I need to leave my husband. Any suggestions on how ?

[StGermain]

Dragongirl - At 10 and 12, aren’t your children old enough to stay by themselves for a few hours around your work schedule? Get a fulltime job. It may not be what you want, but sometimes that’s the way life is. Save money. It sounds to me like you’re in no imminent danger. If you want to leave, you have to be ready to live the life of a single mother. Even though your husband will have to pay child support, that’s generally based on his income. If he chooses to cut back on his hours and thus his income, your children’s support money will be reduced. You will be primarily responsible for them and yourself. I’d suggest you make a list. Think of it step by step. First, transportation. Second, a job, third, savings, fourth, a plan to move out. You’ll have to save enough for a deposit and rent. A list breaks it down into more doable steps. So first - transportation. Ask your neighbors if there are any openings where they work, so you could carpool. Baby steps. Breaking out of your inertia is the most important part.

Goodluck.

StG

[Bill_H]

Guinastasia, I read the links you posted. Yes, the husband certainly sounds like a jerk. But reading each of those only reinforces my opinion that there’s another side to all this. I won’t rehash each of those threads, but each made me wonder what else was going on.

And I just gotta add: There’s a local woman’s shelter that I support. I’d be a little upset if I found that my money was used to house women strictly because their husband had called them names. Personally, I think the advice given by some above (“You’re being abused! Run run run! dial that 800 number now!”) really demeans the very real problem of spousal abuse.

[Guinastasia]

IIRC, her daughter is developmentally disabled.

[DeVena]

@Bill H.

And I just gotta add: There’s a local woman’s shelter that I support. I’d be a little upset if I found that my money was used to house women strictly because their husband had called them names. Personally, I think the advice given by some above (“You’re being abused! Run run run! dial that 800 number now!”) really demeans the very real problem of spousal abuse.

Please understand that not all abuse is physical.

Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, is used to control, demean, harm or punish a woman. While the forms of abuse may vary, the end result is the same - a woman is fearful of her partner and changes her behaviour to please him or be safe from harm. Many people think that emotional abuse is not as serious or harmful as physical abuse. Women state that this is not true, and that the biggest problem they often face is getting others to take emotional abuse seriously.

More information on Emotional Abuse

[malkavia]

I just wanted to pop in and tell you all how proud I am of this message board right now. Someone posts about their dire situation simply looking for advice and no less than 5 people immediately offer their assistance in one way or another. You are all unbelievably good people and I’m so proud to be a part of this board sniffle
dragongirl, it’s no surprise that so many of us are supporting your decision to leave. Every OP of yours that I’ve run across has painted your marriage in a horrifyingly negative light.

I think that most of us realize how difficult change can be too. However, it is a must if you wish for your situation to change. Insanity truly is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

This is also your opportunity to set an example for your children. Your children will grow up learning what you have taught them by your actions, not your words. As a child who was raised in a very tense, hurtful and abusive household for a good portion of my childhood, I can tell you that even now I have a VERY hard time discerning “normal relationship troubles” from an abusive relationship. Is that the future that you want for your children?

I don’t mean to sound harsh, but this has been such an ongoing saga for you and nothing has truly changed from the very first OP regarding your husband. He’s still a dick, you’re still making excuses and your children are still in an unstable environment that will eventually (if it hasn’t already) cause long term emotional damage to them both.

Any chance of getting a job at your children’s school? Are you truly in the middle of nowhere with no bus line within a few miles? Have you looked into at-home letter stuffing, appointment setting, telemarketing, etc etc? It’s not great money and you have to weed out the MLM offers to find some sincere at-home work, but it would be a start and it is something that you could do (and maybe not mention to hubby) while beginning to put back money for the move. How about housecleaning services? Something small that you could offer to people in your immediate community? Lawn mowing/pet sitting/baby sitting/whatever people do for other people in PA. Really sit down and decide what you are going to do to change your situation.

If “but it’s too hard” is going to keep you from making these changes, you may want to consider how best to just accept your situation the way that it is. That’s a hard truth, but one that is necessary.

