Does your SO have a right to interfere with parenting issues with your kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

So, JuniorDivine is 20, in college, doing well but he does have Aspberger’s. He has a part-time job that puts him around a lot of smokers. Recently he revealed to me that he has been smoking (cigarettes) for about a year.

No offense to the smokers – I am upset that he is smoking, but I kind of feel that, at 20, I really can’t stop him from doing it if he decides to make that (dumb) choice. He’s been educated about the dangers of smoking and the risks of addiction. No one in my family smokes, nor anyone on his dad’s side of the family. I have told him that I think it’s a huge mistake, and I strongly oppose it; but he will be 21 in a few months, he has his own spending money, and no matter how much I disapprove, he is an adult and can choose to make his own decisions (and pay the consequences for those decisions). However, two nights ago, my son told me that he had decided to quit smoking. I was very glad to hear that.

It turns out, though, that the Man I Have Been Dating (MIHBD) for about a year went into my JuniorDivine’s room two weeks ago and said to my son, “YOU ARE GOING TO QUIT SMOKING. NOW. It’s stupid, you’re smarter than that, and you are going to quit. Got me?”

We have been seeing each other exclusively for a year, but have not yet decided our future course (we’ve kicked around living together/marriage but have put it on the back burner for now). My son spends half his time with me, half with his dad (we divorced 15 years ago), so he does not need another father.

I am not sure if MIHBD went too far by sticking his nose into my son’s business – whether my son listened to him or not, I can’t help but feel MIHBD was out of line. Or, after a year together, does he have a right to speak up? Should he have asked me for “permission” first? How much involvement should a MIHBD/SO have in parenting? Is this a red flag that MIHBD will impulsively jump into other parenting issues without consulting me in the future? Should I stop him now, or just be glad he said something? I can’t help but wonder if this is a precursor to MIHBD interfering with me parenting my younger son in the future, or maybe it’s really a sign that he cares about my children’s welfare. I’m not sure what to think here, I wanted to get some other opinions. Thanks…

2

Another way to look at this is that he’s 20, so it’s not a parenting issue (for your MIHBD). Do they have a good relationship otherwise? Giving the “smoking is harmful, stupid, and you need to quit NOW” speech is something that friends say to friends, coworkers say to coworkers, kids say to parents, etc. Of course, it’s not always welcome, and not always listened to, but still, people say it all the time and I think it’s usually out of genuine concern for the other person.

3

I don’t know if he has the moral authority to tell your son what to do, but I think your attitude is a bit blase. Your son picked up a habit that is detrimental to his health. I wouldn’t accept it gracefully. Smoking is reportedly harder to kick than heroine and it has been linked to a half dozen cancers, including now kidney cancer. So I hope your son listens to your SO. It’s not as if your son got a mohawk or a tattoo. He’s endangering his health.

4

Yup. Whether it was right or wrong for MIHBD to do that, your son is an adult, as you say, and so it’s his problem to deal with, not yours. And I agree that this is a serious enough issue that your son needed to be told this.

5

If your son is 20, that makes your SO more of his friend and not his parent. And it’s serious. And your son needs to be told what’s up. So, no, he’s not out of line.

6

Dude, it’s not like you son is six and got told he couldn’t buy a stick of candy you were okay with him having. He’s an adult and another adult told him he was being a dumbass. That happens sometimes when you’re being a dumbass. And when that happens, the appropriate response is not for Mommy to swoop in and scold the person who told you to stop being a dumbass.

7

Commanding a smoker to quit as if you’re god and the smoker is a sinful peon never has the desired result. I wouldn’t be happy with the way your SO handled the situation, because I wouldn’t be happy with any adult who attempts to berate and command another adult’s legal choices. As to whether he overstepped his bounds, well I suppose it depends on his relationship to your kid. It seems, to me, that if you have to ask if it’s too early for him to be so interfering, it probably is.

I’m a smoker myself, and the method your SO undertook would have been completely ineffective on me at that age. In fact, it would have the opposite of the intended effect–I’d want to continue smoking to spite that asshole, but hide my habit better in the future.

And the fact that your kid already SAID he was planning to quit means that your asshole SO might have set back your son’s plan (if your son is the anti-authority type). It’s not like smokers don’t already know the goddamn risk. Nobody who’s gone through public schooling since the 80s doesn’t know the danger. I don’t know whether nonsmokers realize this or not, but approaching someone smoking a cigarette and asking them whether they know that smoking causes cancer (durr, motherfucker, go candystripe the cancer ward then) is insulting.

It’s one thing to express concern and say you’d really like it if he stopped. But for your SO to act like he had the power to stop your son from smoking was a bad, stupid move.

