So recently I’ve developed a slight spark of interest in a certain lady friend of mine. She’s cute, I’m single and so is she, so I figure “ask her out.” One problem though: she has some history with another guy in my circle of friends.
I know this question depends on many variables so I won’t go too far into the details (unless you really want to know them), but I’d just like to get some opinions/experiences with this type of situation. Good? Bad?
It depends on a number of variables, but I’m tipping towards bad. Being an assbandit could ruin a friendship.
Does “another guy in my circle of friends” mean “best friend”?
Does “some history” mean “some bad history”?
Two yes’s: Forget about it.
One yes and one no: Maybe. Talk it over with him first, or be prepared to lose the friendship.
Two no’s: Go for it.
Friend or acquaintance? If the former, I’d not go for it unless it’s a good friend you can ask their feelings on beforehand.
Who was the winner and who was the loser in their breakup?
If they were never an official item then why?
A friend of mine dated a girl for several months and then she cheated on him. They broke up. Months later she and I hit it off but I didn’t pursue it. Not because she cheated before or because she had dated a friend, but because she cheated on my friend. I would have looked foolish to my other friends and a jerk to this friend since he had really cared for her before the break up.
Don’t do it. There’s plenty of other single ladies out there who won’t cause so much drama in your life.
Is she still considered part of your circle of friends? As far as I’m concerned, as long as there’s no simmering hatred on the part of either of them toward the other, make your move. That was the situation with me. Friend broke up with a girl, but they had dated long enough that she was considered part of the group, and kept hanging out. Nobody had any hard feelings. One night we were all out at a club and she and I just sort of ‘happened’, and dated for a few months after that.
No ill effects in any direction.
In general it’s a no-no, but it depends on how close you are to the friend and how serious their relationship was. Either way you need to discuss it with him before you make any moves on her.
The rule is appropriate amount of time to wait = (number of weeks they went out) ^ 2
eg: If they went out 3 weeks, you should wait about 2 months before you’re allowed to make your move, if they went out for 3 months, you should wait 3 years.
Rule? There is no rule. It is based on too many variables, how close you are to your friend, how bad was the breakup, etc. Bottom line, if you don’t think your friend would be cool with it stay away unless you don’t wnat him as a freind any longer.
If your friend has moved on and is in another relationship, and on good terms with the girl you are interested in, I say go for it.
I know I am in the minority but I hate the idea that people are “off limits” because of someone they are no longer connected too. People can not claim other people.
I personally would not want a friend of mine losing out on a potentially great relationship because I tried it first and it didn’t work. If you think about it dating an ex’s friend makes sense. You are friends so you must have some things in common, and maybe it’s those common factors that he/she are attracted to. The friends would also be different so maybe they would not have the qualities that broke up the prior relationship.
People need to stop acting like teenagers when it comes to relationships and realize that just because you found it first does not mean it’s yours.
Friend groups differ. Personally, I’d never do it. Not because of any weird ideas of “claiming” the girl like Ludy suggests, but because lingering feelings can definitely cause problems. I value my pre-existing, solidified friendships more than the chance at a relationship.
That said, I know tons of incestuous groups whom have pretty much dated/slept with everyone else. Usually, you get a feel for it by watching the way others behave, but if a situation like this never came up, I suppose you could be a pioneer!
It’s not a question of claiming other people. It’s a question of whether somebody else has the right to bring something that makes you uncomfortable into your group space.
If you had a relationship that ended badly, and didn’t want to see your ex again, do you not think it would bother you if somebody started bringing your ex around all the time?
On the other hand, “don’t date people’s exes” as a rule of thumb is stupid, because IME that’s probably the second most common way relationships start. (#1 of course being relationships with friends of friends).
Scotty, if their relationship ended well, then ask him how he’d feel about it. I would say that if there’s no ill feeling between them he’s probably being a baby if he objects, but I’d honor his wishes anyway. If he doesn’t object, you’re in the clear.
I was out with a friend and his ex came up and talked to us at our table. There was an immediate attraction between the two of us and it was apparently obvious. When the ex left the table, my friend turned to me and said “if you get EX’s number, lose mine as I don’t wanna hear about it when you’re dumped”. Nuff said for me.
Don’t do it. Life is not a sitcom where you only have so many characters to go around.
ok a little background I guess
she’s 21. I’m 23. The other guy in question and her went out in high school and I think they slept together off and on the last couple years. One thing I noticed at a party recently is they didn’t speak with one another, so they’re probably not on good terms.
I’ve always had a thing for her and I think she’s had one for me too. The other guy and me are more like acquaintances and I’m cool with him and all but probably wouldn’t miss him if I didn’t see him anymore. Problem is I know I will since he’s good friends with my good friends.
But it’s been too long since I’ve had a girl in my life and I know they say there is plenty of other girls in the world but I’m not finding them.
I’m with Ludy,
I say go for it. Ownership of people is stupid. Sure it might hurt your friend a little but guess what? Pain is just a fact of life. The good side of pain is it helps us grow as people. If your friend is hurt by this, he’ll learn soon enough, that, he’s hurt NOT because he feels you betrayed him but because he was feeling insecure about himself as a person. Once he gains his confidence back (or finds it, if he never had it to begin with) The hurt will go away and all will be good with the universe.
To me, signing a person off means NOT allowing that person to affect your life in anyway what so ever. Which includes not getting into a twist if your EX starts dating your friends.
Done is Done! DAMMIT!!
Is he single or dating someone? Does he wish to continue or reignite a fling with said maiden?
If he is single and still likes this chick it could be a problem, naturally. If he isn’t single its no big deal.
More info needed befor I give it a yey or nay
He’s single. I know that. I don’t know how he feels about her though because he’s more of like a casual friend to me and we’ve never talked about it.
On the surface, I don’t think it will cause problems because I don’t think he’d say anything. But deep down, I think he might be pissed.