Once you’re a single mother, you will find that you must constantly work your ass off to make ends meet and take care of your children and the household. It’s hard, but you know what? It’s possible. It’s possible and millions of people before you have done it.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope that you’ll do what is right for you and for your kids.

[Bill_H]

DeVena wrote

Please understand that not all abuse is physical.

Absolutely.

But there’s a huge difference between say angrily threatening to harm someone, and saying “your breasts are like udders”.

One is abusive and one is boorish. I’m proud to financially support institutions that fight the first. And I’m not pleased by people who try to lump the second into the first for the sake of drama or perhaps support of their fellow sufferer.

[Cub_Mistress]

I must disagree with Bill H. If her husband was to walk up to a woman at a bar and tell her that her breasts are like udders, that would be boorish. To say itt to the woman you are married to and have sworn to love is abuse. It was said to make her feel worthless so he can control her more easily.
**dragongirl ** I’ve been hoping to read a post saying that you’re leaving the jerk for months now. Take a deep breath and go for it!

[Giraffe]

@Bill H.

And I just gotta add: There’s a local woman’s shelter that I support. I’d be a little upset if I found that my money was used to house women strictly because their husband had called them names. Personally, I think the advice given by some above (“You’re being abused! Run run run! dial that 800 number now!”) really demeans the very real problem of spousal abuse.

It’s awesome that you give money to a women’s shelter. However, supporting a charity does not give you the right to judge whether other people’s problems are sufficiently serious to make use of that charity. Your gift doesn’t make you the gate keeper. If you want your money to only support battered women, give it to a shelter that promises not to help anyone with less than two black eyes and one broken bone.

[pseudotriton_ruber_ruber]

Because in a similarly-titled thread some time ago (begun by one of the posters in this thread), I offered some comments like yours, questioning the OP’s story and some particulars, and–what can I say? It was not appreciated nor do I think it was helpful appearing in that thread. I apologized for making the person feel under criticism, and I meant my apologies sincerely, though I thought I had raised some valid issues. It’s just that they weren’t valid in that thread.

So could you bring up your legitimate questions, maybe, in another thread, perhaps questioning the definitions of abuse that Women’s shelters currently use, and why you think they’re too broad, or whatever? I just think that discussion could take place more usefully outside of this emotionally-charged background, and it will probably be appreciated outside of the context of this thread.

Just an idea.

[papergirl]

As one of those advocating the “get the hell out NOW” strategy, I can expand a bit on my rationale.
Dragongirl is already isolated. She doesn’t seem to have transportation, she doesn’t have a job/income of her own. Not much in the way of family or friends to support her in her endeavor.
And now her husband has upped the pressure. Now, in addition to the above, she also doesn’t have access to money, unless she has some squirrelled away somewhere.
Without a car, without money to get to interviews, without access to those bank accounts, she is well and truly stuck. And I don’t know any way out of that situation except to start making some calls and find some help out of it.
She can bide her time and hope that he loosens up a bit, so that she can get the car fixed, get a job, save some cash, make some plans, etc (which is what FB did, and obviously it was appropriate in her situation). Or she can look at the sitation and ask herself: Is he going to loosen up? Or is he going to get more and more controlling?
I don’t know the answer to that one–I trust her judgement about it. But in my situation–one that sounds more and more like hers, the more I read of it–my husband just became more controlling as he realized I was becoming more independent. Once the sexual abuse started–and yes, forcing someone into oral sex is abusive (I know he hasn’t yet, but will he? Who wants to live with that threat?)–I knew it was over and I HAD to get out. (With my ex, it was slapping–out of the blue, during sex, right after the birth of our baby. Very romantic.)

If I had to do it all over again, I would’ve left earlier, with my babies and the clothes on my back. I opted to wait until I was better off financially, but I’m still not
sure that I made the right decision.

It’s a gamble. He might cool off and give her a chance to make plans and get things together; he might just escalate. Dragongirl has to make that call.

[Rashak_Mani]

I’ll side with Bill H. on this… something doesn’t seem to add up. Usually when couples go sour its rarely 100% the fault of one party. Naturally we would tend to defend her side since that is the side we are being presented with.

