Unrequited Love

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

This is going to sound horribly creepy, but I don’t have any other place to say this. But I have to say it. I’ve been here since 2003, so I hope at least some of you sort of know me, and won’t judge me too harshly.

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I met her when she was 15 years old, and I immediately fell in love with her. She was just a girl at my church. We found ourselves in conversation one Sunday after the service. She was so comfortably easy to talk to, and she was wonderfully happy to have a conversation with me. Listening to her, it was painfully obvious that she was incredibly intelligent. And well-spoken. And happy to talk to me. Yes, I said that already. I said it again on purpose.

She could sing like an angel. Our pastor’s wife was (and still is) a voice teacher, and she was her student. She eventually joined the worship team at church, where I was already the bass guitarist. The music became so much better once she added her voice.

She wasn’t beautiful in the traditional sense. In fact, she was downright plain. My love for her had/has nothing to do with how she looks.

The reason I said this would be creepy is … when I met her, when she was 15, I was 32. I can see now that her easy conversation with me back then was simply a case of a loquacious teenage girl talking to an adult, with no other expectation than simple conversation. In fact, one of our conversations, when she was 17, involved her telling me how creeped out she was when another guy, a few years younger than me, asked her when she would be 18.

I never said anything inappropriate to her when she was under 18. I have never said anything remotely sexual to her, despite the fact that I’m totally in love with her, in all of the years we’ve known each other. The worst I have done is maybe a longing glance at her.

I’m finally confessing this because of the “non-creepy formula” that has been promulgated here. I’m 48 now, and she is 31. 48/2+7=31. I can now finally ask her out without it being “creepy”.

Except that now I still can’t. I’m still in love with her, all these years later. But she’s engaged to a military man who she only gets to see two days each year for the past three years. I can’t even fathom how that works. I still get to see her almost every week at church, and all I can do is glance at her and hope the longing in my eyes isn’t too obvious.

And she sings even more like an angel now that her voice has matured.

Her mother is a now-retired seamstress, and so she has those skills. I sent her a message today on Facebook asking how much she would charge to re-sew some buttons on my chef coats. She said, “LOL, nothing!” So I’ll buy some new buttons, and bring them to her along with the chef coats. And I suspect nothing will happen beyond her sewing the buttons on for me, and me trying desperately to not look at her in the “wrong” way.

2

I’m sure this is a stupid question but you’ve had relationships and/or a marriage of your own in all these years that you’ve held on to these feelings for this girl, haven’t you?

3

You needed to make your move when she turned 18 or at least by age 21. You didn’t and she found someone, so now you need to move on. I’d avoid any contact with her for your peace of mind.

4

Nope. I’ve actually been celibate since before I met her. For my own reasons.

When she turned 18, I was 35. That would have been almost as creepy as if I had hit on her when she was 15 and I was 32.

I can’t avoid contact with her, as we still attend the same church together. And I was just having that button conversation with her on Facebook.

I am very good at concealing my feelings when necessary.

5

Engaged doesn’t equal marriage.

Explore without expectations.

6

Ok but celibate doesn’t have to mean solitary. Does your decision to remain single all these years have anything to do with this unrequited love?

7

I’m not saying there is anything “healthy” about this. The fact is that I can’t help how I feel about her. But I can control how I act, and behave myself.

8

This is not healthy. Seek counseling.

9

You seem to be aware of the pathological nature of your “love” for this woman. Keep that awareness at the forefront of your thoughts and do nothing to bring this woman into your unwell life. Let her be. And get some help, this is a surmountable issue, definitely.

10

You’ve been celibate for 15 years…since you were 32…? Is this some novel you are writing?

11

You have actually reminded me of an intervening relationship that I have tried to forget.

Not your fault. I’ve tried and failed for 10+ years to forget.

You know that adage, “Don’t stick your dick in the crazy”?

When I was 36, I was living in a men’s homeless shelter, where my stepfather was the Director. I was there to reduce my expenses while I worked to pay off the debts I had incurred in my twenties. We had an associated women’s shelter, and one day, one of the young women who lived in the women’s shelter came marching up to me and said, “You should ask me out.”

So I asked her out. Worst mistake of my life.

It turned out that this girl suffered from both bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. And to top things off, it turned out that she was almost exactly the same age (I had thought she was older) as the girl in my OP, and she actually knew her and had gone to school with her. And when I made the mistake of mentioning that other girl (just her name, not that I was in love with her), all hell broke loose.

That kind of scared me off of getting into another relationship for a long time.

12

No, I’ve actually been celibate since I was 29. So almost 20 years.

And, no, not a novel. I am a writer, but my characters are most definitely not celibate. Such a thing would be inappropriate for the kinds of stories I write.

13

You need to tell her. If you can’t find it in yourself to tell her, you need to seek counseling and maybe medication to be able to confront this and have an honest conversation with her.

ONE honest conversation, probably.

You may have to change churches as a result. But a dishonest life is not a life. You’re 48. Don’t lose any more life before you make your move, and allow her to make her own decision about it.

If you can’t cede control to her… see above.

14

nm. Had second thoughts

15

I don’t see what the benefit is of creeping her the fuck out. What good can come of him telling her he’s been in “love” with her since she was 15?

Changing church does sound like a good idea though.

16

We see threads started by people who are upset after encounters with horrible people, and the wise advice they receive is “don’t take it personally.”

But the same often holds true when you encounter someone wonderful.

17

Yes, this is basically what I was trying to say above. Shakes just does a much better job. :smiley:

18

DON’T tell her. Unless you’ve gotten signals (and you’re very sure) that she would be interested in hearing about it. Which I would consider very unlikely given the age gap and the amount of time that has passed. If she were seriously attracted to you, she would have made herself available and let you know she was interested. Twenty years is long enough to moon about after someone that’s not into you. Give yourself a break and cut her loose.

Instead, maybe you could try to take an objective look at the situation - even in the best of situations, an age gap that large is a difficult relationship to pull off - and maybe it is best left on the shelf.

Is it possible, due to self-esteem issues or previous relationship disappointment, that you may have made an emotional attachment to someone that you knew, logically, was unlikely ever to return that sentiment, and was therefore a “safe” object of affection?

19

I am heartbroken for you. You have lost the better part of your youth pining for someone you couldn’t be with.

It seems to me that you will never move on, if you haven’t by now, until you have an outright rejection from her. Talk to her, see if she’s happy in her situation. If she is, that is your rejection. If not, ask her out.

Once you have her answer, seek therapy. Even if it turns out that the two of you begin dating, seek therapy anyway. You need to find out why you base all of your happiness on this one person.

20

Again, I disagree. He has his answer already, in his heart. He knows what is going on here is not healthy. I don’t think bringing her into this is necessary for him to know the reality here. I think he has a good start and he needs to now handle this problem himself, on his own. He deserves to be happy, and she deserves to be left alone.