I think I have reached total desperation. It’s a sickening sort of feeling that gets you right in your gut. You wring your hands so much that they start to smell funny (why???.. i have no idea). I’m extremely shocked to not be crying. I normally cry at the drop of a hat, and this is certainly worse feeling than a stupid hat. (Where the hell did that phrase come from? Who cries about dropping a hat??) I do, however, think I may throw up. I’ve never been financially stable. Never, even as a kid my parents struggled constantly. But I kind of always thought that if I kept working hard and kept paying the bills it would either get easier, or better, or something-er. I’m a good person. It ought to work that way. This has got to be the bottom. There’s no one else I can owe and not much else I have that can break down or need replacing or fixing. (I’m afraid to say that, because I certainly realize there’s plenty of ways life can get worse…) And how is it that working is worse than unemployment?? We must have gotten more behind than I thought. I keep thinking about that scene in Titanic when the boat is FINALLY going under, after hours of slowly filling up with water, and breaking in half, and bobbing up and down… you eventually just go under. My in-laws and my husband are pressuring me to declare bankruptcy, which scares the shit right out of me. It’s not like it’s going to turn the electricity on or fill the refrigerator with food for Christ’s sake.
Ok, so NOW I’m crying. Something about finally getting it all out. I’m not sure if I actually feel better or not.
I’m so sorry you’re having such a difficult time. Writing about it here is a good thing. One, because you’re getting it out, and that helps to blow off steam and putting words to your feelings (which I did too, just a few minutes ago). Getting it out there is so much better than keeping it inside. Two, there are a lot of good people here with ears to lend. You’re not alone. Have a hug.
There is scarier, not filing bankruptcy and losing everything while still owing for it. Consult a lawyer. The first interview is free or very cheap. He will let you know if it makes sense to do. You can’t be under any more stress consulting the lawyer. I know bankruptcy doesn’t solve a problem of too low of a cash flow and solve everything making it a happy joy joy world. It does give you a better chance at survival.
I’m very sorry, Jelymag. I don’t know anything about bankruptcy, but you need to find someone to talk to about your options. You need food in the fridge and you need power, and there have to be some ways to work that out.
Thank you for the support, everyone. It’s nice to know I can just vent and people will listen. I’m looking into some options so I can get some information. I really don’t own much of anything, so I’m not really sure what would happen. We rent an apartment, and we have a piece of crap car that, remarkably, we still owe a few payments on. The only things we have that are really worth much of anything are a computer and my wedding rings. But I don’t know anything about bankruptcy other than what I’ve seen on TV, so I guess to start with we just need information.
Jelymag, I am not a lawyer, but I am a legal assistant with a bankruptcy firm. Talk to friends (if you are comfortable doing that) and get a referral to a good bankruptcy attorney/firm. My bosses will do a free one-hour consult and their fees, if the client chooses to retain them, are based on the amount of debt. There are options.
Everything everyone has already said is absolutely on the mark.
I recommend getting together all your bills and pay stubs and take the huge step of seeing an attorney. You will feel so much better by taking action.
I was between jobs when I developed a serious illness that wiped out my job, material things and retirement accounts. I balked at bankruptcy but once I made that decision and got that financial Godzilla off my back, the clouds parted and I was able to sleep again.
A good night’s sleep is the first step in accomplishing…anything!
Thank you again, everyone. I’ve started researching the different kinds of bankruptcy and am still on the fence so to speak. I just keep feeling like it should be an absolute last resort, and have I really done everything else to try to fix the situation(s) we’re in? I mean, there’s the immediate problems of the electricity possibly being cut off, and the tags dead on the car, and having the cash for gas to get back and forth to work. (We did buy food, because we figured what else good are we if we can’t eat, lol.) But then there are the longer term problems of debt and being behind on just about everything, and not looking like we can catch up any time soon. I guess that’s what the real function of bankruptcy is. For now, I’m looking for a second job for some extra cash to catch up on some of the really important stuff. I’m not really comfortable talking to friends about it yet, mostly because I will feel embarrassed and bad if they offer money to help. But my work offers free short-term counseling services, and supposedly they deal with financial troubles too so I intend to set up an appointment with them this week.
If anyone else has info on bankruptcy, I’m all ears!! I’m especially interested in knowing the truth about the consequences that go with it.
Thank you again everyone!! I appreicate the ability to have people to talk to about all of this.
Filing bankruptcy was a tough decision and in some ways has made my life more difficult. But I don’t regret it for a minute. I accumulated a large amount of debt when I had a long term illness (several years) but worrying about the debt and wondering how I was ever going to pay it off was like an illness of its’ own.
Whatever your decision, you need to take control of your finances and learn how to manage your money properly. Using the * Never, even as a kid my parents struggled constantly* excuse won’t fly anymore. You are an adult and it is time to act like an adult and make big girl decisions and then act them out.
