Also known as fuckbuddies. Friends who you fuck. The idea being that you use each other to satisfy each other’s needs without any emotional attachment attached or the other things that come with a proper relationship. Chase and Cameron did it in House.
I was reading a piece about this phenomenon in the paper the other day. The gist of it was that it was a very bad idea, as one of the participants will eventually want more and you might as well have dispensed with the whole thing.
Anyone tried, trying or thought about trying this? On paper it sounds like every man’s dream - all the fun without the drama, but personally I’m inclined to agree with what I’ve read, I don’t think I ever could truly separate the physical and emotional.
In theory, I would like this. I am a sexual person who is not looking for commit at the moment.
In reality it probably is a horrible idea. We live in a world of stds. So, you could possibly end up with emotional and health drama.
Besides, if it works out between two straight people what do they do tell the kids? “Your dad and I really liked fucking each other and wanted nothing else to do with each other for a year. Nothing better came along. Then, I got knocked up. Best choice ever!”
This is one of the dumbest possible reasons to be opposed to the concept of a fuck-buddy. Why would you ever need to tell your kids, “Your dad and I were fuck-buddies before we really fell in love!” I mean, I certainly don’t feel the need to tell my kids, “Your dad and I met on the Internet because we found out we shared a particular sexual fetish in common!” That’s in the category of “things the kids really don’t need to know.”
OK, that said, I think fuck-buddies probably bring more complication than they’re worth, but that’s just conjecture on my part because I’ve never really had one.
I had a FWB for about a year or so way back in my early 20s and I’d say it was all good.
We’d run into each other at a party or an event and if we were both there without a date we might go home together. Other than that we didn’t hang out at all, no phone calls or dates or hanging out as friends. There was never any drama or hurt feelings on either side.
Eventually we both started dating other people and that was a nice way to end it. I haven’t seen him since but I hope he’s living a wonderful life.
It’s not too likely that both parties in a “fuck buddy” arrangement are going to maintain the same levels of emotional detachment necessary to make such relationships work.
I sort of had one. I was going through a hell of a dry spell a couple of years ago and a male friend came onto me in a big way, saying we could have a FWB arrangement if I wanted. We only ended up getting together once because of proximity issues, but neither of us felt anything beyond satisfaction. I don’t think it’s necessarily the case that sex has to have an emotional component.
That’s kinda my point. If you have to hide (or leave out parts) how you met, maybe the way you meet wasn’t that great. I’m too honest for that. Honestly, now a days you have to be careful. With facebook and what not, everyone will probably know how you really started out (in the FWB type thing) and one day it will get out. People gossip. Trust me, I’ve seen people tell other people’s kids fucked up things. So, I don’t think FWB is something you can 100% hide from anyone (kids, your parents, ect.)
I don’t like the term"friends with benefits" to describe a fuck buddy situation. (I chose “other” because of this). My friends are people I turn to for emotional support, and I value them highly in my life. Sometimes, even more than the boyfriend du jour. So I wouldn’t fuck a friend, and I wouldn’t call anyone I have a no-strings attached sexual relationship with a friend. If I fucked a friend on an ongoing basis, he might as well be a boyfriend.
But I do get that people who view friendships differently than I do use “friends with benefits” and “fuck buddy” interchangeably. The fuck buddy situations that have worked out before: I was very clear right from the start that I was looking to get laid, had no time for a relationship, and I’ll see him when I see him. Oh, and if I fucked other guys in the meantime, it was none of his business (because I always, always made the guy wear a condom). The first one worked out well until I moved a 30 minute drive away from him… we both got tired of making pre-arrangements for spontaneous sex. The second time worked until I started dating someone I could actually see myself in a relationship with.
The ones that didn’t work out: I made my intentions clear, and they either deluded themselves into thinking they wanted the same type of arrangement (but really didn’t), or they began having emotional attachments. I usually notice it when they start asking me to meet their friends (who were not their roommates), or started getting possessive about how I spent my time outside of seeing him. One time, I had a guy ask me to be his girlfriend, and when I said no, he started “seeing another girl”, to which I responded with “Cool, so when she wants to be monogamous, this arrangement should stop because I don’t like being the other woman.”
Casual sex works for me, because I know when I’m thinking “I want to get laid” and when I’m thinking “I want that warm fuzzy feeling of a relationship” and make it clear which one I want when I go out on dates. It doesn’t work though, if the person is thinking “I want a girlfriend, but will keep up the pretense of wanting something casual until she sees how great I am and falls for me.”
I have to disagree with a statement in the OP about “no emotional attachment”. I have had a FWB or two. We started out by dating casually, but soon realized that we didn’t have romantic feelings towards each other. We knew that eventually, one of us would meet someone special with whom we’d want to develop a romantic relationship, but until then, we were just “keeping company”. We were good friends and remained so during the relationship, but drifted apart (and had no more sex with each other) after each met someone else and it got serious. I sincerely was glad for each of them when they met that special someone and got married (and no, I did not attend the weddings! LOL)
I wouldn’t classify the person I had “benefits” with as a friend. He was pleasant enough and I might have considered dating him, but I just didn’t want the entanglement. He never mentioned it, so I assume he didn’t, either. He was nice to hang out with, nicer to have sex with and it didn’t last long. The only time I ever saw him was when we got together for sex. All in all, it was a decent experience - not spectacular, but certainly nothing I regret.
Never done it, it has a lot of potential to go wrong (and usually does where people I have known to try it are concerned). I don’t ‘need’ sex so why have it with someone I don’t actually want to date? And one of my rules of thumb is that I’m not friends with anyone who would want to have sex with me, or that I like in that way. I like perfectly platonic relationships.
I had a Friend With Benefits for almost a year. We’re still Friends, although I think the Benefits have stopped. She was getting confused, and at age 29 she’s looking to settle down and have kids Also, we’re now on opposite sides of the world.
It was great. We’re both really… driven, and we genuinely enjoy each other’s company, but neither of us could see it being a more long-term deal.
We even went to a friend’s wedding together as a couple, which worked out really well.
I tried that with my former boyfriend. It was good sexually (we always did have an awesome love life) but it was just too difficult to have feelings for him.