I’ve always been schieved-out by couples who hang out, then both couples break up and they proceed to swap partners. Am I the only one who finds this kind of behaviour deplorable, socially?
I understand the heart wants what the heart wants, but out of respect for my friend, I would never date his ex on general principle. Lots of fish in the sea.
Looking back on the dating scene of my youth from my ancient age of 45, I think there’s nothing wrong with people hooking up with or dating their friends’ exes. One of the purposes of dating is to try on different people to see what fits. Even if all there is is an attraction with no likelihood of a long-term relationship, I have no problem with it. I dated a couple of my friends’ exes, and a few of my guy friends dated some of mine. I was more amused by it than anything.
If the ex was your friend’s love of their life and they’ve been heartbroken over the breakup, thinking it would have led to marriage and baby in a babycarriage, that’s different. I think more respect should be shown to the guy or girl who is still recovering from the split. But if their relationship wasn’t quite that serious, have at it.
Nobody owes you any respectful distance from some unreciprocated crush. Dating a friend’s ex from a serious relationship or marriage seems pretty unacceptable to me. If it’s just someone you dated a few times then it’s awfully territorial to try and claim they’re off limits.
As long as both couples broke up healthily, why not? Though I’ve never seen exactly what you reference; both couples swapping partners. But look at it this way. I trust my best friend, I love her. So if she breaks up with a man, not because he was a jerk or anything, but because they weren’t that compatible, but she says he is basically a nice guy, why wouldn’t I trust her judgment? I would probably check with her first to make sure it was OK, of course.
Shrug, The Bestest Boyfriend dated and lived with a friend of mine years after we’d broken up, with my blessing. At one point when TBB and I were together, someone remarked that another friend (let’s call her Pam), her bf (Paul) and TBB and me were cross-matched (Paul and me, and Pam and TBB, would have been much more evident matches); if we’d lived in the same town it would have been pretty believable for the pairs to get rearranged (the things I had in common with TBB were the same ones we had in common with Pam and Paul).
And as for crushes, maybe me and my friends were all super reasonable or something, but while we were on the “crushing” stage we all had it pretty clear that the field was open and the game was “first grabs, first gets”, not “first sees, first gets”. You don’t poach a taken guy, but a crush isn’t any more taken than a blouse hanging on the rack in a store, and if several of us liked the same guy, what would have been unacceptable is us deciding he had to date the one who’d seen him first. Dudes, unlike blouses, can choose.
It’s always seemed off to me, to the point that I pretty naturally just don’t feel any attraction toward the ex of a friend. For instance, one of my best friends dated a girl for a number of years and eventually broke up when he moved out of the country. Despite that her and I actually had more in common than they did, got along really well, she was attractive, and he even encouraged that we should date, neither of us really saw the other as more than a friend.
That all said, I don’t think an ex or a crush should be inherently off limits. What’s important is to make sure that everyone involved is going to be comfortable with it. If, for instance, one wants to date one’s best friend’s ex, not that the friend should really have veto power over one’s love life, but if it could make them uncomfortable enough that hanging out together could be a problem, it’s something to take into consideration. In my above scenario, if something had developed between her and me, my friend was obviously okay with it and I would have talked to her about it, and that would have been enough.
If you immediately go after your friend’s ex, yeah, that’s a little skeevy. Waiting a month or so? No big, especially if the break-up was amiable (‘we just weren’t compatible’ vs ‘she was cheating on me with half the neighborhood!’)
However, I would never date someone a cousin or sibling dated.
I’m trying to figure out how this works among couples who are each others best friends. Does this mean masturbation is now forbidden?
Need answer fast!
I think I have a huge ‘ick’ response to a lot of dating situations.
If I knew a friend had a huge crush on a guy I would not date that guy out of respect for my friends feelings, whether those feelings were reciprocated or not.
Boyfriends and husbands of friends and family are off limits - period. If they breakup that status doesn’t change, they are still off limits.
I *know *it isn’t incest but it feels like it to me.
I was seeing a man who told me that he’d been in a relationship with one of my friends from the past. It made me queasy. I really don’t want to be intimate with someone who was intimate with one of my friends.
I won’t date the friends of exs. That is just creepy to me, and I really hate the thought of them getting together and comparing notes.
Two of my friends husbands brothers got divorced and married each others ex-wives. Can you imagine what that did to the kids, now their cousins are their half brothers and sisters?
