So here’s the story:
I am happily engaged with a man I love very much. A few years ago my fiance (then boyfriend) and I broke up for a month and I dated a very nice guy with whom I have much in common. When my fiance and I got back together, the guy wanted to remain friends. I felt like this was like trying to put toothpaste back in the tube, and made excuses for why I couldn’t spend time with him. Still over the last few years, the guy continues to email me every few months to try and keep in touch. I am starting to feel that now that time has passed, I could be “just friends” with the guy, and I’m thinking of taking him up on his most recent offer to have some coffee and chat. However, I know I would feel weird hanging out with him and my fiance at the same time. Partly because of our history and partly because they don’t have much in common. This makes me wonder if getting together with this guy is not such a good idea. I have a lot of guy friends, and my fiance has no problem with that. But all of my guy friends are good friends with my fiance as well. My fiance does not know the history I have with the guy, but he does know that there is a guy who wants to be friends with me. I can tell my fiance’s not too keen on the idea, but he says its my decision whether or not to befriend him. What do y’all think? Should I continue to avoid the guy? If I do decide to spend time with him, how should I handle things with my fiance? Do I just say, “I’m having coffee with a friend” or “I’m having coffee with that guy”?
If you liked the guy (and I’m assuming you did because you went out) then why not take him at face value? If he wants to just be friends great. It IS possible (I’m friends with nearly all my x’s and actually they’re all very close friends).
But how do you feel about him? No urges beneath the surface? If not, then make contact again. At the very worst they guy could make a play for you in which case you rebuff him and banish him forever. He may truly just want to be a friend and we can never have enough of those.
I’m going to skip my usual male-bashing* and just disagree with what dpr said. Stay away from this guy. You are engaged, not married or dead. He thinks he still has a chance with you.
But the Strine might be right, though. He’s definitely right asking you to look inside yourself before making any moves.
Hey, dpr, why is it that with all the women on this board Mirth gets advice from us?
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- I am father of three daughters. I remember being younger. Therefore, I am suspicious of any guy’s intentions.
**drop ** I’m not sure. grin And I’m not sure she’s not somehow losing out here…
I understand what drop is getting at. Most males would be harbouring ‘impure thoughts’ in this situation and I was remiss in not pointing out you should proceed with caution. However where we disagree is that I believe he should receive the benefit of the doubt. Innocent until proven guilty.
As I said you can always banish him later. He may indeed just want your friendship. He may have matured to the point where platonic friendship with a member of the other gender is possible. Who knows? Certainly not us…
But once again (“the proof is complete if only you’ve uttered it thrice”) look inside yourself first and be completely honest.
It should be pointed out though that I am NOT the father of anyone yet so haven’t developed the paranoia levels of others who shall remain nameless. Instead I’m a romantic idealist - a much more dangerous proposition. Maybe you should stick to drop’s advice.
I, as a 34 year old male, agree with Drop. Stay away from this guy.
When a man “just wants to be friends” with you after a break up, it is because he thinks that he can get you thru sheer persistance.
No real man believes in the “just be friends” thing. That is why we get so cheesed off when women propose it. The only time it works for us is when we think we still have a chance…
Female opinion! Can’t let dpr and dropzone have all the fun…
Mirth, I think it’s great that you want to be friends with your ex. I’m friends with my exes, and those friendships are among my best.
That said, I’d definitely go for the coffee and chat. I’d tell my fiancé I was going, of course, and I’d also tell him that I used to date the guy. Your fiancé sounds like a mature and understanding guy, so hopefully he won’t object to you meeting your ex. If he does object, though, I think you should respect your fiancé’s feelings and not meet him.
If you do end up going for the coffee with your ex, keep tabs on the mood. If it ever feels like he’s trying to cross the boundaries of friendship, you can always cut the outing short. I would prefer to be more optimistic about your ex’s intentions, but I’ve gone out on what I thought were “friendship only” “dates” that turned out to be more serious than I thought.
He could genuinely want to be friends, though, so that possibility deserves a chance. He does know you’re engaged to your fiancé, right?
This could get sticky. Handle with care.
As a sometimes-sleazy guy, that’s a damned good question.
feels deflated
I disagree (again). It CAN be done and without much difficulty. My best friend in the whole world is an ex-gf. The only thing getting in the way of exes becoming friends is a) insecurities &/or b) self-centered greed (lust goes under this category).
I’ll summarise my position: Mirth has nothing or little to lose by going along if she does so honestly. If he looks for more then sayonara!! But if he doesn’t maybeshe can gain a close friend.
