I think my relationship is about to go down in flames

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

TMI. Long. Consider yourself warned.

So I’ve been seeing my boyfriend (henceforth, BF) for seven months now. To make a long story short, he’s got an ex with whom he has a 4-year-old boy. He’s been financially supporting her for several months as she claims she’s unable to find a full-time job (I work six nights a week but she can’t find one that gives her more than 2 nights. Whatever). They switch off childcare. Sometimes this makes it difficult for me to see him, as he’ll keep the boy so she can have nights off (even though she only works 2 days a week, as I mentioned before) which really cuts into the time we can spend together. But still, as long as it’s helping the kid, I don’t mind working around his schedule.

His ex is originally from Europe, and she’s been talking about going back, possibly to England because she has family there. I told BF that if he’s worried about her running off to Europe with the kid, that he should take her to court and stop her from leaving. He’s evasive about that. For some reason he doesn’t want to do it.

I would also like to state for the record that at no time did we agree that our relationship was casual or short-term. I made it clear that I am only interested in committed relationships. I have been totally loyal to him.

So last night, he tells me that if the ex decides to take the kid and go to England, that he will probably follow her.

I did not take this well. I told him, “You’re not a citizen. You don’t have a legal right to live or work there. You won’t be able to get a job. What’s gonna happen is, you’ll go to England, spend 2 or 3 months and all your money trying to get a job and an apartment, you’ll get caught, and be deported back here with nothing. Nothing.”

BF gets angry and says for me to drop it. I replied and said that no, this was a long time coming. I suppose some of this is my fault; I knew, deep down inside, that sooner or later the issue with the ex was gonna come up. I don’t mind making sacrifices for the kid. But I’m not going to partner myself to someone who when his ex says “Jump”, he replies, “How high?”

In the interest of fairness, I’ll quote our texts exactly as I have them logged. Keep in mind these are texts so the grammar and such is somewhat truncated.

I would just like to point out that here he’s lecturing me about what it takes to make a long-term relationship work. Apparently, he knows all about that. I mean, he’ll ditch me and his friends and and his job and his entire life and run off to a foreign country with no visa and no job offer, but he’s got what it takes to make a commitment work.

Yeah, what a bitch I am, bringing up the part where he’s considering ditching me to follow his ex to the other side of the world! Man, I am an irrational and emotional woman, ain’t I.

So, after this, I was absolutely heartbroken. I calmed down for a couple of hours, then called a couple of my Dude Friends TM because sometimes they can see what’s obviously there but I’m just not admitting to myself.

My first Dude Friend, B, listened to about 2 minutes of the story and said, “I don’t need to hear anymore. He’s not serious about you. That’s it. If my ex-wife was trying to take our son to England, I’d tell her, Meet me in court, bitch. If he’s even considering following her, he’s an idiot. If you wanna stay in it for the sex, go for it, but don’t think he’s gonna be serious about you.”

My friend S, who is about 70 years old and much more experienced than I, talked to me for 45 minutes about it. I cried a little and felt better. He told me I should tell the BF that he either needs to be serious about me or let me go so I can find someone else.

Then I talked to my other Dude Friend, K. K patiently listened to me ramble and said, “That’s a pretty big ‘Fuck You’ from him to you!” His perspective was similar to B’s.

I was really upset last night but I’ve calmed down a lot today. I’m sad. I’ve got a little lump in my throat. But I can’t see committing myself to someone who would uproot his whole life and leave me behind because his ex decides to fuck off back to Europe. What kind of life is that? I’ll work with my partner and I’ll work around a child, but I’m not going to be a puppet to a third person. Hell, if there’s a third person in this relationship I’d better be having sex with them too! Otherwise, I don’t want any part of it. Even if she doesn’t leave now, is the ex gonna start making noises about running off with the kid every time she wants more money? I can’t live with that drama every 6 months.

I’m not even sure if I want to ask him if he’s serious about me, as S counseled. I’m pretty sure that he’s not. I think BF cares about me, but it’s kinda obvious that I’m not that important in his life, plus he’s stupid enough to just blithely tell me that he’s possibly going to run off to another country and then act offended when I get upset. You can’t fix stupid. And that’s stupid.

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, thank you. I guess a big part is that I needed to get this off my chest. It’s disappointing to see the probable end of something you really enjoyed.

I’m supposed to see BF on Friday. I’m going to tell him I want out. Unless he has some amazing apology worked out and a plan to take appropriate action to keep the ex from running off with their kid, it’s over.

2

I’m very sorry but I think the first thing you spoke to was right. Not over the child custody and what his response should have been but from the way your boyfriend spoke to you. I winced at the contempt dripping from his words to you. “Not sure I can respect you”? “disgusted”? and then saying his shitty beahviour are all your own fault for not doing what he told you to do ie shutting up? And that bit at the end where he gets angry at you for being upset because it’s ruined his evening? Urrgh.
I really don’t think there’s much coming back from that. I’m really sorry. :frowning:

3

I’m really sorry you’re going through this and that it looks like you have wasted seven months. You are right to let him go. His attitude is telling me that he’s just not that into you (sorry for the cliche.) The way he spoke to you is unforgivable, such as “disgusted.”

