I think my relationship is about to go down in flames

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

Add me to the “what’s the deal with texing?” club.

Mississipienne,

If you had just posted the first part, about how he’s financially supporting the ex and taking the son so she can have nights free (damned inconsiderate of the lil’ nipper, cutting into her social life like that) and apparently not caring whether or not it inconvenienced you…

Yeah, the warning bells would have been going off in my head like a church steeple on Sunday morning.

The hints that he considers his ex and son more important than you have been there from the get-go. Whether or not the ex goes home to England or stays in the USA, you’ll always be second banana to them. It’s all very nice and noble to say “I want my partner to get along with his family and I’ll work with him,” but if HE’S not willing to work with YOU the same way, you’re only going to get hurt in the long run.

It sucks that you got such a smack from the clue hammer out of the blue like this, and breaking up will suck big time, but please stick to your decision to end it, whether he comes up with a world-class epic apology or not. Because unless the ex somehow wins total financial freedom and a full-time nanny for the kid, the pattern that’s in place isn’t going to change.

22

There’s a lot that I agree with so far that other posters have said, so if I repeat any points, think of 'em more as confirmation of others. And since he’s not a poster on here, I’ll be going into more of the errors of the OP.

  1. You’re BOTH to blame for how that conversation went down. It was ugly on both sides. you with the face hit the nail on the head about the passive aggressive tone in the “why don’t you just marry [the ex]” That would piss me off too as it’s a threat/ultimatum/snarkiness and only is set up to fish for him to either confirm his feelings for you or fuel your insecurity.

  2. You’re dating someone with a child. The de facto is you will always be second fiddle to that kid. If you can’t handle being number 2, move on. That’s not to say that you’re not a priority and you’ll still need to be treated as such, but the kid should always come first.

  3. You were poking the bear. “Drop it” to me would mean “drop it”. There’s a reason he got nasty. It doesn’t excuse it but it explains that if you keep pushing a topic he’s not ready to topic about, he’s gonna bite you.

  4. The texts were not a place to hold conversations about serious topics, they should be more for “meet ya at the restaurant at 6?” or “miss ya, have a great day!”.

  5. We’re missing more of the conversation (at least I hope we are), but where is the sympathy/empathy on your part? I wish I would’ve seen a text that says something to the effect of “I understand that you are sad about your son might be moving to Europe, is there anything I can do to help?” Unfortunately, your texts all were how those changes would be affecting you and not him.

  6. " You’re hurting me too. And I’m supposed to just take it." No. You’re not supposed to take it, but you also shouldn’t be dishing it out to make it “fair”.

  7. You’ve only been dating 7 months. Slow down.

23

You’re clearly resentful of his ex and the time and effort your boyfriend puts into his relationship with her, even though what he’s doing is for the sake of his relationship with his child.

He clearly doesn’t want your input on how to maintain his relationship with his child, but you keep giving it.

He tells you to drop it, you don’t.

He’s being passive, but you’re being aggressive. This is a seventh month dating relationship versus his parenthood. You’re not going to win, and you’re surely not going to do it by being nasty, but that’s the way you chose to go.

End the relationship now. And in future, don’t date men with children.

24

I agree with everything stpauler said, especially the bit about understanding that he’s going to have to prioritize his child over a girlfriend of a few months. Next time, date somebody that doesn’t already have a family.

25

I got two kids from my previous marriage..and they are number one in my life. I do however let the pretty scientist know that she’s important to me and when we have our time together i make her the focus. He’s being passive aggressive and won’t throw down the gauntlet with the ex (If she is even an ex).
I’ve been their.. felt guilty about being a absent dad.. and the marriage not working out.. But their comes a point where you have to dig your heels in and tell your ex she needs to make a decision. If she goes back the the Mother Land then you need to make arrangements as to when you can see your kid. You cannot continue to live in limbo forever and expect any worthwhile woman to hang with that..

