My alcoholic mother, round 2 (long)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Someone kill me now. Please.

I’m over here visiting my mother. I’ve been here for the last few days (more like a week, really), and she’s been laid up drunk pretty much the entire time.

In the time I’ve been here, she’s gone through at least 4 pints of rum. Maybe more.

She was not feeling well earlier (though I don’t know if this is legit, or if she was just hungover), and asked me to call her work and tell them she wouldn’t be in. So I did. She had to be there about 2pm, and I called a little after noon. No problem.

She got up a few hours later (read: 9pm or so) and asked me to call her work and tell them that she wasn’t feeling well. I told her that I’d already done that. Satisfied, she went back to bed.

A few hours later (read: about 11:30pm), she asked me to call her work and tell them that she wasn’t feeling well. I told her that Id already done that, and she asked me to do it for Tuesday. I did.

Maybe she’s really sick, right? Maybe I’m kidding myself.

Just now, she got up and asked me to call her work to tell them that she wasn’t feeling well. I told her that I’d already done that, and that I’d done it for Tuesday, too. She asked me what day it was. I told her that it was just becoming Tuesday, and that she’d already been called in for tomorrow. She asked me to help her get back to bed. I did. She broke down crying, telling me that she missed Doug (my stepfather. He left because he couldn’t handle her drinking). That she hated herself, that she wanted to die. That she was in so much pain that she just wanted to not live anymore. I asked her if she wanted me to contact Doug. She said no. I said okay. I asked her if she wanted me to get her some help. She said no, and told me to go away. So I left her in her bedroom.

She then came in the den, where I am now, and told me not to get her any help. She made me swear on my niece’s life, and hers, that I wouldn’t get her any help.

I caved. I did it. I told her that I wouldn’t get her any help unless she asked me to.

That happened about an hour ago. I had to stop just now because she wandered in here again, sat down on the footstool, and started bawling. Crying about how she misses Doug. About how she misses my dad, and has ever since they separated, and how he was the one great love of her life. She said that she wanted to die. And that life hurt too much. And she asked me why she was so hard to love.

And she asked me why she couldn’t get sober.

I asked her if she wanted to get sober. She said yes. I asked her if she wanted me to get her some help. She said no, and told me to get away from her.

She then told me that I was a clever one, trying to trick her into admitting that she wanted to go to rehab.

She’s just staggered off to bed. Again. I may have to go through this one more time tonight.

I’m really detesting myself right now. I’m the strong one in the family. And she’s drinking herself into an early grave, and there’s nothing that anyone can do. We can’t MAKE her stop. She has to admit that she has a problem, which she kind of did tonight, but she has to be sober when she does it, and she has to say that she wants to dry out. Otherwise, knowing her, she runs the risk of falling back into it just out of spite. If she doesn’t want to get clean, she won’t. It’s that simple. Or so it seems to me.

2

I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It must be so difficult for you and the rest of your family to have to deal with her alcoholism. I agree that she has to be the one to decide she wants help. Have you talked to her about this when she is sober? Perhaps you can write her a letter about how hard it is for you to deal with her drinking. Writing a letter can make it easier to get all your feelings and points across. Maybe you can give her a book about how alcoholism affects families, or you can watch a film like Bill W. I hope she goes for help. Hang in there, and good luck.

3

You can do nothing to help her. She can only help herself when she decides to do it. What you can do is attend some Al-Anon meetings for your own peace of mind. They will not tell you how to make your mother stop drinking, but they will tell you how you can help yourself, which may, in turn, ultimately, help her.

It sucks living with an alcoholic. I know. My SO is/was one. But it is funny how things changed when my attitude towards his drinking did. He has been sober for over 10 years now, but I still use those same tools I learned in Al-Anon in other aspects of our lives.
(I hope this doesn’t sound preachy or condensending. It isn’ t meant to be.)

4

I wish I could be as positive as mala. My mother has been an alcoholic (and a heavy smoker) for 40 years at least. Unfortunately she has the constitution of an ox and is still fairly healthy at 81.

Sounds like you feel for yours a lot more than I do for mine. I’ve moved on with my life and, while I wish she’d get better, I know she won’t so at least I don’t let it ruin my life as it has hers. The fact that she was a terrible mother has helped me distance myself.

So I’m with Lyllyan; she won’t do anything meaningful about it until she’s ready to, which may be never. The best you can do for yourself may be to accept that; if she somehow does then come good that will come as a wonderful surprise.

5

I’m not sure how this works legally in the States, but isn’t there a possibility to have someone comitted if they’re clearly endangering themselves?

Your mother is attempting a slow form of suicide, Superdude, and her constantly impaired mind is unable to break the cycle. And it never will, unless she sobers up.

Some may not like me for saying this, but I think you owe it to your mother to break that promise you made her. Get help.

She may thank you for it later, or she may hate you for the rest of her life. But she’s your mother, and it’s your moral duty to make sure she doesn’t harm herself, if you have the chance to do so.

This is all my opinion, of course, and as said: I have no idea what the legal ramifications are. All I know is that should I be in Superdude’s shoes, I would have no problem whatsoever breaking that promise.

6

Coldfire, there is a mechanism for commitment for self-harm, but generally, it’s 48-72 hours, if the hospital will even admit her. Just enough time to get most of the alcohol out of her system, wait out the time, and go home to drink some more. Lather, rinse, repeat. She’s the one who’s going to have to break that cycle, and she won’t until she wants to. And she may never want to.

