My sister - professional victim - alcoholic

The BBQ Pit
1

So I have two sisters, the middle one and the younger one. The younger one lives halfway across the country and has always been distant - even in Jr. High she was the one who would go skiing on Christmas Day with her friends rather than spend time with the family. So its not a real surprise that we didn’t stay in close touch when she moved out of state.

In November, my middle sister got an SOS call, and my mother and sister flew out. The baby (at 34) was in the middle of a nervous breakdown. My sister and mother poured all the alcohol down the drain, helped her put her life together over a week and left her in the care of her live in boyfriend.

In December, another SOS call. The boyfriend had been abusing her. So my sister and I fly out on six hours notice, pack her stuff, move her and take her back with us. She has a business out there, so after about two weeks, she moves back. She is drinking. While she is here (actually, with my other sister five hours away) she is evauated by a therapist and a doctor - they believe she is self medicating the abuse with alcohol, when the abuse is gone, the alcohol will probably go as well. My mother goes back out with her and spends two weeks with her.

After my mother leaves, she immediately calls the abusive boyfriend to try and “be friends.”

In January, she loses it again, this time my mother and sister fly out and stick her in a rehab center.

In early March we all spend family week at rehab. I see the same cocky “I don’t have a problem” girl, but she says the right things. A pitting of the useless rehab center (where our confrontations with her were edited so as not to disturb her and she was allowed to have boundries, but could trounce all over ours, and where they believe all addictions are rooted in childhood abuse and do recovered memory therapy to find the roots of the problem) would be another topic. The rehab center refuses to tell us her diagnosis (she tells us she is not an alcoholic and merely “codependant”) and does not provide us with any follow up care information. They do suggest, however, that my sister and I check in for recovered memory therapy.

She gets out of rehab and my mother meets her at her home again. But she immediately relapses. Now she is accusing no less than four men of sexually abusing her as a small child - memories she recovered (or created) in rehab. None of the stories are plausible to anyone else in our family - in some cases she lived in a different state and didn’t see the accused abuser during the time she remembers (but when that is brought up, her memory corrects itself to a more appropriate time). She is also accusing my mother of being an alcoholic while she was growing up (my mother is a casual drinker - she drinks rum and coke or brandy and coke - a bottle of rum lasts four years in their house, brandy lasts seven. If she is an alcoholic, she is the best hider I can imagine, or the most disciplined alcoholic I’ve ever met). She accuses my father of being absent - when she was the one that was choosing to hang with her friends rather than join the family for family events.

My mother packs up and leaves before the week is out. We’ve learned one thing from the less than useful rehab center - we don’t support her when she is chosing to drink.

I call her a few days ago to give her some info on secular sobriety (the AA meetings she was going to were too godly for her - I suspect a complete excuse, but I’ll take her at her word). I get told, by someone obviously drunk, how painful all her memories of abuse are. How horrible my male relatives are for doing this to her. Now, I know that to her the memories are true - even if I doubt they actually happened, but she is choosing to wallow in them as an excuse to drink. She has gotten to the point of threatening suicide.

Last night she called me up and I helped her book a plane ticket home (on her credit card). I’m supposed to pick her up at the airport shortly - but it won’t happen as she didn’t bother to leave the house in time to catch the plane. She originally wanted my other sister to fly out (again) and get her (again) - but the frequent flyer miles are used up, the savings accounts tapped, and frankly, everyone’s patience is gone.

What a goddamn waste. She was beautiful, bright, funny.

2

First word “cut,” second word “run.”

3

I tend to agree…but its hard to do (and harder for my other sister and my mother - who are much closer). Difficult to watch someone you care about kill themselves slowly.

She made it to the airport while I was posting this - too late for the flight I booked for her. If she manages to get herself home, she will have taken at least some responsibility for her own recovery - and if we can get her to move back into town, she will at least be in a place where it doesn’t involve a plane ticket when she needs support. IF SHE chooses to get her life together.

4

Dangerosa, if you haven’t tried it already, may I strongly recommend Al-Anon for you and your mom and sister? You sound like you’re learning to let go, but perhaps they aren’t; and as long as people keep “rescuing” your sister from her messes, she’s never going to learn how to deal with them herself.

Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them fail. Only then do they reach the point where they’re willing to help themselves.

5

One thing I learned when my uncle quit drinking (and from other alcoholics I know) is that in most cases, if not all, an alcoholic won’t quit until they’re ready. Sometimes that doesn’t ever happen, unfortunately. It’s difficult for those of us who love those people to sit back and watch, because we want so badly to help them. But as my best friend’s brother (an alcoholic who has always been like a brother to me) once told me, “There’s nothing you can do.” This after he got out of jail or rehab, I can’t remember which, and was drunk within hours.
My point is that I feel for you, and I’m very sorry you’re going through this. That rehab clinic sounds like it need to be shut down. Sounds to me like they did more harm than good.