26

I wouldn’t bet that he wouldn’t be able to live/work legally in the UK. I believe he could even do it without actually getting married, if he can show that he has a partner who is a UK citizen.

27

Hmm. Legally they’re divorced, so I wonder if that wouldn’t throw a wrench in a “but we’re unmarried partners, really” claim. If not, he’d still have to claim a current relationship with his ex in order to get a job there.

At any rate, to sum up my impressions and what other posters have said:

  • This guy’s priority is his kid, and it should be that way.
  • Both of you were being rude to each other. Texting out a conversation like this probably didn’t help matters. If you think he’s hurting you, don’t go on the offensive with hurtful things as it just makes the situation worse.
  • He may hate conflict and all of his actions (avoiding court, thinking about moving, brushing your concerns off) may be centered around that. Alternately, he might be thinking about getting back with her. Neither of these cases bode well for your future with him.
  • To get work over there, he needs to claim to be or actually be in a relationship with her. Again, this doesn’t bode well.
28

I agree that his words were harsh and that you seem not very understanding of him being in shock at the thought of losing access his child. I think he could have used a lot of space to get used to that idea, it probably felt like he was getting his heart ripped out.

The other thing that bothers me is that you say he knows you’re not interested in a casual relationship but you’ve only dated him for 7 months. At what point did you decide that you’re dating him is not casual? Often I see people making the mistake of deciding on a first or second date that they’re in a serious relationship now, and then they try to fit that person into being the one they want even if there are no signs that it’s ever going to work. Seven months is often not enough time to know if you want to be “serious”. Casual dating should be the start of getting to serious. How do you tell if you like someone enough to be serious without being casual first.

I apologize if I misread that but it reads like you jumped into serious too soon with someone who has never given an indication that he wants to be serious back. You’re going to miss out on knowing a lot of good people and possibly a person you would be happy with forever if you demand that everyone commit to serious just to date you.

29

Just want to repeat these two. When you date someone with a kid it is sometimes hard to believe that you are playing second fiddle, especially during the early dating, but that is the case. You will never, ever be number one with that person. Either learn to live with that or move on.

The first 7 months of dating is the easy, fun part. You have a lifetime of hurdles to go over if you want a committed relationship. 10 years from now this guy’s ex will still be able to jerk him around, intentionally or not, unless he completely cuts the kid out of his life. I doubt anyone would advocate that.

30

If, during 7 months, the two of you, never once, spoke of, or considered that this person’s divorced spouse might take the child and return to the homeland, and what would happen then? Then I think you haven’t had your eyes open, in my opinion.

Also, I don’t see where anyone suggested you should wait. You would seem to be perfectly free to do as you wish. Take it, or leave it. He has been up front enough to give you the heads up that this possibility exists. I can respect that. This is, no doubt an extremely hairy and challenging thing for him to decide what action he should take. He knows better than you can, if this is a big maybe or, possible, but unlikely. He still has to struggle with it, either way. I would not be surprised that he isn’t fully sure what he’d do, until it came right down to it.

This relationship is not leading where you thought it was, that much is now clear. You have to decide to get over it and move on, I think.

Would you be happier to ignore the obvious and pour more of your time into it, for the same bitter ending repeated months from now? I don’t think so. This is a deal breaker for you, pretty clearly. So lick your wounds for awhile and pick yourself up and move forward, small steps.

Own your part in it, this conversation should have been dropped when it was requested. This topic should have been discussed in person, much earlier that 7 months. Sometimes it takes time to see who someone really is, maybe next time don’t get so invested so quickly.

Good luck to you, I know it’s painful right now, but time will heal this wound, I know someone, way more amazing, is out there waiting for you to come along!!

31

Mississippienne, your BF is not being honest to blame you in any way. I don’t see how “I am going to live in an another country for an indeterminate time because of my obligation to another woman” can be anything other than code for “We’re breaking up.”