I won’t judge people I don’t know… but obviously dragongirl is in a shitty situation no matter if the story is complete or not. I hope things get better… but I also don’t hope your looking for justification for whatever your doing from dopers who don’t have a complete insight to your grievances and faults.

[Grrr]

Emotional abuse, like physical abuse, is used to control, demean, harm or punish a woman. While the forms of abuse may vary, the end result is the same - a woman is fearful of her partner and changes her behaviour to please him or be safe from harm. Many people think that emotional abuse is not as serious or harmful as physical abuse. Women state that this is not true, and that the biggest problem they often face is getting others to take emotional abuse seriously.

Bolding mine

The implications of this kills me. Like women aren’t capable of doing this… :rolleyes:
** Bill H.** does have a point but as someone else has already said. He just posted it in the wrong thread.

[CanvasShoes]

@Cynical Optimist

Bill H: Let’s take the bulleted items one at a time:

1. Willingness to work 80+ hours a week is a positive, but if he feels entitled to demean his wife because of it it’s time to cut back on the workload.

2. While I don’t know her, I suspect what she means is to work at a higher paying job. If you can’t make ends meet after an 80+ hour a week shift something isn’t right.

IIRC, the OP’s husband WANTS to work at that particular job, he’s a trucker and it makes him feel like a man. And, also IIRC, he had the opportunity to get a better paying job, but wanted to stay with this one. He only recently decided that the OP must work because his buddies were ribbing him about it.

3. Finding anything is easy when you have a car and don’t have kids. Unfortunately northeastern PA (Catskills I presume) isn’t exactly an economic Mecca. There may very well be little if anything available to someone in her situation needing to be home when the kids are out of school.

And when you live 15 miles away from civilization and public transportation.

4. Apparently she felt that her husband’s job made it possible for her to stay at home, not an unreasonable assumption given the hours he keeps. Even McJobs pay “well” when you factor in that much overtime.

Well, actually IIRC he wanted her to be a SAHM until the recent ribbing by his buddies. Like other posters have said, the history and “proof” if you will, is in previous posts as well.

This is a classic abuser/victim scenario, that he’s not physically hurting her does not lessen the severity or damage of what he’s doing. I don’t get **Bill H’s ** ignorance here. There are books, documentaries and news stories aplenty on situations just like this.

5. While I appreciate lip service now & then I don’t think I’m entitled to it twice a week just to give a woman the pleasure of my company. That’s just fscking RUDE! If he asked nicely maybe she’d be more willing.

I adored pleasuring my former boyfriend with bj’s. However, if he’d decided that they were OWED to him? That would be an instant and immediate dealbreaker. Who the HELL does this man think he is?

6. Many people are pillars of the community to those outside of the marriage, and holy hell to those within it. I’ve seen this too many times myself.

Oh HELL yeah, you’re so right there. We ALL have. And again, it’s on the news, in documentaries, books and so on. Bill H. can’t possibly be that unaware do the classic signs of an abuser.

7. The ability (or lack thereof) to make friends is no reason to be subjected to this treatment. I’m pretty anti-social myself & I wouldn’t think twice about kicking someone to the curb who believed otherwise, but I’m in a better position than she is.

Right again, and how easy could it be to make friends when you live out in the country with NO transportation or opportunity to go to a place where you could make friends?

[dragongirl]

Sorry I haven’t been able to get back before now. After the kids get home from school there’s a lot to do here.

On one hand, I want to pack up and leave right this minute, but the truth is that he has never been violent to me or the kids and I don’t believe that he will be. However I do feel that this situation is already affecting my kids. My son has been shooting his mouth off and saying the exact same things that my husband is to me. For instance, this weekend he wanted to go to the movies and I told him that we couldn’t go, he said it was my fault that we couldn’t afford it, although I didn’t say that at all.

Just to clarify things, they are both our children.

I don’t want my husband to get a second job, I would like him to look for a better paying job or at least a job that gave him decent hours.

Some time ago the issue came up about me getting a job, I was taken back by it because he always used to support me being a SAHM. However I am not against the idea. But this is easier said then done. My husband told me that he would not help me with any of the housework or any of the kid’s after school activites, he would not be the one to take a day off if they got sick or had a snow day.