8

That’s a tricky situation. After a year with you, and I assume living with you, he certainly has SOME sort of role in the family. It sounds like his heart was in the right place, too. If you’re uncomfortable with how he handled it, I think you should have a calm and reasonable discussion to explain to him what the boundaries are. Keep in mind that you’ll have to listen to his perspective, too.

ETA: I just re-read, and saw that he’s not in fact living with you. Do you think this man should have a role in your family?

9

Does your SO have experience in dealing with an Aspie? I’m no expert (I do have an autistic 6 year old) but Aspies look at the world differently and are reached differently than neurotypical folks. The plus side is your SO sounds like they want to help. That said, your SO isn’t (yet) at the very serious commitment stage of living together/talking about/marriage.

10

:rolleyes:
Well, really , this is all the proof you need that your SO was fine.

11

I think it’s time to have a serious talk with your SO. He absolutely crossed a boundary. Even if he is living with you (I didn’t think so from your description), discipline should be your responsibility, not his. (Aside from the fact that the badass authoritarian routine isn’t going to fly with an almost-21 year old.) If he MUST be involved, he needs to work it out with you first.
It sounds like you dealt with your son’s smoking as best you could–he is, as you said, an adult with his own money, so it’s not like you’re going to stop him by grounding him or taking away his cellphone. If I were in your shoes, I would feel that the SO attempted to overrule my decision and interfere in my parenting. It is NOT his place to lay down the law and be the disciplinarian in your house.
I’m super-sensitive on this point, but I’ve learned to be, from long experience. I’ve been a single mom for many years, and I’m not parenting by the seat of my pants here. I make all of the decisions in my household, and I make them thoughtfully and with much consideration, and I take full responsibility for them.
Over the years I’ve met several men who automatically assume that because I’m single, I need someone to come in and get things shipshape, get the kids in line, tighten up the rules, etc. I’ve been told that my kids need more discipline by men who have never even MET them. Is this guy one of those men? Does he often intervene or try to override your parenting? Because that’s what he seems to have done here, and he needs to be aware that you are concerned about the pattern he may be setting up.
I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. But maybe he needs to know that you’ve already got the parenting style in place and he needs to adapt to the way YOU parent.

12

I would generally expect parents to agree on an issue before reading the riot act, because if they disagree, chances are its going to go badly sooner or later.

So the issue for me isnt the stage of your relationship, its that he did that unilaterally, and hasnt tried to discuss it with you afterwards. As a oneoff its hard to judge much, but if that became a pattern, I think it has a fair chance of causing problems.

First step in my view would be asking what he thought of the whole thing. He might feel he jumped the gun because he felt stronger about it than he realised, he may think this is how its always going to be, he may have realised from how the son reacted that he overdid it, etc etc.

Otara

13

I have to concur with those who say that this not a parenting issue, so that is the wrong context for discussion. Your son is an adult, not a child, and you’re SO was addressing him man to man, not parent to child. I don’t see this as an intrusion on your relationship with your son, but an expression of a relationship between two adults.

14

That was the problem I saw, too. I think he should have discussed what he wanted to do first. I didn’t see a problem with him wanting to be involved though.

15

Your SO was completely out of line. Your son is legally an adult. Yeah, it’s stupid, but your son isn’t a kid, and the SO isn’t his dad.
It’s one thing if he doesn’t want him smoking in the house, but smoking at all? None of his business. Especially the way he went about it.

16

Your SO is a Fucking bully.

My son is an aspie and very easily intimidated because of it.

If any one were to talk to my son like that I’d be seeing red.

Fuck your SO. He sounds like a bully asshole.

17

Oops, I forgot about the Asperger’s in between reading it and replying.

In that case, I probably still wouldn’t get mad at the SO or anything, but I do understand the urge to protect your kid as much as possible when they have disabilities. I’d probably just talk to the SO about how people with this disorder may not respond to that way of talking to them, etc. Certainly nothing that can’t be talked out openly and without rancor and drama.

18

If you son is functioning as an adult, then it is none of your business how an other adult counsels him.

If your son is not functioning as an adult, then you didn’t do a good enough job in convincing him to quit.

Either way, if your son quits, then odds are that your companion just saved his life, so be thankful for that rather than fussing about who has what right to counsel your son.

19

I like how you have set yourself up as the center of this little universe. They are just two planets orbiting around you and can’t possibly have a relationship apart from you.

Face it, your kid is 20, this was a conversation between adults. This is not your business. God forbid your son finds older wiser people in his life that he trusts to give him advice.

20

I don’t see how the kid being an adult makes it none of the OP’s concern. If my SO were to speak that way to one of my adult friends than I’d be pissed and I would want to make sure my friend knows that he’s not acting on my behalf. And if this were to happen inside my own home, where my SO does not live, then it would be my business. People don’t come into my house and yell at other adults who I’ve welcomed in.