Called-Off Wedding blues

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Kremit. It’s hard, I know, but it will get better - eventually.

Now. There are some things that you need to do…

  1. Stop worrying about HIS obligations. He is an adult and is fully capable of living his life without your help. When he’s ready to do work for himself, he will do it. If he doesn’t, it’s his problem, not yours. He has made this clear to you. He can take care of himself. You need to take care of you.

  2. Return EVERY wedding present you’ve received, no matter how small or trivial. Do not rely on him to do his share. You have to do it. And you have to include a note that both thanks the giver and explains that the wedding has been called-off. His side - your side - doesn’t matter. If anyone cared enough to give a present, you should care enough to return it (with an explanation).

  3. Get counseling. It doesn’t matter if he won’t go with you. This is a very big bad thing that has happened to you and you have to work through your grief and mourning. And you will mourn for this. It’s OK - you need to.

  4. Live. Do what is best for you. Personally, I don’t think it’s healthy for you to remain with him. It’s not healthy for either of you.

He has made his decision. Now you have to make yours. Do you stay with him, being mother or cuddle buddy, doing things for him because he needs help, because you’re so nice? This will make him very happy, he get’s love but doesn’t have to return it. This is not good for you. You need to be somewhere safe, where you can heal, and where you can receive the love you need. You aren’t going to get it from him. He has emotionally distanced himself and only wants his needs met.

Good Luck. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Let us know how this goes.

22

I won’t say you’re too young for marriage (I was married at 23 myself) but I don’t think you should marry this guy even if he gets over his “cold feet”

I’ll add my vote to the move out chorus currently playing.

I will also say that if you want children and he doesn’t that will always be between you no matter how much you may love him. Small anecdote of free advice warning :slight_smile:

My friend fell in love and married her beau despite the fact that she really wants kids and he feels that kids would be fine someday. That someday was to come when they got to a more stable financial situation so she worked hard and zeroed all her credit cards and her carpayment and put some money away. Then he said they didn’t have the right car to fit kids in so she got a more kid friendly car… then he said there wasn’t enough room in their house to fit kids in so they bought a new house… that was a few years ago… I’m not sure what the stipulation is now that she’s working on but she still has no kids. And it kills her! Especially with everyone around her making babies like bunnies. Take what you can from this story.

23

Hear, hear! [sub]I was married at 20, and 9 years later, I’m still married to him.[/sub]

Listen to everyone else, especially about moving out. Get angry at him whenever he tries to cuddle, etc. and let him know it. Getting angry isn’t the same as being mean, you know. Don’t let him manipulate you. Respond with things like, “Last I checked, we’re roommates, nothing more.”

I hope you’re at least sleeping in another room, rather than in the same bed as him.

Go out with friends.

Flirt with other men, but don’t get more serious than flirting right now. You don’t need to hook up with a rebound guy.

Don’t do things just to make him jealous, though. That’s petty and immature, and you want to behave better than he is. It’s just that your life is your own, now, and it’s time to enjoy that.

See if you can take a mini-vacation. Go away somewhere for a weekend and stay in a hotel. Eat chocolate, watch whatever you want on the TV, take bubble baths, lie by the pool, take long walks, window shop, whatever it is you enjoy.

Cry. It hurts to be dumped.

Regarding your beliefs, if you want a child now, sorta, you might really want one later. If he never wants children, he might or might not ever change his mind. You don’t want to be stuck in a relationship desperately wanting a child and being with someone who doesn’t.

24

Been there.

You are a very lucky girl. The wedding train is difficult to get off of - you basically need to bail off it like the do in an old Western - jumping from the moving train at 60 miles an hour, and give your ex kudos for trying to bail now. Two months from now and you are looking at divorce court. If breaking off a wedding is bad, divorce is worse.

Move out now. And break contact with him as much as possible. Say “you are a very nice guy and someday I hop we can be friends, but its more than I can handle right now.” You BOTH need distance, and you don’t want to become a “friend with benies” You need to be open and available for the super guy who is out there who does want kids and thinks marriage is forever.

