A cry for advice - the ex, his fiancee and me

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I’ve been lurking here for almost two years, and have been consistently impressed with the knowledge and kindness of the board regulars. Suddenly, I’m in the QUEEN of all bizarre situations, and thought - well, I thougt you gracious folks might be able to help.

Here’s the background. I was married for 4 years, and have a 3 year old son. My ex and I are very close still - we share custody, have dinner together and the occasional soak in the hot tub, and have a much better relationship as friends than we ever did as a married couple. A lot of therapy and the realization that our son is #1 in both of our lives has made us a very functional, and somewhat unusual, divorced couple.

Enter the fiancee. The ex met her through an online dating service and fell madly in love. They were engaged within a month, and plan to get married on New Year’s Eve. She has a 2 year old daughter. She is beautiful, responsible, and a true survivor - I do have issues with their getting married, but have pretty much just been open and honest about my reservations, and they have been very responsive and open with me as well. All good.

Enter ME again. I’ve known that I am bisexual for a long time, though it never really made a difference in my life. Turns out that the fiancee is too. We had dinner (all three of us) last night, talking about kid stuff, the usual parenting things that we try to address at least once a week. A bottle of wine later, sitting in the hot tub, talking about stuff…you guessed it. Fiancee and I end up hooking up, with the amused permission and participation of my ex.

Question: since it was very consensual (if unexpected), communication is very open (we had been talking for hours before), and there are no secrets, why do I have this residual feeling of “uh oh, I did something bad”? DID I (we) do Something Bad? We continue to talk about it among the three involved, and have decided to just “see what happens”, and be completley honest with each other about what we’re comfortable with.

Anyone have any advice? Been in this situation before? Please, rally the troops, I feel like I’m in a complicated situation and there’s no handbook!!!

Thanks so much. I’m happy to clarify or explain more if necessary.

AL

2

I have to shake your hand. I thought I was the only person who could manage to find their way into absolutely insane personal relationship issues.

Ditch the “I did something bad” feeling. Its no good for you. Though you might want to realise that hooking up with your ex’s fiance is probably not the best of decisions.

Beyond that, I think you just made things pretty complicated but not unsalveagable. They’re getting married, you’re dealing, this can be just a quirk.

Or a tradition if everyone is happily cool with it.

It only gets bad if the people involved let it.

Good luck.

3

Yah, be cool. Remember that you’re the third wheel here, not either of them. If you can deal with it, then go ahead and “see what happens.” But you should remember that your relationship with your ex-husband ended for whatever reasons it ended. and they’re probably still there; if you decide your goal is a three-way relationship, then make sure you’re not blinding yourself to the continued existence of those problems by the charm or the new person. (Of course, it might be that the new person’s presence really will solve some of the problems, but you have to think hard about that instead of just hoping it’s true.)

–Cliffy

4

As long as everybody is upfront and completely open about it, I don’t see the problem. And ditch the bad person feelings because they will just get you in trouble. And make everybody uncomfortable!

5

I have not, in fact, been in this situation before, but to me, the worst part of it is that you’re thinking that you did something bad, when:

a) you didn’t sneak.

b) everybody consented.

c) everybody went home happy.

I think the real tragedy here is that such an occurrence should be constituted as “bizarre” and perhaps that is, in fact, what’s hanging you up about it. If you just think of it as people getting it on in a hot tub, why… it’s as natural as armpit hair. :wink:

Seriously, though, if nobody is upset, you certainly shouldn’t be, and if the lines of communication stay open, I think the whole situation will turn out to be positive, at best, and innocuous at worst.

And who knows…? The three of you might be just the ones to write that handbook. :smiley:

6

Well, I can’t tell if you did it badly until I see the videotape.

Oh, that’s not what you meant? Sorry…

7

This is the straight dope and we need proof!

So please post some pics.
I must say that this is the best treatment of an ‘ex’ ever in the history of mankind.

8

I hate to be a party-pooper (because I am jealous of your ex) but please think about these things.

What happens if they get married and you get pregnant? There is no such thing as fool-proof birth control.

What do you if the relationship turns sour to keep your child and her child from being harmed by the fallout?

If the relationship is long-lasting, how do you explain the relationship to the children when they figure out what you are doing? (Yes, sooner or later, they will find out.) How will they explain it to their friends? How will you explain it to the parents of their friends?

Can these problems be solved? Perhaps. Can YOU solve them?

9

I know this will be an unpopular opinion but I don’t think you should let this happen again. Ok it was fun and everyone went away happy but sooner or later feelings change and situations turn awkward and emotions come into play. In the end, no good can come of this.

I have nothing against 3-ways or bisexuality, quite the contrary. :wink: I just think those sort of situations shouldn’t be carried out with ex’s and their new loves.

I will not comment further on exactly how I know this but believe me experience is a harsh teacher.

10

As the resident party pooper, I have to add that I see the potential for damage to occur to the good relationship you currently have with your ex. This stikes me as something best left as a one-time only.

11

"Why do I have this residual feeling of “uh oh, I did something bad”? DID I (we) do Something Bad? "

“A bottle of wine later…”

People get drunk (or just loosen up), they do something they shouldn’t do, they sober up & come the realization that maybe that wasn’t the right thing to do.

It you felt great about it instead, then perhaps it might be another story?

12

Two suggestions:

  1. Consider your son and how this will affect him before you do anything else. If this is a healthy relationship which will be beneficial for him, great. If not, you’re a long way toward your answer.

