If it is'nt love, why do I feel this way?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Here’s the story: So I know this girl from back in high school, never thought much about her. She was extremely attractive, but I did’nt really think much of her in the personality dept, so I never thought much of her. She was a friend of a friend. Fast forward to after college this May. I move back home to find that all of my friends have moved on to different cities or are still in college except this one girl. So I call her up. She looks even more radiant than back in high school. I play it cool though, since college I’ve been the master of my own emotions. I’ve seen pretty faces come and go and they’ve rarely ever made me even raise an eyebrow. Pretty faces come a dime a dozen, I was looking for substance. Don’t get me wrong, I’m in no postion to choose, only ever had one girlfriend in my life and I chose her just for her looks. Other than her, I’ve been a lonely, lonely man. So now I’ve been goin out with this girl for 5 months. Each time has been something like an intimate dinner and a movie, or something that resembles a real date. The rub here, of course, is that it has all been under the pretense of just friends. The two most evil words in the english language.

Well somewhere along those 5 months I’ve started to take a huge liking to her. Although she has’nt said it directly to me, I suspect she is’nt attracted to me. I tried everything to not fall in love with her. I looked into her soul and found nothing ugly that I could hate. There was nothing I could do, I was smitten. My life has been hijacked. My every thought belongs to this woman, and I’m drowning. This girl is so beautiful that the thought of never being able to have her causes my soul to rip itself apart. Everything she says and does is about being just and intelligent, and only makes me love her all the more. I’m falling into crippling depression over this woman just because I know there’s a good chance she’ll never like me. She’s stolen all my restful nights and left me nothing but fitful sleep and self-pity. Losing control over my emotions like this feels like sticking my scrotum into a pencil sharpener.

   So I turn to you: the white-robed acolytes of the Straight Dope message boards. Say something to help me remove this shard of glass from my chest. I want my life and my emotions back. Even if I can't woo this girl in my favor, I just want her out of my mind. I want my depressive nights to end and I just want my life back to normal. Someone out there must be able to help me.
2

Maple Syrup, you have my sympathies. Unrequited love is an agonizing thing.

I have to ask you, though – given how awful you feel now, would you really feel worse if you talked to her and found out she didn’t share your feelings? Until you actually broach the subject with her, you will not know for sure. The worse that happens is that you find out you’re right about her, but there is a possibility that you may be surprised. Before you lose too much sleep, it wouldn’t hurt to make sure.

3

Well it’s good there’s others out there who know what I’m going through.

The thing that’s stopping me from actually confronting her with this problem is that I’m scared I’ll mess up the friendship.

4

Weirddave strolls in playing a violin…*
Hehe. Sorry. Just ask. No big deal. Do it low key, and it shouldn’t hurt the friendship. " I was wondering, you and I get along so well as friends, have you ever thought about the posibility that we might work as more?" Yes or maybe, and y’all have something to discuss. No, and back off gracefully " Yea. Well, I was just wondering what you thought. I wouldn’t want to ---------( Whatever she says- mess up the friendship, relate to you that way, whatever)" And then drop it. Believe me, it’s better to know than to not. Accept a no, and don’t try to “talk her into it”. You don’t want to hear 5 years doen the road " Oh, I never knew you thought of me that way.", do you? Good luck!

5

God, life is so complicated. Don’t even get me started on matters of the heart, though mine goes out to you.

:: hug ::
:: shudder ::

6

Do it. Be upfront about it and do it quickly. Unrequited infatuation can be seriously damaging…DAMHIK

But open communication for better or worse will make your life better, I promise.

It may suck if she isn’t interested in you romantically, but knowing that, you can decide whether you still value her friendship enough to be able to move past it and be friends.

If she is interested, you will have saved time spent wondering!
Mike “been down that road and lived to tell about it” G

7

But this simple act worked wonders with me and my ex sister-in-law.

I was at her house, she was talking on the phone. Inspiration hit me, from where it came I don’t know.

But I slipped off one of her shoes as she talked on the phone, and put her foot in my mouth and started working it over. (No, I don’t have a foot-fetish at all!)