4

Gah sorry, that should be the first FRIEND you spoke to :smack: I didn’t mean to call your friend a thing!

5

I think you’re making the right decision. He isn’t trying to involve you in making his decisions and he doesn’t seem to feel any obligation or even loving concern for you. Even though he loves his kid, he’s really all about himself. He’s gonna do what he wants to do and he doesn’t want you giving him any shit about it. And then to make matters worse, he calls you names and insults your emotional stability in order to get you to back off and let him do what he wants to do. It’s condescending and manipulative and not in the least bit fair.

In just about every relationship I’ve known of that goes the distance, each of the couple are the other’s best friend. They take each other into account when making decisions, and for each person the other person’s happiness is as important as their own. They have respect for each other, and though they may not always agree or approve of what the other person does, each knows that the other will have their back no matter what. Unfortunately, none of these qualities appear to exist in the relationship you have with this guy now.

Based upon what you’ve said about what you’re looking for in a relationship, I can’t see how you can ever be happy with this guy no matter how much you care for him right now. It’s very hard to break up with someone you really care about and it’s easy to find yourself looking on the bright side and hoping things will change, but this guy obviously doesn’t care for you or respect you much, and he has no qualms at all about bullying you verbally. As hard as it may be, you’re much better off losing someone you care about now if you feel like the relationship most likely won’t go the distance than you would be to hang on as long as you can only to lose him further down the road when you have more to lose both emotionally and in terms of whatever life you’ve built around him in the meantime.

6

Unless the texts we don’t see are different, your boyfriend sounds like a manipulative, deflective asshole who’s trying to shift the blame on to you because he can’t handle the guilt.

What the hell are you doing with him?

How could you possibly win this? Even if he drops the idea completely, he’s made it clear that you’re a second-tier priority and not even worthy of a little respect. You sound like you’re being used and trying to plead your way back into the life of a man who cares little for you. Eh, you can probably do better than that.

7

You’re probably right that this relationship is not for you. But I got a slightly different take on the series of long messages. I kind of felt you were unable to let it go when he repeatedly asked you to drop it “for now”. Boy From Mars can get his back up about things sometimes and I have learned that giving him a bit of space can give him time to reflect and we end up getting to agreement quicker than if I tried to force him to deal with the situation on my time. Just a thought.

Secondly, have you considered that he’s not following his ex, but his son? From what you’ve said he is quite a dedicated father and it could be that he’s inclined to do what he can to keep a strong relationship with him (which is admirable) and hasn’t quite got to that level of commitment with a girl he’s only been dating for 7 months?

Anyway, think your mind is made up and he sounds pretty pissed off with you but just offering another point of view.

8

You had that conversation by text? At what point do you pick up the phone and actually talk to each other? Its sounds like a conversation where tone and expression could have been misinterpreted on both sides, leading in an escalation to accusations of threats and insults. Please tell me you actually spoke to him?

That aside, going by the words as reported, he seems a bit of an asshole. Nothing in those words shows he is thinking of you at all, beyond the fact he seems to think you are hassling him. Thats either an alarming lack of persepctive on his part, or he simply doesnt give a toss.

9

Totally agree with this. Obviously I can only go on what you posted, but he didn’t make one attempt to explain anything to you, consider your opinion or discuss things in an adult manner. He’s a coward and the way he spoke to you was extremely defensive and insulting.

It is entirely unfair and selfish for him to expect you to hang around while he decides what to do with his life. For your own sanity and self respect don’t let him keep you dangling. If he’s normally a nice, rational person who treats you with love and respect, then in your position I would say “I understand you have a serious dilemma and need to put your child first, but understand that it is extremely unfair of you to keep me standing on the sidelines waiting on your decision. We should end this relationship now so that I can get on with my life. If you ultimately decide to stay and want to fully commit to me, then come back to me when you’re ready and we’ll see if there’s something worth saving. Until then, I’m afraid it’s better to say goodbye”.

If, however, this behaviour is normal, then dump his worthless ass without a backward glance. You deserve better.

10

+1

It’s good that he wants to make sure he doesn’t lose his son by his ex taking him overseas, but for him to attack your emotions when you’re (understandably) upset about his possibly just upping sticks and pissing off is a dick move.

11

My WAG about why he isn’t going to court - either he’s behind on support and knows his ex could rake him over the coals if he pisses her off, or he’s passive-aggressive and wants to look like “the good guy.” If he took her to court, the ex could cry to her friends, family, and their kid about how he’s so mean and is forcing her to stay in the US.

I just thought about another reason: he’s still fucking his ex and they’re thinking about moving there together, but he doesn’t want to dump you just yet. It might be that he’s being passive-aggressive and doesn’t want to actually do the dumping, so he’s trying to piss you off into doing it so that you’re the “bad guy” here.

