Dealing with family members with addiction (and other mental health issues)

In My Humble Opinion
1

To make a VERY long story short, I have a close family member who has struggled with abuse of prescription painkillers (and alcohol, but that’s another story) for many years. She has stolen them from my medicine cabinet in the past, when I had some left from surgery. She has called in fake refills that I never requested so she could pick them up herself. I have driven her back from the hospital after knee surgery and stopped on the way to fill her own postsurgical painkiller prescription, only to have the pharmacist refuse to fill it because she had filled too many other painkiller prescriptions recently, even when I swore I was literally driving her from the hospital and you could see the blood seeping through the bandages. I believe she is still on felony probation from her recent conviction for stealing a blank prescription pad from her (now former) employer, a medical practice. For that matter, she’s damn lucky she’s not doing hard time, because that was not her first brush with the law.

My mother is in denial, not that this person has a drug problem, but that she is in any way responsible for her own behavior, and I am fucking tired of it and the blame-the-victim mentality. I just hung up on my mother, because instead of trying to acknowledge that this person is in any way responsible for her own behavior, she blamed this person’s doctor (never mind that her current doctor may actually have no idea of her history of abuse, for all either of us knows), and when I pointed out that the drug issues predated the doctor by many years, I was accused of not having any empathy, which resulted in a screaming fight and me hanging up on my mother.

I am really fucking tired of this and don’t know how to deal with it any more. It makes for a really fucked up family dynamic. She also has other mental health issues (she has been diagnosed as bipolar in the past, among other things, and other cousins on both sides of the family have severe mental health issues which are known to have a partially genetic basis). I am sorry that she does, but I can’t fix them and the fact that her issues may have a genetic basis doesn’t help the rest of us deal with them - she desperately needs professional treatment, and drug treatment is one of the conditions of her probation, but I am not in a position to deal with the fallout. This person is no longer allowed in my home, which saddens me, but I simply am not going to subject my own household to her drama.

So aside from staying away as much as possible, how do I deal with the related drama and its effect on relationships among other members of my family? Any resources? I mean I know Alanon exists, but I’m not sure to what extent it’s designed to deal with issues that involve addictions other than alcohol most of the time.

2

Are you the mother or father of the person with addiction issues? If not, it’s not your problem. (It’s not their’s either, but parents can oftentimes feel or believe they’re somewhat responsible for their kids’ fuckups, regardless of age).

So, what’s wrong with staying away as much as possible?

3

She could be the sibling of the person with issues, which tends to complicate family get-togethers and any interactions with one’s parents.

Eva, I sympathize, and wish I knew what to tell you. In my case, this is my husband’s sister (except throw in alcohol and hard drug abuse too), and their parents enabled her pretty much all her life. At least they rarely doctor-blamed, but at one point after she was in an eviction process with her apartment, their dad came over and asked my husband and I to let her stay in our (unfinished, no bathroom) basement in our (rented) house. I outright refused, as not only did we not want to live with her and she wasn’t on the lease, but we didn’t trust her in our place. I was accused of basically leaving her to die (“might as well just put a gun in her hand and let her end it!”) but stood firm that she is an adult, and I’m sorry she can’t seem to kick her various habits, but when she makes all of her choices in life that prioritize feeding a high one way or another, that’s not my problem. (Their dad ended up persuading the landlord to let her transfer to another property or something, and I think he paid the back rent and probably pre-paid some more rent.)

(Edit: Their mom passed away last year; their dad is still alive. We don’t discuss with him whether he enables her still. Occasionally she works limited hours; she had a legitimate back injury on the job over a decade ago and collects some disability - the addictions also caused her significant issues with her pain management.)

