Okay, I’m curious about the implications here. I could possibly find myself in such a situation if I think with the wrong brain. A bit of background is in order, and it is the epitome of mundane and pointless, and I tend to ramble, so be prepared. Up until about a year ago a friend of mine, Sean, was seeing this girl. They has been in a relationship for about two years then. She was (still is obviously) a couple of years older than him, which makes her about a year older than me, and she was (still is!) quite attractive. Now, I worked with Sean for about a year and a half, and he and I really hit it off well and became fast friends, though we are two polar opposite personalities. He and I have a mutual respect for each others’ work and talents, and we were both always up for a party. Though Sean has something of a reputation as a “player”. Anyway, in the fall of last year he got a bit … umm … restless, and broke up with his girlfriend. She was pretty crushed. I felt sorry for her … it was pretty shitty. However, despite her pain, they had to remain civilized acquaintances, if not friends, since they had a number of mutual friends and hung out in the same places. So we would still run into her occasionally when the guys hit the town.
Now, fast forward to early this year. It was a snowy afternoon, and everyone was headed home early. Sean and I live only a few blocks from each other downtown. So we hung out for a short while just watching people drive in a panic like they’d never seen snow before. We rounded up a group of friends and headed down the street to grab a bite to eat. We finished there and then headed to the local pub for a drink, where we run into Sean’s ex. Here’s where things get interesting. She waved ‘hi’ when we first got there, and soon she was sitting beside me and touching a little. No big deal. I tell myself she’s just friendly that way. Well, a few months pass and I run into her again, and she’s even more forward with her touching, and what do you know, I end up with her phone number! Not entirely intentional either. I actually got another girl’s phone number too … WHILE HER BOYFRIEND WAS SITTING BESIDE HER! He gave me the dirtiest look because she had been flirting all night too. Anyway, back to Sean’s ex. Now, every time I see her, she makes a point to come and talk and flirt with me. So much so that now I’m considering asking her out. Here’s my question: What is the “statute of limitations” for dating the ex-girlfriend of a friend? I even get the impression that he wouldn’t give a damn if I did date her. What’s the protocol for this? I was always taught that guys just don’t date friends’ exes if she was truly an ex and not just a fling. I know, it’s a silly “rule” if two people like each other. She seems to like me, and if the ex thing didn’t bother me, I’d have already asked her out by now. What next? Take a cold shower and maintain my distance or lay it on the line and ask her out.
From a female perspective: A friend of mine dated this guy on and off for three years. It wasn’t really a good relationship for either of them, and she broke it off. Some months after that, he was single, and I was single. The rest is fairly obvious. I told her not long after we got together, and she swore up and down she didn’t mind. I believed her. Big mistake. By the end, they were sleeping together again, and she was no longer speaking to me. My friend and I have more or less made it up, but it wasn’t worth the damage to the relationship.
Sean and this girl were seeing each other for two years. That’s a fair amount of time, and there’s bound to still be some tangled emotions. Maybe he wouldn’t mind, but I kind of think he will. Best you take a cold shower, and look for another girl.
I say forget about what anybody thinks or says in this situation. If you like her and she likes you, you would have to be missing a few screws (no pun intended) to back off just for what someone else thinks.
He dumped her. You like her. She likes you. End of story.
Ok so he dumped her like a year ago right? That’s more than enough time for them to have sorted out whatever their feelings are for each other. You’re both adults (you and the girl that is) and should be free to make your own decisions based on how you feel for each other, not by what the rules in some unwritten, sophmoric “Pocket Reference to Being an Insecure Male” says. Ask her out, have fun, be happy. Screw the playground, macho bullshit rules.
If he were in my shoes, I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t have waited this long to ask her out, much less ask a bunch of strangers on the world’s greatest message board.
But, like GMRyujin mentioned, while Sean seemed to be pretty devoid of feelings for her after the break up, she still liked him for the longest time afterward. Which made me wonder … was her interest in me genuine, or was it an attempt by her to play a jealousy game by going out with a friend of his? :dubious:
It’s not everyday that I have women flirting so heavily with me, but I really, really would prefer not to get myself into a complicated mess like look!ninjas did.
He broke up with her. It may be awkward for him to be around you when she’s present so it’s up to you to decide if increasing the distance between you and he is worth it.
Consider too that she may be using you to get back at him. While in college, a roommate brought home an old girlfriend for a one-night stand – everyone present thought that it was about the most-tacky thing they’d ever seen. He’s still a friend but everyone from the wide group of college friends still thinks his judgment regarding the opposite sex are off kilter.
Long answer? Well, most of it’s been covered. You say Sean is “a friend” (emphasis mine), not your best friend, or even an especially close friend. You also say he’s a player and that he wouldn’t have waited so long, if the roles had been reversed. So, there’s no problem, there IMHO. If there is, it’s his problem. As the dumper, he forfeits all claim to the dumpee.
The lady in question is a little more delicate matter. She may still be getting over him, though it seems doubtful, given the time span and her behavior towards you. Still, I’d make sure Sean was one of the major topics of conversation on the second date, if she didn’t bring him up on the first. And, be sure to “read between the lines”, or “listen between the words” I guess, when she’s talking about him, for any hints as to whether she feels she needs to hide her true feelings, from you or from herself.
Dating the ex- of a friend: maybe, depending on circumstances.