Write you ex-future-in-laws and let them know.

BTW, mine came back and we got married anyway. And eighteen months later we were divorced. Yesterday I celebrated my eighth wedding anniversary with the super guy who really is compatible (instead of a nice guy who I loved and who loved me, but love is not nearly enough). My husband broke off his engagement two weeks before we started dating, because, while he loved his fiancee, he’d come to the conclusion that there were long term incompatibilities.

25

Take care of you. First, I’ll apologize for making all sort os assumptions about the 2 of you.

It sounds like you’re the more responsible member of the relationship, but this is not the time to be thoughtful or to take care of his errands and messages. He’s an adult and needs to accept the consequences of his decisions. I know it’s extremely difficult to pull away when you still love him but he made his decision. Everyone has said this … move out of the apartment. If your folks live nearby, move in with them for a while if it’s possible. I know ithe apartment’s comfortable and all your stuff is there; you think the living arrangement is copacetic, but it’s not doing you any good. Eventually you may be friends again, but there’s a difference between friendship and being engaged and you need time to shift (back) into friendship mode. A week isn’t enough. Heck a year may not be enough. My gosh, when a relationship ended, I cried almost everyday for 6 months, but then again, I am pretty wussy that way.

kremit, I’m so sorry that this has happened to you and I know you need to vent. Start up a journal, vent here, but you need to do something except let your ex think that you’ll always be there and willing to take him back. Maybe you are, maybe you aren’t, but don’t let him jerk you around with mixed signals. He’s told you that you should find someone better. At least he’s right on this one.

Again, take care of you.

26

Kermit,
I realize that it is a hard time for you emotionally right now.

I hope I don’t sound harsh, but this is the Cold Truth® as I see it:

  1. He’s using you.
  2. You are playing right along with it.

This guy is constantly yanking your chain and you don’t seem to mind. He has already stated that he doesn’t want to get married to you. Consider it a blessing you found this out now. Your kids story is a big red flag…no, all your stories about him are a big red flag.

He says you deserve better…yet is still treating you badly. No one deserves the emotional BS he is laying on you.

You need to get out now. A scar will never heal if you keep poking at it.

27

I wonder why he asked you to marry him in the first place. Did he feel pressure from his family since you were living together? Since he seems to be really worried about what his family will think, I’m guessing that he may not have been asking for the right reasons. (Or you asked and he felt obligated to say yes so he wouldn’t hurt you – which only ends up hurting you more in the end).

You may not be too young to marry, but he certainly is. He might grow up and be marryable at some point, but I hope you will have found someone else worthy of you long before then. Don’t compromise on what you want in life and marriage. I did that (the same conflict you guys had about kids – she didn’t want them, I did but compromised) and it destroyed our marriage in a matter of months.

28

Whew. Ain’t love grand?

kremit334, this issue is about control. Right now, who has control over your life, your emotions, your moods?

He does.

He doesn’t want children. So YOU change your wants. Why didn’t he change for you?

He calls off the wedding. You hang around, hoping he’ll change his mind. Waiting for him.

He wants to cuddle. Sometimes you give in, sometimes you don’t (yay you!), but it’s always an emotionally difficult moment, isn’t it? And he’s the one putting you through it.

Sometimes he seems to say there’s hope. So you get your hopes up. Sometimes he says there is no hope. You’re devastated.

He’s in control.

TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE!!

Now, I’m not saying he’s a necessarily a bad person. He just sounds like maybe he’s a little immature, a little lost. I’m sure he doesn’t mean to hurt you, to keep you on an emotional yo-yo. But that’s exactly what he’s doing. That’s okay…we’re all human and hopefully in time he’ll learn how to behave better. Maybe he won’t. But you can’t control it either way.

What you can do is to start taking care of yourself. Put yourself first for a change. Doing this won’t make you a selfish or bad person. It’ll make you an independent and strong person. And that will increase your chances for being in an emotionally healthy relationship in the future, where both partners give and take equally.