32

I am reminded of the thread currently running in IMHO: Why do people stay in non-perfect relationships?

I don’t think “non-perfect” was a good word to use, since perfection is an unattainable ideal, but … it sounds like your relationship was definitely “non-perfect” in any sense of the word, even before the incident described in the OP. Mississippienne, relationships can be so much better than this, and, hopefully, you will go on to have one that lets you see this for yourself.

33

What stpauler said. Go read that post again.

34

This is not the man or the relationship for you. His kid and his ex come first, he’ll always need to pay for his kid and it looks like he volunteers to pay for his ex, he talks to you with contempt - you can do better. I second not dating guys with kids (and exes that are still baggage in their lives). Serious relationships do take work, but they shouldn’t be this hard.

35

I think the “about to go” in your OP title is misleading. Your relationship is in flames and it’s time to head for the fire escape.

36

Keep this in mind when dating someone who has children of any age; you will always come third at best. Be satisfied w/ this going in and there’ll be no miscommunication about it. But if you believe it when your SO tells you you’re number one you’ll be hurt to pieces when life shows you that’s not true, no matter how much your SO believes the words coming out of their mouth.
Even if (or especially if) they hate the parent of their child, what matters most to you will come in behind the parent and/or the child. Where you live, how you spend money YOU earn - all that will be predicated on the actions of the other parent. If you don’t want that and think you can love someone enough to work around it you’re setting yourself up for heartbreak.
Take the bronze here and smile within and without about it or move on.

37

I have to say that I would move anywhere and drop anyone to be near Celtling if she was taken away from me. If you don’t respect his will to be part of his child’s life then you should bow out.

But I can also say I would never communicate it in that way, nor would I discount the pain I was causing someone who cared about me and had invested time and emotion in a relationship with me. He calls you some pretty mean things in there, and it all seems like projection to me.

Questions to ask yourself:

Does he ever flat out admit that he’s in the wrong?
Does he apologize easily?
Do you feel like a tool he uses to get what he wants?
Do you feel like you are put on the shelf whenever your presence is inconvenient to him?
Does he charm you back into his bed whenever you try to free yourself?

You also come across as pretty darn selfish in this scenario. You don’t respect his need to talk about it later. You stay away when he’s with the child, but you clearly resent it. His primary priority is his child. If that doesn’t make you* love him more* then you’re with the wrong guy.

38

Yes, his son will be and should be his number one priority. I’ve been in your position, and understood that, and when I married, the child became my number one priority too. But I wouldn’t have started down that road if I realized I had no priority in my partner’s life. When we became a family, we all considered the needs of each of us.

Your BF made it clear that, for whatever reason, he’s giving all priority to his son, without any thought as to whether his actions make sense for his relationship with the son, while having no concerns regarding his relationship with you.

I’m sorry you wasted your time on this guy. But I would not necessarily advise avoiding future relationships with men with children. I love my partner and my child very much, but if I’d had this happen to me at the start, I’d have ended the relationship too.

39

Well, regardless of who acted like a bigger ass in this whole exchange (and really, there’s a whole lot of assyness to go around) I think this relationship is over.

He has told you that he is prioritizing time and location with his son over time and location with you. I can’t really fault him for that - he did make the kid and Junior deserves to have a dad he can actually spend time with.

If you don’t want to play second fiddle to his son, and you want someone who will drop everything to be with you, don’t date people with children.

It doesn’t sound like there’s much of a relationship to salvage here - sorry. I would skip any sort of reconciliation and go directly to Hagen Das until such time as a fella who’s emotionally, physically etc. available for you comes along.

40

For me, that ends the relationship. Walk away, don’t look back.

I don’t blame him for wanting to stay close to his son, or even not considering your feelings about it. He should, however, be able to see your point of view and be civil about it. Something like “I’m sorry, I know this sucks. We’ve been having a nice relationship, but I can’t be that far from my son. Let’s talk about how to handle this”