Yet Another Thread Requesting Romantic Advice

In My Humble Opinion
1

This is a long story that involves a good amount of confusion and embarrassment, so consider yourself warned.

About a month ago I met a wonderful man. I really, really like him. He is sweet, funny, intelligent, and attractive. We are going on our 4th date in as many weeks this weekend and I really enjoy spending time with him. He really seems to understand me in a way that most men don’t and he thinks I am absolutely gorgeous. He also has HPV, specifically the strain that causes genital warts as opposed to the strain that causes cancer.

He told me this on our very first date and I was really impressed with his honesty. It also seemed like it might have been kismet because (and here comes the embarrassing part) I had called and set an appointment with an OBGYN because I had noticed something that I had thought could have been a gential wart on my hoo-ha about a week before he and I met. My appointment was yesterday, so throughout all this time we have been talking and going out on dates, generally getting to know one another but not having sex.

It turns out that what I had thought was a sexually transmitted disease is actually a cyst. She is running some additional tests and labwork and such just to be absolutely certain but she said that as far as she can tell at this point that I do not have HPV. I was so relieved to learn that I did not have it and when I called him to tell him that he said he was happy for me but he seemed almost hesitant about what I had thought was fantastic news. That is when it dawned on me the impact this has on our relationship and that I now have a big decision to make.

Do I want to be with someone who is kind and wonderful but pretty much guarenteed to give me HPV? Would it be better to end it now before either of us become any more invested in the relationship in order to stay disease free? If we decided to be together how feasible is the idea of being with someone but not having sex with them until you get married in this day and age? Is being with someone but not having a sexual component to the relationship something that would drive me to resent him? Since HPV is pretty prevalent in society and something like 50% of people have it in the US what are the odds I would pass him over just to end up with someone else with HPV?

I am 25 and I am not in any kind of hurry to settle down or looking for a man who would necessarily be husband material (though that is something that will be important to me someday) but he is 34 and seems to be getting to a point where finding someone to be married to is important to him. I don’t want to be with him for months and months to find that either I ended up with HPV and the relationship ends with me left with nothing but a disease to remember him by or that we decided to abstain from sex but it doesn’t work out and now he has been off the market and may have missed out on the person who would have been perfect for him.

If you were in my shoes what would you do?

2

Well, crap. That’s a tough one. Have you had the new vaccine? Do you know if it protects against the kind he has?

3

Uh, I hate to be the one who bring the brussels sprouts to the dinner, but there really isn’t anything very romantic about HPV and genital warts.

And this is a personal decision best made by 50% of the people involved. Condoms are out of the question?

Best of luck to you, though.

4

I don’t think the vaccine would protect against the kind he has since it is designed specifically to stop the strain that can cause cervical cancer. I can certianly look into it though.

And HPV is one of the STDs that can be easily transmitted even with proper condom use.

5

What about the HPV vaccine? It prevents several varieties of the HPV virus. It could help you.

Otherwise, I hate to say it, but it is a totally personal decision. As someone with herpes, I had to face all of my partners with the news and agree to their decision. But it is part of being honest and having an incurable sexually transmitted disease. Yes it sucks. It doesn’t change the fact that you’ll just have to decide whether he’s worth risking exposure on your own. No stranger on a message board can make that decision for you.

6

Please consider the possibility that, no matter how you feel and no matter what you tell him, if he passes it on to you he will probably feel guilty, and every flare-up is likely to revive that guilt.

7

In addition to protecting against HPV types 16 and 18, the types implicated in the majority of cervical cancers, Gardasil also protects against types 6 and 11, which cause 90% of genital warts (cite)

8

If I were you, I’d definitely get the vaccine, no matter what. Even if you had turned out to be infected with HPV already, he might have a different strain than you (hypothetically) had and you’re better off being protected from 3 of the 4 of them than none at all.
Personally, I’d wait until I was done with the vaccine shots to sleep with him. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to wait six months to greatly reduce the risk of catching their disease.

Incidentally, I do know someone who is dating a lovely person who unfortunately has herpes. They have chosen the route of waiting until marriage. So, yes, it does happen still. :slight_smile:
(Incidentally, I know a few docs who are kind of annoyed that the marketing for Gardasil focuses so much on the cancer issue since they feel the protection from genital warts is a far more important public health issue - given that Pap smears have made invasive cervical cancer so rare nowadays, and the kind of women who believe in preventive care enough to get vaccinated with Gardasil are also the types who get regular Paps).
Anyway, good luck.

9

I will certianly be getting the vaccine no matter what happens. I don’t want to go through freaking out about the possibility of having it again.

Honestly if I hadn’t thought I probably already had some variation of HPV I don’t know that I would have gone out with him a second time. I kind of wish I hadn’t so I wouldn’t have found out what an incredible person he is and it would have been an easy decision to make.

He was so reassuring and understanding about it when I explained to him that I thought I might have had a strain of HPV and he just sounds so scared that I am going to dump him every time I talk to him now, and honestly he is right to be scared because it is something I am considering. He is just such a nice guy and I haven’t found anyone I have been truly interested in for a long, long time so it hurts to think that I will have to walk away from what could have been a great relationship if only he didn’t have HPV.

10

Well, here’s my perspective - perhaps it’s odd.

There’s one real problem with HPV - it can give you cervical cancer. The strain he has (as you claim) doesn’t cause cancer. So what we’re left with is the actual physical warts, which have two problems: 1) they’re unsightly, and 2) you might pass them on to a future partner. Usually, though the infection disappears after a few years. And… they’re just warts. People get warts on their feet, for example, all the time, and (I think) most people would think you were crazy not to share a shower with a boyfriend/girlfriend who had plantar’s warts.

