I think my relationship is about to go down in flames

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Anaamika: I did consider how personal this was before posting here. Then I thought about some of the other breakup/divorce threads going on, and how incredibly TMI and private some of those are, and in comparison to many of those, I think what I posted doesn’t even rank. As for my friends, they are willing to support me and I support them in return, and what I share with them is really our concern.

To diverse posters, as far as him prioritizing the child: It’s really not so much the child, as the ex that gets me. If, in a hypothetical situation, the kid was sick and the best medical care available was abroad, and BF would have to leave and go with him for an indeterminate period of time, I would cry and be sad, but I would support him in going. But I think it’s quite another thing to let your flighty ex fuck off to a foreign country with the kid without even making an attempt to stop her, and then planning to leave everything and follow after her.

But yes, you’re right. If I had known how hard dating someone with a child would be, I would never have done it. I remember seeing a single dad Doper lamenting in the Online Dating Thread that women never respond to his profile if he includes mention of his child, and I felt really bad for him and thought that was unfair. Knowing what I know now, I would stay away, too.

I would also like to clarify that the ex is threatening to move to England THIS SUMMER. Even if she doesn’t go, and I think it’s entirely possible she won’t, she might start making noises about it again in 6 months, then a year, every other month… I can’t handle that.

A couple of months ago, when the ex started talking about moving back to Europe (at first to Poland) I suggested to my ex that we could take jobs teaching English in Russia or Ukraine, and perhaps he could visit his child every other weekend or something in Poland. So before anyone accuses me of being completely unwilling to work with him or being a harridan bitch, I just want it known that I was willing to go to Europe with him so he could be closer to the kid. BF shot that idea down. I think I know exactly how important I am to him.

TruCelt, one quick point, you said, “You don’t respect his need to talk about it later” – but the thing is, he doesn’t want to talk about it EVER. I understand the child comes first, but I don’t even deserve a respectful and honest discussion about his plans?

I would also like to say, that BF works for the MTA (NYC transportation) and he has an good job, one that requires a HS degree but pays really well, gives great benefits, and basically he’s set for life. That he would dump that job, me, all his friends, his cats, his entire life so he can chase after his ex and kid, without even having made or seriously considered any alternative and appropriate measures to keep them in the country, is absurd to me. He is not educated and he is not qualified for much beyond what he’s doing, so I can’t see what kind of job he expects to get in England, when he’s going to be competing against citizens (who will get first priority) for the same jobs.

42

Wow. As others said, why on earth was this done over text message?

Secondly, he wasn’t ready to talk about this but would not drop it for the time being.

He acted like an ass too, but his kid should be a priority over a relationship that is less than a year old…

43

Add me to the ‘you were texting about this?!’ camp.

The part above is what started the whole discussion, and it doesn’t have enough definition. Is he following her to get his son back? For how long and for what reason? Did he say it out of bravado or for some other reason? How serious is he about it?

I got the feeling that he doesn’t have those questions answered for himself, so your conclusions about it are a little premature and that’s why he was getting upset.

Then you posted the rest of the fight, after both of you were mad. Neither of you made a great showing there.

That all said, you seem pretty determined to get validation for leaving since you casted the whole thing so people would agree that it was the right thing to do. And then you told it to a few people on the phone and posted it here.

Sorry to hear that you’ve decided to end your relationship. I’m sure you know more about it than can be summarized here.

ETA: A little more clarity about the BF’s intentions about England in the OP’s post while I was posting this, but still very vague, so I’ll leave this.

44

His kid will always come first. If this thread were from his point of view, people would be giving him legal advice about keeping his kid, but also telling him he’s got to prioritize his son over his 7-month relationship.

But on top of that, from those text, it seems you’ve got a bigger problem: Any reaction other than his own will always be irrational. If this is a pattern, it’s only going to get worse. If he doesn’t want to talk about this, he’s not going to do too well with other Big Life Decisions.

45

you with the face: The breakup with the other ex did involve texting, but not in this way. He had texted a nasty message to his boss (!!!) and then tried to blame it on me (!!!). I was not involved in any way.

46

How long have you given him? From your OP it sounds like this all went down last night. He mentioned what he might do and you immediately went into “me me me” mode. That put a lot of pressure on him. He wanted some space to think things over and you kept harping. His language to try to get you to stop was unforgivably insulting though.

And telling him to take her to court sounds an awful lot like “Don’t let that bitch pussy whip you, that’s my job.”

The guy needs a little breathing room. Pressuring him isn’t going to be good for either of you.

47

He was worried about his son and, instead of being supportive, you made it all about yourself. I’m not surprised he was upset. Yes, he acted like an arsehole, but so did you.

48

tdn: As I mentioned in my other post, this did not come out of the blue, the ex has been threatening this for a few months. I tried to talk about it before and even suggested we could go to Russia or Ukraine (as she was talking about Poland at that time) and work there for awhile so he could see the kid from time to time. He shot down that idea, and won’t discuss things with me.

