This is Truth and if you are having difficulty internalizing it, then Al Anon might be helpful for you. You do sound a bit co-dependent and that is logical because you were raised around all these substance abusers. But you’d better get to a couple Al Anon meetings quick because you’re not going to have time after the baby is born. Congratulations on that, btw.
Set your boundaries and be firm and if you need support/how to, then Al Anon is one good place to go for that.
You do have every right to decide on the acceptable behavior in your house, or anywhere you take your daughter. Just tell them that’s what you’ve decided to do in general, you won’t take your daughter anywhere there is smoking, drinking, or drug use going on.
Otherwise, you are going overboard. If you want your family to change what they are doing at their own house when your daughter is not around, you better take a much less confrontational approach. Don’t bring up the subject of leaving your daughter with them unless they bring it up. Carrot and stick approaches to these problems can backfire badly. You have to get your parents to change for their own sake. You don’t really want to make your daughter a pawn in some game do you?
If you impose a moratorium on drinking while they are visiting you, be aware that they may not be able to visit you then, because they may not be able to stop without getting really sick from withdrawals. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it, but they probably wouldn’t admit they’d get sick, they might try and vilify you instead for making the rule.
I agree that with your kid, it’s your rules. The one little thing I would add is a matter of rhetoric. If explaining, say, “My kid is not going to be around these things.” Don’t ever begin with something soft, “I’m sorry, but I would really like…” or “I don’t think this is a good idea…”
It doesn’t sound like you’re the type to say these things by your posts, that’s just what I’ve learned in these sorts of situations with family members. You changing your mind should not be a card in the deck.
Also, congratulations.
Why not just copy and paste your last two paragraphs and send it to them? The sonogram picture thing seems passive aggressive and kinda crappy. Those two paragraphs are honest and straightforward, and they don’t come off as unkind.
What Cat Whisperer said.
Also, keep in mind, if you really want some kind of extended family for your daughter, you can always choose family. In this day and age of people being transplanted all over the place and many times far from their own bio-families, a set of grandparents (or three), some aunties, uncles and cousins of your own making can be a wonderful thing. When MiniPbbth gets a bit older, the relationships can be explained.
Another thing: do you really want to shelter your child to the point of naivete when she gets older? Understanding that there are other ways of living (sometimes better, sometimes worse, sometimes just different) is essential to becoming a balanced adult. Being around your family (although I’m with you on the no alcohol, pot or tobacco around her) and knowing that they have a different lifestyle, but are good people, nonetheless and your husband’s family, being considerably older and possibly infirm will (hopefully) instill some compassion in the kid.
Just my $.02.
Missred, you do realize the OP is talking about a child yet-to-be born? What’s there to shelter to the point of naivete?
One thing I am seeing, a trap that I think we all fall into, is that for you, your daughter is the most important thing for you. It could be that your family are not that bothered by her arrival and won’t care much one way or the other if they see her or not. Threatening them with not being able to see her might not be much of a threat in that case…
She’ll be born soon. 
Yes, I do realize that she’s in utero at the moment, but was looking to the future.
Wow, OP, your one class act. :rolleyes:
It isn’t meant to be a threat, though I can see now where it could be construed as one. I don’t want for my daughter not to meet any of my family but the distance creates quite a problem. There can’t be a time where we just have lunch with Grandma and Grandpa or otherwise interact with them in small doses. She will have the opportunity to Skype with my family, of course, but we will not fly to Texas and let drunken stoners be our only source of transportation for days at a time or fight out the “my house my rules” regarding drugs and alcohol in their home. They are welcome to come visit us but you can’t really bring pot on a plane and there is no alcohol in our home so it will probably be very difficult for them to make the trip, chemical dependence-wise.
To the point of naivete, no. She needs to know there are different kinds of people in the world and that your personal choices don’t make you “bad” or “good” but as a kid I had a crazy, drunken, drugged-up grandma. One year she stole my christmas presents (along with everyone elses) from under the tree to pawn them for booze money. She said horrible things to everyone in her family and stole money from my parent’s purse/wallet when she got the chance. She took my great grandma’s car and just disappeared for a few weeks until she was out of money so my parents became my great grandma’s transportation at that time. She was constantly in the hospital for alcohol related issues and eventually died of liver failure after being found on the side of the road by strangers who called the paramedics for her but it was too late. Because of watching this I do not touch alcohol at all. I think I can count on one hand the number of drinks I’ve had in my life and I’m almost 30. My family reacted to her in one of two ways, either completely avoiding it (like me) or diving right in because they see it as normal/acceptable (like my dad) and I’d like my kid to have some distance from that kind of crazy.
IMHO, and I don’t want to derail this thread, there is nothing wrong with “sheltering” young children as to properly formulate within them the idea that the way you live is how proper people live. If you live a drug and alcohol free life, the kid will grow up in (and, in their adult years, refer to) an environment where drugs and alcohol are not necessary for living. If you let the kid be exposed to an environment where drugs and alcohol abuse are prevalent, the adult child has examples where they may be able to rationalize their actions: Grandad was OK guy and was kind of funny when he was high, or At least I’m nowhere near as fucked up as Uncle Bob.
Again, this is offered to the OP and not meant to disrupt this thread, so please take it in that context.