  2. Next time, skip the bottle of wine. Things may seem clearer when you can think clearly.

13

I have to agree that I wouldn’t beat myself up about it if I were you, but I wouldn’t let it happen again. If there were no kids involved then it would be different. But as stated before, somewhere along the lines situations, circumstances, and people change. Too much is at stake in the situation.

14

Reminds me of Bob & Carol, Ted & Alice (old 70s flick). Back then they didn’t talk much about STD’s. These days women use protection, Saran plastic seems to be the method of choice amoung those women-women couples I have talked to.,

15

I agree that nothing shameful or wrong has occurred. But relationships between two people are complicated enough, especially with them just starting out with each other and a blended family. A stable 3-some household (which can be both possible and desirable) would be truly difficult to achieve. Same goes for an open marriage arrangement with fixed 3rd party.

I say follow your gut feelings. Not that you did something wrong, but it sounds like a part of you is trying to say that to continue this way is probably not in everyone’s best interest at this time.

And if you follow this path, you won’t have to even think about saran wrap (outside of the kitchen, anyway).

16

Perhaps what’s bothering you is that you suspect you may have risked what was once a great relationship with your ex. You say you enjoyed a great relationship with him, including soaks in the hot tub (is that another way of saying you had sex?). This latest act may have changed that core relationship. Sex can do that.

Perhaps it will bring you even closer; probably not. Jealousy is a strange thing and affects even people who think they should be above all that. Even if YOU can handle the fact that he’s sleeping with her, maybe SHE won’t be able to handle the fact that he’s still attracted to YOU; Or HE will be jealous that SHE is attracted to YOU. (There are so many variables here, it boggles the mind.)

There’s a few issues that disturb me here. But the main one is that your ex is considering marrying someone he’s known for a very short amount of time. Who really cares; it’s his life EXCEPT he is also the father of your child. You and he know so very little about her except that: a) she’d marry someone she met on the internet and has known a month; and b) even though she’s engaged to your ex, she had sex with his ex.

Call me a prude, but these aren’t the most endearing qualities and they certainly aren’t what I would want to find in the person that’s going to be a stepmom to my beloved child. But this is your life and not mine.

I’m a little puzzled why people are so quick to put the stamp of approval on this. Yes, you were all consenting adults; however, there are children involved. Would you really want this woman (the fiancee) to be stepmom to your kid?

17

First of all, I’d just like to say Congrats on having a nice, friendly relationship with your ex-. That’s hard to achieve sometimes.

Secondly, I think that if I was sitting in a hot tub, and my ex- began getting it on with my fiance, I’d run screaming into the forest. That would just seem so wrong to me.

But, whatever cranks your handle. Good luck, be careful, and I wouldn’t recommend constructing any mental images of a permanent menagerie.

18

Add me to the minority that thinks this is the worst idea they’ve heard in a while.

No, you should not be taken out back and beaten for your misstep, but for god’s sake, find someone more appropriate to sleep with. What happens when someone gets jealous? What happens if his fiancee decides she likes you better?

I’ve seen enough disastrous menages to last a lifetime, and they didn’t even involve children. You are real people in a real life situation. Your children (hers and yours) don’t need to grow up in the middle of this kind of a mess. And if you feel guilty, that’s your conscience telling you that what looks like a bad situation usually is.

Congratulations on your friendship with your ex, and may it always stay friendly (within appropriate bounds).

19

Actually, ‘minority’ and ‘majority’ have reversed here: it’s now running nearly 2-to-1 for ‘maybe y’all shouldn’t do this again’.

I think everybody agrees that you shouldn’t hit yourself over the head about it. Its happening once doesn’t seem to have destabilized anything, and that’s key.

But now that you’ve had a chance to step back and think, I agree with everyone else who says you’ve got to think of your kid first. And what your kid needs is a relationship between you and your ex that’s on an even keel. So I’d join the crowd in saying, leave it as a pleasant memory, but make sure you avoid an encore.

I share PunditLisa’s concerns about how briefly your ex and his fiancee have known each other. If it’s about as solid as most relationships of that duration, and the fiancee decides she likes you better than him, that could backfire big-time. And if you’re involved, any way their relationship falters potentially leaves you with part of the blame, and the attendant bad will. I’d say stay out of your ex’s love life, and then if it goes bad, your relationship with him is unaffected.

20

Thanks to everyone who has taken the time to respond to this - sorry I’m so late with the thanks, but I had some computer issues and wasn’t able to log in until now.

A little clarification: My ex and I are friends, but without “benefits” as it were - even now. Essentially, he was there, but a non-participant (at least with me). I have my own rules about that - I know it seems a little strange, but I think it would cause WAY more trouble to sleep with HIM while SHE was there than the other way around. Frankly, she’s the newcomer to this relationship - I don’t want to cause him trouble by making her insecure. Oh, and then there’s the fact that I have ZERO interest in having sex with him…

Every one of you has valid points (except those who demand photos…digital was out of juice, sorry). I should also clarify that there are many many problems with the woman that my ex is marrying, and the thing that makes me believe that they even have a snowball’s chance is that they have very open communication, about everything (and lordy, if you thought THIS story was weird, you should hear some of hers…)

Anyway, I saw them this weekend, we talked quite a bit - nothing has changed as far as our feelings for each other (just friends, nothing expected or escalated there). There is no reason to worry about the kids SO FAR, but we are thinking very seriously about how to keep it that way.

Anything I missed? Thanks to all of you, even those who only needed fodder for their imaginations :smiley:

AL