I live in a very rural area and even with transportation, it’s tough to find a job here. Based on my husband’s attitude, I need something that would allow me to work hours that would still allow me to handle the rest of the household. I have no education beyond high school, so I couldn’t make enough to pay a sitter. I do feel that my kid’s would be OK if left alone, but only for about an hour. Most of the jobs I’ve seen in the paper that I qualify for are the 3-11 P.M. shift and I feel that it’s too much time to leave the kids alone. We do have neighbors, but none are very close by, so they wouldn’t have anywhere to go in an emergency. Please don’t think that these are excuses, but they are situations that I need to deal with.

As for my husband’s side of the story, I wish I could tell you what he’s thinking, but he never tells me so I don’t know. The other day he started to say something, then stopped. I asked him what he wanted to say, I told him that I wanted to hear what was on his mind, I told him that I wouldn’t be angry or judgemental, I just wanted him to tell me what was going on. He didn’t. All he said is that it wasn’t my business. I asked him what he felt was bitchy about me and the only answer he gave was that I don’t support him is his job. This was after he got mad at me because he wanted to buy a new pair of boots and I told him that we couldn’t afford it this week, but maybe next payday, he asked why and I said that we just weren’t making it.

I hate blowjobs. I hate them because every expierence I’ve ever had with them was bad. I can’t give them and look at myself in the mirror the next day. When we were dating I gave him one or two and I explained how I felt about them and why I felt that way. He said he was OK with it, but over the past three years that has changed too. He’s turned up a lot of pressure about it. Which makes me feel even worse about them.

I don’t have a lot of friends. I have two really wonderful friends who have always been there for me and I have been there for them. I have a lot of people who I get along with and chat with but we don’t hang around together, have coffee or anything like that. When we first moved to PA, there was about a 4 year span of time that I did not have a car and I had two small children and no neighbor within walking distance. It was very difficult to make friends and I became a homebody.

With the money, I just don’t know why I’m taking the blame for the problems. I have tried to talk to my husband about the finances every payday, to explain where the money goes. He gets very angry at me. He calls me a liar and tells me that he makes plenty of money. He doesn’t. He can’t seem to understand that he can’t take $20.00 from the ATM machine every day with out telling me that he took it.

I don’t feel that I need to go to a battered women’s shelter at this time, but I do need to make a very good plan and get the hell out of here. I will begin looking for help tomorrow. I don’t know what’s out there, but I hope to find something.

[Dangerosa]

Since he isn’t physcially abusive and you don’t think he will be, and has threatened to leave, call him on it. Suggest he move out and you go through a legal seperation. I know money is tight, the first thing that will need to be established is support during the seperation. Perhaps HE can move in with a friend for a month or two while you both figure out how this is going to work.

See if there is legal aid for your area. Try this site (I just googled, don’t know if its any good) http://www.palegalservices.org/

[FaerieBeth]

@bodypoet

It’s a gamble. He might cool off and give her a chance to make plans and get things together; he might just escalate. Dragongirl has to make that call.

Yes, she does. It’s a hard call to make and one that will have you second guessing yourself for ages.

I know my situation was different from the one she presents. I was forced by my husband to get a job, and he wasn’t interested in sex at all. Summed up, my situation was 80s Valley-girl Cheerleader type marries “Good Ol’ Country Boy”…and then he went through some sort of religious ecstasy and it became 80s Valley-girl Cheerleader type is married to fundamentalist street-preacher type. But I digress…

The main thrust of my advice was this part

@me

So I guess my advice is: be calm, plan, and understand that leaving is the first step TOWARD making a better life. The leaving part won’t make things better overnight.

This can apply to the situation whether she leaves tonight or in a year’s time. So many folks are (understandably) suggesting she leave NOW! and things will be better. They’re right. Things will be better, but not by the next morning or the next week. Leaving isn’t the immediate fix that will have everything coming up roses and sunshine. It’s a long, hard row …filled with regret, recriminations from your conscience, children, ex, family…second guessing…Lo, these many years later, I still have the small occasional heartbreaks that are unique to sharing your children with an ex.

dragongirl absolutely should not have to live under the conditions she describes. I just want her to be aware of what she’s facing, and not come back in a week or a month heartbroken because she feels we misled her into doing something difficult and heart-wrenching.