Do not lie to your fiancé!! Don’t even tell him that you are going out for coffee with “someone”. Tell him that the person you are chatting with is this ex of yours. I cannot stress that enough.
As for even going out at all, go for it. If your man isn’t comfortable with it, explain to him that you would like to be friends with this person but that your heart is still with him. If he still isn’t comfortable with it, ask him along. Of course it’d be weird, but you might help create a lasting friendship between your man and this other guy. Be sure to let this other guy know your man will be joining you. (Assuming he knows you’re engaged. If he doesn’t know you’re taken, don’t see him at all.)
Thanks for all the advice.
It is really helpful to get some other people’s opinions.
Just to answer some questions you’ve asked-- I definitely don’t have any desire to be more than just friends with the guy. And yes, he knows that I am engaged. I think I’ve made it fairly clear to him that nothing more is going to go on than friendship-- I felt bad enough about rebounding on him during my short-lived breakup; I didn’t want to lead him on a second time-- but ya can never tell with men. Sometimes no matter how clear you think you are being they don’t get it.
“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”
dropzone- You? Sleazy? I’ll never believe it.
dpr- I agree wholeheartedly with what you said about exes being friends.
Mirth- I hope things turn out well for all three of you.
Mirth, what if your fiance’s old girlfriend came in the picture and he wants to spend time alone with her. How are you going to feel about that?
You realize of course this goes both ways. Stick around this board long enough and you’ll experience your share of misinterpretations here.
I agree with dpr; I think it is possible for you to be just friends, you just need to explain in exact terms that “this does not mean there is a relationship and there will be no relationship, just so we’re clear on that” or something to that effect. (Saying, “just friends” is not enough sometimes if someone has feelings for you.) Do not do anything that could possibly lead him on, and be honest with your fiance. For the health of your current relationship, obviously you need to place strict limits on how much time you spend with your ex, and you’ll want to make sure the ex knows this.
Things could go either way, but I’d recommend giving him the benefit of the doubt unless you’ve got suspicions that he has other intentions.
I have answered this thread three different times, deleting my post each time. It comes down to one word:
DON’T
Zette
(please take my word for this)
The stories I could tell, but won’t…
However, if I ever finish my strip joint account you’ll be one of the first to get it. Only people I know and trust will be sent it–a little too iffy if in the wrong hands, even with the names changed, to post here.
Another male says no…
I think it is a bad Idea. First reason: No matter what a guy says, He cannot be "Just friends " with a woman that they do now OR EVER HAVE had romantic thoughts about. It just does not work.
Second: If you have to ask for advice on the subject, you already know it is wrong. Especially in relationships.
Third: Your Fiancée will NEVER fully trust you to be alone with the guy. It will always be in the back of his head, bothering him. He is a guy, and I am sure he has attempted to “bird dog” a girl away from another guy. He will subconsciously see that pattern and never be comfortable.
Say “Thanks for the invite” and walk away.
I think that there’s probably no harm in going for coffee with this guy and re-establishing some sort of relationship. My question is, what’s the point? I think that if there’s even the slightest chance that this might be confusing to you, the ex, or your fiance, or that any problem whatsoever might come of it, it might be worth it just to forget it. Yeah, you’re all probably mature enough to handle it, but you never know when someone’s going to freak out (your ex might decide you smiled at him a little differently the last time you had coffee, so obviously, you’re in love with him, etc.).
I think it would be a different story if this was someone with whom you had a special, deep friendship or if it was extremely important to you to re-establish something with this guy. In that case, it might be worth the potential trouble. For a superficial, once-in-awhile coffee date, though, it just seems unnecessary.
Well no woman I know ever tried to decide who I can & can’t see. Ive been friends with women who were more than friends before. As a matter of fact I still see a lot of them & I would see any of them if they were around or want to write email, etc.
What does your internal radar say? does this guy really seem like he only wants to be friends?
Either way, tell your fiancee the truth: You don’t want something like this biting you in the ass later.
Finish? 
Any pictures? 
Oh, dropzone, you’ll always be a dear in my book.
Mirth: If going on this coffee thing is stressing you out, then I think it’s best to just forget about it. Keeping the relationship restricted to e-mail might be a good idea.
BTW, could you clarify something for me? Were you planning to meet your ex with or without your fiancé there? I wasn’t sure, because you first said that it’d be weird being around your fiancé and your ex at the same time, but your last sentence implies you’d be seeing him alone.