Now, everybody’s telling you to move out of the apartment, pronto. I agree…but…I know that seems like an awfully big step. So how about a baby step? Go stay with your parents (or whoever) for two solid weeks. In those two weeks, don’t speak to this guy. At all. Maybe just a short time away from him will give you some perspective on the situation. And at the end of the two weeks, if you still think living with him is the best idea, maybe it is. (But try to keep an open mind for the two weeks.)

Stop working your life around him. Decide what you want out of life (besides him), and stick to it. Let him take care of himself. It won’t kill him…in fact, it’s probably the best thing you could do for him. Your life shouldn’t revolve around him or any other person. It should revolve around you, and you alone.

Okay, I’m almost done with my little sermon here. But one more thing: I think we all realize that these things look different when you’re the one actually stuck in the situation. But don’t you think that maybe sometimes people on the outside have a little bit clearer picture of what’s going on? They have perspective and emotional distance. Ask yourself this: if your best girlfriend came to you with this problem, what would you advise her to do?

29

Oh, dammit. Okay…one more thing.

Don’t let the issue of the lease keep you in the apartment if you really want to move out. (Which I hope you will!) I’m sure there’s some way to get out of it.

And if there isn’t, your emotional and mental well-being is definitely worth the cost of a bad mark on your rental record. So you might have to pay a double-deposit or get a co-signer next time you want to rent. That’s okay. It’s worth it.

30

I gotta go with Oreo on this one. You’re bending to his every whim. I did this once, and I became the ‘nice guy’. I’m sure you’ve read a lot of the ‘nice guy’ posts on the SDMB, so I don’t need to reiterate. Guy sounds like he’s got you as his doormat at the moment. He probably does, at some level, still care for you, but it’s not a place you need to be right now. You need to do what’s best for you, and stop bending to everything he wants, or he’ll just make you keep bending, intentionally or not.

31

Kremit, you’ve got my sympathies. Breaking up is a lousy experience under any circumstances, but getting dumped by someone you live with must be the worst.

As other posters have said, you’ve got to move out! And don’t talk to him–and definitely don’t touch him in any way–for a long, long while. IMHO, he’s a controlling jerk. Be glad he exited now, rather than some time after the wedding.

Believe me–you’ll feel much better once you’re in your own place. And don’t take any of his stuff with you, either. Get rid of anything that reminds you of the guy (with the exception of things that you truly feel deeply attached to.) Get his scent out of anything that’s absorbed it. A thorough break with no lingering hopes or fears of getting back together is best.

If you get him to move out while you keep the townhouse, then make sure all his stuff is gone. Repaint if you can. Redecorate entirely. After you’ve cleaned and redone the place, burn your favorite kind of incense in it. That’ll make the place feel like it belongs to you alone, rather than to the you and your ex-SO.

Go and enjoy doing stuff that you like but that your ex-SO didn’t. Indulge in behavior that you always thought was just fine but embarrased him or put his teeth on edge. Revel in your new-found freedom. You’ll bounce back.

32

Kremit, it appears to me you have a commitment phobe on your hands. Read this link and see if it is familiar. This web site has lots of help for people in your situation.commitment phobe

33

Well said. You wouldn’t want to deal with people saying with big fat cow eyes after a divorce, " Y’know, I always thought he was a little off." You’ll end up wanting to punch them for not cluing you in sooner. You will find friends saying quietly, " I thought he was wrong for you." It is about the only thing I can give this guy credit for, right now, judging by what you wrote.

Everyone else is dead on right about: moving out, sleep seperately. Don’t let him touch you.

Why buy the cow when the milk is free?

Another point, which was made, is there is no reason to behave like a child or treat him horribly.

Even though things are definately not turning out anyway that you imagined, throwing a temper tantrum or breaking things or saying nasty things about him or to him are not grown up behavior. (Ignore Hollywoods break up scenes. Couples that split, once things settle, can be rational, decent humans.) Try to maintain some dignity in this entire process. Down the road, you will only look back and be proud of that.