[StGermain]

dragongirl - I hate to say it, but you seem to constantly put yourself in the role of victim. Instead of saying what you can do, you concentrate on what you can’t do. Maybe the jobs you see in the paper are the evening shift, but what about those jobs that aren’t in the paper? What about flipping burgers or clerking in a store? Not high-paying jobs, but it’ll get you started and the hours should be more flexible. At 10 & 12, I should think your kids could spend 2-3 hours alone. If your housekeeping has to go down a bit, it won’t kill you or your family. When you do get a divorce, you’ll have to work and somehow the housework will have to get done. Your children are certainly of an age where they should be helping. Are you doing your children a service by babying them? If your son is disrespecting you, you need to put a stop to it. You’re the adult - act like it.

StG

[Bill_H]

dragongirl, the first step in your plan must be to get a job. Everything hinges around that.

If you leave, you’ll need money and that comes from a job.

If for some reason you decide to stay, things will be better with more money around. Whoever said “money can’t buy you love” has never been poor.

No matter what, you need a car, and that requires money which requires a job.

I know it’s hard, but you must find a job. Don’t feel that without a college degree that you can’t do things. Get a job, any job and go from there.

[leenmi]

dragongirl, if you feel you need to leave the marriage, or you believe that the marriage can not be salvaged, then you should make your life better. Women’s shelters may be able to help you since emotional abuse is abuse.

But you still need a job, a place to live and transportation. I understand being a SAHM isn’t always a glowing resume, but a women’s resource center may be able to point you to someone willing to give a mother a break or rent controlled apartments that will work with your lack of immediate funds.

Someone else may have mentioned it, though I didn’t notice any in the previous posts, but churches can help with this, too. Clergy can open up some doors for you, if your willing to work at it. Talking to clergy is also a way to vent your frustrations and get things off your chest. It’s cathartic.

I guess my point is that, while you may not be able to leave immediately, there are people or organizations that can help you get a job while you save up for a better life.

[Alice_The_Goon]

Let’s see. Husband decides wife needs a job yet is unwilling to help *at all * with the kids and the house. She’d BE a single working mother if she had a job, with him working 80 hours a week and not helping.
By the way, what’s with the 80-hour workweeks and no money, anyway? Do you see his paystubs and you know he works that much? Wasn’t there a woman in your journeys somewhere who hated you yet your husband was quite chummy with? If he IS working that much, he calls himself a breadwinner? Whaaa? What does he have to show for it?
Things get tense at home. He can’t be happy (he’s not getting blowjobs) and he has to know she’s unhappy. Her car goes kaput. He wants to buy new boots, yet $150 to fix the other car is too much? Sounds alot like physical isolation of her on his part. "You ain’t goin’ NOwhere, darlin’. "
Then he takes control of the finances. Sounds like financial isolation of her on his part. I imagine (correct me if I’m wrong) you’re to ask when you need groceries or “luxury items” such as clothes and haircuts for yourself and the kids? “You ain’t gettin’ mah money, either.” If he’s a genuis evil mastermind like MY exhusband is, he’ll soon make the connection between him wanting blowjobs and her needing money. The going rate for my ex was one blowjob per haircut or outfit for myself, two for the kids.
Add in the insults and disloyalty he’s shown to her, and I’d say there’s more than a fifty percent chance that no matter how she is in REAL life, as opposed to this message board where we only see her side of the story, she is being emotionally abused and most likely verbally abused. You can’t tell me that anyone deserves to live like this. Whether she brings it on herself or not, she doesn’t deserve to be unhappy and neither do her kids.
She didn’t ask you people if you agreed with her assessment of her life or whether she should leave or not.
Fuck them, dragongirl, they don’t know how you live. Life is too short to be unhappy, and you owe it to your children to give them the best possible life that you can. Get out. You can come to Tucson and sleep on my floor if you have to.
If he is abusive, BET on him to attempt to manipulate you with the children if he suspects or is told you are leaving. Have those ducks in a row, before you go.