6

They are going. But thanks for the advice. I appreciate it.

I don’t think I’ll do Al-Anon myself - I’m not that affected and think spending time doing Al-Anon will only increase my interdependance - i.e. - I’m not going to change what I do because she’s an alcoholic - that’s her damn roller coaster, not mine. I know I can’t control her behavior - my only challenge is drawing the line between supporting recovery and enabling manipulation.

7

Ditto on those who say she needs to want to quit drinking. No program can make her quit. Only she can. When she’s had enough, she’ll quit. Some people mess their lives up a lot, some mess it up a little. She’ll be the one to determine if and when she’s had it with the booze.

Who chose the rehab center she went to, and why? Just curious.

Good luck to all of you. It’s a hard road, but most people do make their way back to clear thinking and sobriety. It will take time.

8

Sounds like my alcoholic/drug abusing sister-in-law. We noticed she started only calling us when she needed something from us (that included, when she was married, being someone to bitch to about her then-husband, right in front of him), and began only going to family functions that would involve her receiving presents. So your little sister is just fine with being standoffish until her life goes to shit, but I agree with the others who say she’s not going to want to turn her life around until she seriously sees a good reason to stop drinking - and being picked up and put back on her feet once a month or so isn’t going to help.

My SIL is still an alcoholic and/or substance abuser, and she’s in her late 40s or even later; been drinking since her pre-teen years if I recall correctly. Every time something happens, some family member will pony up her rent money or plead for her with whoever she owes money to, or bail her out of jail. (Thankfully, my husband hasn’t done so.) The excuse is that they just can’t let her get tossed out on the street/rot in jail/whatever. Yeah, well, that’s why she can’t straighten up, either; she doesn’t have a good reason to do it, because someone inevitably covers for her.

My advice? Don’t be her shoulder to cry on for the BS molestation stories. If you’re interacting with her when she’s sober and pleasant, do so nicely. If she’s drunk, then it’s “I can’t talk with you when you’re like this” time. And no more money. No more plane tickets, no more nothing. Your family offered her a lifeline and a safe place, and she couldn’t be bothered to get her ass out of bed. That’s not the action of someone who’s seen the error of her ways and is desperately trying to save her own life.

9

Her boss (probably by now, her former boss) who has a relative on the board chose the center. Its a very well known rehab center - really expensive (her boss paid for it). The type celebrities show up at.

I suspect that was one of the issues with the rehab center - not only was it not a great theraputic experience - but its hard to see the bottom when you are sitting next to a supermodel at lunch.

I hope she decides to pull out of it. I’v heard too many stories of late (a girlfriends father, a distant relative) of people choking to death on their own vomit.

10

Ferret Herder, thanks for the advice. My contributions to date have been listening to two phone calls (which has now ended, I’m not going to talk to her drunk again), one week (involving travel expenses) for family week, and one plane ticket when I was under the impression that the big problem was an abusive boyfriend she needed help getting out from under. And I’m pretty much done with her from this point forward, as is my father. My mother and sister are having a harder time letting go, but the past two weeks have been instructive for them (my mother did cut her trip short and get on a plane. My sister told her “if you can get here and are sober when you show up, you can stay, but I’m not coming out to get you and you won’t drink or be drunk here” Since she lives in the middle of nowhere North Dakota, getting there will be challenging).

Its like the family has started mourning.

11

Damn… I’m sorry to hear all the grief that her suffering is putting her family through, as well as what she herself must be going through. I don’t really have all that much advice, but you might want to show her some literature on “recovered” memory techniques and why they’re generally full of shit.

12

Hopefully, eventually they’ll have a cause to celebrate. I have another sister-in-law who’s a recovering alcoholic, and though I don’t know what was her turning point, she managed to find it without ruining her marriage or life in general. She’s coming up on 20 years sober, I think? Perhaps even longer.

I also have a brother-in-law who’s a recovering alcoholic. The first we found out about his drinking problem, he was in the local county hospital with liver failure, and the doctors were saying to call the whole family because this might be the end. He was 39 at the time. Yes, he was good at hiding his drinking. He had other health problems - rosacea to explain the reddened nose, assumed IBS to explain the fluid retention/bloating, and I forget what else - which covered up the signs not only for us but for him as well. After his kidneys started shutting down in the ICU, he also developed pneumonia and had a stroke. He was lucky - his liver and kidneys started working again, and he was out of the hospital and a (physical) rehab center 6 months after admission, or thereabouts. These days he’s still physically disabled but nearly fine mentally (some lingering memory, etc., issues from the stroke), is taking better care of his health, and acknowledges that was his rock bottom. I hope your sister will find hers before something like this, or worse.