I don’t know if just calmly telling your mother that this family member needs to get help will improve things, or not. Maybe arguing it as a more “medically-oriented” case would improve your chances - i.e., she’s not well but she’s the only one who can choose to do the hard work to get better (vs the “lazy/crazy” tag) - in that it may be less likely to outright “blame” her for the end result but still puts the responsibility for improvement on her. You can make sympathetic noises about those doctors prescribing her pills and then shift to “but that’s in the past and now she needs to get herself into drug treatment and do the hard work.” Frame it like being physical therapy - whose fault it is behind the injury doesn’t mean anything, the injured person needs to do the work to get better, and it’s going to suck and hurt and be terrible, but if they don’t do it, they may be crippled.

4

Easier said than done but I think you need to divest yourself of having a stake in this situation.

Admit that there is probably nothing you can say or do to help your addicted relative and stop trying to find a way to control or punish her by proxy - influencing your mom’s thoughts and behaviour with respect to this situation. Let your mom think and feel how she wants to think and feel about this relative, but you can choose to disagree and change the conversation.

I wish you well.

5

Bingo.

Oh, I have certainly tried that, and my mom has been a social worker for a large chunk of her career and has certainly seen similar situations, and would probably advise other families in a rational manner, but somehow it’s always different when it’s your own kid. She has independently acknowledged many times that my sister needs counseling (and both my parents tried many times to send her to counseling - she has had issues since she was a small child with theft, poor impulse control, and generally acting out). But most of the time she just flat-out refused to go. (The last straw, and the reason she is no longer allowed in my home, is when some of our wedding gifts went missing from our reception at a time when she was the only person in the room where the gifts were.)

Sometimes the fallout from her issues has been money-related, though she has certainly stolen, mostly from family members, when it wasn’t going to help her financially (like stealing clothing). And she has had other fallout from non-stealing-related poor decisions - she has been evicted more than once, and one time was not for nonpayment of rent, but for smoking in the apartment, which was a violation of the lease terms. It would be much easier to just ignore her if she didn’t have an 8-year-old son, who adores her and certainly doesn’t deserve this mess or have any ability to manage his own exposure to it. And I keep wondering when her husband will just throw in the towel and walk out. He’s not perfect either, but his issues pale in comparison to hers.

So basically, it’s a big fat mess and I don’t know how to deal with it. AAAAAARGH.

6

Accept that it’s unlikely to change. As long as you are involved with your family members who tolerate or enable this behavior, or continue to believe there is a solution, then you will continue to deal with this. There’s some very outside chance this person will get treatment and change their life, but you might as well invest in lottery tickets for your retirement. I’m sorry you have this person in your life, but happy endings in these circumstances are few and far between.

7

This is your sister?.. that’s considerably closer to home than I originally understood - which will make my advice on divestment far more difficult for you. That it involves your 8 year old nephew makes your situation that much harder.

I’ve always thought that the best advice was to remove yourself from a toxic environment. Obviously that will be hard to do in this case. But it’s not unheard of.

I honestly don’t know what the right solution is for you. But I understand your frustration.

8

I feel for you. M

9

Sorry, I meant to write I am in a situation quite like yours with my little Sister. She has been this way all her life. There are times I just need a break from all her drama. I will get fed up, and refuse to speak to her, or about her for certain periods, usually always around 3 months.

Maybe you and your Mom could use a break, and agree not to even talk about her for a week or so.

Good Luck

10

nm

11

I say cut off all contact. You already don’t let her in your house, and that’s good. Forget about the kid. That’s another person’s family and you don’t need to be sticking your nose in, as much as you think you need to. It won’t help, and you don’t need ulcers.
I was in a similar situation, tho not as toxic, and it still had a bad ending. These things don’t go too well, as I recall.
Mom doesn’t need an education, or a change of attitude. She’s stuck where she is, and it is a horrible place to be in. She doesn’t have the option to bail out as simply as you do. She doesn’t need more grief. She could very well be fantasizing as a means of escape, since, as a social worker, she knows how these things end. Let her have her dreams. No need for you two to have screaming matches. She needs your support and love.

Best wishes.
Also, you

12

Please forget the ‘Also, you…’ above.