Anyway, as soon as she hung up it was off to the bedroom for us…

I’d never even hinted anything to her before, or vice-versa.

So, I guess the moral of the story is: Take charge, take a chance, be bold with her!

8

Do you two ever touch? If you do is it just a friendly thing? Does she have other love interests that she talks to you about? Do you talk about personal things, like what you want in the future? Does she ask you about other girlfriends?

Big question: do you flirt with each other?

Take a big step back and think about the things that lovers would do. If you’re not doing them, then she probably just wants to be friends. You could blow that if you indicate you’re interested in more…

Then of course how important is this friendship compared to the agony of unrequited love?

9

Take a chance , but then it could just be the desparation loneliness thing she is detecting thus has no interest in returning it .If you don’t take a chance then you are left wondering years and years later in what might have become.

10

…if she’s not interested, get as far away from her as possible.

You are going to be miserable as long as you pine for the un-attainable. You will also be wasting your free time on someone who is not interested in you, time that you could use to find someone who is.

Make your move, and if it doesn’t fly, move away.

[sub]…not that I’m saying you need to find a new place to live and hire a moving van, I just am trying to use a catchy turn of phrase to… well I think you get the idea[/sub]

11

Well fellow dopers, tonight is the night. We’re going out for dinner and then most likely a movie. So I figure I’m gonna play it cool and say something like “Say (Let’s just call her Ophelia), ever thought me and you should give it a shot?”. That’s about as far as I can think of going, think I’m going to have to play it by ear after that. Of course there’s always the chance I abort the whole thing if the vibes are’nt right or the timing is off. O to struggle against great odds, to meet enemies undaunted!

As for your questions BoiToi, yes we touch occasionally, but only if we are both in good moods. She was the first one to initiate touching though, if that makes any difference. She actually never talks about any love interests in front of me, although she has mentioned acouple of guys she has been attracted to. She said she would never want to date them though, whatever that means. Yeah we talk about personal things all the time, but I hope that does’nt mean that I’m just the gender-neutral, penisless friend. Yeah she asks me about other girlfriends but gets kinda pissed off when I tell her about girls I’m attracted to. In fact, she did’nt start telling me about those other guys until I told her about the girls.

As for the big question, I must say no, we rarely flirt. I’ve never tried though either. Here’s the thing about flirting: In high school there was a girl with whom I had awesome chemistry with and we constantly flirted. It got so overt that people kept walking up to me and asking if we were dating. Well, I eventually decide she must like me and so I ask her out. Instead of a yes or no, she changes the subject on me. From then on we became less of friends. Also, this girl can be very cold when it comes to emotions. I know this because I’ve talked to her other friends and they all say the same thing. If you want her to open up emotionally, get her drunk.

With all that said, she’s never had a boyfriend. That simple fact has astounded many of those who know her. Believe me folks, it not just me looking through loving eyes when I tell you this girl is beautiful. The only thing is that not many guys have been able to get close to her. She’s got her defenses well in place.

So we go to the restaraunt where I bartend at and we sit down to eat. The waitresses all know me and immediately ask me if she is my girlfriend. To that question Ophelia says “Yeah! tell them you’re my boyfriend!”. So I do and then she makes up all these stories I can tell the waitresses about us and she finds it alot of fun. I’m thinking this is a good sign until I ask her, “Does’nt that gross you out? Thinking about dating me? (self-depricating humor is lost on her)”. She replies, “No, because I’m nice”. Don’t know what the hell that means. Maybe you guys (or hopefully gals) can interpret. Later on some people sitting next to us told us we made a great couple and she was just like “Ahh, thanks, we do”. Anyways she tells me she has alot of fun pretending that we’re dating so maybe that’s a good thing.

Anyways, no matter what happens. Someone please tell me how to get her out of my mind. I still don’t like losing control like this.

12

Hehe, about the foot thing. Maybe I’ll save that for another day. I just think it would be very difficult doing such a thing with a straight face. Maybe I oughtta start with just a hand on the shoulder or something.

