FML: Eff My Life

Why why why does this happen?

Over a year ago I posted this nonsense:

And last month I posted this nonsense:

Go ahead and read, and laugh. I’ll wait.

Done? Okay.

I took everybody’s advice in the first thread, but I ignored everybody’s advice in the second thread. I’m with that woman. I love her. And we were supposed to be married last week. Except …

My fiancé got a bunch of bad news from her family the day before our wedding, and ended up getting drunk to deal with it (I was at work while she was getting drunk). We were supposed to help decorate the church … and she showed up drunk.

I didn’t notice that she was drunk, but my best man noticed, and our wedding planner noticed, and this got back to the preacher* (my pastor, who has known me for almost 30 years). Pastor called me and told me that, under the circumstances, he didn’t feel right marrying us, given her current issues, and my past issues with alcohol. I will confess (as I confessed to him) that he had a good point.

So we postponed the wedding at the last minute. We’re still together, and we’re working things out. Though I do need to call my dad and give him a big apology. I invited him to the wedding via a phone call, and after that phone call I honestly didn’t think he was going to show up. So when we had to postpone things, I completely neglected to call him and tell him it was off for the time being. Naturally, he actually showed up, and there was nothing happening.

AAANNYWAY … the reason I linked both threads …

Guess who was the first person in my church (aside from the pastor and his wife) to reach out to me and my fiancé.

It was that young lady in the first thread. The young woman I had a completely inappropriate crush on. The one with the military boyfriend/fiancé.

She invited me and my lady to have dinner at her place. Her boyfriend/fiancé was there as well. We had a good time.

That was a month ago. A few days ago, she again invited us to come over for Easter dinner. Except … she has broken it off with her boyfriend.

So Easter dinner was me and my lady, and that young lady, and that young lady’s grandmother (who is also a member of my church), and that young lady’s landlords (a married couple whose basement she’s renting).

Grandma went home. Landlords went home (upstairs). So now it was just me and my lady and that young lady.

And alcohol.

Let me tell you about me and alcohol. I like to drink. I get drunk. And … according to everybody I have ever drank with, I am a reasonable drunk. When I was in my early 20s, most of my friends were 10+ years older than me, and one of them told me that I was the first person they had ever met who was the same drunk as I was sober. At 23, I had a 50±year-old bartender, a guy with more than 30 years of experience as a bartender, tell me that he was glad that I always cut myself off, because he could never tell when I was drunk. Because my behavior never changed.

The only thing that has changed in the last 30 years is that … I apparently must somehow behave differently, without realizing it. And with almost nobody noticing.

Tonight, after grandma and landlords had left, and it was just me and my lady and that young lady … we watched Family Feud.

And then my lady suddenly got riled up and decided that we needed to leave. So I thanked that young woman, and we left. And … she’s moved into my apartment, but still has the keys to her old apartment next door, and that’s where she went. She didn’t want to talk to me. And here I am now, still wondering, “WTF did I do?”

Update since I started typing: I left the front door of my apartment wide open for my lady, and she has since come home.

But, my god, I still have no idea what set her off.

I’m pretty damned sure that I gave no indication that I’d ever had an interest in that younger woman. What seemed to set her off was when I mentioned that, when we marry I’ll become a grandfather (my lady has grandchildren), and that I was happy that they don’t have my last name.

The “last name” thing goes back to an ancient thing with my own father. When I was born I was the “firstborn” son, my grandfather’s first grandson. My dad once told me about how happy his dad was when I was born. Because I was a SON, and I would carry on the family name.

Fast forward to me at age 16. I got this bright idea that I thought would make my dad proud of me: I told my dad that I was going to name my first son “Charles”, after my grandfather.

My dad replied, “Well, you had better make sure you’re married to his mother, because I’m not having a bastard named after my father.”


I was a [del]fucking[/del] non-fucking 16-year-old virgin when I told my dad that. And here I am, coming up on 50, and have fathered no children.

I also mentioned that, having discovered over the intervening years that good 'ol Dad is a fucking racist, I mentioned that I thought it would be hilarious if I married a Mexican woman and named our first son “Carlos” after my grandfather.

And that’s when my fiancé got mad.