Her brother ran off with her other brothers wife, made for some very unpleasant family gatherings.
You have to wonder WTF are these people thinking.
Even my SO, his daughters mothers ex-husband is living with his sons mother. Everybody knows everybody else and they are all in each others business. It’s constant drama and gossip. I feel like I’m on the outside and most of the time I’m glad I am.
Unless you live in a very small town with no other options, I don’t know why anybody would want to be involved with people who have been involved with other people you know.
Maybe I’m just weird.
If it was only casual dating it’s a little different.
I met a guy in college that I dated a few times. He came to me and said he really liked my best friend and would I be upset if he took her out. She came to me as well and asked if it would upset me. I thought it was really cool of them to be upfront about it and to be considerate of my feelings. I didn’t mind, I only dated him a few times and I thought they were a good match. I was sorry it didn’t work out between them.
I have a few particular exes and crushes that have “stayed with me” in my head and/or heart, for better or worse. If a friend started a relationship with one of them, it would make me feel absolutely 100% shitty. I wish it didn’t, there’s no overwhelmingly good reason that I should feel that way, and I would probably even give the OK go-ahead despite my feelings, just to retain the facade of a sane person. But I’d still feel shitty.
I also have exes and crushes that don’t matter at all to me, and everything in between. Basically, I would make damn sure my friend is okay with my seeing their ex or crush, and if not, would back away – even if their negative reaction seems unreasonable. Yes, backing away will make me grumpy, but risking a friendship over a stirring in one’s loins is silly.
Depends, how hot is she?
Ex is debatable, depending on closeness of the friendship and time of the relationship. Crush? that is utterly ridiculous.
When I was in my twenties, one of my friends, we’ll call him Jeffbo, was like a gateway drug for various women. He’d date these women for a while, then break up, and they’d end up dating another of our friends. Three different women that I know of, and one of them ended up dating at least two of his friends. Actually, our friend Jonbo first dated Jeffbo’s sister, then ended up married to one of Jeffbo’s ex girlfriends.
There were LOTS of crude jokes, but I don’t know that anyone was exactly offended over it.
You can date a girl that one of your friends went out with once or twice.
You CANNOT date a friend’s ex-girlfriend, period.
Bros before hos, man. Bros before hos.
Oh for crying out loud. Who’s business is it who you do or don’t date?
If I had let that bother me I would have missed the best 35 years of my life.
When the relationship is over, the relationship is over, and you no longer have any more control over who dates your ex than who dates a random stranger on the street.
I once was friends with a girl who was dating my ex-BF. She tried to make me promise that, if they ever broke up, I wouldn’t hook up with him again. I was like - what the hell? Why would it be any of your business at that point? And isn’t that more than a little a bit hypocritical?
In my teens and twenties, pretty much all of my friends dated each other in varying combination. Sometimes someone would bring in a sweetie from outside the social group, and after they got to know us and the relationship had run its course, they too would start dating within the group.
But no, nobody’s “off-limits” unless they’re currently in a monogamous relationship.
This is important because it can knock six months off the highly regulated by law time period: zero months for a crush, three months for a girlfriend, six months for a fiancee, and a year for an ex-wife. And the proper answer to any objections is, “Fuck you. You had your chance.”
ETA: Hos before bros, bro. You I see now and then, but I have to live with her.
Once you’ve broken up with someone, you have no more claim on their emotions or sex life. Sure, realistically, stuff may still be affect you. But that’s your problem, not anyone else’s. It’s probably good form to give a few weeks, just to make it clear there was no cheating involved. But if everyone is trying to find a great partner, why would you expect other people to stay away from each other while you are off trying to find your own path?
I’ve usually dated decent guys. I’d be thrilled if my single friends hooked up with them and maybe they both found love.
I know this guy who broke up with his wife because she was cheating on him. So, he decided to marry the girl who was married to the guy who his ex-wife was cheating on him with. He has to deal with her all the time because of kids. And he’s not happy about it.
Better to just find somebody else and go along your merry way.
Crush, perhaps, ex, no. Maybe for a short period of time, but not for very long. And even a crush only counts if the friend has a chance with her.
Yeah, that’s from a male perspective. I have no idea how it should work with women. I do know that having a woman with a crush on me usually seems to make it easier for her friends to have them, too, but I also know that the social dynamics of women are very complicated.