13

I think one issue with not wanting to stop enabling in my sister-in-law’s case is that my inlaws seemed to feel at least that it would reflect badly on them, to have her in such trouble, if not that they were at least partially responsible in some way. (It was a pretty abusive situation due to their father.) So I bet your mother is dealing with feeling like she contributed to the problem and that she, out of all people, ought to be able to “fix” it. But surely she’s seen plenty of people in the same situation and been able to be more detached from it. Maybe reminding your mom about what happens with not-relatives in the real world and asking her to treat it in that way?

Some kind of Al-Anon thing for you if you are too deeply wrapped up in it. (I forget what the not-a-Scientology-front drug version is.) It doesn’t have to be meetings, just some kind of way of removing yourself from being so wrapped up in it. It’s hard, but important for your mental health.

Can you be “the cool aunt” and offer to take your nephew on outings, if they live close enough? Even sleepover weekends? Some exposure to a calm, peaceful home may help him.

When my sister-in-law was married, both she and her husband drank a lot. Then they’d call my husband (her only brother) while drunk and complain about the other to him; he ended up telling each of them separately that unless they got the alcohol out of the house, nothing would change. Each said that wouldn’t happen and blamed the other for that. He then told each of them that he didn’t want to hear any complaints from them unless they got rid of the booze. If they called drunk, he reminded them and hung up. It helped his stress level a lot.

I’m sorry. I know it sucks.

14

“Detachment with love.” I find the love part hard but the detachment necessary.

15

Al-Anon is the non-Scientology version, and there is also a Nar-Anon for family members of drug addicts. That said, many people in Al-Anon have loved ones who are addicted to drugs in addition to alcohol, and no group will turn you away for that.

I have relatives who are addicts and alcoholics and detaching has been the best thing for me. Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to reduce the effects of the drama on the other people in your family. They need to figure out how to do that for themselves. The best you can do is to be a role model.

Ferret’s suggestion that you be the “cool aunt” to your nephew to be a refuge from his mother’s problems, and to give him a safe adult to talk to is a good one. Kids who are affected by a parent’s addiction need that sanctuary because they’re dealing with a lot of stuff they don’t really understand and can’t do anything about, and it’s with one of two adults they’re supposed to be able to trust to take care of them. You’re not his mother, and you’re never going to be his mother, but at least you can fill that role until she can, if she can.

16

You seem aware enough to recognize there are a lot of unaddressed mental health issues in play with this family dynamic, which is a good thing. If there is even a small genetic component, or even predisposition, then it would seem that you would also be at risk for such issues, if not currently potentially one day. Even if you haven’t consciously thought this through, I promise your subconscious has internalized as much.

So now the question really boils down to, “Can you recognize your own risk of developing a mental illness? What are you willing to do, to protect your mental health? How highly do you value it?”

Because continuing to expose yourself to this level of dysfunction, enabling, denial, addiction, indicates you are either not aware of the risks to your own mental health, or do not value it highly enough to protect it.

“You cannot help someone by doing for them, what they should or could, do for themselves.” Tape this quote up on the fridge or mirror where you’ll see it every day. Until you fully internalize it’s truth.

You cannot change your Moms enabling behaviour, or her denial. Nothing will change for your sister as long as mom’s enabling. Sad, but true. So you are powerless there, and need to accept that you cannot change the situation.

Let go of wishing it were otherwise and just be there as much as you can for her son. Include him in things you do, everyday things like shopping and cooking. Listen to his problems, but don’t step in to try and fix things - you can’t. Make sure he feels he can call or come stay, whatever, that you’re always right there at the end of the wire for him.

I wish Good luck to you all.

17

This, a thousand times over. I had to do exactly this with my alcoholic father. It was hard at first, but then my life got much, much better. In a weird way, our relationship even got better.

You may need to do this with both your mother and your sister. If your mother is enabling your sister and you’re still getting sucked into the drama, then you haven’t detached. You cannot help your sister and you cannot help your mother. Nothing you say or do will force them to face reality before they’re ready. Protect yourself.