Bankruptcy is NOT the end of the world (as we know it etc).
Just think of all of those extremely rich fuckers who have bailed out on their debts (amounting to millions of $) who manage to keep their personal assets only to arise like the proverbial phoenex (phoenixes, phoenii??) and begin again. Alas, these folk do not appear to have learned much from their lessons, and thus start the round of dodgy investments and ripping others off to the max again.
If you want to Wiki ‘Alan Bond’ you’ll get an example of that which I speak. IOW, maybe you should become a BAD person, rather than the honourable type…that way you’ll get away with a shitload more than you are now!
What puzzles me though is why your husband is pushing you towards making this decision. Why are your commitments seperate from his? I understand that many couples do in fact have completely seperate finances, but if it is you and not him having this crisis, why is he not able to help you out of the fiscal quagmire you find yourself in?
How do you know that I haven’t acted like an adult? I didn’t tell you how I got into this situation. I don’t go on shopping sprees, I don’t have expensive tastes, I scrimp and save on everything we have to buy. I always have. And I was only adding the part about my parents anecdotaly; I don’t feel that I use it as an excuse. I’m well aware of the decisions I’ve made and how they have affected my life, but I don’t feel like they were irresponsible ones. Maybe I shouldn’t have gone to college on student loans. Maybe I should have worked and gone to school part time instead. Maybe I shouldn’t have had a small wedding. Maybe I should have just gone to the courthouse. Maybe I should have gotten a second job when I was single. Maybe I shouldn’t have chosen to become a teacher. I think I could have made DIFFERENT choices but I don’t feel that I’ve made IRRESPONSIBLE choices. The other things that have led to our problems are health problems and being laid off from jobs. I didn’t have any control over those.
Shirley Ujest, I’m really sincerely sorry if I’ve reacted disproportionately to you but I am having a difficult time and am a little sensitive. But the next time you want to accuse me of behaving like a child, please ask yourself how much you might not know about me or my situation.
I think (and I’m sorry for putting words in Shirley’s mouth) that she’s trying to say that you need to figure out how you came to this place. If you aren’t spending big, and you’re working full time, where is the money going? Do you have a budget that you stick to rigorously?
Until you identify why you aren’t making ends meet, you can’t get those two ends (income and outlay) to ever balance. Even with a bankruptcy, you may still have the problem.
Just as an illustration - I’m a single woman working a pink-collar job that doesn’t pay a lot. I drive a 13-year old car (but it’s paid for!) and I own my own home (160 year old farmhouse, without central heat and air, but it’s on a 15 year mortgage that’s 1/3 way through) that is cheaper than most apartments because it’s “primitive”. I know exactly how much I have coming in and know exactly what I have going out and budget for one home improvement project per year. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back, I’m just saying that if I can do it, so can you. From the way your childhood was, you probably were never taught how to manage cash. This isn’t something you pick up by osmosis. Either you learn young or you learn the hard way.
Good luck to you. Whether it’s bankruptcy or consumer credit counseling, I hope you can turn things around. And if you really don’t have food in the fridge, use your local foodbank. You can always donate when things are better for you.
Couple failed businesses and using credit to fill the gap until the ventures paid off and viola: over my freakin’ head. After a year of working my ass off to manage (juggle) the debt, pay the mortgage and keep the lights on, etc. We pulled the trigger on chapter 7.
Best damned thing evar. When the smoke cleared, the house was foreclosed, the car was repo’d, and $70k in debt was gone. We had nothing at all in the way of stuff, really, apart from the '83 Corolla. The best piece of tech was a 10 year old 21 inch TV.
But we were standing on the floor of a crater and the only way to go was up. Walking out of the courtroom after the BK hearing was like walking into a different, brighter world. The phone was still connected but had stopped ringing off the wall. Everything in the (rental) house was ours and paid for. And I still had my job. Do things in the right order though:
Detach yourself emotionally from the material world when making financial decisions for a while
If you’re going to lose your house (and can’t sell it), vacate it and get into a rental before the shit hits the fan. BK and or foreclosure can make it difficult to rent a decent place.
If there are car repairs that need to get done, do them and put it on The Card.
Do the bankruptcy. Just do it. You don’t get a tattoo or some physical disfigurement, but you will be able to smile again and enjoy your life and family. The alternative is to let financial crises grind your relationships, nerves and self-esteem into dust…and then you’ll still have to file.
Chapter 13 = reorganization of debt. you have to pay some back
Chapter 7 = erasure of all non-secured debt; a clean slate. Any amounts you still owe the bank after a repo or foreclosure are considered nonsecured debt. Check with your attorney about timing if these are potential issues.
4 years post BK I was able to qualify for a home loan at a respectable rate. The BK is still on my credit report as I approach year 7 (it’s on for 10), but it’s not the financial kiss of death. it just makes debts go away and forces you to learn to live more conservatively–good habits to have, actually.