HPV can be awful and scary, and no one wants cervical cancer. But I suspect I wouldn’t worry about the possibility of a few skin-growths that would probably go away and would almost certainly go away with medical treatment if they were bothering me.

11

This is about all I can speak to, but it does still happen. It’s probably more common than you think, even. We waited. It wasn’t the easiest thing ever, but it was certainly possible, and it was worth the wait. (Just FYI, we were 22 when we got married. We are 34 now.)

It’s your decision, not society’s, so yes, even in this day and age it’s up to you to decide and you can choose to wait if you want.

12

You need to talk to a medical professional who has good, accurate advice for you (maybe a Planned Parenthood type). HPV is extremely common; if people who had an HPV infection never had sex or kids, the human race would die out. I’m not entirely sure someone saying they are “HPV Positive” should be a deal-breaker, if he has had his warts removed (if he had any). HPV is not HIV.

13

I’ve heard something similar from Planned Parenthood, myself. I may have even read it on a poster in an exam room. My boyfriend was cheating on me with a girl who made a big stink about her having HPV (she lied) and I made a big stink about going to PP to get tested and they told me pretty much what featherlou said.

But please do not take my word for it - take the word of a gynecological professional.

And also…what is wrong with condoms until marriage?

14

Condoms do not necessarily prevent the transmission of HPV.

15

Yes he is too old for you.

16

According to the CDC, 80% of women have had HPV by the time they are 50.

17

Planned Parenthood type, here.
The numbers we were given said that something like 80-90% of the total population has one or more strains of HPV. If you’re sexually active, and have had three or more partners, chances are good you’re carrying at least one strain. It’s possible for him to be carrying more than one strain, too. Most strains are asymptomatic.
Warts, though possibly unsightly, are really not a big deal, in my opinion. They’re easily removed, the wart-causing strains are not the Cx cancer causing strains, and most strains spontaneously self-resolve in 6-9 months anyway. After meeting teeming millions with HSV, HIV, and all other manner of permanent, fatal, or just annoying STIs, HPV ranks extremely low on my distress-o-meter, though not as low as Chlamydia, which barely ranks a shrug anymore.

One thing I do want to say is huge kudos for him for the honesty, since there are plenty of people of either gender who go around spreading all kinds of fun critters in full knowledge of their actions and with complete disregard for their partners.

As others have said, you are the only one who can make the decision about whether being with him, now, is important enough to you to have to have this conversation with future partners–the very conversation he had with you on your first date. Have you been with him long enough to make that decision?

My advice to you is: get vaccinated for HPV. Even if his wart-causing strain doesn’t cause Cx Cancer, he absolutely could be an asymptomatic carrier of the nasty strains–but then so could absolutely any and every partner you’re with. It protects you against two of the wart-causing strains, as well. Even if you don’t end up having sex with this guy, it’s an important health decision for any sexually active woman.
So, get vaccinated.
Secondly, use condoms. It won’t absolutely prevent transmission, but there’s at least some reduction in the area of contact and that has to help.
Thirdly, wait a good long time to have sex with him. Long enough to know you really, really want to have sex with this particular parter. For me, it would at least mean the knowledge that we were compatible enough to spend the rest of our lives together, though I certainly wouldn’t wait for the wedding night. For you, it could mean the wedding night or one randy weekend–again, totally a personal decision.

Some couples where one has tested positive for HPV or HSV are sexually active for years without taking precautions and without the other partner catching it. On the other hand, some people have one-night-stands with condoms and seven-to-ten days later find suspicious bumps in their bits and pieces. There really is no way to know if and when it’ll make the jump. As we say, it doesn’t matter if the chances are 1%, if you end up being the 1%.

Anyway, in regards to the decision at hand and his particular case of HPV, the only difference between this guy and any other you might choose to have sex with is that he knew he had it and was up front with you. A large number, possibly even a majority, of dudes (and women) walking around either don’t know, or don’t bother to have the difficult conversation. Thumbs-up to him. I say it’s a sign of a good guy. Be responsible, take precautions, and make having sex an important decision. It’s what everybody should be doing, anyway.

18

Oh, also–make the decision before any kind of naked-time occurs. HPV is spread through skin-to-skin contact, and there’s certainly no need for actual intercourse for that to happen.

I also want to echo someone above that said “they’re just warts”. It’s true, they’re just warts. People freak out about any odd lumps and bumps in their genitalia, but the same bumps on your hands or feet wouldn’t cause you to pause a second in your dating plans. HPV is a collection of viruses that includes the feet warts and the hand warts. These particular warts are jumbly-bits warts. Big deal. I think the big deal comes in when you stop to consider that having jumbly-bits warts means that, OMG you’ve had sex!!!

I don’t mean to downplay the caution, I really don’t. But I also think that if this guy really is the guy you think he is, HPV really shouldn’t stop you from finding a partner you really care about. If you like each other enough, waiting for sex until you’re both sure you want to risk the transmission shouldn’t be an impediment to a good developing relationship.

19

I think that I need to do a bit more research on the subject before I make any final decisions. I won’t be having sex of any kind with him until I decide exactly what this means for me and I have been vaccinated, so the waiting isn’t the problem. At this point I will just have to talk to him about my concerns and let him know we will have to wait and we can continue to get to know one another for a while. So far he has been pretty fantastic but it has only been a month, after all, and I haven’t had time enough to determine if I would like for him to stick around for the long haul.

20

That sounds like a perfect and logical course of action. If he’s a good guy, he’ll agree and support you, and if he’s not–well then, it’s an easy decision. Cheers.