13

I must be tired cause what I wrote did’nt make any sense. Ok, for anyone that cares, the girl I asked out in high school is different than the one I’m talking about now (Ophelia, let’s call her). Ophelia is the one who is cold when it comes to emotions. Ok. I think I got it. Man, unrequited love can just be one continuous punch in the dick, I’ll tell you that much.

14

First, it is love, its just not being in love. (The latter requires a return. The former can happen to you all by yourself.)

Second, talk to the girl, you never know until you ask. My newest relationship (I swear I’ll shut up about it any second now. Honest.) was sort of like that. I’ve known him on a just friends basis for over a year. In a group social dynamic that discourages hooking up with each other. And then we started hanging out constantly above and beyond the group. I’d go home from spending hours at his place watching movies and talking and sarcastically quote the line from Chasing Amy “So how was your psudo-date?”.

I knew he couldn’t be interested in me and I was just being lonely and silly. Right up until he actually touched me and then it was all over. And now I’m blissfully happy.

So go talk to her. Just try it. If you get shot down, so it goes. But you don’t know until you chat it out.

15

First of all - I agree - if you have feelings for her - you have to tell her. There is nothing worse than living a life where you have regrets. Always speak your mind, and be true to yourself. Even though thoughts of her go through your head, its YOU that YOU have to be with constantly.

Secondly, if you get it off your chest you may be able to move on quicker if the feelings are not shared. And just think, if the feelings ARE shared - you could have done this a while ago and you two could be in a relationship now.

My best advice…love like you’ve never been hurt, sing like no one is listening, and dance like no one is watching…

Good luck!

16

Um, I just have to ask - is she your ex-sister-in-law because your brother didn’t like you sucking his wife’s toes?

To the OP - I’ve been there, I can imagine how you feel. You should certainly talk to her about things. One of my very good friends expressed to me that he had feelings like that for me. I told him that a didn’t reciprocate in that way, but still cared about him very much. We are still very good friends, and that was more than 10 years ago. He has since moved on and had many girlfriends.

Hang in there - it hurts when you have a broken heart, but it will get better.

17

She initiated touching, and she gets upset when you talk about other girls. Now, I don’t know her personally, but in general these tend to be good signs that she is interested in you. I would say that you might have a better chance then you think.

Be sure to let us know how it works out.

18

Actually, it sounds like she is interested, sort of. Seems like she’s got some issues if she’s never dated, though. But the fact that she shows some emotions when you talk of other girls makes me think she has some feelings for you. If she wasn’t interested she probably would have acted more relieved when she found out you have other interests.

But…

If she’s the type that doesn’t really handle emotions very well (tends to lock them up), talking directly to about your feelings may notwork well. I strongly suggest turning up the charm, turning up the carefree confidence, and start flirting. Perhaps she’ll be more apt to express her feelings through action or re-action rather than words. It might work better if she “fell” into the pattern of being your girlfriend than to make her face the reality of it by accepting the definition.

But do be careful. I do feel like she has some issues about relationships that you haven’t discussed yet.

19

Hey thanks for all the replies. Good to know I’m not alone here.

Actually BoiToi, that was the plan for tonight. Since I’ve been back from college, I’ve been sort of a wounded soul. Sort of the opposite of the way I was in high school, where I had that sort of carefree confidence you speak of. She does seem to get alittle uncomfortable when I try to get her to open up with her emotions, so I figgure I’ll try the whole “cocky bastard” rouine tonight. Women seemed to respond better to it than my “heavy soul” persona. I still figgure I’m gonna try the “Ever think we should give dating a shot?” thing, but if the moment never comes up, I might abort. Damn, 22 years old and I still feel like a hormone-ridden teenager. Here’s hoping you guys are right about her maybe reciprocating my advances.

20

Good luck with this, Maple Syrup!

I understand the feeling, though, about unrequited love. I think the only worse feeling is being in love, having it returned, and then losing it. Eh…perhaps we’re all heavy souls on some days.

Life is ever, since man was born
Licking honey from a thorn.

I can’t remember who said that.

Tiburon