To those who suggest therapy … my OP was my “therapy”. I just had to finally say it “out loud”, after holding it in for so long. Before you can “let it go”, you have to acknowledge that there’s something you need to let go. And that’s what I was doing.
No, I’m not going to change churches. This is my family, after so long. I’ve been playing with the same other musicians for almost 20 years. That fact is one of the bright points in my life.
For the people who advocate talking to her: This is a girl whom the OP met when she was a child. A child! The dynamics of this situation are way fucking different than say a coworker you’ve had a crush on for five years and then finally muster up the courage to say something.
If you think that is adequate, that is your call to make. If so, then ok. But don’t say anything to her.
No dude, you need way more help than this board can offer. Sorry.
This is especially true if you’re adamant about staying at this church.
I don’t think the conversation has to go in that direction. I wouldn’t go there unless they managed to get married and then maybe on the 10th anniversary mention it.
It would be fine to ask if she’d like to get coffee, then explore if she might like to go see a movie. He could say that he enjoys talking to her.
He doesn’t have to go into “I’ve watched you for a long time and you’re not a little girl any more” with a patented CreepyDude drool and mustache stroking.
Yes. That’s the approach I was thinking of too.
Shakes, I love you, man, but … reactionary much? She was not a “child”. She was “under age”. She was barely under the age of consent in my state. Not that that matters. My interest in her was/is not sexual. OTOH, you are completely correct in that it would be remarkably stupid for me to tell her I’ve been in love with her since she was 15. She’s perfectly aware of our age difference, and given that she’s a school teacher now, I suspect she wouldn’t have any trouble doing the math to figure out how old I was when she was 15.
I have no plans to say anything about this to her.
But … I don’t even wear a mustache …
I think these type of infatuations are hard to get over because if you never actually get in a relationship with someone, you never get to know them well enough to find out about their annoying habits or other incompatible traits.
It is very easy to idealize someone from a distance, since most people don’t put their gross/annoying/etc. habits on display for the general public.
The girl is engaged. The OP has held onto this unhealthy crush for 15+ years. And you’re basically advocating he attempt to go out with this girl under the guise of “we’re just friends”. His intentions are duplicit and his respect for this woman’s relationship with her very REAL boyfriend is non existent.
Seriously, after all the feminist threads I’ve read on this board, this one hits all the markers on what NOT to fucking do, and here you ladies are suggesting he do the very thing so many of you ladies bitched about in previous threads.
Amazing.
You clearly groove on the dynamic as it stands, or it would not have continued this long. You can’t speak to her of this, even though you are both mature adults now because it would end this dynamic instantly. She would shut you done and pass this off with a laugh. And that would end your fantasy, long held, of unrequited love, pure and enduring, an maginary ideal.
You have been, and continue to, play a childish game that is usually only seen in junior high. But it obviously does something for you.
You should consider examining more closely why an unobtainable, idealized, non relationship has such a hold on you for all these years. And now you’re sorta of boasting on it to people highly unlikely to be receptive.
Something to think about. Especially in regards to not actually having any real relationships, through those years.
Good Luck!
How old she used to be doesn’t matter. She’s old enough now. Either tell her how you feel and deal with the likely rejection or keep quiet, those are your choices. I’d suggest forget about it, it can’t possibly work out even if for some reason she’s interested.
The “church” aspect of this is one of the worst parts. Conservative churches (sexually conservative) are a perfect breeding ground for this sort of problem. They are so in denial about sexual desire that sad situations like this, that only get worse as time passes, often never come to light, or only in destructive ways.
IMHO, anyway.
I’ve often wondered about this sort of thing. If there is something in people that fall head over heels in unrequited love, and sustain it for this long. I mean, I’ve fallen in lust over people, and even strong feelings, but I’ve never been in love with someone I can’t have. Never. Love isn’t a moment’s grace, maybe that’s why, not to me anyway. Love to me is coming up on nineteen years together,dealing with each other’s faults and hard times.
I guess it’s easy to fall for a kind heart, but I should point out as the old adage goes, no matter how amazing she is, someone, somewhere, is sick of putting up with her shit. 
But I agree, desiring an unobtainable relationship over all says something about you. I don’t mean that in a harsh way. I just mean that you should examine yourself thoroughly. “The unexamined life is not worth living.”
This. I’ve gotten over infatuations by befriending people, and finding out, hey, they’re people! Then the relationship becomes more equal. Rather than pedestaling. I dare say people have gotten over me the same way. (:()
What’s wrong here is stalking. What’s wrong here is putting a woman on a pedestal and being all “nice guy syndrome” about it.
We’re advocating the exact opposite of his bad behavior. An honest conversation with an equal adult, to get things out in the open instead of keeping some sick fantasy going. Or do you think this woman needs protection from Rik?
elbow’s post is spot on.
Great post.
These days, I find that a) I fall in lust more than love, and b) if I do start to “pedestal” a guy, a long weekend together takes care of that (I don’t share bathrooms well.).
After being smacked in the face with the metaphorical dead fish, I can move on like an adult.
YMMV, of course.
Mister Rik, speaking as someone who has some experiences that overlap with yours, a few thoughts -
You brushed off the suggestions of seeking therapy, I strongly urge you to take these suggestions seriously. With all due respect, celibate for 20 years and in love with an unobtainable target for much of that time are very serious symptoms of having trouble in your life. Now, you are a longtime active church member, maybe the therapy can begin with your pastor/priest? Think about it. Then after you’ve thought about it for a while, do it.
Unless she’s a moron, she knows.
She has a fiancee,…who is in the military. Hmmm, so, just maybe they would not be happy if you made a move. And just maybe they would do something about it. (I am in no way saying all military people are violent grunts…)
You are currently in a long term emotional relationship - with your intense feelings of unrequited love. This relationship provides you with a lot of pleasure (along with the pain). If you told the object of your affections, and by some miracle she married you tomorrow, you would be forced to end this current relationship (the one with your intense feelings of unrequited love.) You would be at risk of going through all of the stages of loss - as with a level of intensity equal to your current intense feelings. Think about it.
The most likely scenario if you told her is that you will be very disappointed, and deeply deeply ashamed, and that you would not be welcome in any kind of friendship any longer. One, or both, of you would have to find a different church.
So, going back to the beginning of my response - you need to fix this, and you are clearly not capable of doing it without some professional help. It’s going to take time and effort, but the alternative is not a pretty sight.
No, you have not. You are “in love” with your idealized vision of her. You only know a tiny fraction of who she is. Because you are attracted to this tiny fraction, you have extrapolated this attraction to the rest of her and assume the rest of who she is will be similarly attractive.
As an analogy, if I come across a politician or pundit who shares my views on, say, same sex marriage, LGBTQ rights and the separation of church and state, I can’t automatically assume we agree on, say, immigration policy, gun rights and alternative energy sources. And this is especially true if I avoid listening to/reading about their views on any other issues besides SSM, LGBTQ issues and the separation of church and state.
Quoting to emphasize:
And under no circumstances should he show up in a white, nondescript van!
But you’re not letting it go. You’re planning on buying new buttons for your chef coats and taking them to her and watching her sew them on while making puppy eyes at her when she’s not looking.