If he cannot face up to his parents (Which is very odd indeed, a great sign of immaturity and issues that need to be dealt with) , call them yourself. It will be the first toughest phone call of your life ( there are more to come, sorry to tell you that. No one said growing up would be easy.) but you could try to get their answering machine while they are at work.

Make it simple. Don’t beat around the bush. State the facts and keep it clean ( don’t get bogged down in massive details) and don’t tell them their son is a major ass pimple. Bad news delivered with the crushing blow that their would be daughter in law thinks their fresh faced baby boy is a moron is just pissing in a sucking chest wound: Your son feels we are not a match. Thinking on it, I agree. We’ve decided to call off the wedding. He was afraid to call you himself. We are working on getting out of our lease. He will be home from work/school at X. You need to talk to him."

As for wedding gifts. All you need to do when returning them is include a short, brief note: We have decided to cancel the wedding. I will send an email with my new address when I am settled. Thank you."

Don’t worry, the news will spread fast of the why’s and why nots.
I am sorry that things are not turning out like you planned. But it is better than looking back at a wedding and the first few months/years you felt were fine and realize he was miserable the whole time. It will cheapen your own memories.

Take it one catastrophe at a time and remember us Dopers are here to lean on for emotional support.

I wish you peace.

34

I’ll save you a long exposition and cut to the chase. I’m sure you are a wonderful and strong person in your day to day life, but in the current scenario you are occupying the role of a vulnerable and pathetic doormat who is being played by a person who has no small measure of contempt for you despite his stroking words.

You seriously need to wake up. As several others have noted it is highly likely there is more going on in the background with him than you realize and little of it is likely to yield a good or desired result for you. You need to make a break with him and move on. His reasons are beside the point, he has rejected you and a life with you. Hanging on that point will only make his hidden contempt for you grow.

I despair that you would even consider taking him back at this point and yet you appear almost eager to do so. You are so far beneath the waves you have no idea what is really going on and ignorance in this situation is not a good thing.

35

First off, huggles to you.

  1. Move out, NOW
  2. Tell his parents. Not because he is not man enough, but because if they are still under the impression that there is a wedding, it is possible that they are still suggesting wedding presents to the rest of the family. These people need to know.
  3. He is the one who broke it off, you keep the ring. I believe that falls under the “All’s fair in love and war” chapter in the big book of love.
  4. He is playing you. You may not see it for a while, but you will see it. BTDT.
  5. Yes, you want to be fair, because you love him etc…but what if you find out tomorrow that he does have someone on the side? How are you going to feel towards him then?
36

Kremit, how ya doin’? I’m curious and want to know if you’re okay.

37

Hey kremit.

First of all, I would like to compliment you on this paragraph. What a mature, reasonable person you are. I’m sorry that you two didn’t work out.

The only thing that bothers me is the fact that he’s still trying to cuddle and stuff… That’s not a “just friends” behavior and says something about him, but I’m not sure what. I won’t stoop to labeling him a loser, but I am sitting here hoping hoping hoping that you aren’t being naieve and that the reasons he stated for breaking up are the truth. Whatever happens with this, don’t let it change your outlook on life.

Big hugs, sweetie.

38

I won’t offer much advice, just (like others here have told you) watch out for YOURSELF. If you aren’t getting married to this guy anymore, there’s no reason to watch out for his better interest…

AND, I’ll be thinking about you! I’m sure that everything is happening for a reason. Just stay strong!

39

Hey, kremit.

How’re you doing, and what’s going on?

40

btw, I have to disagree with chrisk72. The problem with labeling the guy a committmentphobe is that the next thing you know he is engaged to an happily married to someone else and it lasts a lifetime. And you end up saying “he wasn’t afraid of committment, he just didn’t like meeeee!” Much better to just face it straight off that he doesn’t want to marry you.

And Shirley, I got my fair share of cows eyes and people saying “we knew it just wasn’t right” after my divorce. Ugh! You know, a real friend would have said BEFORE the marriage “it may be none of my business, and I’ll support you whatever you decide to do, but from here this doesn’t look like a good idea.”