Aah...unrequited affections

Don’t you just love that feeling you get when you first meet the guy who that girl you’re crazy about has started dating?

Where you have trouble breathing and it feels like your stomach and intestines are imploding? When you realize how stupid and delusional you were for thinking you actually had a chance with her?

And it doesn’t matter how much you make her laugh, or how much you get along with her, or how well you try to come across as a confident guy, because this guy is simply superior to you in ever way, and the truth is that you simply aren’t attractive enough for her.

And while she’s always regarded you as “a really good guy” to mutual friends, you now realize that it translates to “though he’s a sweet guy, I would never in a million years even think about letting him touch me in a sexual way.”

And you wonder how you’ll get to sleep tonight.

Fuck.

Story of my life, man.

That and dating a woman a couple times before she tells me that she’s getting back together with her recent ex. I guess being the rebound guy is better; at least I get laid once in a while.

I’m not goig to tell you that you’ll meet the love of your life soon or any bullshit like that.

It happens to everyone, male or female. Chemistry doesn’t count if it only goes in one direction.

Now, listen carefully. You have one and only one chance to turn this around. When she and the guy break up, and she comes to cry on your shoulder, you must at some point say:

“You know, I always thought you and I would make a good couple.”

You should have said it before, of course, but if you don’t say it then, you’ll never say it and she’ll never know you felt it.

Been there, mate. Because if she’s truly great, then she can pull the really excellent guys. Rich. Handsome. Funny. Charming. Blah, de fucking blah. The only advice I could give is to try to be those things.

But be yourself. Yeah. Listen to me, Casan00ba.

Really? Huh. I would have thought that comes across as inappropriate, possibly manipulative. Making a move while they’re emotionally vulnerable seems like the sort of thing that only works in sitcoms.

This has given me a lot to think about…

I know that man. That man follows me everywhere. He always has.

Every man I meet, I think, might be that man. He dogs me.

Dating, not married, man!

Huzzah! Thrust! Parry! Show no quarter! But be cool about it. :wink:

There’s a reason why clichés become clichés, y’know… all IS fair in love and war…

Been there, felt that, don’t want the T-shirt.

Now, I haven’t been in the situation for a while, but I think part of getting shunted to the ‘just friends’ bin is not speaking one’s truth–that one is interested in being more than just friends–earlier. I wish I’d had the guts to do that more than once. As it was, I didn’t speak my truth, and celebrated the woman’s wedding to someone else with bittersweet heart indeed. (What’s even weirder is, one day I went to their house and rang the doorbell; the door opened to unexpectedly reveal her husband, and I thought I was looking at myself.)

OK, remedies.

  1. Very Toxic, but it works. This requires one or more ugly things about her, or things that she’s done that turn you off. You know, those things that get filtered out by that pedestal that you’ve got her on. Replay them in your head. Every single fucking time that you get the blues, play those things in your head. At full volume, in HDTV. Repeat until she’s off that pedestal and you view hewr with the same romantic disdain or neutrality with which she views you. Trust me on this, it works.

  2. Get with someone who likes you back. This works very well if the person is a friend, superior or rival of hers. Just be sure that you’re with the new one because you like her. Any discomfort induced in Pedestal Chick is profit.

  3. If the friendship is too much, move on. Best to stop sucking on the toxic candy bars.

The basic remedy is to not focus on Pedestal Chick. But if you must check under the hood:

Maybe PC values your friendship and its stable reliably over and above the string of men that she dates - you know, the ones who come and date and then disappear. Maybe she wants you to hang around. Maybe she’s saving you for when she needs a fuck buddy in the nursing home.

Maybe PC just doesn’t like you that way. Mayhaps there are women in your circle for whom you are That Pedestal Bastard yada yada yada. Pick one of your female friends, those in the She’s Perfectly Fine, But I Don’t Like Her That Way. Can you just turn a switch and like one of those? Neither can Pedestal Chick.