Lyllyan is right. Al-Anon will help give you peace of mind and help you with your relationship with your mother. Good luck, and if you want to e-mail, it’s below. :slight_smile:

Robin

7

Al-Anon, man. Al-Anon. REALLY REALLY helped me with an alcoholic wife.

Go. Just once. You don’t like it or it doesn’t speak to you, don’t go back. But go. Just once.

8

Superdude, my sister-in-law is an alcoholic and probable drug addict (had certainly been for much of her life), and my husband’s family is going through much of the same thing with her. She’s facing eviction for the second time this year; her parents bailed her out the first time but we’ll see if they do it again. For disturbing the peace, she and her abusive boyfriend got tossed in jail in Michigan on Sunday, and yesterday harassed one of her sisters with nearly a dozen collect calls since she didn’t have cash for bail money. The sister wired her the money, telling her that she only did it out of fear that she’d harass their parents next, and that she should never call again under any circumstances.

It hurts, but she has to hit bottom. And any help you provide will simply prolong that from happening, I fear. Do what you can to help yourself, in the meantime.

9

What everyone else has said, and I have to add: Stop calling in “sick” at work for her. She’s using you. Just tell her she has to call herself next time she asks. By making excuses for her, you’re making it possible for her to stay on her current bender. If she doesn’t call in to work and doesn’t show up, her employer might be prompted to do something. That might actually be require her to get some help – there still are a lot of employers who do that – or it might be to fire her, but in any case feeling the consequences of her drinking will go a long ways towards helping her ask for help. She has to sink or swim on her own till she’s ready for help; anything you do right now, however well meant, is probably mostly helping to prolong her drinking and is actually doing more harm than good.

And in the meantime, Al-Anon. Al-Anon. Al-Anon.

10

Oh jeez…Kevin, I’ve talked with you about this before, and I’ll just echo my previous advice and that of others in this thread: Al-Anon. You need to have tools of your own to help deal with this situation.

And what Mama Tiger said, stop calling in sick for her. This is enabling. Be ready to help her if she decides she wants help stopping drinking, but do NOT help her to continue her sick drinking behavior. No calling in sick for her, no buying alcohol for her, nothing.

I know how much this hurts, hon, and I’m so sorry that she’s back on this downward spiral. Alcoholism, is a twisted, horrible disease and it tears up the family as well as the alcoholic. Once again: go to Al-Anon. Their website has resources, including meeting listings, and more info about the program.

Feel free to email me if you need to talk about this further.

11

I hope I am not out of line here. I don’t know you, but I do have some experience.

Yeah to what everyone else said. I have lived with an alcoholic very similar to your Mother. She does not want help. If she did she would get it. She likes things the way they are even if she is crying all the time. If she didn’t, she would change it. So, she has not only messed up her life she is messing up yours because you are letting her. If you are unhappy, then change your life. You can’t change hers.

12

I heartily second this advice. This is probably the best, most direct way for you to get out of the insanity. But if the first Al-Anon meeting doesn’t grab you, try another.

13

I couldn’t agree more. If any promises were made to be broken, this has to be one of them.

14

Hon, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You gotta do the best you can for both yourself & the person while simultaneously realizing that said person’s responsible for their choices & the consequences thereof & you’re responsible for yours. Much easier said than done, I know.

Take my advice with a grain of salt, if you wish, 'cause while I’ve dealt with people who ask for advice that they don’t take, I’ve never knowingly dealt with an active alcoholic.

I think that you need to take care of yourself first & foremost: If your mother ever decides that she wants to try rehab & you want to be there to encourage her when she goes in & comes out clean, you’ll need to have your brain straight. I’ll join the choir of voices that’s suggesting that you go to Al-Anon.

What I think you should do for your mother is to allow her to face the consequences of drinking. No calling in sick for her - maybe even no contacting your stepfather for her; I’d ask someone who’s dealt with alcoholics about that before I went ahead.

I do know for sure that you have to live your own life as best you can & that she has to realize that she’s alone when it comes to continuing her behaviors. You’re not willing to help her continue her slide.

Like other people said, you can’t make her stop drinking. I think that it’s important to know that deep down. The best thing you can do is to try & get your own head straight. Good luck, hon.

15

It’s heart-breaking to see your parent do this to themselves. I did it for years. In fact, I can’t recall a time that I didn’t have to deal with drinking/drugs/etc from my father.

The one thing that did my head in was this (and still is to a large extent, especially now that I’m a mom):

I’m supposed to be the most important thing in the world to this person, and s/he is putting a vile toxic liquid before me EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Once you get past that, you’re 98% there. You have to fix your own head and sort out what years of taking care of someone who is supposed to be caring for you has done to you.

In my own case, I had, for the first time, made an honest attempt at repairing my relationship with my dad, when he fell off the wagon after 9 years or so of being sober. It broke my heart. I had to let go of it and just move on with my own life. I cannot MAKE him who I want him to be (A parent who I can trust and respect, a person who won’t embarrass me, etc.). It was hard and I did it largely because of the support of my husband and a few friends.

You need support to do this. Every person at Al-Anon will know exactly what you’re going through. Trust me on this.

If you don’t mind my saying, from my observation of you over the last several years with regards to women (I’m so damn straightforward), I think, from a selfish point of view, until you get your head sorted out wrt your mom, you won’t be able to have a healthy relationship with a woman.

Isn’t that incentive enough?