A few years ago, I became friends with a woman at my gym. We would sometimes work out together or have conversations in the locker room, we exchanged e-mail addresses and phone numbers and occasionally hung out outside of the gym. About eight months later, I met and started dating a man who is now my fiance.
Fast forward two years to today. This friend and my fiance are better friends than I am. They have each other’s phone numbers and will text each other frequently (he’s been helping her land a job where he works), and if she wants to get together she’ll text him instead of me. When we do get together, it’s getting less and less fun because the two of them have a ton of common interests, and they’ll pretty much monopolize the conversation to talk about these interests, even though I’ve mentioned a few times that it can be awkward when they do that. They will occasionally hang out without me, although it’s only because they like to go shooting together and I don’t like shooting.
However, this friend is not interested in men. She likes women, and (aside from when they go shooting) whenever we hang out it’s at her house along with her girlfriend. Her girlfriend is super-easy going, and I don’t think their friendship bothers her at all. On my end of things, I was never really close with this girl to begin with, she was more someone to hang out with than to have heart-to-heart conversations with. But, well, hanging out with them just isn’t as much fun as it used to be.
Anyways, I’m just not sure what a reasonable reaction to a situation like this is, so I was just wondering how you all would react.
I think the fact that this woman isn’t interested in men would make a big difference to me. Otherwise, I’d be much more unhappy about it. I’d probably get quite annoyed with the conversations about stuff I’m not interested in, especially if I had already mentioned it a few times. I used to have a girlfriend who would do that and it drove me crazy, especially when I saw that telling her made no difference. It would often put me in a bad mood that was hard to shake, even though I didn’t want to be bothered by it, and was probably a significant part of why that relationship ended.
Because she’s gay it wouldn’t bother me in the least. I would think of her the same way I think of any of his guy friends. Just a buddy he likes to hang out with.
How would you feel if you weren’t the one to introduce your fiancee and your friend? If he met her via a different channel and was just a good female friend of his?
They obviously hit it off and have a lot in common - so doesn’t seem surprising that they have more to talk about than you have. It’s a problem being a third wheel and that’s something they should be aware of, but the question boils down to “Do you object to them being friends whether you’re around or not?” I can’t think of a real reason why you would object to this friendship - what do you think is bothering you?
His being closer to her than you are is slightly surprising, but not something to be jealous about, even if she were straight or bi.
If she were closer to him than you are, that would be worrying, even with her being gay - not because she might snatch him away, but because it would highlight potential issues in your relationship with him…as well as probably making them worse, since that would suggest she were taking up a lot more of his time than you were.
I think the fact that I introduced them does make it worse. If they met on their own, she’d be a friend, plain and simple. Instead, it’s like I had a friend and he took her away from me.
I guess what bothers me is that I had fun hanging out with/talking to her, and of course I love being around my fiance, but put them together and I get to sit there while they have the fun.
I have seen this happen quite often with some woman who has a gay friend, or many gay friends, getting a boyfriend and he being somewhat left out in conversations and probably feeling like a third wheel.
Part of it is common interests (like the two of them like shooting) and simply relating on a different level. Those women loved their boyfriends, but they still liked to go to clubs or just meet for lunch or see foreign movies or other things their boyfriends were probably not all that keen to do.
Do you get the vibe that your fiance is attracted to her? That would be the problem for me. Even if she’s not into men, your guy could still be into her. I’m guessing the answer to that is yes, or at least maybe, or else you wouldn’t be bothered. Instead of assuming you’re neurotic, why not assume your intuition is picking up on something and get to the bottom of it?
It’s a fine line between being controlling and being too easy going. If I was in your position to be perfectly blunt about it, it would matter to me how attractive she was. Men will hang out with attractive lesbians (if the lesbians are willing) in part because they just dig being around attractive women, plus if she has a great sense of humor and you are more staid that could be another connection.
If he’s making LOTS of time for her I think you have reason to be concerned not so much from the sexual angle but more the emotional relationship aspects. If he’s spending just a little time with her you are probably being controlling and unreasonable, if it’s more time than with you, you need to reconfigure the relationship.
Plus if the sitcom logic rules come into play she and her SO will eventually want his sperm for their child and THEN where will you be?
I don’t think jealousy or insecurity is playing into this; I think your fiancé and your friend are being rude, and that’s what’s bothering you (and nobody enjoys being the odd one out). My husband is very much into sports, as are his friends and his father. When they get together and talk sports in front of me for an hour at a time, it’s just really fricking boring for me.
I’m trying to picture how I would react if my husband met a new (male) friend and they became fast friends, texting each other and hanging out together and turning me into a third wheel - jeeze, that is a tough one. Of course he has his own friends and does things with them without me, but if I felt that a friendship was starting to come before our relationship, we’d have to figure something out.
I agree with this wholeheartedly. Her being gay doesn’t make a difference. If it’s troubling you because your fiance is closer to this other person than they are to you, that’s a problem with your relationship.
It’s great for people in relationships to have their own friends and close relationships with other people, healthy in fact. But when it starts interfering with your own relationship, whether it’s sexual or not is bad.
He’s not attracted to her. I think my only issue is that it’s awkward to be on the “outside” of a friendship. They are in the same line of work, so they have a lot to talk about that I can’t participate in. He has loads of friends like this, but it feels different somehow because she was my friend first and now he’ll be the one telling me that she wants to know our plans for the weekend. Oh and for the record, they’re not getting emotionally intimate or anything. They really just talk about work-related stuff in their texts. I’m only jealous in the sense that I wish I could participate in their conversations more.
Okay, I still think they’re being rude, then. It would be like hanging out with two people who speak a language you don’t speak, and they spend the whole night talking in that language and leaving you out.
I agree, it’s rude. It appears that they just aren’t considering how you feel in this situation.
When you just as well may not be there, then you may just as well…not be there. Leave and find something else to do. Avoid having the three of you get together. Ideally they’ll get the message and modify their behavior so you don’t feel ignored and left out when they’re both around. Worst case distance will form between you and either or both of them, but better to have that revealed before getting married.
That’s a good point. While I don’t want to be passive aggressive, I do think there could be some value in saying “I don’t have much fun when we all get together, so why don’t you go ahead without me?”
