these two crtiteria but is not " really compatible with in a bf/gf sort of way"?
Polerius – I’m asking in a totally unsnarky way – but how old are you? Because I think the FwB thing is common, as I said, among people who have already gone through a number of relationships and have had a number of partners. After a while, you can tell if there’s a possible future or if it’s just no way – and you can also learn to appreciate someone who’s a “no way” for other things they have to offer.
There are many reasons. For me, I’m very fond of my FwB and we’ve known one another for almost two years and dated exclusively for much of that. However, we both agree that we are a bit too set in our ways and personal habits to be able to successfully come together and build a common household. We can’t even pick a bedspread we can both agree on. :smack:
But that’s just one issue of several mostly having to do with lifestyle choices and individual willingness to accept certain realities/responsibilities of their partner’s lives in a way that will directly impact one’s own life. (i.e. children)
Is there a formal agreement between the FWBs? Or does it just naturally evolve? Do they often continue even when one or both are in other relationships?
Someone is capably of monogamy and you are require that in a relationship.
Someone is very tidy and you are very untidy.
Someone is a mad party animal and you like to go to a party only once in a while.
Someone is a veggie and you love meat.
Someone doesn’t like to be away from home more than two days but you love to travel as much as possible.
Someone really wants children, the other person absolutely does not.
Etc etc.
Basically, lifestyle choices that you are perfectly happy to allow for in a friend but that would living together long term as a couple very difficult.
Bl**dy hell. Let’s try that again.
Someone is incapable of monogamy and you require that in a relationship.
Sorry.
Yes. It is negotiated in various ways. Though not often written down and notorized. 
Yes. As natural as any other kind of mutually beneficial relationship/friendship.
Depends on whether the other relationships are exclusive in nature.
Oh, there’re about a million reasons why someone is a great individual and hot but not long-term relationship potential.
Say they’ve got very different political or religious views than you do, wouldn’t work out for a Real Relationship, but you’ve surely got good friends with differing viewpoints right?
I had one FwB situation for nearly a year, fabulously hot physical relationship but not someone I’d ever bring home to meet the family. He was a dope-smoker, I’m not. I don’t care what any adult does in their own home, but I’m also not going to have A Relationship with a pothead. That’s the type of difference that means ‘not compatible for long-term’ to me, but doesn’t mean we didn’t get along and enjoy each other’s company.
Especially in the case of exes becoming FwBs, you’ve already figured out it doesn’t work between you but there’s still friendship and affection and if you’ve got nothing better going on, then there ya go. One person might be jealous, or spend too much time with the guys/girls, or be too whatever, people break up for zillions of reasons but that doesn’t necessarily mean the other person is Bad or Wrong, just not suitable for a long-term gig.
Inherent in the boyfriend/girlfriend title is the idea that it’s working toward permanency, that moving in together, marriage and kids are probable goals. FwBs enjoy the day to day behaviors of a boyfriend/girlfriend gig, without those expectations.
If it weren’t for the whole ugly JLo incident … 
Some people have way better memories than they oughta! 