If BF had come to me and said, “Things are in a shambles right now and I’m not sure I’m going to be staying in the city/state/country. I’m telling you now so you can decide if you want out of this relationship,” yes, I would be sad, but it would’ve been more respectful and thoughtful than what I got.

49

OK, I kind of missed that part. But I think that the situation became a lot more real for him last night. That was the wrong time to make it all about you.

50

You said what I was thinking far better than I could’ve.

I really think that the OP’s boyfriend was concerned about his son. And I think that the biggest mistake you can make in an argument (and I do this frequently, but am lucky enough to have a husband who will calmly tell me I’m doing it) is to make it about you.

First of all, it amazes me that the whole conversation was had via text. It’s really difficult to argue with someone via electronic media when you can’t see their face, can’t hear their tone of voice and/or inflection or some combination. When you have arguments via e-mail and text, the person on the other end is going to read into any communication the absolute worst. They just will. And when you respond to the absolute worst, you’re not going to be nice. So it exacerbates the problem.

Second, I’m guessing your boyfriend is afraid. It doesn’t sound like he wants to move to England. But, because he loves his son and wants to continue to maintain a relationship with him, he will. That’s what parents do. Yes, he should pursue a court order to prevent his ex from taking their son to England. But my guess is that he was possibly side-swiped by her telling him she might take his son out of the country. He might even be panicking a little. Perhaps he told you in a bid for support or sympathy. I can understand why you would get extremely upset about the issue, but it probably would’ve been a good idea to calm down a little before pursuing an argument.

That said, your boyfriend was being an asshole. Just consider, though, that if this does happen, he’s not leaving you for his ex. He’s leaving you for his son. This isn’t about you, it’s about his obligations as a parent.

51

Does your SO know how much you share about him? Is he OK with it? I don’t know, maybe he is, or maybe you don’t care and feel like it’s your right to post things. I don’t mean that judgementally, I’d just be pissed as hell if I knew my SO posted my exact words to try to make me look as bad as possible, and it would cause a worse fight. But it’s moot; it’s posted now.

But this is where I am lost:

We weren’t there, so we didn’t know how this was said. Did it go down like this:

  1. SO casually mentions if the ex goes to England with the kid, he will probably follow her. You flip out without ascertaining if he’s serious or if there’s any other depth to it or maybe it’s just a joke.
  2. SO mentions if the ex goes to England with the kid, he will probably follow her. But it really sounds serious and it’s done without any prior discussion with the other partner. You are angry this has been decided without even talking to you.
  3. SO mentions the above. After a long discussion which goes nowhere the SO backs up more and more, saying he is definitely going.

I mean, you have problems with his ex to start with, it’s obvious. And there’s no reason why seven months is “wasted”. I know it sounds trite, but better to have found out you are not well-matched now than after a kid with him.

You keep calling it “threatening”, too. Why is it threatening? I mean, what is he saying? “Be good to me or I’ll move to Europe”. No, he is saying that he is going to be with his kid…you are making it more personal than warranted.

You are second fiddle to his son. You don’t have to be. Break up with him. Let him go. Tell him to go after his son. Try to be the mature one, tell him you understand. Why? Not for anything with him, so you can look back at yourself and see you took the high ground. Because this relationship is pretty much over, methinks.

You need to calmly tell him your feelings. The comment about his cold, sexless marriage would get anybody’s back up. Like, “I’m sorry I sniped at you, but it really feels like you are leaving me for your ex. I want to be with you.”

And if he won’t talk about it, like Cat Fight says, he ain’t worth it. Some things need to be discussed. But maybe he’s just afraid you’re going to swipe at him again. Humans are not rational.

Here’s the last thing I am going to say. He is going to do what is best for his son, I hope. That’s his job. But YOU do not have children, and it is not your child, so it is up to you to do what is best for YOU - keeping in mind you will not change him. So if breaking up is good for you, DO IT. It isn’t a failure if you have different priorities in mind to start with.

And yes, the drop it advice usually just means that. My SO often needs time to think about things, and it is VERY hard for me not to jump into the silence. It’s the hardest thing I ever do, and I sometimes have to literally bite my cheek to shut up.

I wish you lots of luck and strength and fortitude. :slight_smile: It can’t be easy, what you’re going through.

52

My guess is the BF only cares about the ex in the context that she is his kid’s mother. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with the kid, and pissing off the kid’s mother is one sure fire way to do that.

Now given that, the BF sounds extremely immature when it comes to relationships and communication, and about reality when it comes thinking about a future and stupidly thinking he could follow them to Europe.

Regardless of how his relationship with you works out. Someone should talk some sense into his head about father’s rights, and about stopping her from trekking across the globe with his kid.

And add me as another one that just doesn’t get this generation’s use of texting for what should be face-to-face conversations, or at a minimum over the phone.

53

Yeah, I remember that. Sorry to bring up old stuff. I’m just wondering if there might be a pattern here, not just with texting but other things too. For instance, loyalty, or the lack thereof, was also an issue with your last BF. It might explain why your expectations for this 7-month relationship have come crashing down so hard.