I agree with a previous poster who thought maybe this could have gone a bit better if it was spoken rather than texted, but not a whole lot, perhaps.

12

I think we’re being too hard on BF. He’s prioritising his child over the OP, and he has done so for some time. Mississippienne has actively acceded to that in the past. And how would you feel if your child were thousands of miles away, even if it were in their own best interest?

13

As commendable as that attitude is, he’s being an idiot about actually doing it successfully. He can’t legally work in England, so unless he’s doing the (I’m assuming it exists) UK equivalent of marrying for a green card and re-marries his ex, he’s screwing things up in a big way. Besides that, he won’t even talk about why he doesn’t try to keep her and the kid here, so the one option that’s easier to pull off is being handwaved away by him.

14

Sounds like classic conflict avoidance to me.

He doesn’t want conflict, so he won’t take the ex to court. Too much of a hassle. He knows it’s probably the right thing to do, but he doesn’t want to do it. He’d rather uproot everything he knows and go live in another country. That’s how much he hates conflict.

So when you say, “Take X to court” he is doubly annoyed because he know you’re right, but he really doesn’t want to do it, and also you’re causing conflict about something he’s avoiding because of the conflict.

So in an effort to make you shut up and go away, he’s calling you names, telling you that you disgust him, that you’re emotional, blah blah. Completely clear that he just doesn’t want to deal with you, or the original issue. See: “Hopefully I will forget this ever happened and things will go back to normal” and “There’s no point in thinking of it now.” Classic ostrich head in hole, here.

He’s trying to choose the path of least resistance.

That doesn’t excuse his harsh language and utter disregard of your feelings on this issue. But it might make it more understandable.

Only you can decide whether you can put up with all of this - because I bet you he avoids conflict in any other area of his life as well, and if he’s already showing contempt for your opinion and feelings, that’s probably not going to get better. But this is an entirely dealable issue, if you have patience and understanding.

15

Also, look at what you’re doing: “Well why don’t you just marry [the ex] and live in a cold sexless marriage for the rest of your life for the sake of your child.”

I’m not saying you deserve to be called an asshole over this, but this is not friendly language here. It’s hostile, and definitely asking for an argument. Definitely take your own faults into account the next time you talk to him.

16

The way I see it:
the ex said she’s going to move to England with their son.

If my ex did that, I would freak out, too.
Of course he doesn’t know what he wants to do. He probably hasn’t had time to really think it through- it’s not even a reality yet!

Maybe he just wants what’s best for the son- and going the court route may not be it at this time.

Nevertheless, I don’t see this relationship working out. His first priority will more than likely never be you. It will be his son. The ex will always be in your life, you will always have arguments.
Ask yourself if this is what you want for your future. Imagine having children with him.

It seems to me your arguing as shown in the text will be repeated for the rest of your life.

17

The first thing that bothered me is you airing all of your dirty laundry, not just here, but to all of your guy friends and just making a whole scene out of it. I would be extremely uncomfortable, and pissed off, if you posted all of my angry texts on a public forum. And if you do make it up with him, all of your friends,

Secondly, he’s following his son. He doesn’t have a right to tell you to wait, and you don’t have to wait for him, but he’s putting his son as his priority. Maybe he’s doing it in a stupid way, but I can see why he doesn’t want to take her to court, actually - maybe he’s thinking, why drag the kid through all that?

Thirdly, text? Both of you are avoiding the real conflict. Yes, a phone should have been picked up.

You did act juvenile and childish. “Well why don’t you just marry [the ex] and live in a cold sexless marriage for the rest of your life for the sake of your child. You won’t be the first.” That is just…well, I would have reacted the same way as him, and there would be no civil conversation after that. This is not the right thing to say in a fight…all it does it get the other person’s back up.

BUT, that doesn’t mean you have to play second fiddle to his son forever, either. Understand that a man with a kid already has a priority, as it should be, and you are not it, and that’s not personal towards you. That’s right. It doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be someone’s priority. Just not his.

18

The way I see it yOu should have just dropped it when he said drop it. Tell him if he’s moving to England, well good luck but you and me is over. I mean did you really think you were gonna change his mind right then and there or did you just feel like arguing about it?

19

It seems like you are very insecure about his relationship with his ex, and it came out in your argument crystal clear.

“Well why don’t you just marry [the ex] and live in a cold sexless marriage for the rest of your life for the sake of your child. You won’t be the first.”

You were upset and we understand that, but being upset is no excuse for coming out with bitchy claws like this. It set the tone for the rest of the exchange. If I were your BF, I’d have a hard time not reacting to this is in a negative way too.

Like others, I don’t understand why yall had this conversation by text. If I recall correctly, the conflict you had with your last BF involved texting as well. I don’t think this argument would have happened if you had actually talked to each other. Sounds like yall were texting past each other a lot.

20

I would dump his sorry ass just based on the way he talks to you. That is unacceptable. I don’t care what the situation is, what he does or what he plans to do, even if the ex was out of the picture you should not be with someone who treats you like that.