But she wouldn’t tell me why she was mad.

I’m stupid when it comes to this shit.

First thought is that she’s mad because she thinks I don’t want her grandchildren to have my name. God, I’d love it if they took my name.

But dammit, I’m fucking stupid when it comes to this stuff.

You got that right.

You’re dealing with women and trying to figure out their actions? Please keep posting how this is going. Call it, “Ask the guy who’s floundering with the fairer sex.”

I’ve had 50 years of relationships and a wonderful wife and have no clue how any of that has happened.

Good luck.

OK, but I still don’t understand how a bill becomes a law.:confused:

This is just odd. Her children are adults, with children of their own, her grandchildren. Right? Why in the world would either of you expect the grandchildren to take your name?

You have both have issues with alcohol but are neither mature enough to actually face them or own them. Instead it’s all excuses, bad family news, 30 yrs of knowing when to cut yourself off. Lame, transparent, excuses that no one is buying.

Your minister steps in and refuses to marry you…but you’re still moving forward because you love her? Seriously? What’s wrong with you that makes this seem reasonable to you?

And then, all that drama, is eclipsed by the young woman, (whom you clearly have absolutely no shot with, but pined after for 15 yrs), has broken off with her guy! Like that has any bearing whatsoever on your trainwreck of bad relationship decisions.

You’re living a delusion, where both your addiction issues are ignored, where your minister has to be the adult because neither of you two are capable, and you think you have a shot with younger woman, (clue: you never did, you just can’t ever face that it seems!), and that what you have with the older woman is somehow, and against all evidence, love!

This is a level of being willfully blind to the obvious, that is stunning to witness. But seriously, no advice is going to help you until you can actually see things as they actually are, instead of just what you want to see.

Get into therapy, you really, really could benefit from it.

(I’m not going to wish you Good Luck this time, as no amount of luck will overcome willful delusion, in my opinion!)

You really thrive on drama and attention.

If you marry this woman, you are volunteering for a lot more of this for as long as you put up with it.

No you’re not. She is determining how much you will put up with before she can get you to hit her.

You posted in the other thread -

People tell us who they are. It is up to us to listen when they do.

This woman is telling you, very clearly, who she is and what she does, and what she is going to do. So either listen, or keep a golf club handy.


Why on earth would her grandchildren take your name?

I don’t disagree with any of the advice in this thread, but when I got to the part about you being alone with both of them and getting drunk, I thought this story was headed for maximum chaos and personal disaster, and least you didn’t go there.

Perhaps your pastor can offer some relationship counseling?

Your life isn’t the problem.

Please don’t get married. Please don’t get married. PLEASE don’t get married.

Name one real benefit to getting married that doesn’t involve either how other people will perceive you or her extreme desire to do it ASAP. If your concern is she’ll leave you if you don’t go through with it now, walk away and be glad you only lost a few months.

Date. Get lengthy premarital counseling. Live in sin, no matter what the old biddies at church say. But for god’s sake, don’t get married.

I can help you with that!

I have read that people who are best able to “hold their liquor”—that is, drink heavily without seeming to succumb to the intoxicating effects of alcohol—are the ones who are most likely to develop problems with alcohol. I don’t know whether that’s true.

In this day and age your response is that women (as a group) are too irrational to understand their actions? Given the actions of the OP, I don’t either of these specific people has a monopoloy on rational choices. But hey, it must be those emotional and illogical women, amirite?

Crazy thought here MisterRik- have you asked her what upset her? Genuinely asked her with the intent to listen? Otherwise, I’m with the chorus here that neither of you should be getting married.

Never mind that: just move onto an amendment.


I swear the OP’s fiance must be my old girlfriend, except she’d be older than that by now.

I’m not going to laugh at the OP, because I’ve been there myself, with the aforementioned old girlfriend. A total drama queen who would make impulsive life decisions, would become angry over nothing but keep quiet about it until it smoldered for a week or so and then let it all burst out in a burning rage and had serious mental-health and alcohol issues. But the sex was fantastic, so I ignored it as long as I could.

OP: DO NOT marry this woman.

Rock on, sister.

I think you over-share details of your personal life.

And if the woman was posting here, I would advise her DO NOT marry this man.