I’m single and sometimes it sucks a lot, but you will get through this breakup.

54

Mississippienne, first I’m sorry that things are really falling apart around you. As others have said, and of course hindsight is always brilliant, you didn’t really show yourself to your best advantage in your texts and, I hope, he didn’t either (if that’s his best, then yikes).

You said something about wanting him to let you go. I think he has done just that. Good on him for wanting to preserve a relationship with his son, and good on you for trying to figure out ways to make that work even with the son in Europe. But I think this incident reveals that you aren’t really high on his list of “things to think about.” And that isn’t good enough for you. No, you don’t have to be the big number one at the top of the heap, but you need to be in the picture for there to be a future and you simply don’t seem to be.

I’m sorry. Good luck.

55

Another advocate for what stpauler posted. Now, I’m gonna sound a little harsh, but I’m doing it because I want you to become better off emotionally for your next relationship…

You need to buy 4 thank-you cards, 3 of them for your dudefriends, and the other one for your Ex-BF to thank him for not wasting one more day past 7 months with him. Consider this a fortuitous instance where you just dodged a bullet, Miss.

Now, about you…Guilting someone to stay in a relationship is not the best foundation for a long term relationship. You cannot do that anymore to any future relationships; it just creates resentment in the long run which slowly strangles and kills a relationship.

One of many reasons why you should be careful with relationships with a divorced parent is that the good parents WILL choose the kids over the relationship and the bad parents will not choose the kids. This is where you have to cut some slack with this guy and respect his decision. He is trying to do the right thing (and although it seems irrational to you and to most of us), but you are trying to keep him from doing the right thing. You do not want to become the target years down the road, living with a man who may harbor deep regrets losing his relationship with his kids and you being the person responsible for it. And what if he decided to stay with you and forsake the kids, would you seriously not have any reservations that he may do the same thing to you if the two of you had kids? It’s really a no-win scenario here. Just be glad it happened 7 months in as BF-GF, instead of 7 years in a marriage with some pre-schoolers.

I didn’t realize that you actually texted the last half of the argument until I had re-read your post and a couple other posts…yikes! Texting takes the emotion and body language out of a serious discussion/argument; that’s a huge mistake! It creates an environment where misperceptions by both parties are made more frequently than a face-to-face discussion/argument…and you found that out several times during that exchange, when both came out slinging accusations and words that weren’t heard, but READ…Where they can be read again and again and again and… These words are going to stick in your head for quite some time (and his too) and you’ll have a harder time to reconcile (if at all possible) if that is on record.

No doubt, you’re going to feel some loss here, and you’ll need to grieve at some level. As I have said in past threads, you would definitely benefit from counseling. Not only for a loss of a relationship, but to improve on your communication skills for the next guy. Kids aren’t necessarily a deal-breaker, but you should go into those kind of relationships with an understanding that while the relationship might be fine with you and him, kids from another parent will complicate things 10-fold, and you need to respect the decisions that parents make if they can’t make it work. You need to realize it’s not about you, but it’s about the situation that person created and the constraints they must operate under.

Good luck and may you find yourself in a better situation in the near future.

56

You don’t deserve to be treated this way. You did not deserve to be called an asshole. The guy is not that into you. I say move on and find someone that RESPECTS you an truly loves you.

57

What an absolutely horrid thing to say to someone. IMHO you got off easy by just being called an asshole.

58

Sounds like he’s got a handy safety line, and he’s using it.
You told stud that you were in it for the long run…and you believed whatever it was that he told you, or you heard what you wanted to hear…
You’re yesterday’s news, kid. Do you wanna keep hanging around, and being his sex buddy? That is the only question that you must answer.

Best wishes,
hh

59

So, at the 4-5 month mark in your relationship you suggested the rather serious idea of moving to Europe together. He blew it off and you can’t understand why… You were simply being supportive!

Seriously? He might have his issues but you are waving huge red flags.
You sound to be clingy and on the childish side. It seems all the texted posts were more of a score keeping thing, you know?

Honestly, end things amicably. Spend some time alone getting to know what you want from life. Here’s an idea- go to Europe anyway. You were willing to do this two months ago so why not?
If the answer is no, then maybe you will see how latched on you were on a guy you really didn’t even know.

60

Wow, I have my faults but that’s really making a sow’s ear out of a purse. The only reason I suggested that was because the ex was already talking about taking the kid to Poland. It wasn’t a lark, “Oh I like you, let’s run away together!” suggestion. It was something I brought up as a means by which he might actually see his kid if the mom ran off to Poland. Considering he doesn’t speak Polish, BF is much less qualified to be employed there than even in England. You also need a college degree to teach English in Poland, which BF doesn’t have. So Ukraine and Russia were the next best options I could come up with.

Really, of all the issues and problems I bring to the table, you picked a weird one. It’s like you’re determined to see everything I did in the worst possible light.