I’ve been there and I’ve been the guy taking the girl from another guy. Currently single though trying to change that. My one piece of advice is to learn from it. By learn from it I mean try and figure out what she is attracted to. If it’s a fairly general trait, that is not specific to her tastes, then try and copy it. That, and use her to get other chicks.

Nicely written OP. Gut-wrenching stuff.

It’s been like a roller coaster in here tonight. First I read the OP from MaxTheVool’s good news and now this. Maybe if the two threads combined, they’d even out or something.

This. You can’t act like a friend and then complain about being put in the ‘friend zone.’ (Is that a taboo word along the lines of ‘nice guy’?) Anyway, when I meet girls now and I know I’m interested, I try to show it in subtle but effective ways. Like groping! No but seriously, light physical touch, acting a little cocky-funny in a way that doesn’t make you feel untrue to yourself, ummm… I dunno there are a lot of ways to show interest that don’t require one to directly say it.

I can’t say my luck with dating has improved dramatically after learning this, but I have stopped the ‘you’re such a nice friend’ problem. It feels good.

Timing is everything. Obviously you can’t say it and then immediately try to go to bed with her that night, but if you don’t let her know, she’ll never think of it herself.

I hate that feeling. But trust me, it’s even worse when it’s your own wife.

Keep fishing, hombre.

Show her how you feel. Bring her flowers, candy, and jewelry, and explain to her in great detail how it would be a good idea for her to date you instead. Try to summon up some tears. Be sure to get down on one knee. Beg if you have to.

OK, I’m about to make myself puke.

Good stuff. In general, the friend zone thing is a direct reflection of your neediness.

Stop seeking approval.

Stop pinning all of your hopes on one woman.

Stop comparing yourself to other guys. You’re awesome in your own right, but you need to come to that realization yourself.

Stop manipulating women. (That includes everything in my first paragraph. You might call it showing affection. It’s not. It’s manipulation.)

Realize that no matter how hot she is, you’re a little bit hotter. You’re the prize.

I don’t want to start a whole thing, but everyone is in someone else’s ‘friend zone,’ except complete loners. It’s called having a circle of friends. Yeah, it’s frustrating when you want something ‘more’ from a man (or woman), but when friendship is described as some sort of crappy consolation prize, it makes it seem as if this guy was never really worth your time unless he was willing to get naked, and that everything up 'til then was you paying your dues. I know it doesn’t always work like that, but that’s how it can come across.

I met up with my ex-girlfriend Thanksgiving night. We reminisced about old times, and we naturally started talking about our relationship and how it ended (I went away to college and rarely called, and she eventually broke up with me). She is such a sweetheart, and we had a great thing going on. I don’t remember getting into a fight with her ONCE over the course of a little over a year. We remained friends through college, though she had a boyfriend.

Anyways, later that night, we went back to my place and ended up sharing a passionate kiss (yes, she still had a boyfriend). We met the next day for lunch. Over the course of about half a day, I fell in love with her all over again.

Later that night was our five year high school reunion. Her boyfriend was in my class, so he was there along with her. Talk about awkward. Anyways, we barely talked there, but I told her that I wanted to see her before she had to go back to school on Sunday.

It never panned out, and she basically ignored me for the rest of the weekend. She’s back at school with him now, and I’m hurting. Why did she kiss me back? How am I supposed to interpret that?

I don’t think that you are implying it, but this reminded me of the misconception that being assertive is not being nice. IMO the truest gentleman is the most direct with his feelings. This, combined with the right amount of tact and a little bit of swagger is the way to success with women. But as Vince Lombardi said, “Results, not excuses.” To be fair, my girlfriend is 24 and hot. I am 32 and that guy you say to yourself, “another hot girl with a douchebag.”

No offense, but with feelings and thoughts like that (especially the bolded part, egad!), you’re not coming across as confident as you think you are.

Unrequited love can turn even the most seemingly confident people into warm, piles of self-loathing goo.

I disagree. If our value comes from outside ourselves then the unrequited part is a natural extension of what’s already wrong inside. A genuinely confident person quickly realizes that even if their worst fear or their greatest love comes true or remains unrequited, they still are who they are and have inherent worth solely because of that.