Dating the ex- of a friend who rubs against you and gives you her number “… WHILE HER BOYFRIEND WAS SITTING BESIDE HER!”: Bad! Bad! Danger! Danger! Do not go there! You will be hurt in a truly emotionally fucked up situation! STAY AWAY!
There’s no ONE answer. But I’ve been dateing a friend’s ex for 4 months and here is my experience.
She dumped him. Which in my eyes made it okay to date him. They had split up 9 months before me and him got together. When we did get together I made sure my friend found out from me, and not someone else. She was cool with it and told me she had no problem with it. We’re still friends.
I’ve dated the ex’s of friends, and had friends date my ex’s, each on several occassions. Bottom line? If a decent period has passed ( in ‘personal time’, not 'calendar time - sometimes three months is plenty, sometimes three years isn’t enough) then guess what? Any issues the “nondating ex” (i.e. your friend, or if the shoe is on the other foot, you) has are -ta da!- their issues. You might want to avoid creating complications or discomfort, but the issues remain, and should be dealt with (when I’ve been he nondating ex and had issue -which I usually didn’t- I benefited in he long run from being forced to cope with them)
Since he ended the relationship, and a year has passed, I’d say you are in the clear according to any hypothetical statute of limitations. However, such rules are just easy sloppy guidelines.
The right thing to do is to ask his opinion -not ‘permission’- and assess her interest (and subconscious intentions) and weight them. It isn’t easy; it is uncertain and subjectively personal; and there is no appeal to silly childhool laws like “I called it” or “shotgun!” – but that’s the only way to do it. Mistakes will be made over the course of a lifetime of this, but I, for one, prefer mistakes of action (i.e. if you do something, you see the consequences and you know if it was a mistake) to mistakes of inaction, which are probably far more common and seductive.
That doesn’t mean I advocate ‘doing something’ over ‘doing nothing’ as a general rule of life. It just means that I’ve seen how easy it is to do nothing -to ‘default’ and how strong the tendency is in many people, who often appreciate the effect (or, don’t until much later) especially cumulatively over a period of years and lost opportunities.
Three months, or one other person, which ever is less.
BUT …
you MUST tell him you are want to date her FIRST. You have to ask him if he minds, he has to say no, and mean it. (If he cared that much, he should have married her.)
AND …
You may NEVER discuss him with her, or her with him. If one brings up the other, draw the line immediately. Nothing personal. ‘How’s Sean’s new job?’ is acceptable; ‘How’s Sean?’ is not.
ALSO …
You can’t be physically affectionate in front of Sean, unless you get engaged. No, wait until after the wedding.
I’d say that if Sean is not a close buddy, you’re doing nothing wrong, but the courteous thing to do is to let him know, particularly if the three of you are likely to wind up in the same social circles regularly. If he’s a close friend, you need to find out how he feels, then think about the possible outcomes.
And j66 is right, to a certain extent. I’d say that conversations such as: “How’s Sean?” “Oh, he’s fine/he’s fine, and we’re playing poker [if you play poker with him regularly] next week,” are fine. “What do you think of Sean’s new girlfriend?” is not something you want to answer.
(On the other hand, my viewpoint is skewed: I ONLY date friends, and do my best to stay friends with my exes. In fact, my ex is currently dating my fiance’s ex, and the four of us hang out together. This does lead to the occasional embarrassing story being revealed… but I can live with that.)
As for the girl who gave you her number in front of her current boyfriend: RUN, DON’T WALK AWAY. I’m assuming, from the fact that you mention his dirty looks, that they don’t have an open relationship; which makes me think that she’s doing it to get a reaction from him. And you don’t want to get into the middle of that.
Sean is no longer dating this girl. It is none of his business who she dates.
Do what you like.
It would be polite to tell him that you are asking her out. (Perhaps you could couch this information in questions about why they broke up and if she has non-obvious bad qualities. Of course, by telling him, you risk rekindling his interest in her. You say he is something of a player, and that the two of you are not particularly close.)
Bear in mind that she may be interested in you because of your relationship with Sean or your place in that group of people. Perhaps you remind of her some guy she had a crush on in the 4th grade and she was always interested in you, somewhat, even when she was dating Sean. We don’t know and if you can’t guess you’ll just have to take your chances.
peritrochoid - Ask her out. The worst that can happen is that the two of you seem to get along great and after three months she moves in, but she turns out to be a psycho who kills you in your sleep and serves your barbecued remains to the old gang who are then, despite being completely ignorant of the ingredients, go to jail or the chair as accomplices.
I guess it depends on the relationship between yourself and Sean.
All of my friends’ ex’s are off limits. Period. From now til the end of eternity.
I wouldn’t date one of my ex’s friends either. Except the one time that I did…and it didn’t go well. Everytime we saw his friend, he looked very hurt, and that had never been my intention.
If Sean is a friend, the answer IMO would be no.
If Sean is an acquaintance, the answer would probably be yes.
Who the hell cares if Sean minds. He’s the one who initiated the break up, so he has no say in who she sees. End of discussion.
Your discussion rule is also bullshit, simply becuase it brings the huge possibility of blatent lying into the relationship, which leads to breaqches of trust.
They can do whatever they want in front of Sean. Again, he was the one who initiated the breakup, so he has no say in the matters of who she sees and what she does with them. Sean does not own her in any sense of the word.
Enjoy that walk back to the bench. You might want to try bunting next time up.