13

I don’t think she is ready for that - she’ll need to find a trigger for that one on her own - if she ever does…she’s always been stubborn and willing to blame other people for her mistakes.

But I am sharing that information with my parents - so that they recognize that she is (probably) full of shit and they shouldn’t accept things at face value and start blaming themselves or relatives for abuse that likely never happened.

14

I have been there, with both friends and family, and it is indeed a mourning process. Thank god your sister doesn’t have children that are being endangered throughout this.

15

Good gawd. That re-hab center did your family an extreme disservice. While helping your sister find more excuses to continue her self-abuse, they’ve managed to slander your whole family. There have been several recent and successful lawsuits brought against perpetrators of this recovered memory claptrap. You might want to look into the circumstances around them before this thing gets any worse. The men in your family may be in need of some help to protect themselves from some potentially very serious legal consequences should these accusations go any further. If you want more info, please feel free to e-mail me. I’ve got several books and magazine articles which may be sources of help and information to y’all.

16

I know. Thanks for the offer. I’ve been browsing the FMF website - which is pretty darn good. So far, she has limited herself to accusing the dead and the distant - no harm has been done. I suspect before she hits bottom, the close and living will get accused, so we are documenting her accusations.

17

True, but if you stay engaged, she’ll destroy you along with herself.

It’s impossible to save someone from herself, and you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped. If you want to make a helping hand available, you need to set the ground rules under which it will be extended, and stick to them. Otherwise she’ll disappear into her black hole and pull you down with her.

18

You mean an alcoholic will find reasons they drink that are no fault of their own? I wonder if any have concocted child molestation as one. Oh, wait. That was covered. IMO, that rehab center should maybe be investigated. I’m no expert on treatment, but my own common sense (for whatever it’s worth) tells me the addiction gets treated first, then you work on any past issues that may be present.

You don’t take a frail person shouldering the weight of addiction and find ways to increase the load at the first chance available. Allow the cynic in me to think they’re angling for further billing when dealing with the molestation later. (Of course, if she was molested, that’s something that will have to be dealt with as well. I don’t know what the truth is.)

Moving your sister home seems like what any caring sibling would hope for. But it will all be for naught if it just means she can keep drinking and have a purse available in a shorter time frame.

It hurts to know people like you are going through this. I pray I never know what it’s like. This is all opinion so don’t think I’m offering advice from on-high.

The fact it’s affecting you enough to write the OP, I suspect you’re more affected than this than you might want to admit to yourself. Let me clarify.

You said you don’t want to attend Al-Anon. I feel you’re missing the point of Al-Anon. It doesn’t matter if you ever hear from your sister again. She’s still your sister, and it’s still affecting you. As evidenced here. There are many in Al-Anon that have no contact with the addict. It doesn’t mean the drinker is completely out of their lives because they don’t talk to them. There are things such as grief, guilt (in whatever form), disappointment, and the feeling nobody you know has ever felt what you are.

That’s what Al-Anon is. It’s your support system of people that are going through what you are. From those I know who are members, it’s the one place they know people who know what they’re going through. It’s just as important as AA is to the alcoholic.

I hope the best for your sister and family. I hope better for you. Consider the resource available. Some drunks take years to find a purpose in AA. I don’t see why it should be any different for someone that could benefit from Al-Anon. You love your sister, and it seems her addiction is affecting you. Abstinance of one doesn’t always mean peace for another.

I hope the best for you and your family. And I apologize for stepping on any toes. just a few thoughts. good luck with it.

19

My dad drank himself to death April 14, 2005. He did not take the rest of the family with him because we cut him loose to sink on his own after decades of trying to have a normal family life. Did we do the right thing? Should we have done more? Did we give up too soon? Those are the kinds of questions your family is probably going to ask themselves with regard to your sister. Make sure you’ve done all you can to support without enabling, then let her go. You can’t save someone who won’t save themselves.

20

I adamantly agree with those who say you can’t help someone who doesn’t want help and to continue to engage will certainly drag you down too, and all that.

However, looking back at the OP, I see it’s only been four months. And I just want to say that if I ever found myself in the shoes of the sister with a problem, I’d want my family to give me a bit more than four months before turning me out. Just sayin’.