My fiance and my friend getting close; how to react?

I think the issue with the other friend is a side note to the larger issue. Is your relationship with your fiance really all that great? Is this the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with? By your admission, you don’t have a lot of common interests. You don’t seem like best friends. You evidently have communication issues if you’re asking people on a message board instead of him what’s going on.

If you remove the friend from the equation, is everything now great with the fiance?

You should tell your fiancé how you feel. It may not be rational to be bothered by their closeness, but that doesn’t mean you should just suck it up and do nothing. As long as you broach the subject in a calm, non-accusatory fashion, he should be willing to at least hear you out.

Not expressing yourself is compounding the problem because it’s leaving it up to him to read your mind, and it’s making you feel even more sidelined.

From the OP (bolding mine): “When we do get together, it’s getting less and less fun because the two of them have a ton of common interests, and they’ll pretty much monopolize the conversation to talk about these interests, even though I’ve mentioned a few times that it can be awkward when they do that.”

No, my fiance and I have a good relationship. If it weren’t good, I’d probably posting with a more serious grievance than how well he gets along with my friends. We have things in common, we just don’t have work in common like he and my friend do.

Regarding communication issues and talking to my fiance about it … I have mentioned that I don’t like it, but in a more light-hearted way than a serious way (e.g., “Okay, can we talk about something else now?” as opposed to “No seriously, this really bothers me.”).

The reason I turned to a message board is just because I wanted a sounding board to see if I was being unreasonable. I’d rather figure out if I’m being unreasonable before I have a serious discussion with him than have people say “You fucked up” after I bring it up.

I think it merits a serious discussion. Sometimes gentle or lighthearted comments don’t really register.

I’d leave out the ‘I don’t have much fun when we all get together…’ part.
It sounds self-pitying. I’m all for self-pity, but, I’m 100% against sounding that way.
And, if you get stuck with the two of them again, grab your phone, look at, say “Damn! I have to leave! Check you all later”, and take off. If you’re in an uncomfortable situation, no need to stay there to please two people who aren’t interested in including you.

You did right in doing so. There is nothing wrong with using a message board instead of a psychologist or best friend/confidant to get insights into your relationships.

I was wrong. It *doesn’t *sound too self-pitying. It wouldn’t hurt to say this.

That was a quick change of heart! I did think it was a good point, though. I’ll probably just use context clues to figure out what needs to get said, and what either can be left unsaid or goes without saying.

What upsets you more - the fact that your friend likes your fiance more than she likes you (ie are you jealous of your fiance)? Or the fact that your husband likes your friend (ie are you jealous of your friend)?

Oh hmm, I actually hadn’t considered that question. But now that I consider it, it definitely bothers me more that my friend likes my fiance more than she likes me. I get plenty of quality time with and attention from my fiance, but when my friend keeps texting him to make plans instead of me, and just seeming more interested in his life than mine, that bothers me more. So maybe the solution is to actually hang out with her without him - what an interesting twist!

I disagree that it’s rude for them to talk about their interests when you’re out as a group of three. If it were a larger group of people, or you were all going out for the first time together, then yes the conversation should be general and inclusive. But at a certain point you have to let friends be themselves and talk to each other naturally. My husband has many friends that he will talk endlessly with, about music and food and other topics that don’t interest me that much. It doesn’t bother me because I’m free not to go out with him when he meets up with these people, and honestly he would say as much if I were to bring it up.

I can see why it’s weird that you were the one who met this person first, but that said, you were never very close with this person, she was more a casual friend. The friendship could have just as well died out naturally, instead your fiance has a new friend who you get along with too.

So yeah, I think letting them go out on their own is the best way to go, and you may have more fun when you do join them if you give them a chance to get their shared-interest chatter out of the way.

Talking naturally when you’ve invited someone else should include that other person. Otherwise why did you invite them?

In fact, I’d find it more justifiable in a larger group, as that’s when people tend to start kinda doing their own thing. A group of 5, for example, will almost always have two conversations going. But, in that case, no one is actually being left out.

What you are describing sounds less like a get together with three people and more like you just tagging along while your husband is out with a friend. That’s fine when it’s your husband’s friend, but it’s weird when you’re supposed to be friends with both people. One is inviting the husband + 1, while the other is inviting both people.

I wondered if that might be the case. It sounds like you have a solid relationship with your fiance. So perhaps you just need to be a bit more forward about organising some girl stuff with your friend. :slight_smile:

I was in there, too, and neither one of you even said “hello.” Sheesh. :wink:

Sorry - first round’s on me next time we’re all in there. :smiley: